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[ISTJ] Connecting/Bonding with ISTJs

PinkIceTD

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Male or female ISTJs how do you bond with friends, gf/bf, husband/wife? I know that I am able to bond with people by talking, sharing information or giving advice, but as I've recently learned ISTJs aren't big on talking about personal/emotional stuff. So what type of things make you feel as if you have a connection with another human being? WHat type of things help you to trust another person?
 

kyuuei

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Like this :)

161hbondlength.gif
 

kyuuei

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Okay sorry, I had to be a biiit silly. But games seem to be the best in my opinion when it comes to my ISTJ friend. Common interests tend to help, and games are easy emotion-devoid ways of connecting to people in a lighthearted manner so it's convenient for either party.
 

kyuuei

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Not lame. Appropriate. Bonding is exactly what it's called. :D It just so happens it's what molecules do.
 

E.Thomas

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Intellectual discussions are very important. I bond more with people who can teach me things or change my point of view on a subject. I respect this more because Ive found many people that conform to my ideas because they arent confident enough to speak up. I don't like being wrong, but gosh darn it, its so embarrassing to find out later on that I was wrong, yet I yammered on with such strong conviction until everyone agreed.

Shared hobbies/Unshared hobbies work too. As long as the other person is passionate and knowledgeable about it, there is a possibility that it will rub off on the ISTJ and become their hobby too. Or at least it happens to me.

We bond in the same ways, its just that the bond has to be formed and strengthened with respect for the mind and wisdom first. Earning emotional trust is a long hard journey on both ends.
 

oasispaw

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i've known my istj best friend since kindergarten (in 1985) so we have that going for us. we talk about everything. we're like sisters so i dunno if that applies in a situation where you're just getting to know someone.

try getting them really, really drunk?
 

oasispaw

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Intellectual discussions are very important. I bond more with people who can teach me things or change my point of view on a subject. I respect this more because Ive found many people that conform to my ideas because they arent confident enough to speak up. I don't like being wrong, but gosh darn it, its so embarrassing to find out later on that I was wrong, yet I yammered on with such strong conviction until everyone agreed.

we tend to not have many intellectual conversations, but when we do, we're each surprised at how much agree. we respect the other's opinion when we differ. we mostly like girl talk because neither of us play well with other girls.

Shared hobbies/Unshared hobbies work too. As long as the other person is passionate and knowledgeable about it, there is a possibility that it will rub off on the ISTJ and become their hobby too. Or at least it happens to me.

We bond in the same ways, its just that the bond has to be formed and strengthened with respect for the mind and wisdom first. Earning emotional trust is a long hard journey on both ends.

we co-write a craft blog and make things for each other in our respective specialties. we don't actually do any of the same craft besides sewing so it's fun to discuss the other ones.

we can trust each other because we've been through a lot together and know just about everything there is to know about each other.

we don't cry a lot when drunk, but i could see it happening. generally our conversations are up and we try to enjoy our time together since we live 170 miles apart and neither of us drive.
 

kyuuei

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Been known to work on a couple of occasions. You might get way more tears than you can handle though. So be ready:cry:

Although my friend doesn't cry, DEFINITELY the E comes out in him when drinking. I'm fond of drunken party memories of our very own ISTJ mixing with alcohol. Nostalgia ftw!
 

Cimarron

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Shared hobbies/Unshared hobbies work too. As long as the other person is passionate and knowledgeable about it, there is a possibility that it will rub off on the ISTJ and become their hobby too. Or at least it happens to me.
That's true for me too, but I feel like my friendships are based too much on these kinds of activities. And when we outgrow them or get tired of them, we start spending less time together, since we don't do much besides those activities. It seems like a really flimsy basis for a friendship, but that's probably just my specific friendship, not all cases like this. That's why I was really happy when two of my friends and I started hanging out together more in a relaxed, low-key way once one of us got a "bachelor pad"--we didn't have to be doing anything in particular to be bonding.

I just don't know how much this one is about my friendships, or about friendships in general. I don't know how well this applies...
 
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Bella

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I don't bond very well. My adhesive strip broke.


Being quiet with someone.
 

tenINsFJ

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That's true, so at one point, if you're with another quiet person and both of the quiet people are comfortable, then there is nothing to worry about.

If you're quiet with a talker, and the talker doesn't mind that you are just listening... then it could work out too.. But then it could just get irritating to hear their voice LOL
 

moonbaby

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Being a similar creature I hsve found no problems dealing with ISTJs or in bonding w/them. My problem with them comes in when their words and actions don't match....then I can no longer read a person I read rather well. The only place I have observed this in ISTJs is when emotion is involved (as in my situation where he said he was happy where he was though constantly/blatently spilling otherwise).

I think because I operate so similar to them there are things I understand as natural in myself and automatically understand in them. Somethings that every ISTJ I have encounted (including my 12yo son) seem to need understood about them to relax and (accidently) bond: :)

Withdrawl/time alone is needed to deal with things and to recharge. If you do not let this happen or take it personally, you are neglecting something they need to be balanced and happy.

Approach. There is a way I approach ISTJs for my own comfort and theirs. This would be males as a female. Because these males are perceived as so stiff and serious (and I can see right past that) they bring a playful side out of me. A fun and challenging side. It works everytime, every approach and it let's me see their mood. Depending on mood (serious/busy/playful etc) I know how to handle the rest of the interaction. Again, I like people to be courtious of me also. If I am focused I welcome a small break BUT I HAVE to get back to my task at hand. I do not want more than a very small break. Therefore if ISTJ is busy...I am quickly off so they can get back to it. It is very girl on the play ground with boy. It causes/helps my guard and theirs to relax/go down.

I do not need someone to gush all over me...and I do not gush myself. It actually is very uncomfortable and makes me feel they are not sincere or other things.
If ISTJ cares about you, they are apprearing in your life in a steady fashion. They are sharing things they love with you, listening about your passions etc.
One ISTJ in particular I know loves to debate (politics etc) so I was on the same debate (online) board(history & current eventd) with him (that is how I knew him). Once befriended we became good friends...-I noticed he would get involved sometimes purposely to defend my points, coming to my aid. We are still each others advocate and supporter. To me that is a sign of his loyalty and respect...both to me equal affection.

Feelings are very difficult on introverted thinkers. Something once stated remains as it until stated otherwise. Our actions (being apart of someones life) speaks louder than our words.


There is a lot more...though really it is about underatanding that you may not understand the person from your own operating level/ perspective...it is shifting your mind and seeing what is affection etc in the terms of the other person based on who they are and accepting it without trying to force change.

*ISTJs, I hope I haven't stepped on any toes here. Please feel free to expand/correct.

Respectfully,
INTJ female




**one last thing...never assume or accuse or question an ISTJ. Inquire respectfully.
 
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