[ESFJ] I can not relate to ESFJs

[rav3n]

Incidentally this works well with ISFJs too.

Just saying....

Did I ever tell you that's an uber cool hat in your profile picture? For that matter, nice suit!

Is it working?

 

[tinker683]

Did I ever tell you that's an uber cool hat in your profile picture? For that matter, nice suit!

Is it working?

You are actually the 4th person to point that out to me and I always chuckle because the hat is actually from Wal-Mart of all places o_0

Yes, it's working beautifully my dear

 

[Litvyak]

so talk to her, tell her what I want without being offensive?

What about "I'm not in the mood to talk about x, let's talk about z instead" with a smile and positive tonality?
People tend to overcomplicate their lives to generate proxy-problems. Just be honest and accepting. If she doesn't want to talk about stuff you like, you shouldn't force it, but you don't have to listen to topics you find uninteresting, your time and attention is too valuable. Feel free to simply chill out.

 

[guesswho]

Just because their type isn't interesting, it doesn't mean that they can't be interesting and uncommon.

 

[prplchknz]

I actually never said they couldn't be unintersting or uncommon. I said my experiences with them have been as such and I do think we bore each other to tears. Lock us in a room together and well the result won't be nice. Maybe I've only ever known unhealthy ESFJs. I don't know why I still feel the need to defend my intentions, or what I actually meant. Hell I don't know why I'm still posting in this thread, I've gotten the advice I've wanted.

 

[proteanmix]

Just backtracking over this thread, I don't think Giggly was being defensive. The only actionable item I see in the OP is:

how do I relate to someone I have barely anything in common with?

to which Giggly gave three suggestions. prpl, you said you don't find ESFJs offensive but you do find them boring and uninteresting, Giggly's suggestions are still applicable. Jennifer nicely expounded up them, but it's not like they weren't put out there to begin with. The startling fact of the world is your won't have anything in common with most people. Most people are thrown into situations together and make the best of what they have. They do that by learning about the other person, building common interests or at least tolerating each other's interests enough so the world doesn't break apart. Think of a Venn Diagram. There usually is a very small area of where people overlap and it's often difficult to find.

http://www.kkboss.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/12/venn_diagram.png

I understand you live with this person so the relationship is not something you can just turn off at the end of the day. I don't know what realizations your roommate has come to about yalls relationship, but if there's no bond, there's no bond. You don't need to be besties, but you do need to be respectful, polite and do your part to keep common areas clean. I assume this is happening already. You say you have a tendency to piss her off...what about? And prpl, let's get real, knowing how you can be on the forum I wouldn't be surprised if some of that manifested itself IRL and it can be grating. If some of the threads you've started are examples of things you like to talk about, I can't say I'd be interested in talking about those so it's probably no loss on anyone's part.

Now for my personal opinion: possibly being an ESFJ myself I think some of the replies in this thread are BS. ESFJs basically like fluff is my interpretation. There are infinite subjects and topics of interesting in this world. People only know to talk about what's in their domain of knowledge to talk about. You can expand their domain (and expand yours) or briefly visit their's and they'll visit yours and that needs both people being invested in building the relationship. If you think the person is boring and uninteresting to begin with, I'd say you need to change how you conceive of that person. Maybe you'll start seeing some changes in your attitude towards them, which affects your behavior and in turn will change their conceptions of you and how they act towards you.

 

[prplchknz]

actually I very rarely talk about what I want in real life.

 

[proteanmix]

actually I very rarely talk about what I want in real life.

I suppose you're responding to my post. What part?

And if you don't, how do you expect someone to be able to find something you find interesting?

 

[prplchknz]

the middle paragraph towards. the end. And the fact that you said you find the stuff I want to talk about boring proves my point that some ESFJs have the tendecy to find me boring and uniteresting aswell. I'm really not trying to be like ESFJs suck, yeah sometimes you piss me off, but overall I like you. And I think that's always going to be problem with me and ESFJs, I want to learn to appreciate them, but it's hard when I have piss poor Fe and piss poor Si but their might be another reason. I know I have both Fe and Si I just don't use it to the same capacity as an ESFJ, and maybe if I develop those functions I'll be able to relate to the type better.

