[ISTJ] Connecting/Bonding with ISTJs

[Bella]

Being a similar creature I hsve found no problems dealing with ISTJs or in bonding w/them. My problem with them comes in when their words and actions don't match....then I can no longer read a person I read rather well. The only place I have observed this in ISTJs is when emotion is involved (as in my situation where he said he was happy where he was though constantly/blatently spilling otherwise).

I think because I operate so similar to them there are things I understand as natural in myself and automatically understand in them. Somethings that every ISTJ I have encounted (including my 12yo son) seem to need understood about them to relax and (accidently) bond:

Withdrawl/time alone is needed to deal with things and to recharge. If you do not let this happen or take it personally, you are neglecting something they need to be balanced and happy.


Approach. There is a way I approach ISTJs for my own comfort and theirs. This would be males as a female. Because these males are perceived as so stiff and serious (and I can see right past that) they bring a playful side out of me. A fun and challenging side. It works everytime, every approach and it let's me see their mood. Depending on mood (serious/busy/playful etc) I know how to handle the rest of the interaction. Again, I like people to be courtious of me also. If I am focused I welcome a small break BUT I HAVE to get back to my task at hand. I do not want more than a very small break. Therefore if ISTJ is busy...I am quickly off so they can get back to it. It is very girl on the play ground with boy. It causes/helps my guard and theirs to relax/go down.

I do not need someone to gush all over me...and I do not gush myself. It actually is very uncomfortable and makes me feel they are not sincere or other things.
If ISTJ cares about you, they are apprearing in your life in a steady fashion. They are sharing things they love with you, listening about your passions etc.
One ISTJ in particular I know loves to debate (politics etc) so I was on the same debate (online) board(history & current eventd) with him (that is how I knew him). Once befriended we became good friends...-I noticed he would get involved sometimes purposely to defend my points, coming to my aid. We are still each others advocate and supporter. To me that is a sign of his loyalty and respect...both to me equal affection.

Feelings are very difficult on introverted thinkers. Something once stated remains as it until stated otherwise. Our actions (being apart of someones life) speaks louder than our words.


There is a lot more...though really it is about underatanding that you may not understand the person from your own operating level/ perspective...it is shifting your mind and seeing what is affection etc in the terms of the other person based on who they are and accepting it without trying to force change.

*ISTJs, I hope I haven't stepped on any toes here. Please feel free to expand/correct.

Respectfully,
INTJ female




**one last thing...never assume or accuse or question an ISTJ. Inquire respectfully.

"accidently bond". wow, you hit the nail on the head there. I usually only get closer to people because I am somehow forced to spend time with them on a regular basis, like people you work with.

Do you mind explaining "it is very girl on the play ground with boy"? I don't get it.

You seem to understand ISTJ's very well.

 

[PinkIceTD]

I don't think the talkers appreciate it.

I don't understand it...I have one ISTJ friend (and he gets quiet alot) but have acquired several IxTx friends over recent years and they all seem to enjoy just being quiet....

But when all of a sudden they fall quiet I'm thinking, "Did I say something wrong? Am I boring them? What's happening?????"

I'm understanding it more now, but if I know that it's nothing I did I'm fine...I have no problem with quiet time.

 

[PinkIceTD]

Being a similar creature I hsve found no problems dealing with ISTJs or in bonding w/them. My problem with them comes in when their words and actions don't match....then I can no longer read a person I read rather well. The only place I have observed this in ISTJs is when emotion is involved (as in my situation where he said he was happy where he was though constantly/blatently spilling otherwise).

I think because I operate so similar to them there are things I understand as natural in myself and automatically understand in them. Somethings that every ISTJ I have encounted (including my 12yo son) seem to need understood about them to relax and (accidently) bond:

Withdrawl/time alone is needed to deal with things and to recharge. If you do not let this happen or take it personally, you are neglecting something they need to be balanced and happy.

Approach. There is a way I approach ISTJs for my own comfort and theirs. This would be males as a female. Because these males are perceived as so stiff and serious (and I can see right past that) they bring a playful side out of me. A fun and challenging side. It works everytime, every approach and it let's me see their mood. Depending on mood (serious/busy/playful etc) I know how to handle the rest of the interaction. Again, I like people to be courtious of me also. If I am focused I welcome a small break BUT I HAVE to get back to my task at hand. I do not want more than a very small break. Therefore if ISTJ is busy...I am quickly off so they can get back to it. It is very girl on the play ground with boy. It causes/helps my guard and theirs to relax/go down.

