[ISTJ] Understanding Male ISTJ Minds

[batumi]

There's a whole lotta 'preciatin' goin' on today...

(cancels out those hate threads.)

Always a good thing.

 

[Cimarron]

Sure, no problem. I just feel bad because you've got nothing but my accounts to go by, and I don't know for sure whether my feedback will work in general for all ISTJs, compared to how much varies from person to person. I wish you had some other people's input too... I would hate to lead you guys the wrong way with my advice.

What kinds of obstacles were there when you began living together
and what helped to overcome them?

Probably "Don't mess up my stuff. Everything is just the way I like it. And if you're going to mess with it, warn me first." I wonder if he's that territorial, or if it's just me.

Thanks to Quietgirl, also, for some more good analysis!

 

[batumi]

Sure, no problem. I just feel bad because you've got nothing but my accounts to go by, and I don't know for sure whether my feedback will work in general for all ISTJs, compared to how much varies from person to person. I wish you had some other people's input too... I would hate to lead you guys the wrong way with my advice.

Probably "Don't mess up my stuff. Everything is just the way I like it. And if you're going to mess with it, warn me first." I wonder if he's that territorial, or if it's just me.

Thanks to Quietgirl, also, for some more good analysis!

I think you are wonderful and very helpful!!

Yes, the territorial is definitely there. It took quite some time before he
even invited me over. Then he made sure to let me know how honored
I should be that he had.
Ok it was subtle, but he definitely did.

What has surprised me the most is how much he really was telling
me the truth early on when he said he would warm up with time.
He has come a long, long way from the guarded, closed, cynical and silent
man I first met six months ago.

All the same, I am glad I don't have to work under him.
I do pity his underlings. Do you have any of those?

 

[Cimarron]

Yes, the territorial is definitely there. It took quite some time before he
even invited me over. Then he made sure to let me know how honored
I should be that he had.
Ok it was subtle, but he definitely did.

What has surprised me the most is how much he really was telling
me the truth early on when he said he would warm up with time.
He has come a long, long way from the guarded, closed, cynical and silent
man I first met six months ago.

I wonder why he says this. It sounds like it was you who started the relationship, right? He does sound pretty cynical, but maybe it just comes out that way. I wonder if I sound that cynical...I try to use it as a point of humor.

All the same, I am glad I don't have to work under him.
I do pity his underlings. Do you have any of those?

Me? Nooo, I'm not the boss of anyone. I'm still a college student. I prefer not being in a supervisor role. But I also have that "If you want something done right, you've got to do it yourself" attitude. It comes out more when I'm under a lot of stress.

Under stress, it can go one of two ways. If someone else is clearly in charge, I say "Fine, tell me exactly what to do, and I'll do it". If there isn't any clear person in charge, that "If you want something done right, you've got to do it yourself" attitude will stick out.

 

[batumi]

I wonder why he says this. It sounds like it was you who started the relationship, right? He does sound pretty cynical, but maybe it just comes out that way. I wonder if I sound that cynical...I try to use it as a point of humor.

No, he was the initiator, actually. And it took me awhile to like him.
At first, I was feeling kind of like "ick" but then we had this incredible chemistry come into play.

Me? Nooo, I'm not the boss of anyone. I'm still a college student. I prefer not being in a supervisor role. But I also have that "If you want something done right, you've got to do it yourself" attitude. It comes out more when I'm under a lot of stress.

Under stress, it can go one of two ways. If someone else is clearly in charge, I say "Fine, tell me exactly what to do, and I'll do it". If there isn't any clear person in charge, that "If you want something done right, you've got to do it yourself" attitude will stick out.

That sounds like him.
What are you studying in college?

 

[Cimarron]

No, he was the initiator, actually. And it took me awhile to like him.
At first, I was feeling kind of like "ick" but then we had this incredible chemistry come into play.

That sounds like him.
What are you studying in college?

Oh, I don't know then. I mean, I'm usually not the cheeriest person in the world, either.

I'm majoring in chemistry. This should be my last year in undergrad, maybe going for masters, but I'm not planning on it.

