[ISFJ] ISFJs asking someone for something they need/want

[Giggly]

I just can't do this.

I feel paralyzed in fear.

Fear that I am inconveniencing them. Fear that they will think I'm needy, or worse, demanding. Fear that they will say no anyway. Fear that I want more than I deserve.

How do I deal with this?

 

[tinker683]

I had this problem, but had to start asserting my needs as a result of my job. Now I seem to have the opposite problem - I express my needs without regard to their feelings or the situation at hand!

I can't win

 

[Totenkindly]

Welll.....

1. Remember that you have a problem asking for help and that your fears are likely more extensive than realistic. So it is just emotional fear rather than a real cue that you are overstepping bounds. You haven't yet received confirmation that someone thinks you are asking too much, and they haven't been yet given an opportunity to offer that kind of feedback, so you don't know.

2. Relationships are two-ways streets. Not only do you give to others, but others need to be able to invest in you, if it is to be a close bond. So not asking for help will diminish your relationships.

3. Just because you ask someone to do something doesn't mean they are obligated to help. They have the choice and responsibility to say no, if they can't help you for whatever reason. And you need to be okay with that rather than facing it as rejection.

Likewise, do you ever feel compelled to help people just because they ask? How good are you at saying no to things you just can't reasonably give? Maybe you are forgetting about other people's ability to choose for themselves because you yourself tend to over-give even when you can't reasonably give or don't want to give? Just something to examine...


These are the kinds of ideas that help me. I don't know if any would help you, but there they are, I hope something can resonate. All the fears you describe are things I've experienced too, but I basically try to "think" my way through it to get some firm footing.

 

[Riva]

Remember that if you ask you would either; get what you want or utter a few words in-vain.

Simple as that.

 

[Giggly]

Thank you for your thoughts, [MENTION=7]Jennifer[/MENTION] and [MENTION=6164]Riva[/MENTION] . I am contemplating them all.

 

[Unionruler]

Hm i actually gradually learnt to do this sometimes in response to the very many ISFJ profiles online stating in no uncertain terms that it is an ISFJ weakness to suppress their own needs/wants. I tell myself and the other person that I'd rather talk about it now (even if it's stressful/discomforting) than to fight over it in the future. At the risk of sounding like I'm speaking from an entitlement mentality, I'd like to say that I feel it is rarely the case that an ISFJ asks for more than they deserve.