[ISTJ] How to handle a violent ISTJ

[Forever]

...what's age range here?

 

[Kitty Lancaster]

...what's age range here?

Older is 15 younger is 12 (I'm about smack in the middle give or take about half a year)

 

[Yama]

Older is 15 younger is 12 (I'm about smack in the middle give or take about half a year)

I would argue that a 15-year-old is self-aware enough to know that beating up younger siblings is wrong.

 

[mrcockburn]

Yeah. This ISTJ. You know what his enneagram is? It's 9/1/1. Dial it. Now.

 

[TSDesigner]

If you all are not going to retaliate or call the police, then it's your own fault and all you can do is keep getting beat up. An ISTJ bully is sadistic and won't listen to any kind of talk or reason. That's ridiculous that you say it's not your place to call the police. I don't like wasting time giving advice to people who won't do anything.

I had a verbally & mentally abusive ISTJ father. The only thing that stopped his abuse was when I kicked his ass.
He always wanted to hurt me as much as possible and destroy me. He succeeded in ruining my life and doing
long lasting psychological damage. I'm happy that he's dead. I just wish that I had kicked his ass a lot worse than
I did when he was alive.

 

[iHeartCats]

Istj's weakness is that they are Ne-inferior.

Enfp should use this for their advantage, since they are Ne-dom and therefore should be very creative.
For example Si-doms like routine, they don't like changes and dealing with unpredictable. They are always confused when something in their environment changes, so the enfp should displace istj's pencils, cups, clothing items and other personal belongings and pretend they have no idea what happened - if this is done properly and often enough, it should throw the istj off track and make them nervous and possibly even dysfunctional, and they would have less energy left for abusing the enfp.

 

[Betty Blue]

Istj's weakness is that they are Ne-inferior.

Enfp should use this for their advantage, since they are Ne-dom and therefore should be very creative.
For example Si-doms like routine, they don't like changes and dealing with unpredictable. They are always confused when something in their environment changes, so the enfp should displace istj's pencils, cups, clothing items and other personal belongings and pretend they have no idea what happened - if this is done properly and often enough, it should throw the istj off track and make them nervous and possibly even dysfunctional, and they would have less energy left for abusing the enfp.

Lol, that sounds pretty Ne creative to me. I'm not overly convinced increasing his stress levels would be helpful though. I would reiterate the things about calling the police. I don't understand why the family are allowing it to happen. I'd absolutely not allow it between my children. My daughter (who has autism) has kicked off violently a couple of times with myself and my son. We quickly sought advise and support and nipped it in the bud super fast. Sounds like a dictatorship imo.

Also to the op are you a 14 year old infp girl dating a 12 year old enfp boy? Seems odd.

 

[SearchingforPeace]

This is bullying, pure and simple. It has lifetime repercussions for both brothers.

My brother started being abusive to me when I was about 6, mostly verbally but also relationship bullying and physical. My parents knew but struggled to do anything with such a difficult child. They took him to lots of counselling.

Then I beat up my brother at 8, as I was already bigger than him. I didn't get in trouble for it, even though I sat on him and pounded his face until my knuckles were bruised pretty badly.

He never physically bothered me again. He did start the verbal abuse again.

Being a conflict avoiding INFJ 9w8, I put up with his shit and eventually it severely impacted me, causing me to suppress feelings for most of my life.

Bullying is bad.

Looking back, my parents really failed at attachment. Bullies need connection and empathy. They need to respect the order of the family.

Of course, my ISTJ dad and ENFP mom didn't have much love for each other or themselves and had both lost a parent in childhood, impacting their own ability to love.

Side note: maybe you need to back away from this family. Your BF is young. You are young. The brother is young. Outside of telling the BF's father the true extent of the situation or calling the police (which will likely cause no result), there might not be anything to do.

If you really want to help: Given he is a pastor, try using a scripture story(David) as a guide. Tell him you know of a family where a child is being seriously abused by an older sibling, but you don't think the parents know. You want to help but don't know how. Ask him what he thinks you should do or how he would deal with it. Then disclose to him it is his family.

Getting him to his solution before bringing in his family (with his emotions and binders attached) will allow him to have a solution ready and accept the need to impose it.

Extra note: your ENFP should get involved in a muscle training program and martial arts. It will give him more muscles, more self esteem, and the ability to breast down his brother.....

 

[prplchknz]

the ISTJ could be depressed, i'm not saying he is. but my brother use to be really really mean (not to the point of abusive like your brother)but used to hold me underwater, and insulted me constantly. He didn't beat me up, but i hated being held underwater. in middle school it was revealed that he had been thinking about suicide for years, he went into counseling dealt with his issues and ended up being a lot kinder to me and everyone. turns out he was overweight as a kid and dealt with a lot of bullying and teasing.

so i agree with everyone some sort of intervention needs to happen.

 

[PeaceBaby]

Let's start at the beginning. Has the ENFP told his parents about this? I suspect the answer is no so that is the place to begin. He must reveal what is happening to him.

 

[Bknight]

Let's start at the beginning. Has the ENFP told his parents about this? I suspect the answer is no so that is the place to begin. He must reveal what is happening to him.

Nope. Read Kitty's first few posts in this thread. It comes up at some point.

