[ISTJ] So there's an ISTJ....

[CheshireCat]

We've been hanging out for a good nine months. We've become oddly romantically involved, though not officially committed. There's too many variables, and uncertainties, and .... I just don't know what the future holds. I have the utmost respect for him, he compels me to better myself, and he feels too good for me (I view that as a good thing)... I asked, and it was stated if I did desire to have a relationship "I guess we could try it." ... is this just a standard gesture? Would this be said to anyone indiscriminately?? Yea, this sounds like a REALLY stupid question, but... I guess my real issue is that I'm not quite able to approach him for emotional support (asking to clarify his position and listening to my problems). I feel like me asking for clarity is pulling my trust for him into question. I don't want him to think I distrust the support he has for me, I'm just... not sure what that support is.. I extract what little I can, and try not to pry... quite frankly, I'm afraid it will be off-putting to him. He's assured me otherwise...

I see him, his limitations, his quiet disposition, how he independently processes his feelings and is seemingly bereft of any emotional life... lol! I kid, I know he his DEEPLY emotional, just... untouchable in some way. It's strange to me, though I view it as a strength. In contrast to his fiercely independent emotional life, I feel quite needy. I feel burdensome opening up about certain issues, yet at the same time I feel the need to proclaim these issues to an audience just to process them- and breathe life into them. It helps lay rest to nagging thoughts and lamentations.

A part of me is marveling over the fact that I found this wonderful man and it's too good to be true. The other part of me is caught up on this catch... that I am going to have to learn to assert myself and my desires as a way to maintain stability within the relationship. I see... that simple gestures would need to be made to reassure me and keep my morale up. I see him adhering to those requirements... and it feels like imposing my will on him...

He is completely worthy of trust. I can just... be close to him and my mind goes silent, and I can be in the moment and appreciate his presence. No words, no pressures, it's wonderful. I want that in my life.... but I fear opening up to him will allow him to grow a distaste for who I am as a person. That he'll be overwhelmed... or put off.

How do you handle people confiding in you? Is it annoying?

Does this sound like a nightmare for an ISTJ??

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Update:

Hey, thank you everyone who took the time to read, and an extra thanks to those who took the time to respond! I did manage to talk to him about the most fundamental thing that had been bothering me, which turned out to not be nearly as much talking as I thought it would be.... And of course his response was completely receptive, and reasonably a little surprised. This has been very beneficial to me to hear all of the input from different perspectives. Any additional comments are welcomed and encouraged Thanks again.

 

[Habba]

My wife is an INFJ and we definately have a similar interactions in our relationship. She's quite often poring all her emotions on me, whereas I rarely show emotional extremes.

As we have three dogs, we spent a lot of time in the woods with the dogs. That's usually the time she vents herself of all emotional stress. I do my best to listen and council. But sincw I rarely deal with extreme emotions, I don't always get why she feels so strongly for some things. But I'll still give her my ears, and it seems to be working. Sometimes I just have to restrain me not to tell her just to "stop stressing about things".

I being a person of logic and her being an embodiment of strong feelings can definately drive us apart sometimes, but as we both recognize our different ways of thinking, it is much easier to trust the other person with their feelings.

We ISTJs are often happy to play by someone else's playbook, if it gets us where we want to be. We are flexible that way as we don't take things too personally.

 

[Thalassa]

He probably loves how considerate you are, but I would say if you have known him for nine months and don't see him as having an emotional life, and can't tell him things...I don't think you know him yet.

I don't think an ISTJ would have a relationship with just anyone, unless he is on the rebound.

I don't personally think it's healthy that you believe he is too good for you. You have bought into whatever Te show he is giving.

You should probably open up to him more if you want a real relationship, but the fact that you don't pry, I am sure he loves that.

Who knows, you may be too emotionally intense for him, but you can't have a relationship or even a real friendship with out him knowing that about you.

From your post I have thus far gathered that each of you only see what the other wants you to believe. But good luck, all you can do is try it, every ISTJ is not exactly the same.

