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[ESFJ] My ESFJ is driving me nuts!!

Stu Katz

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Feb 25, 2011
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'sup
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dawg
Im an istp married to an esfj. I read somewhere that this is an ideal coupling (i also read that others are an ideal coupling too). Can you help let me know if you think I`m barking up the wrong tree with her here?

I wanted a relatinoship. When we're together, either we're always sitting, or driving around, or I get to be with her when she's watching TV, grading, or knitting. I don't do much with her at all, except what I can do by myself without being asked for attention every 15 minutes.

If I want to go anyplace, she usually finds a reason to cancel, or feels like sleeping instead. If her friends call, she's out the door. Without me. If I do happen to go, it's all nattering about things I'm not part of. What am I, another stuffed animal?

My role in this marriage seems to be to prop up her mental state, since she's always worrying about failing, and is prone to depressions. She seems to hate intimacy and sex. I love those things. We don't have any activities or interests in common after dating, other than both working at home. It's interminable, I don't think I'm able to support her day and night in every possible situation. How long can this continue?

She's very generous with me with food, gifts, thoughts, phone calls, which I love. Other than what is heavily weighing on my head, I really love her manner, friendliness, charm, ability to empathize, love, like noone I have ever know or even met.

Is this an ESFJ thing that is dooming me, or do I need something different? Help!!!:cry:
 

Domino

ENFJ In Chains
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Welcome to the board :) We'll steer away from type pairings for now, and just get to a few questions, if you will:

How long have you two known each other and how long have you been married?
Has she always been averse to sex/intimacy?
The depressions - has a doctor diagnosed these?
How good is the communication between you two?
 

Pand0ra

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I don't think these things you are concerned about have much to do with personality type. Communication is key, if you don't have this and are resorting to a forum to sort out the problems in your marriage... well... either just speak to your other half to sort these things out or ride out the rough patch and hope things will improve.
 

Stu Katz

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I appreciate all your thoughts and fast responses!!
We communicate very well by anyones' stick.
She's gone for counselling for depression, and Ive known people with depression before - it might be that im just not used to someone so expressive.
she says she doesnt like changes - those changes included getting married and moving into the matrimonial home. i am just at the end of my rope unable to know what to say to her next.

maybe we dont speak the same language anymore, that is what i was asking about on this forum. can that happen with a match like ours?
I am really affected up to my feelings getting in the way of everything - friend relations, work, sleeping, maybe i need advice how to approach her.
 

Pand0ra

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Depression can have a huge impact on a relationship. Only time will tell. I suppose judging by your types it would be very difficult, as although opposites attract the difficulties tend to be larger and more challenging. I'm not the best at advising this stuff... but I hope you sort things out. Just keep the communication to the maximum; in my experience that is key. Wish you the best.
 

Lily flower

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It is possible that she was abused at some time in her life and is having trouble with the greater physical intimacy that marriage brings.
 

Stu Katz

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It's nothing like that. It looks like this is kind of done after the first couple of responses, thanks for telling me what i kind of needed to hear. I'm not any happier, and no more sure of what the future will be like.
 

Giggly

No moss growing on me
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Do you have kids together?
 

Thalassa

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Is there any reason why she hates intimacy and sex? Is this a new development or was she always this way?
 

wolfy

awsm
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12,251
Maybe some of it is the amount of time together. You both work at home and have recently moved in together by the sounds of it. I don't know how much that helps but that is what came to mind reading through.
 

syndatha

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Aug 12, 2009
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Yes, you are a stuffed animal.
If you don't have kids, I would advice you to leave, as I don't see how any of you can get anything out of this.
If you have kids, or otherwise are willing to fight - go to couples counselling - Please :)
Good luck; you seem like a very nice person who really deserves better.
 

skylights

i love
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We don't have any activities or interests in common after dating, other than both working at home

well, why did you get married in the first place? maybe you can use the answer to that question to reconnect some.

overall this sounds like a sucky situation, and i'm sorry you have to go through it. however, if she's not hanging out with you much, and doesn't want sex, then it would seem like she's having some deeper problems.

if change is hard for her, then moving in with you and working in the same house all the time might seem like a lot to her. she might feel a bit suffocated, even. i would just be up front with her about it. ask her why she usually feels like sleeping or what you can do with her that she would enjoy. how you can make it so that she can enjoy sex too. ask her if she'd like to go to couples' counseling.

good luck :yes:
 

Stu Katz

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It's a little funny that this is the SJ forum and there hasn't been a word from an SJ of any kind. I'm guessing this is a sign of disapproval of my handling of the situation? I would really value your thoughts, I'm all out of actions.
I dont think antidepressants to handle an unhappy life is the answer. It seems to create a whole mess of new problems for everyone lol.
 

