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  1. #11
    Junior Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2008


    Start doing excessive amounts of drugs, drink a lot, become a cutter, a blood drinker, wear bizarre clothing, dye your hair black - no, better yet, shave it off.

    ...Just kidding.

    Seeing as how she's your mom, I doubt I need to tell you not to make ESFJs really angry - not if you're looking to patch things up, anyway. In fact, I'm not really sure I could mention or suggest anything that you haven't already considered or tried yourself. All I can say is that I sort of know where you're coming from with an ISFJ mom. xSFJs need to be needed. If you don't let her do whatever it is for you that she's trying to do then she isn't going to like it. You've probably got it worse than I do too (from an I's standpoint) because my mom will bottle it up and never forget it so she can use it against me later, whereas your mom will unleash her fury right then and there in whatever Fe way she can. There must be no end to her tirade.

  2. #12
    Occasional Member Evan's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2007


    That sucks. Your post reminds me of my mother (an ISTJ).

    It's so hard to deal with people like that because you're forced to be around them, but you don't want to just compromise yourself and your morals and go along. I'd say just grit your teeth and brute force it through the days until you leave.

    Unless she's willing to go to family therapy or something, but it sounds like she'd be against that.

    Maybe clean up without being asked? That's about all I can think of, lol.

    I still have an incredible amount of resentment towards my mother for shit like that, and I've been out of the house for over 4 years

  3. #13
    Junior Member
    Join Date
    Oct 2018


    I registered on this website just to tell you that what you are describing is 100% accurate with my ESFJ mom, me being an INFJ, I have almost the exact same interaction with her as you guys. I've realized that distance is the only way for our mother-dauther relationship to work better, been living away from home for 8 years now and our relationship has improved a bit. But whenever I do go visit her, if I don't behave exactly like how she wishes, or if I loses my patience, we can clash really hard.

  4. #14
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2019
    - None


    My mother is very commanding like military forces but also a caregiver like a nurse.
    My mother is always in a hurry. She wants to get something done immediately: right now. Otherwise, she will judge it as a procrastination, which she reproaches. When something is done just now, she always question: why did you do it just now? why not getting it done long ago or since long time ago.
    I have been theorizing that I used to play military action figure when I was a kid, is partly because of her influence and I also play RTS military video game.
    Her feeling can only be satisfied when people do as she instructs.
    She encounters a trouble with my sister (ISTP), who she judges knows nothing of doing housekeeping work. Quite often She is upset and question who my sister descendants are, since she perceives that my sister is not like herself: she has been doing housekeeping work since a kid, and has been giving example but disappointed that my sister fails to follow her diligence in housekeeping work. She seems to be a proponent of theory of inheritance trait through gene. Viewing from this paradigm, she seems to believe that because my sister is her daughter, her descendants, she should have a trait like herself.She seems to expect that if herself are diligent in doing housekeeping work, my sister should behave like her, which seems not the case.
    She doesn't like Saying yes, without taking some action or even not immediately take some action to her instruction. For example, when she instructs me to throw away the garbage, and I say yes, but it happens that I am still doing something else, she will get upset.
    My sister also when telling that she is going to do some exercise in the afternoon, when afternoon arrives, she will remind it. She doesn't like if my sister cancel it. She didn't ask whether my sister positively go exercising, or whether she has made up her mind but she rather reminds what she said before.
    My sister once told me that she chose to enroll in a dormitory based high school more than two decades ago, in order to stay away from my mother. May be it is also the reason why she chose to enroll in university which distanced 1,5-2 hours flight plus 2 hours on bus/car from the city my parents used to live in.

    Quote Originally Posted by Leysing View Post
    Do you have any ideas or experiences how I/we could improve the situation?
    You may have to live far away from her, just like my sister used to do.
    You seem to me an ISFP.
    Quote Originally Posted by Leysing View Post
    she has managed to make me cry several times (I don't very easily cry because of negative or bad things) but she never apologises, she just tells me to develop a sense of humour or says that she has to "let it out".
    When you cry, ESFJ might only say not to be crybaby.

    Quote Originally Posted by Leysing View Post
    Another frustrating thing is that she blames me for our arguments and she claims that I'm always trying to make up something to argue about
    I have learnt that ESFJ likes to monitor the news, so you had better act like news broadcaster way to her. For example, Whenever you are in disagreement with her, You should not argue against her position, that since it will be wasting your energy. Just inform her that You disagree with her telling like this: I disagree with you Mom and just leave her. Her Extroverted intuition - introverted thinker will process that when she is alone.
    Last edited by typologyenthusiast; 10-18-2019 at 06:24 PM.

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