 

[Thalassa]

My wife is an INFJ and we definately have a similar interactions in our relationship. She's quite often poring all her emotions on me, whereas I rarely show emotional extremes.

As we have three dogs, we spent a lot of time in the woods with the dogs. That's usually the time she vents herself of all emotional stress. I do my best to listen and council. But sincw I rarely deal with extreme emotions, I don't always get why she feels so strongly for some things. But I'll still give her my ears, and it seems to be working. Sometimes I just have to restrain me not to tell her just to "stop stressing about things".

I being a person of logic and her being an embodiment of strong feelings can definately drive us apart sometimes, but as we both recognize our different ways of thinking, it is much easier to trust the other person with their feelings.

We ISTJs are often happy to play by someone else's playbook, if it gets us where we want to be. We are flexible that way as we don't take things too personally.

Yeah in my experience ISTJs can be patient and supportive listeners.

 

[Giggly]

Respect will not be enough. You need a two-way emotional connection.

With people who don't show much emotion, you at least need to feel safe enough with them to be able to open up emotionally to them yourself. You don't seem to feel safe with him. You need to explore that with him or something not good will eventually happen.

 

[WALMART]

Hmm. That is a very particular response.

For me, emotions were refreshing, but there is definitely a saturation point. I could not tell you where that is.

 

[CheshireCat]

He probably loves how considerate you are, but I would say if you have known him for nine months and don't see him as having an emotional life, and can't tell him things...I don't think you know him yet.

Let me clarify, that was a joke. I know he is PROFOUNDLY emotional. I've had him contact me in panic mode and I was quite flattered.

I don't personally think it's healthy that you believe he is too good for you. You have bought into whatever Te show he is giving.

Te, that is something I am going to read up on... But This requires more elaboration. My past relationships (grand total of 3) were people whom I felt comfortable around. Though, in exchange for me being comfortable (feeling equal to my partner) I sold myself short. >.> Basically I settled for what I could get thinking that I wouldn't be able to find someone better. So from that perspective, the prospect of viewing someone as "too good" is nice, yet it does reflect a fundamental insecurity that I know not how to resolve at this point. I know the solution is one that a relationship can and will not fix, so I'm not trying to use it to that end... does that make sense?

You should probably open up to him more if you want a real relationship, but the fact that you don't pry, I am sure he loves that.

Who knows, you may be too emotionally intense for him, but you can't have a relationship or even a real friendship with out him knowing that about you.

From your post I have thus far gathered that each of you only see what the other wants you to believe. But good luck, all you can do is try it, every ISTJ is not exactly the same.

Well, we have had hundreds of exchanges not face-to-face, and we both accept that how we portray ourselves face-to-face is quite different than our internal experience. We refer to "mental walls" on occasion, lol.

Thanks for the input

 

[CheshireCat]

Respect will not be enough. You need a two-way emotional connection.

With people who don't show much emotion, you at least need to feel safe enough with them to be able to open up emotionally to them yourself. You don't seem to feel safe with him. You need to explore that with him or something not good will eventually happen.

Yea, I agree. I don't. Thankyou, this logic is empowering.

 

[Habba]

We've been hanging out for a good nine months. We've become oddly romantically involved, though not officially committed.

I do not know the circumstances, but hanging with someone for nine months, and not knowing how deep your feelings go, is not really a good thing.

There's too many variables, and uncertainties, and .... I just don't know what the future holds.

There's only one uncertainty. Does he love you enough? Everything else is just an excuse because you are afraid what if you'll look like a fool. Point of relationship is not to know where it goes. The point is to find it out TOGETHER. The point is that you can tell the other one "Hey, I'm insecure about this thing, can you please help me?".

I have the utmost respect for him, he compels me to better myself, and he feels too good for me (I view that as a good thing)...

If he feels too good for you, is it because you are not good enough person? Do you feel that you are beneath him? Are you making yourself feel that? Is he making you feel that? I advice you to find that out, as you most definately won't be wanting to hang out with anyone who makes you feel insignificant.

