[ESFJ] What to do when you're upset (ESFJs)

[Xyk]

I have a very close ESFJ friend who is understandably very upset. It's her birthday and her parents, having forgot for the 3rd year in a row, are taking her older brother out for dinner and not taking her along.

I don't know what to do when she gets upset. The things that help me seemed to do the opposite for her. I brought up Camus' interpretation of the myth of sisyphus and how accepting things as inevitable can allow a person to disregard negative circumstances. Absurdism is a comfort to me, but did not help her at all. I suggested fun things to do that might take her mind off of it or release stress (music and art, both of which she has a real talent for), and she refused to try. Unfortunately, I can't go over there to comfort her or distract her in person because I all ready promised my mother that I would cook dinner for the family (and I feel bad about going out every night when I leave for college in a week)

What am I supposed to do when she's upset? What is the appropriate response?

 

[Giggly]

I'm not ESFJ but if you can't go over and spend time with her, then all you can do is keep talking to her about anything in the hopes that it'll distract her. This sometimes works and is worth a shot. Otherwise I'm afraid there's not much else you can do. You can also ask her if there's anything you can do to help.

 

[Thalassa]

Take her out to dinner yourself. My EFSJ friend hated being alone when she was upset like that, she really needed someone to be with her in person.

Talking about absurdism and stuff would either have no effect... or make me mad too. I'm not sure this is the way to comfort a strong feeler.

 

[Haven]

Being sad/mad as an ESFJ is tricky because they are supposed to be the happy ones that make everyone else feel better. I don't really like when people try to cheer me up because it can feel condescending. I mean, if it was that easy to cheer me up, I would've done it already. But then I see how prolonged negative moods can bring everyone else down and I feel like I'm letting them down and that sorta snaps me out of it.

 

[Malice]

Go see her after you make dinner for your fam then, she shouldn't be completely alone on her birthday. When I'm upset I need to bitch, I want someone to listen, and sometimes I even want someone to come over and come rescue me for a bit (like go for a walk, get out of the house). If you can't spare any in person time for her at all, then just keep talking over msn/the phone. She probably needs to feel like someone cares about her feelings right now, and no talking about abstract stuff won't help in the least. Talk about her, listen to her vent, and suggest things maybe you can do *together* sometime soon.

 

[redcheerio]

I have a very close ESFJ friend who is understandably very upset. It's her birthday and her parents, having forgot for the 3rd year in a row, are taking her older brother out for dinner and not taking her along.

I don't know what to do when she gets upset. The things that help me seemed to do the opposite for her. I brought up Camus' interpretation of the myth of sisyphus and how accepting things as inevitable can allow a person to disregard negative circumstances. Absurdism is a comfort to me, but did not help her at all. I suggested fun things to do that might take her mind off of it or release stress (music and art, both of which she has a real talent for), and she refused to try. Unfortunately, I can't go over there to comfort her or distract her in person because I all ready promised my mother that I would cook dinner for the family (and I feel bad about going out every night when I leave for college in a week)

What am I supposed to do when she's upset? What is the appropriate response?

Wow, wtf? Why are they taking her brother and not her, whether it's her birthday or not? I'd be pissed, too, unless there's a reason they usually take him and not her, like maybe she usually prefers going out with friends instead?

The fact that it's her birthday and they forgot for the 3rd year in a row makes it that much more terrible. But having said that, she should have told them it was her birthday instead of staying home and being pissed about it, especially if for some reason they thought she wouldn't have wanted to come anyway (aside from forgetting her bday).

Is it too late for her to remind her family and go with them? If so, is it too late for you to ask your family if either you can take her out, or if she can come over to your place for dinner?

Edit PS - If the whole dinner thing is too late, can you fit a visit in sometime tonight and bring a birthday card and some chocolates or something?

 

[Redbone]

Ha...I used to get all philosophical or present Ti-based solutions to my ex. It backfires horribly.

When our relationship was almost over and done with, I finally learned to put my arm around him and just listen. Or hold his hand, listen, and nod. Like most people, she probably wants to get what she gives others in distress. You could let her know that you hear her, give her some feedback to indicate that you see this is a very painful situation for her and you feel sad for her, too. She'll come to terms with how she feels about this most likely but being an "audience" to her feelings is probably the best thing you can do as a friend.

 

[PeaceBaby]

Would sending flowers or a cookie-gram help? Something unexpected and demonstrative of caring? That's likely what I would do here, aside from listen and commiserate.

Send your friend a hug from me too.