I do not need someone to gush all over me...and I do not gush myself. It actually is very uncomfortable and makes me feel they are not sincere or other things.
If ISTJ cares about you, they are apprearing in your life in a steady fashion. They are sharing things they love with you, listening about your passions etc.
One ISTJ in particular I know loves to debate (politics etc) so I was on the same debate (online) board(history & current eventd) with him (that is how I knew him). Once befriended we became good friends...-I noticed he would get involved sometimes purposely to defend my points, coming to my aid. We are still each others advocate and supporter. To me that is a sign of his loyalty and respect...both to me equal affection.

Feelings are very difficult on introverted thinkers. Something once stated remains as it until stated otherwise. Our actions (being apart of someones life) speaks louder than our words.


There is a lot more...though really it is about underatanding that you may not understand the person from your own operating level/ perspective...it is shifting your mind and seeing what is affection etc in the terms of the other person based on who they are and accepting it without trying to force change.

*ISTJs, I hope I haven't stepped on any toes here. Please feel free to expand/correct.

Respectfully,
INTJ female




**one last thing...never assume or accuse or question an ISTJ. Inquire respectfully.

Thank You for that post. You do seem to really understand the ISTJ, although I have observed these things I never understood it from an ntroverted thinking point of view (very hard to do). So thanks

 

[Bella]

I don't understand it...I have one ISTJ friend (and he gets quiet alot) but have acquired several IxTx friends over recent years and they all seem to enjoy just being quiet....

But when all of a sudden they fall quiet I'm thinking, "Did I say something wrong? Am I boring them? What's happening?????"

I'm understanding it more now, but if I know that it's nothing I did I'm fine...I have no problem with quiet time.

lol, It's so odd to hear the other side of it, it always feels like it's only the quiet ones who worry about being quiet.
Well, the same way the quiet makes you nervous, the expectation to talk makes me (us) nervous. It's so nice when somebody DOESN'T make a fuss of me not talking or doesn't assume something is wrong. When people focus on it and there is pressure, I get so nervous and tense, it's a complete disaster. But the older I get the more likely I am to just give you The Look of Death for hassling me. And I'll probably avoid you in future.
And your friends don't go quiet because you said something wrong, it's nicer for me (us) to listen to others talk.

 

[Cimarron]

Because these males are perceived as so stiff and serious

I wonder if I appear that way. I have noticed that there's almost zero change between my different facial expressions (for different moods). It surprised me myself when I checked it in the mirror one time. But I always figured I came off looking as really nervous.

If ISTJ cares about you, they are apprearing in your life in a steady fashion. They are sharing things they love with you, listening about your passions etc.

Very well put.

I noticed he would get involved sometimes purposely to defend my points, coming to my aid.

I've done that before, too.

So your post looks pretty much on the mark.

What Bella is true for me, also. Most of my best friendships happen due to circumstances. My friends know that they can always count on me, and I'll always listen to them. (or at least, I like to think so)

 

[LindseyLadybug]

I didn't read all of the posts on this thread but I just thought I'd share some tips since my dad is an ISTJ and we are very close....and I'm an INFJ. We share some interests like music...there are a couple genres we both appreciate. There are some movies and TV shows we both like. We joke a lot. He LOVES it when I ask him for advice, especially if it has to do with something he thinks is important, a situation in which I need help being assertive, etc. We both enjoy reading. We have similar political views so we like to discuss current events and big issues.

 

[swordpath]

^INFJs and ISTJs seem to typically get along pretty well. It's reverse for me. I'm the son that's ISTJ and both my parents are INFJ. We've had run-ins in the past mostly over the same issues, but overall, we've gotten along just fine.

 

[E.Thomas]

I don't understand it...I have one ISTJ friend (and he gets quiet alot) but have acquired several IxTx friends over recent years and they all seem to enjoy just being quiet....

But when all of a sudden they fall quiet I'm thinking, "Did I say something wrong? Am I boring them? What's happening?????"

I'm understanding it more now, but if I know that it's nothing I did I'm fine...I have no problem with quiet time.

LOL that is totally when you know you've bonded. Don't feel bad at all. One of my biggest pet peeves is when people ask me if something is wrong, I'm mad, or upset, when I really just want to listen to the awesomeness of quiet and let my mind wander.

Being quiet with someone.

Makes me mad that I didn't think of that, but right on.

 

[PinkIceTD]

I talked to my ISTJ friend, the one I initially asked about in my other thread...

Tonight he shared something very personal with me that I asked him about ages ago and he REFUSED to even think about talking to me about it, and today he just started telling me. i felt special

Anyway, of course there were quiet moments and I tried not to feel compelled to fill up the space with some random topic just to talk. It was cool, I didn't feel pressured to talk, and eventually he would just start telling me things that I never could get him to before when I asked him straight out. Nice.