 

[Giggly]

actually I very rarely talk about what I want in real life.

I think there's a strong indication that she does want to know what interests you, given the fact she talks to you so much. Believe it or not, extraverts talk to people because they are interested in getting to know them.

I'd also like to add that when a person is trying to get to know someone who refuses to talk to them, it makes them talk about stupid stuff (i.e. fluff and nonsense) in an effort to keep things engaged yet "safe". Everyone does this whether they realize it or not.

 

[proteanmix]

the middle paragraph towards. the end. And the fact that you said you find the stuff I want to talk about boring proves my point that some ESFJs have the tendecy to find me boring and uniteresting aswell. I'm really not trying to be like ESFJs suck, yeah sometimes you piss me off, but overall I like you. And I think that's always going to be problem with me and ESFJs, I want to learn to appreciate them, but it's hard when I have piss poor Fe and piss poor Si but their might be another reason. I know I have both Fe and Si I just don't use it to the same capacity as an ESFJ, and maybe if I develop those functions I'll be able to relate to the type better.

prpl, re-read what I said. How did you go from "If some of the threads you've started are examples of things you like to talk about, I can't say I'd be interested in talking about those so it's probably no loss on anyone's part." to "the fact that you said you find the stuff I want to talk about boring proves my point that some ESFJs have the tendecy to find me boring and uniteresting aswell." To me you just increased some to all and walk away with the wrong impression. No point was proven.

I don't think that's it that you have pisspoor Fe & Si, it's that you're interpreting things that aren't being said and not getting clarification for your understanding.

 

[iwakar]

Don't get me wrong I like them, I just have a hard time relating to them. It's like what they want to talk about and what I want to talk about are very different things, and I think we bore each other. And we both end up being offended for different reasons, it's like how do I relate to someone I have barely anything in common with? Also what types do you find in general having a hard time relating to?

I have a hard time relating to my mother as well. Some of the things we have in common are 1) love of food/cooking, 2) Jane Austen, 3) Pre-20th Century period films, and 4) certain comic t.v. shows like The Office and the I.T. Crowd.

In general I try to find the common ground with people I don't gel much with and however narrow, stick to it for as long as I can manage before finding better company.

Unless... I'm actually up for an argument. Sometimes, it happens.

 

[skylights]

hey prpl something that occurred to me last night when talking with my mom was that i get the impression that with some Fe users, esp Fe dom, they hesitate to really open up about what's really important to them unless you kind of encourage them to - they have this extra politeness, a sense of non-intrusiveness - so they'll kind of skim the surface and talk about less deeply interesting things until they feel it's invited to delve more - like they seem to wait until you're sort of on the same page together and you indicate that you're ready to deepen the subjects too. maybe asking her about some stuff in her past might encourage her to speak more freely, and it could dig up topics that are more interesting to both of you.

i think i sort of had this idea in mind when i posted last time, sorry if it might seem a little repetitive but i figured i'd tack it on anyway - i think also it could be easier with introvert/extravert combo to have periods of talking where you're both very engaged and then periods of downtime when you're together but not necessarily talking much - that way she'll know you like her even if you are a little off-putting to her sometimes and you can establish a little rapport, but you don't have to be engaged all the time? the Fe doms in my life all seem to appreciate a good deal of quiet time themselves, it's just not as much of a "default" state around others as with introverts.

last idea, if you haven't already you might could acknowledge to her that you tend to say some blunt/harsh things sometimes, and you realize that, and you're sorry if you offend her accidentally but you're working on it

 

[Vie]

I have yet to have an all-positive relationship with an ESFJ...generally, I find them okay at first to be around but as time goes on (and our relationship deepens), I find myself often irritated and confused at the choices they make. My step mother will also do that when she buys things, showing me each piece and how much she got it for. *sigh*

My ESFJ was a freaking nutcase. I think she had psychological issues, but I just confronted her head on about her nonsense. She was very particular about the way things would be done and if things didn't go her way, shit would hit the fan. She moved out at semester because we wouldn't leave her alone with her hypocrisy.
Not saying that all ESFJs are like this as the three I've known all did have psychological problems so that was it more than their underlying personality...but it did kind of put me off. :\

 

[JoSunshine]

One of my closest friends (of 16 years) and my sister (whom I am very close to) are ESFJs and the former love of my life was also an ESFJ. I definitely don't find them boring and we talk about deep issues all the time as long as it is people related. It's hard to remember back to when we were first developing close relationships, but I am pretty sure I opened the door to those kinds of conversations.