 

[batumi]

I'm majoring in chemistry. This should be my last year in undergrad, maybe going for masters, but I'm not planning on it.

very cool. I have a minor in it.
Hope it is not too offtopic to ask which class you liked the best so far....

 

[swordpath]

lemme get sum appreciation

 

[ArbiterDewey]

I'm talking specifically about favorite food, the one I never get to have. Making or getting, I suppose. But that's way too specific to work for everybody. We should wait for other people to give more advice in that area(at least I hope they do...no pressure, guys!).

Maybe trying new things together, but nothing too wild. I'm too much of a beginner at relationships in general to give you any sure advice.

Been off the forum a few days, Cimarron. Sorry I couldn't offer additional perspective on some of those topics above.

As far as getting an ISTJ to "evoke passion and romance," I'm not sure it really happens as described. We feel extremely appreciative and the "warm fuzzy's," but I have yet to encounter passion or romance. My last girlfriend's advice for Romance was, "Google that shit." LOL

Ya gotta understand that while our life may be structured around the relationship, HIS life is structured around his daily routine with the relationship being PART of the routine.

As a note, I refuse to allow a relationship to become my life as well. It will be a pleasurable addition to it, but never the whole. I normally tell whoever I'm with this early on too, as to not seem like an ass.

I also wanted to comment on the thinking things through. Don't bother trying to convince an ISJ to do something immediately or feel a certain way. It just builds resentment, even if you have no ill intentions. I've learned to throw things out there, let my boyfriend mull it over w/o bugging him, let him draw his own conclusions, listen to what he has to say about it when he's ready to talk, and then just ride out the cranky adjustment period if it involves a big change. In general, he makes really good decisions and is considerate to my needs - I just can't force it to happen.

I guess my best advice would be not to take everything they say or do personally. My boyfriend is a wonderful man & treats me very well. I had to accept that he's pessimistic, always believes he's right about the things he knows & experiences (and normally is - which I hate!), has a bit of arrogance about him that is completely unintentional (He actually felt awful when I brought it to his attention), and cannot make an on the spot decision to save his life. Once I realized that none of this had anything to do with how he feels about me and our relationship, I started feeling a lot less worried and things between us got better than ever.

I'm convinced we require a night's rest to think through anything important, and being talked through "feeling" something is the worst. I had a problem with an INFJ girlfriend that couldn't understand that; outright refused to. It's not the norm to be a long thinker, because she wasn't a long thinker, lol. You can guess how that relationship ended.

ISTJ is an interesting creature.

 

[Cimarron]

Thanks! No problems here, I just hoped I wasn't misleading anyone by saying "I do this, therefore most ISTJs do this..." Your input (and Beat's too!) is valuable for all these NF girls on the thread.

cannot make an on the spot decision to save his life.

To point out an extreme example, this is how I got into my first car accident. So it may be more true than you think.

To Batumi, quantum chemistry has been my favorite area! I love that stuff. But it brings up a conflict: As I decide what kind of job I'm going to get, I feel nervous moving into less practical territory. There is probably less job availability in that field (mostly academic), or maybe not, I would love to be wrong about that. And also it doesn't seem to come as naturally to me as it should for something that I'm majoring in and want to specialize in. That's why at first, I had wanted to go into organic chemistry and eventually work in the pharmaceutical industry (drug companies). So we see that behavior again, I worry that my new goals are less realistic.

 

[batumi]

lemme get sum appreciation

We loves you, Beat.

 

[batumi]

As far as getting an ISTJ to "evoke passion and romance," I'm not sure it really happens as described. We feel extremely appreciative and the "warm fuzzy's," but I have yet to encounter passion or romance.

Ok then I am doing great, thanks. 'Cause I do get romance and occasional passion, just not on a regular schedule.

I'm convinced we require a night's rest to think through anything important, and being talked through "feeling" something is the worst. I had a problem with an INFJ girlfriend that couldn't understand that; outright refused to. It's not the norm to be a long thinker, because she wasn't a long thinker, lol. You can guess how that relationship ended.

