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  1. #1
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    Default What attracts/impresses an ESFJ?

    What impresses you, or the ESFJs you know? What are you attracted to (does not need to be sexual)?

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    It's really hard to say what impresses a type since there is a wide diversity among ESFJs.

    I often find that they extremely happy/grateful (I don't know if impressed is the right word) when people take time to listen to them. I feel like many people tend to be attracted to strong Fe to talk about their problems and life. This is a good thing, but I think that sometimes ESFJs are so busy with their Fe in relation to other people that they do not make time to talk about themselves and what they are feeling. I've known a couple of (younger) ESFJs who have been so busy listening to others, helping them, and concentrating on Fe that they just break down after overextending themselves.

    An INTJ friend of mine once described her ESFJ room mate as such, "She thinks it's her job to take care of everyone, so I look out for her because she won't do it for herself." This might seem a bit stereotypical, but I think it's a tendency for Fe-doms overall to prioritize others' needs over their own.

    A few weeks ago, my ESFJ best friend called me in the middle of the night. She was feeling upset (although she didn't know why), and just wanted to talk. I was really tired, so I'm glad she didn't expect me to say anything intelligent. But I listened to her anyway, and she appreciated it.

    Though I think any type appreciates it when you listen to them. For some reason, I just think ESFJs tend to really really enjoy it.

    Though this might not be just an Fe-dom thing. I have just noticed it with them.

    As far as people ESFJs are drawn to, it's can be varied as any other type. I would guess they are most likely to be drawn to people with similar functions. However, I do know one ESFJ who finds other Fe users (mostly Fe-doms) to be extremely aggravating. Though, I just think she subconsciously wants to be the only person using Fe in the room... Who knows?

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    I like people who are willing to get along with everyone. It sounds simple, but it's very underrated these days.
    Likes notmyapples liked this post

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    My housemate is an ESFJ and she seems to be attracted to money and prestige. She's very appearance oriented and likes to be able to brag about her designer clothes (she takes pride in saying her dress was 'X-hundred' pounds for example. Although no-one seems to have told her that money doesn't guarantee style and she can find dresses just as nice for under £30) or applying to the most prestigious schools/universities. She also only dates people who are training to be doctors or engineers. I think she's a very immature, sheltered ESFJ though, her parents are the same and have brought her up to be snobby, so perhaps not all ESFJs are so....shallow?

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    Quote Originally Posted by SwimmerGal97 View Post
    My housemate is an ESFJ and she seems to be attracted to money and prestige. She's very appearance oriented and likes to be able to brag about her designer clothes (she takes pride in saying her dress was 'X-hundred' pounds for example. Although no-one seems to have told her that money doesn't guarantee style and she can find dresses just as nice for under £30) or applying to the most prestigious schools/universities. She also only dates people who are training to be doctors or engineers. I think she's a very immature, sheltered ESFJ though, her parents are the same and have brought her up to be snobby, so perhaps not all ESFJs are so....shallow?
    Most ESFJs are not shallow. Some are, but there are shallow people of other types. Immaturity, youth, and inexperience could also contribute to the sense of being shallow.

    Parental influence and environment in which one grew up can have a major impact on someone's attitude. So I'd attribute it mainly to that instead of personality type. I know ESFJs who are extremely thrifty and don't really care for prestige. An ESFJ friend of mine once won like 10 awards in one day, and she just sort of shrugged it off. Maybe she didn't like that I was gushing over how awesome it was that she got so many awards (which she just should have told me, I was so proud of her). She also probably didn't want me to feel bad about not getting any, but I made it pretty clear that my thoughts were "Oh well, I may think I deserved one award, but I'll be the one who wins out at the end of the day that no one sees coming."

    Also, very few people have ever stricken me as shallow. I suppose that, a few years back, I saw some people as sort of boring and devoid of personality. A friend was once dating a guy who was nice and all, but he didn't seem to have discernible traits other than being nice and polite and having some interests (which isn't a personality trait). And I wouldn't even call that shallow.

    It could be a matter of perspective. I like trying to see the deeper side to people.

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    -Kindness.
    -Honesty! I like when people are clear, don't send mixed signals, etc.
    -Great, casual sense of humor, not too uptight
    6w7 // 2w3 // xxx

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    Quote Originally Posted by LucieCat View Post
    Most ESFJs are not shallow. Some are, but there are shallow people of other types. Immaturity, youth, and inexperience could also contribute to the sense of being shallow.

    Parental influence and environment in which one grew up can have a major impact on someone's attitude. So I'd attribute it mainly to that instead of personality type. I know ESFJs who are extremely thrifty and don't really care for prestige. An ESFJ friend of mine once won like 10 awards in one day, and she just sort of shrugged it off. Maybe she didn't like that I was gushing over how awesome it was that she got so many awards (which she just should have told me, I was so proud of her). She also probably didn't want me to feel bad about not getting any, but I made it pretty clear that my thoughts were "Oh well, I may think I deserved one award, but I'll be the one who wins out at the end of the day that no one sees coming."