Giggly

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I'm an SJ and I asked a question up above. I'm a little unclear about the situation you two are in. Are you married but not living together? Do you have kids? It's hard being with someone who is depressed when you are not depressed. It seems like the only thing you can do is try to help her out of her depression. Also, tell her how you are feeling. There's probably more information about this on the internet than I can provide.
 

tayto

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Dec 19, 2010
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Check out socionics. It says that she is your supervisor so I can't see how you could help her. It also says that an enfp is your best match. We are giving and warm just like an esfj but we are able to see the bigger picture and help you to envision the future and make it the best future possible. Also we love sex and intimacy and we are the most understanding and patient of all the types.

When you are alone with a porn or your hand do you only think of her? Yes? No?

My istp only thinks of me, and he's an istp so he don't lie. I'm not anything special but I obviously must be to him. That is duality. Check it out, you wont be sorry, I promise. After 5/6 years together I think that is a pretty good indicator of whether or not he is satisfied.
 

tinker683

Whackus Bonkus
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It's a little funny that this is the SJ forum and there hasn't been a word from an SJ of any kind. I'm guessing this is a sign of disapproval of my handling of the situation? I would really value your thoughts, I'm all out of actions.
I dont think antidepressants to handle an unhappy life is the answer. It seems to create a whole mess of new problems for everyone lol.

As Giggly stated, there isn't a lot of information to work with here. I'm curious about the following:

How did you two meet? How long did you date? Was she always this way or is this a recent development? Do you have kids? Are you living together? Are you having financial problems?

From what little you've provided, as an SFJ myself (though I'm a guy so I don't know how much that might shew the results) but I know that if I were to ever to be in here situation then that would mean that there are serious underlying problems that I need to address and until I address those issues, my marriage is going to suffer.

In the meantime, just talk to her or even just talk at her if need be but try and let her know that you are willing to listen to whatever is on her mind. This may result you in getting inundated with her emotions and I realize that might overwhelm you but just take a couple of deep breaths and let her say what she needs to say. If you do need to respond, just try to remind her of what a strong and amazing person she is. I have the distinct feeling she has a very low self-esteem so these are words she needs to hear.

She also needs to see a psychiatrist or psycho-therapist. I went through a severe depression myself 10 years or so ago and there was a lot of work that I needed to do by myself for myself. The question you need to ask yourself is how much do you love this woman and how committed are you to standing next to her? I ask because I promise...it's going to get worse before it gets better :(

Take care! I hope things work out
 

Malice

Boldly Gone
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ESFJ woman responding.

Depression does have a huge impact on a relationship, I know this because I am depressed, diagnosed but unmedicated. Honestly the description of your situation is really too brief for me to really feel like I have a handle on the situation well enough to give sound advice. To me it appears like your ESFJ is lacking something emotionally in regards to you, so much so that she's settled into a companionship and potentially lost the spark that makes her want to share any sort of romance and intimacy with you.

In the past, when I've stopped "feeling fuzzy" towards the other person, my level of romance/passion/desire to be near my significant other has lessened greatly but my internal sense of 'duty' to them has never wavered. What you end up with is woman who is loyal, but unhappy. Sort of like where you have the outer shell of a wife that cooks, cleans, takes care of what needs to be taken care of but without the underlying warmth that makes any of these things feel 'right'. Depression may play a part of it, but it sounds more like hurt to me. Something may have happened that she can't get over, perhaps even made her regret her decision to be with you, that makes her more content to sit and knit than go out and spend more time with you than necessary. I feel sad for her actually, it reads like she feels trapped. Maybe she's waiting for you to step it up or end it?

I agree with everyone else in saying that communication is key, that if you don't sit her down and be open (but non-accusational) with your feelings that you may have lost her. Counseling is also an option. I sympathize that you're at the end of your rope, but it kind of sounds like on some level you've already made up your mind too. I hope that both of you can have an open/honest sit down and put all your cards on the table. Good luck.
 
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