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[ISTJ] Boyfriend broke up with me because we have different interests, but the same values

Callisto

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Jun 19, 2018
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Can anyone shed any light on this? My boyfriend basically told me that with his ex wife there were a lot of little issues over things and he said he thinks some of our issues are the same. For example, I don't like fish. He does. He said he wants to be with someone who likes fish. He runs 5ks, I have asthma. I have been TRYING to get to a place where I can run a 5k, but he said that he wants to be with someone that would already be doing that. Meanwhile, I think the issues he had with his ex wife are because they were vastly different people and didn't share the same values, and I pointed out all the values that we do share, but he basically told me that he wanted an exact replica of himself. That I'm not good enough. I told him I felt like he was being really judgmental and he just got upset with me about it and said I was insulting him and calling him a know it all. I am at a loss. Anyone??
 

Callisto

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He wants an exact replica of himself?!

Yeah. He said those things are important to him so he wants them. Even though he got completely out of shape while we were together and only started running again 2 months ago... meanwhile, I do exercise, I just ride my bike or strength train. I have been trying to run because he said it was important to him but I guess it's not good enough that I'm trying. I also do go fishing with him. And I've tried fish that he's made. I just haven't found a fish I like... but there are things I like that he doesn't. I don't understand this at all.
 

Lark

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Yeah. He said those things are important to him so he wants them. Even though he got completely out of shape while we were together and only started running again 2 months ago... meanwhile, I do exercise, I just ride my bike or strength train. I have been trying to run because he said it was important to him but I guess it's not good enough that I'm trying. I also do go fishing with him. And I've tried fish that he's made. I just haven't found a fish I like... but there are things I like that he doesn't. I don't understand this at all.

I think he's maybe met someone already, at least I've known a lot of people who act the way you're describing, meet someone while they are on the rebound but never quit the search for someone else more like what they are looking for and sooner than not they usually find them.

I've experienced it at least once in an ex-partner.
 

Sacrophagus

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He needs to grow up.

I too used to burden my loved one with hulking expectations beyond her abilities in years past. I was inexperienced and very egomaniacal in that regard. I wanted to shape her completely the way I am, thinking that by doing that we will love each other more.
What happened is that she started comparing herself with other brainy women I frequent, and judging herself. "I wish I was as smart as the other women so that I too can talk to you about the subjects you're passionate about", "I feel like I don't deserve you", "I'm trying, but I feel like shit because I'll never be as sharp as X, or as charming as Y".
She fucking judged herself harshly out of sheer love, just because I once said "I wish you could see the things the way I see them".

That's called fusional love, in which a partner seeks further security and understanding by seeking a chimerical concept of Onness.

Here's the kicker. Her and I, are actually both complete by ourselves. An ideal relationship is to complement each other, not to complete each other. The latter opens up an eye-opening experience in which we appreciate the other person with all their differences and idiosyncracies, in which both the parties are free to be.

I like driving fast cars while listening to a Soren Kierkegaard's audiobook read by Lady Lazarus, while you like watching Korean Drama while eating the whole caramel collection of Häagen-Dazs? Big deal. It doesn't matter what weird shit you're into as long as I chose you. If it's some odd pedo-coprophilia crap, however, I'll simply break up with you and move on instead of judging you to make you feel even shittier than you are.

If your love interest is smart, he will realize that soon enough. If he can't, spare yourself the anathema and tell him that you can't force yourself to change into something you're not, and just move on.
 

Callisto

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He needs to grow up.

I too used to burden my loved one with hulking expectations beyond her abilities in years past. I was inexperienced and very egomaniacal in that regard. I wanted to shape her completely the way I am, thinking that by doing that we will love each other more.
What happened is that she started comparing herself with other brainy women I frequent, and judging herself. "I wish I was as smart as the other women so that I too can talk to you about the subjects you're passionate about", "I feel like I don't deserve you", "I'm trying, but I feel like shit because I'll never be as sharp as X, or as charming as Y".
She fucking judged herself harshly out of sheer love, just because I once said "I wish you could see the things the way I see them".

That's called fusional love, in which a partner seeks further security and understanding by seeking a chimerical concept of Onness.

Here's the kicker. Her and I, are actually both complete by ourselves. An ideal relationship is to complement each other, not to complete each other. The latter opens up an eye-opening experience in which we appreciate the other person with all their differences and idiosyncracies, in which both the parties are free to be.

I like driving fast cars while listening to a Soren Kierkegaard's audiobook read by Lady Lazarus, while you like watching Korean Drama while eating the whole caramel collection of Häagen-Dazs? Big deal. It doesn't matter what weird shit you're into as long as I chose you. If it's some odd pedo-coprophilia crap, however, I'll simply break up with you and move on instead of judging you to make you feel even shittier than you are.

If your love interest is smart, he will realize that soon enough. If he can't, spare yourself the anathema and tell him that you can't force yourself to change into something you're not, and just move on.