    Also, very few people have ever stricken me as shallow. I suppose that, a few years back, I saw some people as sort of boring and devoid of personality. A friend was once dating a guy who was nice and all, but he didn't seem to have discernible traits other than being nice and polite and having some interests (which isn't a personality trait). And I wouldn't even call that shallow.

    It could be a matter of perspective. I like trying to see the deeper side to people.
    I think ESFJs are probably the warmest, most considerate type there is through the combination of Fe and Si. This girl is the only definite ESFJ I know but I'm sure she's the exception rather than the general, it seems contradictory that a dom Fe would swan around expecting things to be done for them and them to always get special treatment. It also seems like ESFJs would be big into family and friends- this girl is the sort of person to just dump people (including family!) because she may not like their job or degree choice

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    I know this doesn't apply to all ESFJs, but the ESFJs I've encountered in my life so far have been quite undeveloped, and what I can see is that they often fail to satisfy the needs of both others as well as themselves. They are overly concerned with wealth, status, being popular and keeping up those facades and superficial impressions. They are too people pleasing / crowd pleasing, always trying to do things for others, but I don't sense that genuine warmth or kindness. Instead, I sense lots of self-validation and obligation / guilt that they should always be doing what they're supposed to do and feel how they're supposed to feel. They don't have much honesty, not towards others, and not towards themselves. As an INFP with dominant Fi I sometimes try to inject a bit of wisdom about authenticity and examining one's real feelings / motives, but it falls on deaf ears because they immediately start accusing me of selfishness and snobbishness and self-righteousness (when they are the ones being self-righteous, I'm just giving them glimpses into truth). It's quite futile. Some sites believe ESFJ / ISFJ are the most compatible types with INFP, but from my personal experience, unless the Fe-dominant ESFJ / ISFJ is mature enough, the INFP will be in for a very rough ride.

    To offer some constructive advice, I think ESFJs / ISFJs should better appreciate people who are not the most outwardly expressive (if at all) and not take that as something undesirable. They may be a lot more emotional and sophisticated than they appear, but are not accustomed to sharing it until they have developed a high level of trust. I understand your desire for harmony and to create a certain social / interpersonal atmosphere, but please understand that the best way to care for others is to understand how they truly feel and what they truly need, rather than always thinking you know best. To pressure others into feeling a certain way may very well be going against their core values, and it may offend them when they are being called to suppress their true feelings or beliefs. Really take the time to feel, to listen, to cultivate appreciation for truthfulness over the constant need to please (I know this, and I admit INFPs can sometimes be guilty of it as well, but it's out of a hate for conflict that disturbs the soul rather than a fear of external judgment), and it would serve well in the long run as it results in greater contentment for both oneself and for others. Try to confront depth and intensity, rather than shun it and pretend everything is always okay. Try not to mask your true feelings and assume that it's inappropriate / inexcusable to be honest with yourself, there are people who really care and really want to know (with this INFP being one of them). Do not feel ashamed, do not cave in to pressure. Take time to fully experience and confront ALL feelings, whether positive, negative, or indifference. Dive into the depths of the human experience. You may be the guardians, but you do not have to shoulder everything by yourselves. The guarded may very well want, and have every right to be involved in your inner life. Your overly pushy and domineering behavior may eventually become an aura, and that may be off-putting and drive people away from you because they don't sense that trust and honesty. The result is that you keep bottling yourself up, and also fail to achieve the goal of bringing happiness and comfort to others. Some ESFJs / ISFJs may think that they can keep up their public personas / impressions on a permanent basis, but eventually it is going to wear them down, and deeply intuitive / aware individuals will be able to sense that something (many things) isn't right.

    P.S. Some of the ESFJs I'm describing are young, but others are much older than me. They're solid proof age doesn't equate to wisdom and insight.

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    I find loads of things attractive! Mostly practical, relaxed, patient, charm and supportive.

    I love an I to balance out my E!

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    ESFJ may be impressed or attracted by military. My mother (identification ESFJ) told me that she wanted to join police academy but in her time, the available information wasn't like now.
    The second is that they may be impressed or attracted by health, food. She later enrolled in nursery academy but disappointingly only to drop out later because of coming late to a class.
    The story that she told me that she had been waiting for the lecturer for a long time, but the lecturer didn't come. She and her friend then, decided to go to canteen to eat cassava soup. Once they finished eating, they decided to come back to classroom where they found out that the lecturer had been there teaching. The lecturer then declared that those who came late should never expect that they would pass the subject. It may have been because of an old academy system, they may not have been allowed to take remedials, her friend and herself dropped out of the academy.
    Her interest now is politics. She always has a political sentiment of the government.
    She storytold that she used to be involved in fighting againts her classmates.
    She told me that she would love to become a police so that she could have a gun with her, by which she could shoot anybody who bothers. But she realized also God knows it and hence not permit it for her, since she could get punished or retaliated doing so.
    FYI, In the country I live in, gun is not legally traded.

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