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  1. #1
    Stardust StarFollowed's Avatar
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    Default ISTJ husband not very affectionate

    I’ve been married for a month to my hubby (We met on PerC, tee-hee ) things are pretty great between us. <3

    We didn’t live together before getting married, so the only thing I’m still having trouble adjusting with is that he’s not as openly affectionate as I am—I’m the one who is likely to initiate things often, and he says that sometimes he feels pushed when I initiate when I’m not trying to push him at all. In fact, when he told me he feels pushed to do things at times, I have started to give him space and time to feel more comfortable initiating affection, but he just doesn’t as much as I’d like. I’ve explained this to him, and he understands, so finding the middle ground has been a bit harder for us, and I find myself talking about this more often because I want to know how he’s feeling. It’s the only thing thats still a challenge for us prior and after marriage.

    Is this common for ISTJs?
    “I touch people. I think everyone needs that.”

    “I don’t go by the rule-book. I lead from the heart, not the head.”

    “I think the biggest disease the world suffers in this day and age is the disease of people feeling unloved. I know that I can give love for a minute, for half an hour, for a day, for a month. I’m very happy to do that. I want to do that.”

    “I wear my heart on my sleeve.”


    ENFP, 4w5, SX/SO. SLUEI. Unstructured.
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  2. #2
    Senior Member notmyapples's Avatar
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    I think it's common for any introverted type to be relatively reserved when it comes to affection and need more space from their partners. This is probably the main challenge of relationships between introverts and extroverts, platonic or otherwise. I've felt suffocated by a lot of my extroverted friends and the more I feel pressured to reciprocate affection I do not need given to me in the first place, the more I pull back, the longer I need to recharge and the more I begin to associate that person with mental exhaustion. You'll both need to find a compromise where you are both equally satisfied. Perhaps he should place a bit more effort in initiating affection towards you within his comfort zone, even if it's only a little bit, and you should try to appreciate his way of showing you affection in less obvious ways, even if it isn't necessarily the same as yours.

  3. #3
    Local Gay Baron Ogata's Avatar
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    Guys are often socialized to be less expressive of "soft" emotions, since it reveals vulnerability, as well. Since you're married, I don't think he's feeling uninterested in you, per se. Maybe look into love language to see if that's how he expresses himself versus what kind of love language that you need?
    There's no love in fear.
    - Tool

    Do we want to remind you of something? Yes: the world is good and we belong here.
    - Richard Siken
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  4. #4
    Can't be satisfied. Peter Deadpan's Avatar
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    I was with an ISTJ for about a year an a half. It was a very difficult but passionate relationship. I will preface this by saying my ISTJ was very mentally unhealthy, or perhaps just has a tremendously flawed personality (an arrogant 584 Sx/Sp with a bitter chip on his shoulder that his Si clung to and refused to move past). Anyhow, because we were the same tritype, I truly did understand him deeply, so I had a lot of insight and patience with him. He did show affection in his own ways, but I am certain his way would not have satisfied most women. He showed his affection by cooking dinners for me, maintaining a relatively organized home, keeping and eye on things I neglected - like the air in my tires, and encouraging me to use tools to better my life - like a budget or going after my dream of becoming an entrepreneur by setting measurable goals.

    He was also quite the guardian, physically speaking. When we would walk together, he would always walk on the side nearest the road, and when we went out to eat, he would always face the entrance as a sort of preventative active defense strategy (I realize that sounds paranoid and weird, but it really just is the way he is). He rarely verbalized the things he did for me, as touchy-feely stuff made him feel less of a man, but I knew that and saw everything anyway. Romance to him was mostly just quality time, sharing a good meal together while enjoying our favorite TV shows, or going out for breakfast and bloodies every other Sunday, or holding my hand when we used to go to Home Depot to dream about our future home. Was he great about discussing emotions? Not really, but he did try. Whenever I was sad or overly stressed out, he would kneel down in front of me with this sorta slightly forced smile and then make me laugh with some stupid joke.

    What I'm trying to say is that this type of man isn't really visibly affectionate all the time (although he would randomly pick me up and spin me around or slap my ass in a complimentary manner as I walked by), but they do show love in how they look after you. I find that the best thing to work on when partnered with a tertiary Fi user is to just offer a safe space for them to be themselves. Remember: Their Fi is actually quite playful, but because they are stubborn about how they think things should be and can be a bit traditional/conservative in terms of expressing emotion/affection, you cannot push them in the slightest to be more tender and mushy because it will only cause them to become defensive/distant because of PoLR Fe. They are actually quite sensitive to criticism in some ways, but it's all very internalized and expresses itself with that defensive reaction.

    If you can foster a consistently safe place for him, he will slowly open up to you over time and you will begin to see a more caring and protective side, but patience is of utmost importance with this particular pairing. You guys are still in the baby stage, so I urge you to not let your mind wander with too many insecurities as best as you can and just be patient as you grow as a couple.
    Perpetual mood


    “Sometimes I think I have felt everything I'm ever gonna feel.
    And from here on out, I'm not gonna feel anything new.
    Just lesser versions of what I've already felt.”


    - look it up yourself



  5. #5
    Lord Grumpus Tellenbach's Avatar
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    From "What a Girl Wants":

    No hugging dear. I'm British, we only show affection to dogs and horses.
    Could be a cultural quirk or he may have been brought up by non-affectionate parents; there isn't enough information to tell, but I think you two will work this out. Good luck.