Thanks. That helps. We have broken up in the past, and I was behaving the way you describe your partner behaving. I never felt good enough. Especially because he has 3 kids and an ex wife in the picture. He gave me different excuses for the breakup before. But now, I have grown, and I am more secure in myself. And this is the reason that he gives me. It just doesn't make any sense. The whole time I was bettering myself I figured that at the end of the process things would be better, but I guess he needs to work on himself too? Is there anything I can/should do to help this process? Should I just completely stop talking to him for like a month?


And he is definitely not seeing anyone else. I am quite sure of that. He has 3 kids and a busy job, he frankly does not have time.
 

Stigmata

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I agree 100% with your ex-boyfriend. I refuse to suffer the company of those who like things I don't like.

I promptly broke things off with my ex-wife, who I thought was the love of my life and seemed like a perfect match, after I came home early from work one day, unexpectedly, and heard moaning sounds coming from our bedroom, only for me to kick the door open and find her sneak eating a pop tart with frosting behind my back (frosted pop tarts are an abomination, and I have no respect for anyone too ignorant to realise this).

She pleaded with me to try couple's counseling and swore it was just a one-time thing, yet I just couldn't emotionally move past her betrayal and figured it would be easier for all parties involved if we just went out separate ways.
 

Callisto

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I agree 100% with your ex-boyfriend. I refuse to suffer the company of those who like things I don't like.

I promptly broke things off with my ex-wife, who I thought was the love of my life and seemed like a perfect match, after I came home early from work one day, unexpectedly, and heard moaning sounds coming from our bedroom, only for me to kick the door open and find her sneak eating a pop tart with frosting behind my back (frosted pop tarts are an abomination, and I have no respect for anyone too ignorant to realise this).

She pleaded with me to try couple's counseling and swore it was just a one-time thing, yet I just couldn't emotionally move past her betrayal and figured it would be easier for all parties involved if we just went out separate ways.

Okay, I appreciate the joke, but I am trying to start running even though it doesn't come easy to me. And for my last birthday, I took us to a VERY nice seafood restaurant in the city. Because he likes seafood. I got gnocchi or something. It's not like I don't accommodate him. Does it really matter if he gets trout and I get tilapia? Can I get gnocchi too? If he doesn't get fish every time we go to a seafood restaurant do I get to strike the relationship?
 

Luminous

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He needs to grow up.

I too used to burden my loved one with hulking expectations beyond her abilities in years past. I was inexperienced and very egomaniacal in that regard. I wanted to shape her completely the way I am, thinking that by doing that we will love each other more.
What happened is that she started comparing herself with other brainy women I frequent, and judging herself. "I wish I was as smart as the other women so that I too can talk to you about the subjects you're passionate about", "I feel like I don't deserve you", "I'm trying, but I feel like shit because I'll never be as sharp as X, or as charming as Y".
She fucking judged herself harshly out of sheer love, just because I once said "I wish you could see the things the way I see them".

That's called fusional love, in which a partner seeks further security and understanding by seeking a chimerical concept of Onness.

Here's the kicker. Her and I, are actually both complete by ourselves. An ideal relationship is to complement each other, not to complete each other. The latter opens up an eye-opening experience in which we appreciate the other person with all their differences and idiosyncracies, in which both the parties are free to be.

I like driving fast cars while listening to a Soren Kierkegaard's audiobook read by Lady Lazarus, while you like watching Korean Drama while eating the whole caramel collection of Häagen-Dazs? Big deal. It doesn't matter what weird shit you're into as long as I chose you. If it's some odd pedo-coprophilia crap, however, I'll simply break up with you and move on instead of judging you to make you feel even shittier than you are.

If your love interest is smart, he will realize that soon enough. If he can't, spare yourself the anathema and tell him that you can't force yourself to change into something you're not, and just move on.

This. Beautifully said, Sacrophagus.

Callisto, this guy doesn't deserve you. You deserve to be valued.
 

Sacrophagus

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Thanks. That helps. We have broken up in the past, and I was behaving the way you describe your partner behaving. I never felt good enough. Especially because he has 3 kids and an ex wife in the picture. He gave me different excuses for the breakup before. But now, I have grown, and I am more secure in myself. And this is the reason that he gives me. It just doesn't make any sense. The whole time I was bettering myself I figured that at the end of the process things would be better, but I guess he needs to work on himself too? Is there anything I can/should do to help this process? Should I just completely stop talking to him for like a month?


And he is definitely not seeing anyone else. I am quite sure of that. He has 3 kids and a busy job, he frankly does not have time.


If you open up to him about what I said, and he happens to have enough empathy and an inclination to be vulnerable, he will start questioning his behavior. It's okay if he doesn't know that by seeking to mold you into his image, it will bring upon your unhappiness. He needs to realize it by himself.

Allow him some time to reflect. Give yourselves a break. Tell the bastard "I value you, but if you can't accept me the way I am, then it is never meant to be."---> Say that in your own language of love. If he's being passive-aggressive about it, ignore him in that moment, and just let it sink in his mind for a while. You don't want to stop talking to him to punish him, but to find a solution. In your way of letting him know, don't force a decision out of him, but tell him that you'll see what he thinks after X days/months, and you'll decide if you should stay together or see other people.

