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[ISFJ] Unhealthy ISFJ Mother in Law vs ENTJ DIL

Kuroneko

New member
Joined
Dec 14, 2016
Messages
2
MBTI Type
ENTJ
My Mother in Law became an unhealthy ISFJ after she contracted stroke about 5 years ago that paralyzed half her body. She was a very health conscious house wife who ran about 6km every morning and eats bitter gourd with alfafa sandwich for lunch. When she contracted stroke (because of genetic reasons), she couldn't accept the fact that other people who eat unhealthily (like her relatives) are walking around while she's on a wheelchair. She became very negative about life in general after that and resents other people for their ability to walk (including my own parents).

Because of that, my husband and I have recently bought a house, and since he was her only child, we decided to take care of her and let her move in with us. Ever since she moved in, she has been trying to back stab me and passive aggressively attack me, an ENTJ daughter in law. I understand that in principle ENTJs and ISFJs don't get along but I think she took great offense in the fact that her INTP son decided to choose a wife that is so different from her. She has issues with me ranging from the fact that I am working (not a housewife, therefore a bad mother/wife in her opinion), stating that I do absolutely no housework, even though we have hired a full time house helper to take care of her and clean the house, cook etc. to the fact that I have food allergies, with her asking the helper to only prepare food that I am allergic to for dinner. In my defense, I have not done anything towards her except marry her son. I have designed the house such that it's 100% handicap accessible and ensured that she can access every part of the house. I have also surrendered our living room to her and offered to buy a car for my father in law to drive her around. She has also forbidden me from letting my own parents to enter our home since she resents them for being able to walk even though they are 5 years older than her.

I understand that unhealthy ISFJs have issues letting go of their precious children and are competitive with daughter in laws. I hate living like this with her constantly being passive aggressive towards me even though I have zero intention of playing the same game or being mean to her. I just want to make sure she's living a comfortable life after being unfortunate enough to be wheel chair ridden at such a young age. I've tried to continue to be nice to her for a year including buying her expensive facial products ($300 bucks) regularly but her passive aggression has not decreased. I have even told my husband to spend more time talking to her and give her more attention. I have constantly reminded him to do something special for her on her birthday and mother's day, including giving him suggestions of what to buy (flowers cakes etc) that made her jubilant. We both even took leave on her birthday so that we can take her to the aquarium for a family outing. However, none of these seems to reduce her passive aggression towards me. It gets worse everytime she's in a bad mood or if she caught my husband being nice to me.

I'm seriously at a lost of what to do and to continue to try to be nice to her even though she's mean to me has hurt me quite a bit and ENTJs don't usually get hurt easily. I felt that it was a little unfair to me and I don't really know what to do since unhealthy ISFJs do not take constructive advice well and are insanely inflexible. It's her way or the highway. I am wondering if it's futile for me to continue to be nice to her and instead of hurting myself even further bending myself backwards for her when all she does is passive aggressively attack me and backstab me whenever she can. Hope some ISFJs can share their opinions on whether an unhealthy ISFJ mother in law will ever be kind to an ENTJ daughter in law or is this relationship doomed from the start? Thanks for your kind advices.
 

Kuroneko

New member
Joined
Dec 14, 2016
Messages
2
MBTI Type
ENTJ
P/S: Trust me, I have suppressed a lot of my innate ENTJ's instinct to confront her about all her back stabbings and negotiate with her to achieve some sort of a compromise so that we can live harmoniously together, ENTJ-style, due to my husband's request. He thinks ISFJs typically won't take well to ENTJ's negotiation with reasons and logic and this will further alienate her. However, when her back stabbing got really bad, including fabricating lies to my father in law that I was abusing the helper, I had to confront her and made her admit that this was all fabricated by her and the helper also chipped in saying that I've only been nice to her and never abusive like she claimed. In fact I always buy special treats for the helper whenever I can because I think she must be missing her home (since she lives in with us) and bought a lot of electrical appliances that helps to reduce her workload. I was worried that my ESTJ Father in law would believe in her lies which will make my situation at home way more complicated. My father in law now believes that I have zero intention to be mean to his wife and knows that she is capable of making up facts to support her "claim" that I am a "bad" daughter in law. I think my Mother in law resents me for calling out her bluff in public. And has been trying to take revenge on me ever since.
 

Yama

Permabanned
Joined
Dec 1, 2014
Messages
7,684
MBTI Type
ESFJ
Enneagram
6w7
Instinctual Variant
so/sx
She's taking out her negative emotions about her situation after the accident on you, probably thinking you're an easy target if you aren't fighting back. And she's going to keep doing so if you don't stand your ground. She probably doesn't even see it that way. In her mind, she's probably just upset and she's most likely convinced herself that you actually are terrible even if in reality you arent--willful self-delusions. You're going to need to have a serious talk with her, and expect her to be wildly emotional and prepare for that. Keep your composure at all times. You're going to need to find a way to point this out to her without being condescending, and find a way to stand your ground against her attacks while still letting her know that you care (emotionally). Ask her what she wants. What she needs. Then tell her what you need from her. Don't expect her to listen to you at first. It's going to take a while to get through to her.
 
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