I asked, and it was stated if I did desire to have a relationship "I guess we could try it." ... is this just a standard gesture?

One of the vices of an ISTJ is not conveying emotions alongside communication. And one of the vices of an INFJ is to look too much into emotions conveyd. This quite easily leads into situtations where such a miscommunication happens. I've learned that I need to work on my communication skills so that the way I communicate aligns with the message. And it is really difficult. All my life I've used to state things as they are, without adding my own subjective view into it.

I guess my real issue is that I'm not quite able to approach him for emotional support (asking to clarify his position and listening to my problems). I feel like me asking for clarity is pulling my trust for him into question. I don't want him to think I distrust the support he has for me, I'm just... not sure what that support is.. I extract what little I can, and try not to pry... quite frankly, I'm afraid it will be off-putting to him. He's assured me otherwise...

I rarely have to deal with my own emotional outbursts. It is partly because I'm very keen of my own emotions and partly because I don't have high emotional extremes. This can cause me to feel awkward dealing with someone else's outbursting emotions. For example someone crying makes me feel very uncomfortable. Even more so if they are crying for a trivial thing. I'm trying very hard to fight the awkwardness because I still want to help the person in distress. But it's really difficult.

I see him, his limitations, his quiet disposition, how he independently processes his feelings and is seemingly bereft of any emotional life... lol! I kid, I know he his DEEPLY emotional, just... untouchable in some way. It's strange to me, though I view it as a strength.

I almost never take my emotions "out" to process them. I process them strictly internally. It's not because I'm ashamed of them, it's because that way I can process them more efficiently. It's like reading a book. It's much easier and faster when you do it quietly, rather than reading it out loud.

In contrast to his fiercely independent emotional life, I feel quite needy. I feel burdensome opening up about certain issues, yet at the same time I feel the need to proclaim these issues to an audience just to process them- and breathe life into them. It helps lay rest to nagging thoughts and lamentations.

Like I said before, my wife has a tendency to pour all the negative feelings on me while we are out in the woods. But I don't mind, as it's working. She gets to vent herself, and I get to play a part. I mostly give her just soothing words, rather than concrete advices (it seems like she's not even looking for advices... she seems to have a need to figure things out by herself). I don't find it whiny or consider it nagging. I rather see it as her way of dealing with stress. And I'm always pleased to be of service (I'm am a Duty Fulfiller after all).

A part of me is marveling over the fact that I found this wonderful man and it's too good to be true. The other part of me is caught up on this catch... that I am going to have to learn to assert myself and my desires as a way to maintain stability within the relationship. I see... that simple gestures would need to be made to reassure me and keep my morale up. I see him adhering to those requirements... and it feels like imposing my will on him...

ISTJs and INFJs can both be very stubborn. ISTJs just aren't that idealist that they'd care who's will they are carrying out. As long as ISTJ has a place in a bigger picture and feels valued, they are happy.

He is completely worthy of trust. I can just... be close to him and my mind goes silent, and I can be in the moment and appreciate his presence. No words, no pressures, it's wonderful. I want that in my life.... but I fear opening up to him will allow him to grow a distaste for who I am as a person. That he'll be overwhelmed... or put off.

I don't get it why INFJs have such a universal fear of opening up. Every single INFJ I know puts a wall of mystery and secrecy between himself/herself and other people. But they really are normal people. I guess that's what they are most afraid of... being normal people. I mean, I have a phobia that I'll suddenly teleport myself to moon (or really high in the sky) and suffocate (I really feel bit of awkwardness under clear sky and full moon). And I'm the boring type...

How do you handle people confiding in you? Is it annoying?
Does this sound like a nightmare for an ISTJ??

ISTJs are good ears. We talk less and listen more. Si is really great for listening you know. Whatever you say, goes deep into our databases and stays there for many years. You might not know it, but your every word echoes for an eternity in our minds.

 

[skylights]

@CheshireCat, you seem very insecure about sharing yourself. A wonderful thing about ISTJs is that they are very clear. If he says you will not be off-putting to him when you seek his support, then you will not be off-putting to him when you seek his support. If he says he is willing to try a relationship, he is willing to try a relationship. If he didn't mean that, he wouldn't say it.