By doing that, you did the best you could.
 

Stigmata

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Okay, I appreciate the joke, but I am trying to start running even though it doesn't come easy to me. And for my last birthday, I took us to a VERY nice seafood restaurant in the city. Because he likes seafood. I got gnocchi or something. It's not like I don't accommodate him. Does it really matter if he gets trout and I get tilapia? Can I get gnocchi too? If he doesn't get fish every time we go to a seafood restaurant do I get to strike the relationship?

You ordered both the gnocchi AND the tilapia when he didn't? In the same night?!?!

How can one human harbour so much capacity for cruelty towards another?? You're sick! Sick, I say!
 

Callisto

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Jun 19, 2018
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If you open up to him about what I said, and he happens to have enough empathy and an inclination to be vulnerable, he will start questioning his behavior. It's okay if he doesn't know that by seeking to mold you into his image, it will bring upon your unhappiness. He needs to realize it by himself.

Allow him some time to reflect. Give yourselves a break. Tell the bastard "I value you, but if you can't accept me the way I am, then it is never meant to be."---> Say that in your own language of love. If he's being passive-aggressive about it, ignore him in that moment, and just let it sink in his mind for a while. You don't want to stop talking to him to punish him, but to find a solution. In your way of letting him know, don't force a decision out of him, but tell him that you'll see what he thinks after X days/months, and you'll decide if you should stay together or see other people.

By doing that, you did the best you could.

He does get that concept but I am still not entirely sure that his understanding is healthy. For example, there are things about my behavior that are unhealthy too. Him wanting to change me isn't okay, so he wouldn't tell me when things were bothering him because he said he "didn't want to change me." I have repeated to him a thousand times that he cannot make ME change, and that if I do it is because I WANT TO and that my behavior was not okay for ME. So if something is bothering him, tell me, and if I want to change it, then I will! I don't think he gets it. He is so incredibly stubborn about wanting there to be some fairytale girl out there that was just perfectly meant for him. It actually infuriates me! It's like his excuse to not try. Welp, can't try with you, there's some chick out there who runs 5ks already.

I feel like I did tell him that. I told him about how his behavior was making me feel and he had a bit of a meltdown. I told him that he was making me feel like I wasn't good enough, but that I am, and he is right that this just doesn't work.

I think I should stop talking to him because I'm the only person he does talk to but I'm his punching bag/toy. He won't realize that he has hurt me if I do not go away. He won't value me if I stick around. And I am not enjoying sticking around anymore.
 

Lark

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Tell him to fuck off and die.

Or pay someone to do it! Yeah, send a messenger! There's bound to be some kind of service for rich guys specially tailored this way!

And then have a scotch and an expensive cigar while you sit by your infinity pool on the top of your high rise private tower and reflect on how you are already dead inside and riches really arent what you thought they'd be after the first billion but up til then they were pretty good and then.... :backout:
 

LucieCat

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Honestly, you deserve someone who will respect and hold space for your interests. It's unrealistic to expect that someone you're in a relationship with will have all the same interests.

Besides, I've known many couples who have interests in different areas and still masks it work out.

It seems very superficial to me.
 

Peter Deadpan

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This relationship is unhealthy and you don't deserve to be treated like this. He sounds like he has some deeper issues quite literally revolving around himself.
 

Callisto

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I think he has issues from his past, which he is trying to relate to the present, but it doesn't make sense.
 

cascadeco

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Thanks. That helps. We have broken up in the past, and I was behaving the way you describe your partner behaving. I never felt good enough. Especially because he has 3 kids and an ex wife in the picture. He gave me different excuses for the breakup before. But now, I have grown, and I am more secure in myself. And this is the reason that he gives me. It just doesn't make any sense. The whole time I was bettering myself I figured that at the end of the process things would be better, but I guess he needs to work on himself too? Is there anything I can/should do to help this process? Should I just completely stop talking to him for like a month?


And he is definitely not seeing anyone else. I am quite sure of that. He has 3 kids and a busy job, he frankly does not have time.

I am inclined to agree with others that this doesn't sound good at all. If he has all of these various excuses and reasons, and gave you different reasons before and now new ones, it sounds more to me like he is not interested *enough* in a relationship, period (thus is verbalizing a desire for something totally unrealistic), or he's got deep seated relational or personal issues of his own, maybe due to marriage and divorce, or who knows what... no matter what the real reason(s), this doesn't sound like a positive dynamic or that he actually values you for who you are.

I mean this is coming from someone who feels it can be nice to have some shared interests with a partner, and maybe that's an ideal, but there's a lot more that goes into a relationship than that; you know that, almost everyone knows that. But the fact that he's boiling things down to such things as your not eating fish is just....ludicrous.
 

Norexan

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He is one of these people who don't want to be with someone if you don't have similar interest. Similar interest including love to enjoy things (Se) are obviously important to him like you have to love geography or he doesn't want to be with you if geography is so important to him. He wants to find partner who will shere common loving things using jump technique instead examine first person. ISTJ -> ISTP (if ISTJ stands for his type)

There is a lot of misunderstanding in both of you. ;)
 
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