[MBTI General] ENFP Female + ISTJ male-How to make it work

[stigmatica]

To the OP:

This is just my opinion, but it seems to me that perhaps you two really are not the best of matches. Realize that "making it work" will become a full time job in a long term relationship, and five years from now you may grow tired of just how big that job is. You are enamored with each other it seems, but that's the easy part of a relationship. Becoming enamored with someone will happen with many others many times over in your life, and there are people out there for which "making it work" would be easy for you, I'm certain.

 

[Poki]

It doesn't.


You end up with a very controlling man that must know what you had for lunch that day.

The controlling isnt in the understanding or the knowledge but what they do with that understanding and knowledge I like to know where I stand, but I will not control you or the situation and this is from past personal experience. Your an adult its your job to control yourself not others.

Nothing about STJs, but I got into a discussion with my wife about someone I know very well not sure of type and their controlling nature. We both seemed to agree that they tried to control the situation and others who were close because they couldnt control themselves. It is done to pre-emptively bypass a situation. If you dont want them to control, know their fear and control the situation yourself pre-emptively.

 

[alexx]

O - he knew where he stood - very much so. But lets look at it this way. Would you want someone looking through your call log, asking why your seat was moved in your car or restoring files from a back up hard drive that were deleted to clear up space?

Or perhaps shunning any outside friends you attempted to make and introduce? Being antisocial? Maybe never being open to seeing another side to the story - or even CONSIDERING it? So black and white and decided already.

Logging how many hours you spend on the internet? Wow. Really? (Not my ISTJ - But a friends ISTJ)

It isn't a trust issue, its a control issue - and the "Knowing where I stand" thing to me seems like a copout.

And the best part - when said relationship is over the whole "playing the victim" (when there isn't one) in the whole scheme of things is even more childish, and yet again controlling. Controlling the perception that people have on the relationship when it is a.) None of their damn business and b.) In a way can force you into accepting all blame and shame yourself because you are bad bad bad.

Not worth it.

 

[alexx]

Yet here I am - reading all about ISTJ's - how they think - what makes them tick - in an attempt to communicate with him better.

AND IT HASN'T HELPED!

It gets exhausting.

 

[swordpath]

Alexx,

I haven't been keeping up with the thread but have you tried the alternate route of YOU explaining to him what YOU would need for successful communication? I can be horrible
at it naturally but it helps if i'm directed in a sense, as to know what is beneficial in strengthening communication and understanding. Otherwise, we're left completely to our own methods and quirks, and this area of comm. isn't always our strong suit...

 

[Nonsensical]

ask dave. I'm sure he's woo'd his fair share of lovely ENFP mistresses

 

[alexx]

Alexx,

I haven't been keeping up with the thread but have you tried the alternate route of YOU explaining to him what YOU would need for successful communication? I can be horrible
at it, naturally but it helps if i'm directed in a sense, as to know what is beneficial in strengthening communication and understanding.

Absolutely. I have learned to be more blunt, to be direct (within reason). I've showed him Myers-Briggs, and tried to explain why we have trouble communicating. He just want's things to be the way they were - like it will just fall into place - and that's not going to happen.

I find more and more ENFP-ISTJ relationship issues, perhaps because I pay such close attention now. There is always the exception, however.

Replying to the original poster and any time I see one of these questions come up - I always reply with the "Yeah - been there for 5 years - be careful".

I think what is most irritating is the "Maybe the ISTJ isn't clear on the expectations or where he stands" - never ONCE a "Hey - maybe that ISTJ isn't healthy".

I wonder why that is. And as more and more cases pop up it becomes even more infuriating.

ISTJ's are so good at patterns - well living with one for so long has perhaps sharpened my senses of them as well?

 

[swordpath]

ask dave. I'm sure he's woo'd his fair share of lovely ENFP mistresses

If not, he sure fantasizes about it a lot. Lol cheers: d@ve)

Love ENFPs but they scare the hell out me. The sparks are there in an ISTJ+ENFP relationship, I just think they have a hard time settling down to the boring, unimaginative likes of us.

 

[Tea-Snob]

I agree with the last 3 posts - ISTJs are not that hard to understand perhaps (From a practical standpoint) and gaining an understanding can greatly ease areas of conflict.

In terms of my own relationship experience though it can come down to how willing / able a partner is to accommodate the ISTJs desire to have "everything in it's right place". I dont think ISTJs are control freaks, but it can make the other person feel controlled. Because ISTJs find it frustrating to look at the world through NF tinted glasses, they rarely understand thier own transgressions, hence the perception of themselves as being "The victim" when things do go wrong.

In short then, I believe it can work, but there may be massive compromises along the way and sometimes that can feel utterly life draining.

 

[d@v3]

ask dave. I'm sure he's woo'd his fair share of lovely ENFP mistresses

If not, he sure fantasizes about it a lot. Lol cheers: d@ve)

Love ENFPs but they scare the hell out me. The sparks are there in an ISTJ+ENFP relationship, I just think they have a hard time settling down to the boring, unimaginative likes of us.

Yes, I think the ENFP+ISTJ can work. But like Beat said, the ENFP has a hard time settling down. They want to do what THEY want to do, and it is hard for them to slow down and smell the coffee once in a while with the ISTJ. But the sparks are definitely there...

I think the ISTJ is better off looking for an ESFP if he wants to settle down... nevertheless, ENFP's sure do intrigue my interest!

 

[2XtremeENFP]

It's weird, I find myself as an ENFP that i NEED an ISTJ. Everything about them just balance me out where i know I am lacking.. but I feel like ISTJs dont NEED ENFPs because they are fine with how they are and think they dont need any help.

 

[swordpath]

Sure, we consistently trick ourselves into believing this.

 

[2XtremeENFP]

Sooo deep deep ... waaaayyyy deep down, ISTJs like it when ENFPs try and weasel their way into loosening up an ISTJs life?

 

[d@v3]

As long as the ENFP doesn't try to change me, I wouldn't mind having an ENFP for myself.

But I don't want to feel like I need to change the ENFP either, and the minute I feel like we are trying to change each other, things are going to go downhill from there...

 

[alexx]

But like Beat said, the ENFP has a hard time settling down. They want to do what THEY want to do

And not always what the ISTJ wants them to do.

As long as the ENFP doesn't try to change me, I wouldn't mind having an ENFP for myself.

But I don't want to feel like I need to change the ENFP either, and the minute I feel like we are trying to change each other, things are going to go downhill from there...

Just make sure you keep that ENFP in line there Dave - wouldn't want them thinking for themselves.

 

[Charmed Justice]

I feel like ISTJs dont NEED ENFPs because they are fine with how they are and think they dont need any help.

Why do you feel like you NEED an ISTJ? There is nothing wrong with ENFP preferences, but I get your feeling though.

Anyway, if you feel unnecessary and worthless to an ISTJ(or anyone), take it seriously. It's not a good feeling to have over the longterm.

 

[d@v3]

Alexx that is not true, ENFP's are not minions. ISTJ's do not want them to control.

 

[PeaceBaby]

This is an old thread ... if SPARKles were to come back now, I would love to know what ever did happen in this relationship!
^ Awww we love you just the way you are Dave!

 

[d@v3]

^ Awww we love you just the way you are Dave!

Where did this come from??

 

[PeaceBaby]

I'm not telling. Just like to keep you on your toes!