Different people have different needs and abilities to give. Just because he doesn't deal in the same emotional fluidity as you doesn't mean it is painful and demanding for him to listen to it... My partner isn't very emotional at all, and I am very emotional, and it usually works very well for us. He's always willing to listen and offer his support, though sometimes if there's been a lot then he will want time away from it to recharge. And curiously, emotional support doesn't have to be emotional, if that makes sense. It doesn't require emotional effusion on his part, I mean. The same way you can listen to his emotionality and still process it just fine, and respond back emotionally. It's like you learn to speak 2 languages. You speak to him in Emotion; he responds in Nonemotion. You both understand each other.

 

[CheshireCat]

@ Habba

I very much appreciate your responses. Your perspective is invaluable to me. Many thanks.


@ Skylights

I see what you mean. This is very true.... Thankyou. I'll keep it in my mind that I'm learning a different language

 

[starcatcher]

I asked, and it was stated if I did desire to have a relationship "I guess we could try it." ... is this just a standard gesture?

That sounds like what my internal answer would be if it was someone I could see a relationship growing with, but I wasn't already head over heels with (although how often do ISTJ's really fall head over heels for someone?) Likely if I were to give that answer to a friend expressing a desire for a relationship, it would mean that I had already put a lot of thought into a relationship with that person and had decided that I would be open to the relationship as I could see it working well. I've learned that phrasing it the way your friend did isn't going to be received well, so I probably would try to answer in a way that I think the other person would be more responsive to, as I don't want them to think that I am any less interested in the relationship than they are. I wouldn't read too much into that phrasing though, it's possibly your friend is completely unaware of the way it sounded to you.

ISTJs are good ears. We talk less and listen more. Si is really great for listening you know. Whatever you say, goes deep into our databases and stays there for many years. You might not know it, but your every word echoes for an eternity in our minds.

This. If an ISTJ is bothered by how often you talk about anything, they will do their best to not put themselves in situations where you are able to talk so much. We're not big on putting ourselves in unpleasant social interactions if it can be avoided. If we take the time to listen, it's because we truly care, and we really listen. If an ISTJ cares about the person talking, they remember everything and apply the information appropriately to future interactions with that person.

 

[Cimarron]

That sounds like what my internal answer would be if it was someone I could see a relationship growing with, but I wasn't already head over heels with (although how often do ISTJ's really fall head over heels for someone?) Likely if I were to give that answer to a friend expressing a desire for a relationship, it would mean that I had already put a lot of thought into a relationship with that person and had decided that I would be open to the relationship as I could see it working well. I've learned that phrasing it the way your friend did isn't going to be received well, so I probably would try to answer in a way that I think the other person would be more responsive to, as I don't want them to think that I am any less interested in the relationship than they are. I wouldn't read too much into that phrasing though, it's possibly your friend is completely unaware of the way it sounded to you.



This. If an ISTJ is bothered by how often you talk about anything, they will do their best to not put themselves in situations where you are able to talk so much. We're not big on putting ourselves in unpleasant social interactions if it can be avoided. If we take the time to listen, it's because we truly care, and we really listen. If an ISTJ cares about the person talking, they remember everything and apply the information appropriately to future interactions with that person.

Pretty much agree.

To the OP, one of the most touching things to me, as an ISTJ, is someone I care about opening up to me and trusting me with their dilemma. It is a little uncomfortable to me, but if I care about the person, I realize the importance of their confiding in me, and therefore take it seriously and invest some effort into helping them, strategically and emotionally. Directly proportional to how much they matter to me. And the same is true vice versa--it is a huge deal if I were to ask you for help in a panic mode.

Overall, I'd say go for it. Assume he wants and is ready to have you open up to him, until he proves otherwise. Even if he wants you to open up, he may be overwhelmed at first (has happened to me before), might not immediately sort out how to handle it, but time will tell.