I will say this, there ain't nothing quite like a pissed of ESFJ so I have had to learn how to talk to them and my friend still gets really mad at me at least once a month. This is how I see things, ESFJs are insanely perfectionistic. And their ideas of what "perfect" is is based on their value system, so it is hard to predict what might violate their values and cause a melt-down. They hold themselves to impossible standards as well. Their need to be "perfect" makes them highly sensitive to criticism. I have learned that it is very important to use the word "you" as little as possible when talking to them about an issue and instead make "I" statements. "You" (accusatory, critical statements) will earn you an ass-whooping.

 

[Glycerine]

Be open, engage the conversation, and it will usually get some interesting turns..... I used to struggle w/ potential "ESXJs" (they still judge me in a condescending manner), but once the differences aren't focused on much, they are just like anyone else.... they want to be heard.

 

[Giggly]

I have some ESFJs friends and family that I struggle with, but I don't have any problems relating to them. I just let them talk about and do whatever they want and really get into their world when I am with them. It's actually quite enjoyable once you stop fighting it. ESFJs are really fun to be around and I find myself wanting to plan more things with them. I do wish they were a little more[truly] interested and accepting of me and my world but I don't expect that of them, really. It's never gone well when I've tried and they are happy enough with how things are. I just take breaks and go off by myself often. It's taken a while for them to not take that personally or think I'm weird but they eventually accepted it, once they realized that I still love and value them.

 

[Glycerine]

I have some ESFJs friends and family that I struggle with, but I don't have any problems relating to them. I just let them talk about and do whatever they want and really get into their world when I am with them. It's actually quite enjoyable once you stop fighting it. ESFJs are really fun to be around and I find myself wanting to plan more things with them. I do wish they were a little more[truly] interested and accepting of me and my world but I don't expect that of them, really. It's never gone well when I've tried and they are happy enough with how things are. I just take breaks and go off by myself often. It's taken a while for them to not take that personally or think I'm weird but they eventually accepted it, once they realized that I still love and value them.

I have learned as time has gone on that SO MANY people want that but get dismissed by others. My INFP mother wants that so much from my ESFJ father but she sometimes fails to see that that is what my father wants also.... I feel bad for dad because of it.

 

[Giggly]

I have learned as time as gone on that SO MANY people want that but get dismissed by others. My INFP mother wants that so much from my ESFJ father but she sometimes fails to see that that is what my father wants also.... I feel bad for dad because of it.

Yep. My ESFJ mother and ISTJ father are just like your parents. I feel bad for my dad too. I think when I was 10, I was my Dad's best confidant. Really sad. My mom is getting better with it as they grow older and my Dad is less tolerant of it. I try to be cognizant of this in my own relationships, because I can fall into the self-absorption trap too, especially if I'm with another accommodating introvert. I like introverts so much though so I really try to be aware of it and avoid it. Thankfully, I'm naturally insatiably curious about people so it comes easily. What's a bigger problem for me is getting to the introvert who is very hard to get to know or refuses to let you get to know them, which I have/can sometimes be guilty of doing myself.

 

[skylights]

I do wish they were a little more[truly] interested and accepting of me and my world but I don't expect that of them, really. It's never gone well when I've tried and they are happy enough with how things are.

I have learned as time has gone on that SO MANY people want that but get dismissed by others. My INFP mother wants that so much from my ESFJ father but she sometimes fails to see that that is what my father wants also.... I feel bad for dad because of it.

I try to be cognizant of this in my own relationships, because I can fall into the self-absorption trap too

it's what we all want, isn't it... for people to understand us and accept us... but we can't see that we're not doing the same thing for them because we interpret things within our own perspectives...

it's why i like the MBTI so much. gives me a groundwork for looking outside my own perspective