[MBTI General] How can I, as an INFP stop being so annoying?

[KDJ]

My sister is ISFJ, my mom is ESTJ. I annoy the hell out of them, what might I do to stop frustrating them? Now can I be more like them? Is it possible for them to appreciate me, or will I always be the oddball black sheep?

(((P.s. I am asking these questions in the hopes of managing my interactions with them so as to garner a tad bit more respect and understanding. Any suggestions would help)))

 

[Habba]

Stereotypical answer would be to stop being idealist and take a moment to see the pragmatic point of things. Play along with their ideas, if it really isn't that big of a deal. Your sister might be used to just go along with things, and probably finds you just being difficult when you resist. And your mom is probably used to making the calls, and can't stand when people refuse to obey without a solid reason or authority.

For a non-stereotypical answere you'll need to a elaborate little bit why they find you annoying? What kind of conflicts you have with them?

 

[Galena]

Sometimes, it's not what a person does that is annoying, but how sure they feel about what they do. It comes through. In other words, the most annoying thing may be that you are willing to one-sidedly adjust your manner (I assume you mean on a rather everyday scale) to maintain harmony with them. Should they do the same for you? Could they at least respect your differences a little in return? Confidence goes a long way, maybe even longer than it should! People can get away with murder, at least with being different, just by being sure of their place in the world. Talk to them about the problem and what you both can do to help each other, and stand your ground to meet them in the middle. I'm not criticizing, but encouraging and saying that you deserve a more balanced solution to this clash.

I know, wrong forum, but this could apply to anybody.

 

[Epiphany]

You can't. All you can do is stop worrying about annoying other people and be yourself.

 

[EJCC]

For a non-stereotypical answere you'll need to a elaborate little bit why they find you annoying? What kind of conflicts you have with them?

^ This.

I'm not comfortable answering the OP without a few more details. For all we know, the whole situation might not be type-related at all.

 

[Giggly]

You can't. All you can do is stop worrying about annoying other people and be yourself.

This.

 

[KDJ]

.Sometimes, it's not what a person does that is annoying, but how sure they feel about what they do. It comes through. In other words, the most annoying thing may be that you are willing to one-sidedly adjust your manner (I assume you mean on a rather everyday scale) to maintain harmony with them. Should they do the same for you? Could they at least respect your differences a little in return? Confidence goes a long way, maybe even longer than it should! People can get away with murder, at least with being different, just by being sure of their place in the world. Talk to them about the problem and what you both can do to help each other, and stand your ground to meet them in the middle. I'm not criticizing, but encouraging and saying that you deserve a more balanced solution to this clash.

.

Thx Webslinger for this little reality check, it certainly hits home quite a bit. I think the issue between the SJ's in my family and myself has a long and rich history that goes way back and isn't necessarily type related. At the same time, the typology differences have definitely exacerbated it quite a bit. At the moment, I find what I might need to do is accept the differences and leave it at that. I do think at times I may bend too much to meet them half way and lose sight of myself and my own p.o.v. I also have to say I may be guilty of wanting something from them that isn't a reasonable expectation at this time. I wish for them to respect my p.o.v. On matters even though it doesn't measure up to their pragmatism. At the same time, because of our history, I haven't been willing to open up and share much with them so I'm partially at fault as well...

Adding to this is maybe a need to come to an acceptance if things by letting go of some expectations that may be unrealistic. I have to accept maybe they may not understand my point of view. Maybe they might not b able to see it as valid. It could be up to me to take their perspective as it is and consider it as a useful counterpoint to my own and incorporate it as I feel I need. I guess the thing to let go of is a need for validation that they might not be able to fulfill. This issue again may have a history that is related to our familial history but again is also magnified by typology differences....

 

[KDJ]

For a non-stereotypical answer you'll need to a elaborate little bit why they find you annoying? What kind of conflicts you have with them?

As I attempt to answer this question, I'm finding it difficult to elaborate in some way that doesn't involve any long and drawn out explanation of things. For the quick and dirty cliff notes version. It seems I repeatedly annoy them whenever the occasion arrises that I need to express how I feel. If there is a misunderstanding or a poorly handled situation that I found very hurtful I do make a point of bringing it up.

I have the stereotypical history as an INFP of bottling everything up. Growing up, I was a very bullied and depressed child who was very quiet and withdrawn. I didn't know how to express my needs or reactions to them in a way they could understand. I've tried in my adulthood to open up more and speak up to help others make better sense of me. It seems these efforts are met with frustration. they are annoyed by my reactions when I bring them up. They start to immediately engage in a dispassionate review of the facts. The idea they need me to get is that my feelings aren't logical from their point of view. They make it a priority to make me get what they meant by what they said, with the goal that we are on the same page.

This reaction then frustrates me. What I'm wanting them to understand is that I simply wish that they acknowledge my feelings. whether or not they are illogical they are still there. They may not have meant to say/do a hurtful thing that is still the result. I just want some consideration of this fact. I'm needing help communicating my needs in a relationship without frustrating anyone. Thus far I've figured getting my facts straight, being more direct and to the point are a great start. Beyond this, I may need to work thru my feelings first before I discuss things with them...

