[ISFJ] How win back my ISFJ man

[ESFJ100]

Hi, I'm an ESFJ and my ISFJ boyfriend fell hard for me but I wasn't ready to be in a relationship since I had just come out of a divorce. He was so kind, sweet, and gentle but the stress built up over the year. I would at times be cold or say things that I didn't mean to.
We broke up once after a year and after a month of struggling we decided to try again. Unfortunately, he cannot let go of the past and when things are going well, he gets negative and brings up the past. I have sincerely apologized for everything and love him so much. It's been up and down for 5 months. He wants to get married but thinks I might revert back to how I was last year. Any advice??? Thanks.

 

[Thalassa]

If he wants to get married, why do you think you have to win him back?

There is no easy way to make him feel secure. You are going to have to just stay consistent until he trusts you again.

Besides, you had just gotten over a divorce, doesn't he understand that.

 

[Amargith]

Go to a counsellor together. Suggesting this in the right way (aka not as a fix it or in a defensive manner, but as a constructive next step) will display your willingness to make this work and commit to a new future with him, while the counsellor will be able to give you both the tools you need to make sure the past is no longer an issue. Use that SFJ loyalty, hard working nature and love in a constructive way to get you both what you want

 

[ESFJ100]

Thank you for the replies.

As the both of you have suggested, I am being consistent so that he can see that it's okay to trust me.

About marriage, that's what makes him unsure about us now. He has brought up breaking up and starting over with a new person (without bad memories) numerous times but hasn't followed through.

As for counseling, I wish that were an option, but unfortunately I live in a society where it's not an option.

I will try my best, but how do I know when I should stop? Has he just changed? I'm feeling a bit discouraged.

 

[Amargith]

Thank you for the replies.

As the both of you have suggested, I am being consistent so that he can see that it's okay to trust me.

About marriage, that's what makes him unsure about us now. He has brought up breaking up and starting over with a new person (without bad memories) numerous times but hasn't followed through.

As for counseling, I wish that were an option, but unfortunately I live in a society where it's not an option.

I will try my best, but how do I know when I should stop? Has he just changed? I'm feeling a bit discouraged.

Mmm, how about someone who is rather wise in these things and a person you both trust to mediate?

The thing is, he needs to work through the memories, and you clearly need to feel like he won't just up and drop you coz he cannot deal. Only you two can decide if what is worth putting up with wrt to the love you feel for one another. And how long you can hold on. But it would be handy to have an objective third party there to listen and help you figure things out

 

[tinker683]

ISFJ male here, some thoughts of my own

1) You two sound like you need to slow things down. It is awesome and fantastic that you both want to work through some things but it sounds like the both of you have things you need to work through and rushing into marriage or anything like that is a horribly bad idea.

2) The only thing YOU can do is be patient and diligent in your efforts. HE has to decide to forgive you for whatever slights you may have done and he has to make the choice to LET THAT GO. You can only do what you can only do but it takes two people to make a relationship work and it sounds like he's got some stuff he needs to work out himself.

Which I understand completely, I've been in that position myself. But the things you've stated that he's said to you is unfair to you and borders on being emotionally abusive. He's got to realize that the way he's acting now is not constructive and if he really wants this to work, then he's going to have to put his shoulder into it and make it work.

Getting into a relationship right out of a divorce was probably not the smart idea...but it happened, it's done, and now there is no use crying over spilled milk.

I hope you two can work it out

 

[Habba]

With SiFe, you'll have to work super extra hard to fix the mistakes of the past. ISFJs generally tend to have a good memory of past, and they continously draw influences from past events, and whatever happened between you two can not be undone, ever. So he'll always come back to whatever happened. Time after time.

I'm not sure how to work it out, but you might need to confront him for real about the past. Yes, it might have been you who made the mistake, but it is him who keeps the baggage in your relationship. My opinion is that ISFJs endure too much and solve too little problems for their own benefit. If you are to live your lives together for decades to come, you'll have to learn how to confront the other and openly discuss problems in your relationship, solve them and forget them.

 

[tinker683]

With SiFe, you'll have to work super extra hard to fix the mistakes of the past. ISFJs generally tend to have a good memory of past, and they continously draw influences from past events, and whatever happened between you two can not be undone, ever. So he'll always come back to whatever happened. Time after time.