I think so too. I have noticed a trend in this area.
Thank you also for your input. I don't generally talk him through feeling anything though, I just ask.

 

[PinkIceTD]

Thank you Cimarron for your time and efforts to explain. I really appreciate you!!

Yeah no kidding...this is the most insightful thing ever. Thanks ISTJs.

 

[Cimarron]

Here's hoping things work out for all you girls and your ISTJ guys.

 

[batumi]

Yeah no kidding...this is the most insightful thing ever. Thanks ISTJs.

And thank YOU, for posting this thread. So we could learn.
Just in case we decide the ISTJs we know deserve us.....

 

[PinkIceTD]

And thank YOU, for posting this thread. So we could learn.
Just in case we decide the ISTJs we know deserve us.....

Yep!

You can tell NFs post here...there's so much hugging/thankin' going on

 

[moonbaby]

Hello all,
I have been following this thread as I have been involved with an ISTJ also. I am an INTJ though.......slightly different than those trying to understand as NF's.

I had an off topic question if you dont mind as I am about to go insane with the behavior I am experiencing with this ISTJ.

This ISTJ had been separated/divorcing and then involved with another (me) in an emotional relationship.
During their divorce, the wife became mentally unstable and fearing for their children he reunited with the spouse to stablize the home and agreed to go to counseling to see how things might go (for the sake of the children he claims) yet has continued contact with me the entire time...I told him I would give him the time he needed to make his decision and be sure- knowing it could go either way. This has lasted a couple years, with his implying that as the youngest got into school he would be leaving the marriage. There has been no physical contact as we decided it would be adding more problems and clouding up the issues. We tried to keep it at a friend level as much as possible.

Recently he had a traumatic event in his life and at the same time she (ESFJ) has gotten on medication that helped the mood swings.
When I mentioned something one day at the end of July about how I had been enjoy his relaxing and being so close to me over the prior 2 months-it resulted in his blasting me out of the blue that he is now again in love with his wife and completely minimized our relationship to a friendship with an undertow of feelings (down from where we had discussed our future of being together for the rest of our lives). I respectfully stepped out of the picture and wished him luck and told him in the future perhaps we could be friends though I needed to part ways for a time so I could move on and he could mend his relationship (he understood, though tried to continue to stay in touch). My heart is broken. I have never felt near the feelings for another than I have found for him.

So now that about a month has gone by with no contact (which is miserable), and suddenly he is being very obvious in words/tokens to me such as telling me I am beautiful etc.......within a group we both belong (a place where no one has ever known about our relationship beyond a very close friendship and where we met-Military/civilian mixed). Which in itself is very odd.....he rarely expressed that even in private.

I am completely confused? Can someone please tell me what might be going on here?

Thank you so much for your help.....if I didnt feel so close to him and have so much invested in time and in emotion I would have left/withdrawn/disappeared by now. I just feel tied to the very core/soul of this man.

 

[batumi]

Hello all,
I have been following this thread as I have been involved with an ISTJ also. I am an INTJ though.......slightly different than those trying to understand as NF's.

I had an off topic question if you dont mind as I am about to go insane with the behavior I am experiencing with this ISTJ..

You have my deepest and most heartfelt sympathy. I am no expert on this type, but I will say this much.
Your ISTJ seems to be doing some pursuing/distancing behaviors.
Have you read much about those?

Feel free to message me if you want to talk.
I am going to Oregon for the weekend, but I will be home late Sunday
evening or so.

 

[moonbaby]

Thank you so much, I have not heard of that behavior.

I just sent you a message.

 

[Cimarron]

I don't know what to say. The real issue here is that this part stands in contrast to everything else he's ever done/said:

So now that about a month has gone by, he is being very obvious in words/tokens to me such as telling me I am beautiful etc.......within a group we both belong (a place where no one has ever known about our relationship beyond a very close friendship and where we met-Military/civilian mixed). Which in itself is very odd.....he rarely expressed that even in private.

Right? And that is really weird and out-of-place.

(edited out embarrassing side story)

Best wishes to you.