    Is this common for ISTJs?
    I'm reading Peter Deadpan's post and her ISTJ is very clearly showing abundant affection, but if what you're seeking is physical contact or verbal affirmations, then you need to discuss this.
    Kate Mulgrew sure mulgrewed a lot.

  6. #6
    The Bat Man highlander's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by StarFollowed View Post
    I’ve been married for a month to my hubby (We met on PerC, tee-hee ) things are pretty great between us. <3

    We didn’t live together before getting married, so the only thing I’m still having trouble adjusting with is that he’s not as openly affectionate as I am—I’m the one who is likely to initiate things often, and he says that sometimes he feels pushed when I initiate when I’m not trying to push him at all. In fact, when he told me he feels pushed to do things at times, I have started to give him space and time to feel more comfortable initiating affection, but he just doesn’t as much as I’d like. I’ve explained this to him, and he understands, so finding the middle ground has been a bit harder for us, and I find myself talking about this more often because I want to know how he’s feeling. It’s the only thing thats still a challenge for us prior and after marriage.

    Is this common for ISTJs?
    I do think it is somewhat common. Check this out if you haven't already.

    I actually did a study on this at one point which is located at the following link on the wiki.

    Type And Love Languages - Typology Wiki

    These things aren't totally predictable though and as you can see it's fairly spread out. For example, I'm an INTJ and my love languages are words of affirmation followed closely by physical touch which is the opposite of what you would expect for an INTJ.

    Please provide feedback on my Nohari and Johari Window by clicking here: Nohari/Johari

    Tri-type 639

  7. #7
    Junior Member jamain's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Tellenbach View Post
    I'm reading Peter Deadpan's post and her ISTJ is very clearly showing abundant affection, but if what you're seeking is physical contact or verbal affirmations, then you need to discuss this.
    yep!


    @StarFollowed
    I'm more than likely an ISTJ and have been married for a very long time to an INFJ. I remember our first year or two of marriage requiring a bit of adjusting. My husband and I sat down one evening to openly discuss things that we each felt needed to be worked on. We did this from time to time. I remember being very surprised when he said he wish I was more openly affectionate. Surprised at first because I thought we were good in that area. In short, I am not a particularly touchy feely type of woman, but he craved me to be more so. After I realized how important it was to him I worked really hard to step up my game. It was awkward for me at first, but since it made him feel more loved and appreciated I worked really hard to get there.

    For me acts of service spell love, for my husband it was a hand on the arm, sitting close on the couch, holding hands, rubbing his back, in general just being a lot more physically affectionate. This was tough for me because I did not grow up that way.

    Is this common for ISTJs?
    I don't know about all or even most ISTJs but it was true for me.

    Congratulations on your marriage. You must have had a different user name on PerC as I'm not familiar with you. I've been on PerC for almost 5 years. (retired my account about a week ago) Since you met on PerC you may already be aware of this thread, but I'll share a link with you just in case. I think it is quite helpful when it comes to understanding ISTJ guys.
    [ISTJ] A Lengthy and Subjective Guide for Understanding a Relationship with me, an ISTJ Guy
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  8. #8
    Senior Member
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    My former girlfriend was 8sp-ISTJ. I was attracted by her beauty (I like fat women, she was 5'3", 240lb), but she wasn't really affectionate.

    I was very affectionate to her : I kissed her feet, I told her she was extremely attractive, told her playfully she was narrow-minded, and other affectionate things like that. But she told me it was too much affection. We broke because of that : it was too much from me, and not enough from her.

    We've become friends, and I still tell her frequently she's beautiful. But she still thinks it's too much.

    Being unaffectionate is common in pessimistic (E4, E6, E8) IxTx types. A female friend of mine has a 6sx-INTJ boyfriend who's not very affectionate.

  9. #9
    Senior Member Zhaylin's Avatar
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    I'm an ISTJ E9 who grew up in an explosive and chaotic home. I had to learn how to read people and anticipate their needs in order to emotionally survive.
    So, while I do not crave contact or a deep, emotional connection, I realize that others do. It's still hard for me to act contrary to my nature.
    The best example is that, when I felt my worst when my kids were growing up, I would "blow" them hugs as people normally would a kiss.
    My love language seems to be verbal affirmations: I love you; I appreciate you; thank you for ___

    I believe my late husband was also an ISTJ- but of a much different sort than I. He was (at times) harsh and more critical, without meaning to be. But he was most harsh and critical of himself.
    I called him my "sexy man" and "handsome". When he would beat himself up about putting on extra weight or growing old, I told him he was perfect just the way he was. He would always blush a bit and called me blind or told me I had no taste lol. When we would walk about in a store or something, I would loop my arm through his and occasionally bump his hip with mine.

    He was a cuddler. I am not. He preferred to have me sleep against him. I prefer my space. I still gave in to his preferences until about 8-10 years ago which is when he lost all interest in sex and became too ashamed (or something) to need me by his side. I didn't object.

    When he suddenly died last month, I discovered (through emails), that he had been painfully lonely for years. I didn't see it because I was too wrapped up in my own comfort. And he should have used his words.

    While, I have no idea if the OP has ever checked this thread again, I still wanted to say my piece.
    Every person, of every type, is different in their own ways. (Verbally) Communicate your needs and ask your partner to do the same. If the needs are too different, try your hardest to reach a compromise so both of you can be satisfied (at least part of the time )
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  10. #10

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    it's common for a lot of men in general i think. you all just need a compromise. don't expect either one of you to suddenly become entirely different, as it isn't fair to the other. there isn't anything wrong with him for being that way.
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