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[ISTJ] NEED ADVICE PLEASE!! ESPECIALLY FROM AN ISTJ WOMAN!!

notgivingupjustyet

New member
Joined
Oct 10, 2016
Messages
6
MBTI Type
ENFP
NEED ADVICE PLEASE!! ESPECIALLY FROM AN ISTJ WOMAN!!
I am either an ETFP or ENFP…. I met an ISTJ woman last year and we dated for about 5 months. We just hit it off and our personalities seemed to “compliment” each other. However, I was ambivalent about the relationship (which she knew) and asked for some time apart (we work together so we naturally saw each other several times a week). During this time it was harder for her than me. I was set on figuring some things out (our relationship, my career move, ect.) 3 weeks went by, then, unfortunately I ended it (I know those reading probably think “what a jerk!”) Well, I thought it was the right idea since I was having doubts and didn’t want to keep dragging her along while I was vacillating like that.
Well, she was hurt pretty bad. THEN…almost 3 months later (still working together) I began developing feeling for her like I hadn’t before and started missing her, wondering why I couldn’t work through my “doubts” about commitment. I am sorry and regret my decision, but sometimes letting someone go allows time to realize just how special they were or are. Cliché of course, but it’s true. Anyways, I’ve told her this (which I should have waited longer to say-I know now) and she said “I’m not sure how I feel.” We still work together and she goes from being open and friendly to defensive and closed off. I overheard her tell a friend “we’ll see how this goes.” Any thoughts??
 

Amargith

Hotel California
Joined
Nov 5, 2008
Messages
14,717
MBTI Type
ENFP
Enneagram
4dw
Instinctual Variant
sx/so
Well...tables have been turned. It's your turn to be in the hot seat and wait for her to figure things out.

There is *nothing* you can do, except be consistent in your friendly, but non-pushy approach to her. You've laid out all your cards, the ball is in her court so...accept that this is beyond your control and come to terms with either outcome. She had to give you the same space and risk the same things when you told her you needed to figure it out. So, return the favour.

That is all you *can* do.
 

Norrsken

self murderer
Joined
Nov 27, 2015
Messages
3,633
MBTI Type
ENFJ
Instinctual Variant
sx/so
You screwed up. Let her go and learn from this.
 

Cloudpatrol

Senior(ita) Member
Joined
Jan 26, 2016
Messages
2,163
NEED ADVICE PLEASE!! ESPECIALLY FROM AN ISTJ WOMAN!!
I am either an ETFP or ENFP…. I met an ISTJ woman last year and we dated for about 5 months. We just hit it off and our personalities seemed to “compliment” each other. However, I was ambivalent about the relationship (which she knew) and asked for some time apart (we work together so we naturally saw each other several times a week). During this time it was harder for her than me. I was set on figuring some things out (our relationship, my career move, ect.) 3 weeks went by, then, unfortunately I ended it (I know those reading probably think “what a jerk!”) Well, I thought it was the right idea since I was having doubts and didn’t want to keep dragging her along while I was vacillating like that.
Well, she was hurt pretty bad. THEN…almost 3 months later (still working together) I began developing feeling for her like I hadn’t before and started missing her, wondering why I couldn’t work through my “doubts” about commitment. I am sorry and regret my decision, but sometimes letting someone go allows time to realize just how special they were or are. Cliché of course, but it’s true. Anyways, I’ve told her this (which I should have waited longer to say-I know now) and she said “I’m not sure how I feel.” We still work together and she goes from being open and friendly to defensive and closed off. I overheard her tell a friend “we’ll see how this goes.” Any thoughts??

I am going to tell you what I find worrisome about this and ask some questions in a sec.

First: I didn't think you were a jerk while reading what went down.

Personally, I would much rather have someone be honest with me then lead me on. And, you told her your truth at that time. I don't mean that I wouldn't be hurt. But, I would respect the person for dignifying me with honesty and would be LESS hurt than if he kept dating me and later said "these were doubts I had but didn't express".

I don't think you need to feel badly about that (as the facts have been presented).


Of course there are consequences to all of our actions, and you sound aware of that.

She may be battle-scarred and leery of engaging with you again. She may find someone else. Lots of possibilities.



When you broke things off, do you think you showed sensitivity? Was it a mutual conversation or were you firmly in the driver's seat? I ask because I am trying to discern if the break-up was something you did together or if she will feel it was something 'done to her'? What was your communication like at that time?

Why did you miss her? Why are you not better off as friends?



Your situation in particularly tricky because you work together. So, she would be in a position where she would have to see you, while still navigating her hurt.



Do you understand that she opened herself and you bailed? So, she may now have very serious concerns about opening herself again. How does she know you will not - once again - choose the option of being without her? How do YOU know?

If you don't, that is not a crime. Dating is actually for the purpose of getting to know each other. Breaking up is not the end of the world.


In this specific instance, she may require more reassurance than is usual. I honestly don't know. Some can live in the moment and enjoy what is without demanding answers from the future. You will know better what she would be desiring in that regard. Other ISTJ's might be able to provide info on type-specific reaction to this kind of situation. I can't.


It sounds like she is vacillating in her desire to engage with you again, and the instinct that you represent "DANGER".


When you told her your feelings had returned, how open were you about the things I have gone into above? Did you acknowledge that you understand why and how you hurt her?

I DO think it's possible this could still work. A couple I am very close to (like 2nd parent's) went through something VERY similar - even dating other people before reconciling - and they have been married now for +35 years.