 

[Maabus1999]

ISTJ's can be more of a hermit then INTJ's. I know this from personal experience. They will open up at weird times though and hang lose at surprising times.

 

[mlittrell]

from one ENFP to another: i have two good ISTJ friends. my one friend is an excellent musician so i help him record his music and give him advice on structuring his songs. basically, we do something, which tends to be a scheduled thing. i do this every saturday with him. while im doing so we can discuss modern events/politics, women, music, cars, movies, and whatever. my other ISTJ friend I currently go to the gym with. at the gym, i do the same thing as my other friend, talk about whatever. i found that with ISTJs a common interest is a good thing to have because it opens up conversation quite a bit easier. its even better if its a scheduled thing. this is, of course, all my own personal experience. ya, dont talk about emotion unless they bring it up. and in my experience, they only bring it up if they REALLY need help. the gym friend never has, the music friend has on multiple occasions but only when he REALLY needs it. i never bring it up.

 

[Bella]

I talked to my ISTJ friend, the one I initially asked about in my other thread...

Tonight he shared something very personal with me that I asked him about ages ago and he REFUSED to even think about talking to me about it, and today he just started telling me. i felt special

Anyway, of course there were quiet moments and I tried not to feel compelled to fill up the space with some random topic just to talk. It was cool, I didn't feel pressured to talk, and eventually he would just start telling me things that I never could get him to before when I asked him straight out. Nice.

Yes, that's nice.

 

[Cimarron]

PinkIce, that is good to hear! Neat. That small little change was all it took, huh?

 

[moonbaby]

Do you mind explaining "it is very girl on the play ground with boy"? I don't get it.

Typical scenario: INTJ girl seeks out ISTJ boy-(this would be a typical email)
(they rarely come to you, I dont get it....it is true though so having a relationship generally requires you finding them)

girl: hey! quit hiding from me!!!!!!

boy: hey.......I am not, been busy....how are you?

girl: yeah, yeah, ALWAYS busy! I think you are just scared of me.....I still am going to beat you in wrestling

boy: really hum, well I think you might try....but you will only beat me if I let you

girl: well maybe, but I think if you let me win I will let you pick the prize



okay, this is typical of me and my ISTJ if we had a day or two and had not touched base...and we have an on going theme similar to this.
I am not going to say I come into every single conversation that way, however we have a very playful way of communicating.
He used to be really paranoid and over explaining what he has been doing or even shutting down on me and making me feel like he though he was being punished or something. Now, it is fun and good every single time. Quality of our time together has been important........it drew us closer.

(I miss him....... whhhhhaaaaaaaaaaah!!) <---------- my breakdown lol, sorry

anyhow.....it is learning that just because YOUR ACTIONS might reflect one thing, projecting them onto another person is not going to help your relationship. ISTJs are not going to give you a lot of warm and fuzzies..... you need to go somewhere else for that. Pushing them for it is not going to be fruitful. If you truly want to understand, you have to shift your perspective.

I think it is hard on women such as ISTJ women and INTJ women like myself, people and men see us as cold and unfeeling.

I think it is hard on ISTJ and INTJ men to deal with women, because they always question their feelings (oh gawd I despise the questioning from the men I have been with!!!) and pushing them to fullfill something they dont understand.

 

[Bella]

Typical scenario: INTJ girl seeks out ISTJ boy-(this would be a typical email)
(they rarely come to you, I dont get it....it is true though so having a relationship generally requires you finding them)

girl: hey! quit hiding from me!!!!!!

boy: hey.......I am not, been busy....how are you?

girl: yeah, yeah, ALWAYS busy! I think you are just scared of me.....I still am going to beat you in wrestling

boy: really hum, well I think you might try....but you will only beat me if I let you

girl: well maybe, but I think if you let me win I will let you pick the prize



okay, this is typical of me and my ISTJ if we had a day or two and had not touched base...and we have an on going theme similar to this.
I am not going to say I come into every single conversation that way, however we have a very playful way of communicating.
He used to be really paranoid and over explaining what he has been doing or even shutting down on me and making me feel like he though he was being punished or something. Now, it is fun and good every single time. Quality of our time together has been important........it drew us closer.

(I miss him....... whhhhhaaaaaaaaaaah!!) <---------- my breakdown lol, sorry

anyhow.....it is learning that just because YOUR ACTIONS might reflect one thing, projecting them onto another person is not going to help your relationship. ISTJs are not going to give you a lot of warm and fuzzies..... you need to go somewhere else for that. Pushing them for it is not going to be fruitful. If you truly want to understand, you have to shift your perspective.

I think it is hard on women such as ISTJ women and INTJ women like myself, people and men see us as cold and unfeeling.

