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  1. #1
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    Default Help me understanding the esfj that changed my life

    Hello fellas,

    I'm gonna explain briefly my situation.

    I'm an ENTP dude that used to go from women to women and never be serious about anything.
    Two years ago I met that person, I instantly felt that she would be special for me.
    I kept waiting for her an entire year but she had someone for a long time.
    After a year and being in the same uni then afterwards in the same class, she was free and within two months we were together.

    The beginning was really great, I did not know how to act properly because it was my first time being serious (btw I'm 23 now and she is 20), but we managed it.
    After a few months she started complaining that I was "distant", not seeing her enough and stuff.
    Of course as dumb entp I was acting like she was crazy and all but ..
    Eventually I had to deal with hardships in private life, I failed a internship that was important to me, and both my grandparents nearly died.
    Of course she knew about it but I acted like it was not much of a deal.
    After 6 months, seeing her sad because of my evasiveness and distance, I decided to propose her to break up.

    Eventually I got better after a month, I realised that I had gone through quite a big depression phase during 3-4 months.

    But I had already damaged our relation, she thought I didn't care and let her go instead of letting her in my life.
    So I chased her from Late april to august.

    To the world and me, she said it was over, she did not know why but it was, but at the same time, she always said "I don't want you completely out of my life".
    and a common friend of us whom she used to speak to told me she was clearly hesitating.

    End of august I caught her with a dude, it would not have been a problem since I'm a civilised man, but it was someone I hated for years, she did not know about it but shit began.

    We were really mean to each other, I brought her every presents or little words I had of her then after an alcoolised night, I ended up beating the shit ouf of that man.

    In the end we never spoke again from september till recently, but they never were together.
    Since september we are in the same class, she hangs with a dear friend of mine, one day of that month he phoned me asking loudly why I did not bang some random chick I talked to him about, she heard him and went to him saying "I can't believe he told me I was important for him all these months and now he's off fucking random girls"

    Then we went in a one month internship, since september I did alot of work on myself, not only for my clothes style and stuff but also my mind, I'm trying to become the man she saw in me and wanted me to be.

    So I wrote her a letter, sayin that she changed my life forever and that I would always be thankful for that and other stuff.
    I gave it to her and tuesday she came to me asking to talk, she told me a bunch of things that I can resume in :

    - She did not want me to hope for nothing but it calmed her alot
    -She ""nearly"" felt happy about it
    - She has a new boyfriend ( I already knew)
    - She received two months ago a very late gift of mine, she wanted to give it back to me, I said I can't force you but I can't take it back, throw it away if it's impossible for you to keep it, she answered "No I won't throw it away.. That's why I wanted to give it back to you but .."
    - She wanted us to stop ignoring each other and greet once again.

    So, of course me becoming another person is first for myself before than being for her, and I should let go, but even when I try, no other women gives me the vibe she used and still gives to me.
    So, it may be childish and dumb and nearly impossible. But now that I have break the shell of her late hatred towards me, I want to keep improve and try to make her being attracted to me again, I could go to any girls it's not a problem for me, but she really is special for my heart.

    So.. any advices on how to get in her high esteem again ?

  2. #2
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    No advices ?

  3. #3
    Softserve Ice Cream Agent Washington's Avatar
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    Basically, from an SJ pov, you were a fuckboy, you regret it, and now you want to undo something you did?

    ...Not gonna happen.

    Stay friends.
    There's no love in fear.
    - Tool

    Do we want to remind you of something? Yes: the world is good and we belong here.
    - Richard Siken

  4. #4
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    Stay friends and genuinely make an effort to show remorse, that she means a lot to you, and that you value her. That's the best you can do in any scenario where people have been driven apart. Things will naturally play out from there.

  5. #5
    Senior Member tinker683's Avatar
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    I don't see this ending the way you want it too. You had a shot and you screwed it up. What happens now is YOU need to decide whats best of you: Staying friends with her, or moving on. Some people can do the whole, 'lets just be friends' thing, you're the only one who decide if that's for you.

    My advice: Move on. Consider her a warm up to next one (and their will be a next one), an instruction for yourself on mistakes you made and things you'll be better at next time. This relationship looked like it helped you grow, which is a good thing. Keep growing, keep learning, keep evolving, so you can be ready for the one you'll eventually marry
    Deered to kill a king's dare

  6. #6
    Member BAD1973's Avatar
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    I agree. ^

    Move on. If you try to maintain the friendship, it will continue to be awkward. If she really does still have feelings for you (like you obviously do for her), seeing you happy, stable, moving on and not pining MAY spur her to reach out to you. But don't do it for that reason. It could just as easily be what you need to get over her. Chock it up as a lesson learned.

    You're both very young. Some of your behaviors and reactions to one another seem immature to me. It was like self-sabotage. I'm not saying the relationship was toxic, but you weren't bringing out the best in one another. A lot of that comes with maturity and experience with putting someone else's needs up there with your own. Someday you'll meet your soul mate and look back...and you'll be embarrassed with how you handled things.

    Of course, ultimately, you are the master of your own fate. Do what you want. If you're determined to keep pursuing her, she will keep leading you on (which she is), but never actually giving you a shot. But you never know. She might. You could find your way back and live happily ever after. I just expect it would be a rough ride.

  7. #7
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    Quote Originally Posted by BAD1973 View Post
    I agree. ^

    Move on. If you try to maintain the friendship, it will continue to be awkward. If she really does still have feelings for you (like you obviously do for her), seeing you happy, stable, moving on and not pining MAY spur her to reach out to you. But don't do it for that reason. It could just as easily be what you need to get over her. Chock it up as a lesson learned.

    You're both very young. Some of your behaviors and reactions to one another seem immature to me. It was like self-sabotage. I'm not saying the relationship was toxic, but you weren't bringing out the best in one another. A lot of that comes with maturity and experience with putting someone else's needs up there with your own. Someday you'll meet your soul mate and look back...and you'll be embarrassed with how you handled things.

    Of course, ultimately, you are the master of your own fate. Do what you want. If you're determined to keep pursuing her, she will keep leading you on (which she is), but never actually giving you a shot. But you never know. She might. You could find your way back and live happily ever after. I just expect it would be a rough ride.

    You're totally right, I am very aware that I sabotage myself from the beginning.
    Usually I'm not very keen to that kind of relation, but that one time I wanted it to work because I wanted to experience it.
    She was completing myself but at the same time, I got down in my daily life, with time and objectivity, I think I was borderline depressed during that time for the first time of my life.

    I know it'll be a really rough ride, but I think I'm okay with it, I'm the kind of person that would suffer less from putting efforts that would never go rewarded than not doing it and keep wondering "what if" during years.

    As far as it goes now, just with "her memory" and the "will to become better" I did quite alot of improvement during those months.
    We're not really friends tho, just "not hating each other", I will just keep doing it I think, and if my heart gets stolen by someone else in the process well good for me

    I had not much hope but the way she reacted to my letter was kinda "eh I did not burn every part of me in her entirely"

  8. #8
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    Okay so today I tried a direct move to "test" the mood.

    She had loosened hair, I went and told her to not move while I was fixing them, she asked me "what's the problem ?", I simply answered "Well your hair were abit messy, you're cuter now"

    Simple as fuck she didn't even look surprised or embarassed, she acted like it was normal I was abit surprised

  9. #9
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    Default

    E S F J

    ESFJ
    @ESFJ
    ESFJ

    E S F J

  10. #10
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    Quote Originally Posted by Forever View Post
    E S F J

    ESFJ
    @ESFJ
    ESFJ

    E S F J
    Y E A H

    Y O U R P O I N T ?

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