 

[Bknight]

I agree a counselor would be a good idea but I don't think the abuse is against the law the police would say that it's just typical brotherly squabbles

I know what "typical brotherly squabbles" look like. This is far worse. I'm not an expert by any means, but from the sound of it, this ISTJ may not be entirely mentally stable. That is bad.

At this point you have a duty to yourself, to your S.O., and to the law to call the police. This could easily escalate, and if the family won't do anything, then you need to contact the authorities. If you don't, and the police find out, then you might be considered to legally be part of the problem. That is the last thing anyone wants.

Get help. Just do it.

 

[andresimon]

Ok guys. This scenario will take a lot of explaining but I really need help. So I know these two guys, they are brothers The older is an ISTJ and the younger is an ENFP. So first off they are complete opposites, which doesn't help matters. The problem is that the ISTJ is very violent towards the ENFP- both physically and verbally, to the point that the ENFP is in pretty much constant physical pain somewhere on his body, and is emotionally very insecure.
Also, I should mention that I am dating the ENFP. No one knows this because we aren't "old enough" so we haven't told anybody, but the ISTJ is pretty suspicious and he will tease the ENFP about me and insult me in front of him when I'm not around.
Well, it's very true that INFPs like myself loathe conflict, and this situation is emotionally hurting me almost as much as the ENFP. However, anytime I try to get involved, the ISTJ along with my parents tell me to leave it alone; that it's "not my fight". I tried a verbal assault once, but it didn't phase the ISTJ. (They are so aggravatingly confident in their rightness!) Right now I'm trying to just ignore him, but I'm still aching to get him to leave the ENFP alone. Another big problem is that the ENFP refuses to retaliate. He truly adores his big brother and despite my encouragements will not hurt him.
I've been trying to figure out why the ISTJ acts this way in the first place, and the obvious reason is that he is jealous of his younger brother, who has more friends and a much kinder heart. I imagine that he hates how hateful he is, but the fact that he can't seem to do anything about it only causes him to be angrier and more aggressive.
Anyway, now that you know the background information, please please give me wise suggestions for dealing with this ISTJ. How would you prefer being approached, and what would just make you angry? Are there ways I could help him? Because I truly want to do this in a way that builds him up. I want him to stop out of love and kindness (both from me and his brother to him, and from him to his brother) , not because somebody pinned him to a wall and punched his guts out unless he promised to stop. So how can I love him through this? And how can I make him stop?

-Kitty

ISTJ's are generally geared towards a compulsive fear based personality. What you are witnessing is someone with those types of more natural fears in a position of power. The best thing the ENFP can do is to get authorities such as parents or police involved so that the ISTJ has something to fear. You have a very poorly developed ISTJ on your hands. The ENFP will be impacted tremendously because that's just what happens to ENFP's I've seen in similar situations.

In a very NON emotional way, the ENFP needs to clearly state boundaries, NO FEELINGS, NO EMOTIONS, just clearly state that it is not ok. State that to the parents as well and let EVERYONE know that if it doesn't stop that you will take the next step which is getting someone else involved such as counselors or police. If the situation is beyond that already, then going to the authorities first maybe the best idea. I have no idea about the specifics of the situation and so much of what I'm saying is just guesses. Good luck.

 

[Ursa]

You need to contact the police. 9-1-1 is absolutely necessary when you see one person commit violence on another, period. Shelve any hesitation, doubt, explanations and excuses because they are misplaced and contact the proper authorities.

If you truly came here for advice, then listen to it, stop making excuses and act accordingly. This situation requires professional attention, not your version of love and kindness. After all, this is not about you and what you want but about preventing violence against someone and bringing justice to every party when it happens. Yes, it hurts and it stinks and you have every right to feel that way. But you have to do the correct, realistic thing even when it hurts because someone's physical and emotional integrity is on the line.

 

[rmrf]

You need to contact the police. 9-1-1 is absolutely necessary when you see one person commit violence on another, period. Shelve any hesitation, doubt, explanations and excuses, because they are misplaced, and contact the proper authorities.

If you truly came here for advice, then listen to it, stop making excuses and act accordingly. This situation requires professional attention, not your version of love and kindness. Yes, it hurts and it stinks and you have every right to feel that way. But you have to do the correct, realistic thing even when it hurts.

I second this. Only the OP truely knows what's happening, and if it's proper one sided battery that goes well beyond the occasional superfical fight siblings may have, then the OP really should call the police. In any case, tell the parents. I personally believe authorties should get involved only if the situation is of high severity (which appears to be the case here). If someone is being battered and bruised, then it is an emergancy and requires immediate intervention.

The fact you are needing to ask and make a thread implies cognitive dissonance, deep down you know you must act, but are trying to justify the natural self-preservation instinct of keeping out of it. Don't succumb to cowardice, act on what you see.

 

[rmrf]

Another very important thing is to bring this to his parent's attention, strongly urge them to get help for him. He's still only young and with intervention, he may move past using violence. Be very clear and frank about the seriousness here, as 15 is not far off the 'rubicon' where without prior help, he'll likely be a lifelong abuser and a danger to anyone sharing a house with him.

Do you know what school the victim and/or assailant goes to. You could contact the counsellor, inform him/her of the situation, so that they can maybe approach them about the situation