BUT, that comes with a caution. You joined the site with a username that reflects this situation. You wrote your post in all caps. I am concerned you feel frantic over having made a mistake and are being propelled by urgency.


This may NOT happen.


If it does, it will require patience and mature, direct communication. Are you a person who feels less anxious when you are in control? Do you prefer gratification that comes faster?

This may mean that she is in the 'driver's seat' for a time while she figures out what she is comfortable with. Can you do that? Exist with uncertainty?

Are you able to also focus on YOU right now? Your own interests and pursuits that bring pleasure?


Welcome to the forum. Sorry for the disappointment in the way things have gone. Don't beat yourself up though. Not knowing your mind is not a sin. And, you were honest. That counts for something :hug:
 

Cloudpatrol

Senior(ita) Member
Joined
Jan 26, 2016
Messages
2,163
P.S.

I am either an ETFP or ENFP


I think this was a typo (due to 2nd letter being a "T" in the first option). What was the first type meant to be?
 

notgivingupjustyet

New member
Joined
Oct 10, 2016
Messages
6
MBTI Type
ENFP
Thank you for your response and advice. Yes, the "tables have turned!" I am definitely in the hot seat and saying to be "consistent" and "non-pushy" is what I keep hearing, especially the consistency as trust is now suspect because of my decision to end things before. But...things have been looking up
 

notgivingupjustyet

New member
Joined
Oct 10, 2016
Messages
6
MBTI Type
ENFP
Hmmm, that's right, the second letter is a N or S. I was in-between these two with only a slight increase in N.
 

notgivingupjustyet

New member
Joined
Oct 10, 2016
Messages
6
MBTI Type
ENFP
Personally, I would much rather have someone be honest with me then lead me on. And, you told her your truth at that time. I don't mean that I wouldn't be hurt. But, I would respect the person for dignifying me with honesty and would be LESS hurt than if he kept dating me and later said "these were doubts I had but didn't express".

Yes, she mentioned feeling relief when I officially ended the dating between us. Especially because of my ambivalence, which she was aware of.

When you broke things off, do you think you showed sensitivity? Was it a mutual conversation or were you firmly in the driver's seat? I ask because I am trying to discern if the break-up was something you did together or if she will feel it was something 'done to her'? What was your communication like at that time?


Why did you miss her? Why are you not better off as friends?
Many reasons, let me say it this way. I've been super-attracted to someone, infatuated, but this is different. When I think of her, all-around, I see someone I could live with and grow with. We don't have many mutual friends that we spend time with and will be living in different towns sooner or later, friendship would be a hard one here.

Do you understand that she opened herself and you bailed? So, she may now have very serious concerns about opening herself again. How does she know you will not - once again - choose the option of being without her? How do YOU know?

Absolutely. As she should, the only way to help her to know is being consistent and friendly, not pushy (as the user above mentioned). Over time, she will develop trust for me again.

Dating is actually for the purpose of getting to know each other.
Thats what I told her. She is someone who hasn't dated anyone "seriously" for many years. You could kind of say I haven't either. This case is wild, because we work together.

I will take alook at the other questions soon
 

notgivingupjustyet

New member
Joined
Oct 10, 2016
Messages
6
MBTI Type
ENFP
Hello,

Sorry I haven't been around recently. Busyness got a hold of me but I have an update. Well, things were actually going well, I was consistent and friendly, her friend even told me that I was doing good and to keep it up and not be pushy. I even had a conversation with her that went something like this: She said she was in the middle of allowing the door to open fully open on one side and on the other, totally closed. She mentioned the door was ajar for now. She said she thought she might be "overthinking things" and that she wasn't sure how long this would last. She even threw hints out there about us working things out. She even invited me to her office for lunch. Her friend told me she was thinking things could work out. Then, I noticed she was kind of distant for a few weeks, she was very focused on a new internship she was starting. I got all up in my emotions again and fearful, so I started to "bring things up" again and this resulted in her getting frustrated and overwhelmed. I was also getting frustrated because it seems she would say contradicting things at times. So now, she got upset with me and said a week ago that she wasn't sure if it would ever work out and didn't know if she was willing to ever work things out and saying how she is just frustrated and wants to be "left alone." This was all in text of course.

So I'm leaving her alone. Then 4 days later at work as I was just non-chalant, I overheard her tell her friend that she "felt bad" and knew this was hard for me. She said that she didn't feel that bad because I put her through this kind of thing as well. Her friend mentioned that "at least he seems to have his mind made up now (meaning he wants to be with you)." To which she said "It's only been 1 and a half months." She also mentioned how hard this was and she needed a break. She also told her friend that we could have been friends but I keep "bringing things up" so now we can't.

Here's the thing...I am seriously confused by her. Two weeks ago she was considering a 6 month internship at the place I work at and was talking about me "being on the winning side of things working out." Almost two weeks later, she is saying she isn't sure if things will work out at all--or ever. She says we seem like we/re going in different directions and not sure how she feels. This was only after I brought things up of course.

I see that I was doing good and I think if I stopped myself from reading into what she's saying doing/ not doing and was consistently kind and friendly towards her as I was in the beginning, she might have been interning at my new job (which I haven't started yet).

TO answer a few questions you had a little while ago: yes, after the breakup I did not show sensitivity, in fact her friend told me it seemed like it didn't bother you and since we worked together, she saw me multiple times a week.
 
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