I'm not sure how to work it out, but you might need to confront him for real about the past. Yes, it might have been you who made the mistake, but it is him who keeps the baggage in your relationship. My opinion is that ISFJs endure too much and solve too little problems for their own benefit. If you are to live your lives together for decades to come, you'll have to learn how to confront the other and openly discuss problems in your relationship, solve them and forget them.

Just requoting this because it's true.

I've had to learn that in order to make any relationship work, I have to learn to let go of the past or nothing will work. Everyone makes mistakes and it can't be helped, we need to just move on and let it go.

 

[skylights]

Others have made good points...

I asked my ISFJ and he said this: if you're taking out your feelings on him - ones that are unrelated to your interactions with him - that's not fair of you. And if you're doing that now, and you also did it in the past, then it's fair that he is bringing up the past, since it's the same behavior that you still haven't fixed. However, if you're upset at him because of something that he did, and it has nothing to do with the past, then it isn't fair of him to bring up the past and use it against you.

For my ISFJ, it's very important after argument that we lay down boundaries to help prevent it from happening again. For example, I have always had a hard time controlling my emotions, and sometimes I have directed negative emotion at him even though he didn't do anything to deserve it. So I've agreed to stop directing my negative emotions at him when he hasn't done anything to provoke that. I don't always succeed, but I'm doing a lot better than I used to, and he appreciates that. He still gets upset with me when I don't control it, and I think that's fair.

Like Tinker said, clearly you guys have some things to work through before considering marriage. You need to work through whatever feelings linger from your divorce and he needs to quit threatening to start over with someone new. There's no such thing as a perfect relationship; there will always be some negativity in the past. He needs to decide whether he is willing to endure a negative past with you.

I wish you both luck as well.

 

[Honor]

Hi, I'm an ESFJ and my ISFJ boyfriend fell hard for me but I wasn't ready to be in a relationship since I had just come out of a divorce. He was so kind, sweet, and gentle but the stress built up over the year. I would at times be cold or say things that I didn't mean to.
We broke up once after a year and after a month of struggling we decided to try again. Unfortunately, he cannot let go of the past and when things are going well, he gets negative and brings up the past. I have sincerely apologized for everything and love him so much. It's been up and down for 5 months. He wants to get married but thinks I might revert back to how I was last year. Any advice??? Thanks.

Wow, this seems like a tough situation! Sorry I don't have better advice, but I hope things work out. I think couples counseling might be a good option here to help him let go of of what happened before and help reduce the ups and downs. Good luck, doll! xoxo

 

[Honor]

Hi, I'm an ESFJ and my ISFJ boyfriend fell hard for me but I wasn't ready to be in a relationship since I had just come out of a divorce. He was so kind, sweet, and gentle but the stress built up over the year. I would at times be cold or say things that I didn't mean to.
We broke up once after a year and after a month of struggling we decided to try again. Unfortunately, he cannot let go of the past and when things are going well, he gets negative and brings up the past. I have sincerely apologized for everything and love him so much. It's been up and down for 5 months. He wants to get married but thinks I might revert back to how I was last year. Any advice??? Thanks.

Wow, this seems like a tough situation! Sorry I don't have better advice, but I hope things work out. I think couples counseling might be a good option here to help him let go of of what happened before and help reduce the ups and downs. Good luck, doll! xoxo

 

[Giggly]

I agree with [MENTION=6877]Marmotini[/MENTION] . Consistency is key.

 

[Thalassa]

Thank you for the replies.

As the both of you have suggested, I am being consistent so that he can see that it's okay to trust me.

About marriage, that's what makes him unsure about us now. He has brought up breaking up and starting over with a new person (without bad memories) numerous times but hasn't followed through.

As for counseling, I wish that were an option, but unfortunately I live in a society where it's not an option.

I will try my best, but how do I know when I should stop? Has he just changed? I'm feeling a bit discouraged.

Si dom with a strong feeling function may not be able to get over the past without time and effort. I have had an ISxJ tell me he thought once SJs are through with you, they are through. However my experience with SJ men actually is that they don't let go easily because they value the past, yet if you violate an Si dom trust they may be slow to give it again, they are not people who give out trust easily, but the upside is if they do trust you they are very loyal, and place that trust in you above most other people, IME.

ON THE OTHER HAND, you should also think of your self. He may be over punishing you, I have known Si dom men who were overly negative or critical, and if you do all that you can to reassure him, and he still criticizes you, that's not your fault, that's him playing martyr and being unfair. It's a form of power tripping, and you may want to give more specific examples of why he is being negative. If not, I respect your privacy.

 

[Giggly]

I agree with Marm again.