As a secondary issue I'm not as practical or pragmatic as they are. I've learned to accept they may not get my thought process, but I need to develop a better and more balanced way of accepting/dealing with this. On one hand I accept I may never measure up in their eyes. On the other hand, I need to develop a more confident and effective way of expressing my views on matters regarding issues we don't see eye to eye on....

 

[Siúil a Rúin]

This isn't necessarily an answer, but I found that in complex family relationships, it can be helpful to diffuse tension by giving beautiful gifts, cards with thoughtful notes, and giving compliments. I'm a pretty abstract NF myself, so I learned that giving a concrete gift can go a long way to expressing a simple kindness, and it gives the person something to look at and remember the expression of caring. Also, sincere compliments put people at ease and anything that can be misconstrued as a criticism creates tension. A lot of miscommunication has to do with people thinking they are being criticized. Just some thoughts that may or may not apply.

 

[KDJ]

A lot of miscommunication has to do with people thinking they are being criticized. Just some thoughts that may or may not apply.

I think this observation actually hits the nail on the head. I need to be mindful of how the intentions behind my communicate aren't coming across as I hope...

 

[Galena]

I have the stereotypical history as an INFP of bottling everything up. Growing up, I was a very bullied and depressed child who was very quiet and withdrawn. I didn't know how to express my needs or reactions to them in a way they could understand. I've tried in my adulthood to open up more and speak up to help others make better sense of me.

...but because you spent your formative years being quiet, maybe you're out of practice at speaking up compared to those who have been doing it longer...?

Thanks for the reply.

 

[WALMART]

reroll

 

[Thalassa]

Become angry at them. Understand that you have a right to be heard.

Seriously between this and you timidly asking what the rules were on the forum at a mere 11 posts, I think it might help you to stop bending over backwards for other people.

Does this REALLY make Fi happy? I don't see how it could. By the time I was 17, I wanted to burn the house down with my ESTJ step-monster inside it.

I've never taken well to people bullying me, but you seem to have accepted it as a way of life, like you've agreed to just make yourself smaller so that people won't be mad at you.

I'm not saying you should be like me (maybe you should not, but I promise, I don't really burn houses down) but you may be an enneagram 9 in the grip of anger-denying or something.

I honestly think it might help you to feel a little bit pissed off.

 

[Thalassa]

I should add as an addendum that passive-aggression or anger repression can come across as whiny victimhood IF over-played, so I'm not only giving you a helpful suggestion for your own self-confidence, but it will probably also make you less annoying.

Passive-aggressive people were really big annoyance for me in the recent past. Not as much now as I'm processing my own feelings, it's become more easy for me to tolerate many things, but I can still say that I can empathize with someone being annoyed by excessive passivity. Because it's still anger, and people can sense it. When people can smell repressed anger, sometimes I think it bugs them more than displayed anger.

Your results may vary.

 

[Galena]

Or an e4 in an anger-introjecting grip (not knowing how to be angry at anybody but oneself). +1 on the above advice from someone who has tested it. Things are rarely all one person's problem!

 

[KDJ]

Thx marmotini for the encouragement ... I've tried hard to speak their language and meet them half way. It hasn't worked. What I'm beginning to realize is another path is essential. I've had to lay down a clear bottom line in my family recently regarding this issue with that in mind and am wondering how to proceed from here...

I finally let them know during a recent family visit that things between us need to change. In particular I told them clearly that our interactions will need to follow one clear guideline: When I express what I feel, they need to acknowledge those feelings and take them into consideration. I expounded upon letting them know a "logical discourse" regarding my ill fated reasoning doesn't work without an acknowledgement of what I feel.

I know This might seem obvious to some, but my family also has a culture to it involving a weird notion that emotions are bad. My parents were both doctors who prided themselves on their intellect. With the strong SJ component adding to this from my sister and mother pragmatism and logic together were highly valued as a reaction to life issues. I felt like the black sheep...

With all this in mind At this point, maybe the problem is how I'm looking at it. As I reflect upon what you say I'm struck about a disturbing element to my own thought processes that cause me to inadvertently give my power away. I'm a grown woman, happily married with kids of my own and still hold the black sheep perception in my head...

Thx for the wake up call....

 

[JAVO]

Be each of their types for a day. It's fun!

 

[KDJ]

Be each of their types for a day. It's fun!

Funny! would be hilarious but I'm sure they wouldn't get the joke

 

[KDJ]

I should add as an addendum that passive-aggression or anger repression can come across as whiny victimhood IF over-played.....When people can smell repressed anger, sometimes I think it bugs them more than displayed anger.

Your results may vary.

Great point. I've noticed this in my interactions with them at times.

 

[Azure Flame]

Tell them they piss you off because you're not allowed to be yourself around them ever. Grit your teeth until you're moved the fuck out. Then when you're moved out, friend your parents on facebook, and post cursewords and pornographic images all over your wall then constantly make posts about how free you feel now that you're moved out. Then get your ESFJ 8 uncle to talk at them about how awesome a kid you actually are and why they should be proud. Then tell them they're worthless parents until they start supporting your lifestyle.

Should work for you too.