[ISTJ] ISTJ Heartbreak

[Rachelinpa]

My ISTJ roommate just was let down by this girl that he really liked. They were close friends, he finally got up the nerve to ask her out, they dated for two weeks and she swiftly backed out on him. He is completely shocked and sad.

How can I be a good friend to him? Suggestions? I want to support him.

 

[disregard]

In your blog, you mentioned being obligated to "hate" her by default, but I think that is not a good way to help him get over her, because he will defend her in his heart and in his mind if you say anything bad about her. Love has its strange ways.

Just listen to him. He will probably need to talk. A lot.

 

[Rachelinpa]

Oh, I will never tell him that. The meaning of what I was saying is that I feel so strongly about it that I want to come to his defense... I don't actually hate her. I just hate to see him get crushed. He never gets crushed.

 

[Bella]

I don't know, we all have to go through this... just let him be miserable, and for the love of all things beautifull, don't try to make him talk, just let him know that you are willing to listen, if he should want to talk. Then carry on as usual.

 

[swordpath]

*shudders*

That's one of the few big fears I have. Falling hard for someone, pursuing them and then confessing it and being rejected. I think it's a tough thing in general for ISTJs and it's probably going to be hard for him to sort out his emotions and let the steam seep. I think talking and affirmation is the best you can do.

Edit:
Good luck getting through to him though. He'll appreciate any effort you make to comfort him, but he'll probably blame himself and wonder what went wrong and why. That's how it'd play out for me anyways...

 

[Hexis]

One of my best friends is an ISTJ so I now how shocking it is when something like this that we could so easily deal with destroys them utterly.

The best advise I can give is just listen to them, and you will probably have to initiate the conversation which could be difficult. Approach him about the subject minus the beating around the bush BS, from my experiences with ISTJs they cant stand that crap. Which I know most ENFPs are experts in, so just ask him right out if he wants to talk about it and if he does your probably in for a long long conversation.

 

[sarah]

My ISTJ roommate just was let down by this girl that he really liked. They were close friends, he finally got up the nerve to ask her out, they dated for two weeks and she swiftly backed out on him. He is completely shocked and sad.

How can I be a good friend to him? Suggestions? I want to support him.

Be a good listener -- IF he wants to talk about it, but don't expect him to want to talk about it necessarily. Tell him about his talents and his good points. Find some way of reassuring him that "this too will pass", and that he's a good person who's loveable, regardless of the fact that the woman he's set his heart on didn't have the good sense to love him back. Make contact with him -- check up on him to see how he's doing every now and then. Do little acts of kindness for him, to show him in concrete ways that you respect him as a friend and think he's a good guy.

(this seemed to work when my ISTJ sister was heartbroken over the loss of a romance about half a year ago)

Sarah
ISFP

 

[Rachelinpa]

Yeah, it's totally the worst to watch him go through it. He so carefully planned it all out and everything. And, he is most frustrated with her because she just gave it a "try" whereas he took time to know it was what he wanted. He thought everything was fine and then she just changed her mind. Ugh. I empathize with her because I know a lot would have been on the line, but it feels like she played him a little bit...

 

[Rachelinpa]

Yeah, he is so puzzled by it. He thinks she is just scared and doesn't want to take a risk, which makes him mad because he firmly believes in taking (carefully planned) risks in life. It goes against the essence of all he is.

Yes, listening and affirmation. Anything else I can do specifically? Anything you want to hear or NOT hear?

 

[E.Thomas]

They were close friends, he finally got up the nerve to ask her out.

My hero.

I agree with other posts about letting him talk rather than asking him. Remind him that his strength is in being like a TV ad. If he can be himself every day she will realize that she misses that addictive part of him that she can't quite put her finger on, but she knows it only comes from him.

 

[Rachelinpa]

Definitely. I will. Thanks for the tips everyone.

He's definitely one of the best people I know. It's so different knowing how to offer comfort to someone so different than me. I want to do it effectively.

 

[Cimarron]

My hero.

I agree with other posts about letting him talk rather than asking him.

I'm going to repeat this again, just in case you were thinking about it. It's something that really bugs me.

 

[ArbiterDewey]

Be a good listener -- IF he wants to talk about it, but don't expect him to want to talk about it necessarily. Tell him about his talents and his good points. Find some way of reassuring him that "this too will pass", and that he's a good person who's loveable, regardless of the fact that the woman he's set his heart on didn't have the good sense to love him back. Make contact with him -- check up on him to see how he's doing every now and then. Do little acts of kindness for him, to show him in concrete ways that you respect him as a friend and think he's a good guy.

(this seemed to work when my ISTJ sister was heartbroken over the loss of a romance about half a year ago)

Sarah
ISFP

Your first sentence was sound, but after that I became exhausted reading the rest of your reply. That may have worked for your sister, but for me, personally, that doesn't sound helpful.

Give the guy space. Let him deal with it in his own head, and, when he feels ready to talk about it, he'll probably drop initiating phrases in conversation. More than likely you will have to inquire about the phrasing. Take these seriously and let him talk. Until this time, don't bring it up.

Of course this may be just me again...

 

[Rachelinpa]

This morning I bought him donuts and orange juice (his favorite) and left them outside of his door with a ("you are awesome-not too touchy feely") note on my way to work. He just emailed to say thank you and that he was glad he has friends he can depend upon even though his current situation sucks.

 

[Cimarron]

Give the guy space. Let him deal with it in his own head, and, when he feels ready to talk about it, he'll probably drop initiating phrases in conversation. More than likely you will have to inquire about the phrasing. Take these seriously and let him talk. Until this time, don't bring it up.

I agree with that. After a break-up, I might want to talk to my friends about it, but I would like to decide when. If you push me for it too soon, I'll probably just get grumpy.

 

[Totenkindly]

Do male ISTJs like to talk a great deal about such things, or just hold them inside mostly?

Do they like to talk about their emotions involved in such a thing, or just the logistics of how things played out, where they might have gone wrong, and what should have happened, etc?

I have usually seen a tendency to intellectualize most of the breakup/disappointment at least in how it gets articulated, regardless of what is felt inside... I wouldn't expect mushy-gushy.

 

[swordpath]

Do male ISTJs like to talk a great deal about such things, or just hold them inside mostly?

Do they like to talk about their emotions involved in such a thing, or just the logistics of how things played out, where they might have gone wrong, and what should have happened, etc?

I have usually seen a tendency to intellectualize most of the breakup/disappointment at least in how it gets articulated, regardless of what is felt inside... I wouldn't expect mushy-gushy.

Definitely the logistics.

The feelings, for the most part just kind of seethe and are kept to our self.

 

[ArbiterDewey]

Do male ISTJs like to talk a great deal about such things, or just hold them inside mostly?

I'll vote on mostly inside. Last time I talked about a post-breakup I was talking to a number of friends, all of which are close. They offered their opinions and I reflected while they spoke. Once I was internally satisfied we smoked a bowl of shisha.

Do they like to talk about their emotions involved in such a thing, or just the logistics of how things played out, where they might have gone wrong, and what should have happened, etc?

I didn't reveal great amounts of emotion in the previous example, just enough to make my points. I mostly gave my logical point of view, especially that she was being too emotional and needy ("clingy" I imagine). I guess, in regards to your question, "a little from column a. and a little from column b.," but neither to an extreme.

 

[moonbaby]

ISTJs, do you play it over and over and over in your head......? I have to reread emails etc.
I am going through that now, even though I am the one who cut the communication.

 

[Cimarron]

Yup, I tried to play it out like a strategy, analyze every inclination of meaning in every word, etc.