I think it is hard on ISTJ and INTJ men to deal with women, because they always question their feelings (oh gawd I despise the questioning from the men I have been with!!!) and pushing them to fullfill something they dont understand.

Wow, I'm still reeling from "INTJ girl seeks out ISTJ boy" lol! That happens?

Okay, I understand the rest now.
Is this ISTJ officially your boyfriend?

 

[moonbaby]

Yes indeed....it does happen. I tend to be playful in general.......but it seems to be a game with ISTJ's.........they push me, one up me...and it just takes off.

As for my ISTJ, we have a very deep caring/bond........though circumstances and time have driven it to a place I think we may never be 'together'. It is on the ISTJs side...because I would move heaven and earth to be beside him.

 

[Bella]

Yes indeed....it does happen. I tend to be playful in general.......but it seems to be a game with ISTJ's.........they push me, one up me...and it just takes off.

As for my ISTJ, we have a very deep caring/bond........though circumstances and time have driven it to a place I think we may never be 'together'. It is on the ISTJs side...because I would move heaven and earth to be beside him.

Ah, geez... I don't know what to say.
I hope it happens for you two.

 

[ArbiterDewey]

anyhow.....it is learning that just because YOUR ACTIONS might reflect one thing, projecting them onto another person is not going to help your relationship. ISTJs are not going to give you a lot of warm and fuzzies..... you need to go somewhere else for that. Pushing them for it is not going to be fruitful. If you truly want to understand, you have to shift your perspective.

I think it is hard on women such as ISTJ women and INTJ women like myself, people and men see us as cold and unfeeling.

I think it is hard on ISTJ and INTJ men to deal with women, because they always question their feelings (oh gawd I despise the questioning from the men I have been with!!!) and pushing them to fullfill something they dont understand.

Double Plus Good.

I also agree with the silence aspect of bonding. Of course I never have "awkward silences." I don't understand them, and can't understand people who always have to fill the gap of silence with mindless chatter. I inevitably ask them, "do you fear silence?" To this they normally always respond, "no..."

(in my head, "then shut the fuck up.")

Actually, "Okay, well I don't believe in awkward silences, so you can stop having them," followed by a smile.

Was at a restaurant last night with a friend and two of her friends who were down from somewhere. One of them noticed that I was being more quiet than "normal," so I was inquired about my interests (something I don't mind talking about at all). I also explained during this to not be concerned about my being quiet, it's just a part of me. If I look uncomfortable, then yeah, I probably am. If I'm just listening casually, I'm fine.

 

[hermeticdancer]

I talked to my ISTJ friend, the one I initially asked about in my other thread...

Tonight he shared something very personal with me that I asked him about ages ago and he REFUSED to even think about talking to me about it, and today he just started telling me. i felt special

Anyway, of course there were quiet moments and I tried not to feel compelled to fill up the space with some random topic just to talk. It was cool, I didn't feel pressured to talk, and eventually he would just start telling me things that I never could get him to before when I asked him straight out. Nice.

I noticed this during my teenage years...as an ENFP.

Several things Ive noticed about talking:

I feel like I am compelled to talk a lot to demonstrate my knowledge, and be whitty, and entertaining. I make a lot of jokes, because I am being somewhat defensive, its a way of protecting myself, because I expect to be humiliated and exposed. Silence, or pockets of silence are uncomfortable.
Arguing is uncomfortable. My father was very critical, and I did not get a lot of approval, so I created a lot of defensive conversational style. I find it hard to believe what people are saying. Growing up with two ITJ parents did not help, but our relationship is better now.

But I think it is better to just shut up and be. I want to believe what people are telling me and just go along with it. It is better to listen and care about what people are saying. I find that truly listening to people, is really really hard though. I'm always thinking of what I want to say next.

Scary, but true...

How do I just shut the f*@k up and be?

 

[Rachelinpa]

Hm. I did not read the entire thread, but a large percentage of my bonding with ISTJs has to do with time. It definitely took me a while to feel close to them. This is a foreign method of bonding to me because with other types I can usually speed up the intimacy process through verbal communication.

The feeling of connection I have with ISTJs is mostly based on a string of (in-person) shared experiences (often involving others) over the course of a few years. It seems to me that the level of commitment and loyalty that sets in has to do with how long you have known them. When I talk to ISTJs about why they consider so-and-so their best friend, I am often told, "Well, I have known him/her my whole life!" A defining connecting point. It definitely seems to carry weight.

Perhaps, ISTJs can feel connected to me (ENFP) based on shared activities alone, but I don't start to feel connected to them unless we have shared activities together over the course of time.

Maybe the ISTJs can provide more insight on this thought. This is just what I have observed.