[ISTJ] Dating Advice

[Toblerone]

I’m dating an ISTJ; he’s certainly more of a “show” than “tell” individual when it comes to giving affection or communicating feelings. I don’t expect that to change drastically. However, I’m curious if ISTJs in general are more prone to opening up and sharing how they feel about their partner as they feel more comfortable with the relationship?

I’m fine giving him the time and space he needs to understand and express his feelings, but I really do have a hard time reading him, and verbal affirmation and open communication is important to me.

Additional questions:

If ISTJs aren’t particularly forthcoming about their feelings, is it okay to non-invasively inquire about them?

Besides time and consistency, what are some ways to build trust with an ISTJ?

Besides trust, what are some ways to get inside ISTJ walls?

What other helpful advice should I know about the early stages of dating an ISTJ?

 

[Tilt]

I’m dating an ISTJ; he’s certainly more of a “show” than “tell” individual when it comes to giving affection or communicating feelings. I don’t expect that to change drastically. However, I’m curious if ISTJs in general are more prone to opening up and sharing how they feel about their partner as they feel more comfortable with the relationship?

I’m fine giving him the time and space he needs to understand and express his feelings, but I really do have a hard time reading him, and verbal affirmation and open communication is important to me.

Additional questions:

If ISTJs aren’t particularly forthcoming about their feelings, is it okay to non-invasively inquire about them?

Besides time and consistency, what are some ways to build trust with an ISTJ?

Besides trust, what are some ways to get inside ISTJ walls?

What other helpful advice should I know about the early stages of dating an ISTJ?

One of my close friends is an ISTJ male. At least from my NFJ vantage point, I usually talk about emotions in a detached, philosophical way and I give him the rationale behind the way I feel without being overly emotive. After awhile, he started to be more open w/ his emotions. Saying that, he will probably never be markedly emotionally expressive. For the most part, I have noticed that ISTJs will tend to show that they care by giving you their time/doing subtle things for you/remembering little details, conversations.

 

[Strawberry Unicorn]

I'm a girl ISTJ and I have no dating experience (probably because of this) but I tend to be a big scaredy cat opening up to people. I'm sort of like an onion with many layers. First I don't talk much but will show as much as I can that I care through acts like staying near them, listening, remembering everything about them, and helping them with stuff. Then when they show appreciation and reciprocate wanting to be with me, I start to talk more. I like when they actually listen and remember stuff I say because I feel special. If I'm stressed I may vent a little and if they listen and care, then I might learn to trust them with my feelings. Sometimes when talking about philosophical/spiritual stuff I will start talking about feelings without realizing. This might be a good time to asks questions. Feelings make me feel vulnerable and embarrassed because the person might see or treat me differently or pity me. I like when the person can relate though and we can maybe joke about it so it's not awkward.
Also, in relationships (even just friends) I am slow to warm up because once I do, I am comitted 110% for life. So I really need assurance that a person will stick by me.

 

[Yama]

The ISTJs I know are incredibly private when it comes to their emotions. They don't like opening up, especially if you try to force them to. They'll talk to you when and if they're comfortable, in whatever way works best for them. I've also noticed that they tend to be actions >>> words type of people.

 

[Toblerone]

First off, thank you for your reply. This is an incredibly thoughtful and helpful post.

I'm sort of like an onion with many layers. First I don't talk much but will show as much as I can that I care through acts like staying near them, listening, remembering everything about them, and helping them with stuff.

This is so much like him. It’s taken me years to realize this about him actually. We’ve known each other for several years (meet at work) and became friends over time. We’ve been pretty close friends for the last two-three years, but I’d still say I’ve only seen the layers closest to the surface.

Then when they show appreciation and reciprocate wanting to be with me, I start to talk more. I like when they actually listen and remember stuff I say because I feel special. If I'm stressed I may vent a little and if they listen and care, then I might learn to trust them with my feelings.

I think I’ve made my appreciation and feelings for him pretty clear. We’ve always kind of vented to each other, but he’s definitely starting to open up more about his life and personal things.

Do you have any suggestions on how I can be more available for him or how I can show him I appreciate him more? I try to be respectful of his time – like show up early or be on time when I’m meeting him places. If I’m going to be late I let him know when I’ll be there. I’m respectful of his space, his privacy, his alone time… I know his schedule pretty well and can tell when he needs to recharge and I try to give him that time if he needs it.

Sometimes when talking about philosophical/spiritual stuff I will start talking about feelings without realizing. This might be a good time to asks questions.

Good advice. I noticed this with a different example. We were watching a movie together and there was a random ocean scene with a whale. Out of curiosity, I asked him if he’s ever seen a whale before. He told he had when he was in Hawaii. He’s never talked about Hawaii before, so I asked him when he was in Hawaii. Then he mentioned his honeymoon to Hawaii with this ex-wife.

Who knew? I’ve know this guy for years and he’s never mentioned this trip – and he knows I love to travel. He probably never would have mentioned this if I hadn’t randomly asked about whale watching. #progress

Feelings make me feel vulnerable and embarrassed because the person might see or treat me differently or pity me. I like when the person can relate though and we can maybe joke about it so it's not awkward.

I get what you're saying, because I'm a private person too, and this is exactly how I feel about sharing my inner feelings with others.

I know that this is how he feels also, but I don't think he understands how much I can relate, or that it's okay for him to be vulnerable with me.

Also, in relationships (even just friends) I am slow to warm up because once I do, I am comitted 110% for life. So I really need assurance that a person will stick by me.

This is totally him too. The thing is, I am committed to this relationship, but I don’t know how to tell him that without totally freaking him out.

I also know that actions speak louder than words to him, so I’m trying to show him that I really do care, I’m just not really sure how else to do that.