[ESFJ] ESFJ Moms

[eternal recurrence]

I'm really interested in better understanding ESFJ moms.
Maybe mothers can list what they feel is most important about motherhood/their experiences of it.
Perhaps children of ESFJ moms can talk about their mother's traits.
Or maybe someone has an ESFJ inlaw they want to gripe about

 

[InvisibleJim]

The one thing I find difficult about my ESFJ mum... it's not the emotionality (they understand fine well I'm not outwardly emotional). We also broadly find we agree on matters of rationality, be those F or T.

It's the sensory addiction.

My god, must I really hear about every item you bought from the supermarket today and it's potential uses?

 

[Totenkindly]

I always thought the mom in Sixth Sense was one classic example of the more extraverted ESFJ mom -- just fierce protection and guardian of her son (potentially at times bullying others, although she always viewed it as taking care of her child), and even when she was angry with him and/or had issues, her love and commitment never wavered. Lots of sweetness there too, like when they played the "what did you do today" game? She resembled in many ways one of my ESFJ coworkers, who was also a mom.

 

[skylights]

my mom is a definite ESFJ !

i have lots of very positive things to say about her... let's see - she's a teacher, and she is awesome with kids. she always knows the right thing to do to make them smile. she is probably the most consistently hardworking person i am close to, in terms of she stays generally busy from 6 am to 9 pm. somehow the bowels of the internet are not appealing to her, and she doesn't get lost in idle projects like her husband and kids (we're all NPs). she has an amazing gift for communication... i think she could get just about anyone to do anything for her, if she wanted, but she doesn't abuse it. she's always on time and she's excellent with numbers. she's very responsible overall.

as a mom, she was my best friend when i was little. she was teaching me to read words when i was only 3 and 4, and i remember spending lots of time playing with her in the backyard while she taught me things. i loved it. she's definitely nurturing and protective. as a child i always was ahead of the game at school thanks to her, and when i got really sick she would fight tooth and nail for me to get the best care possible. she's always been my biggest advocate, and never during my childhood did i feel unloved or unwanted. i know that she sacrifices tons of her free time for the sake of keeping the family running... love my INTP dad though i do, he can be sort of spacey about the practicalities. so mom pretty much runs everything. i owe her a ton in terms of being a relatively well-functioning NFP - i'm fairly practical and socially adept. i fear that if my mom hadn't been the one to raise me, i may have turned out much more socially awkward and much less capable practically. it's thanks to her that i transitioned easily to being independent.

at the same time, as i've gotten older, sometimes her care feels a little too protective... i get frustrated with her occasionally because sometimes she'll want to help me, even though it's really just easiest for me to do things myself - but she'll feel rejected and get upset if i don't want her help. and to be fair, i think her biggest problem with me is that i get really absorbed in things like the internet or projects and am not on time or don't take care of day-to-day responsibilities, which ends up totally inconveniencing her if she's counting on me.

we bond well over pretty much everything besides that... our hobbies don't always overlap, but we usually enjoy just doing day-to-day stuff together. and we're really good travelling companions, which i think is awesome.

i mean, we squabble and all sometimes, but as far as moms go, i really can't picture having a better one

 

[eternal recurrence]

Thanks for the replies!

It got me thinkin that maybe work is an important element of life for an ESFJ.
Of course, for most work is an important part of life (providing structure/identity/purpose etc), but maybe a full-time job is needed by some more than others.

What I wonder is - how would an ESFJ feel about not working (this does not mean sitting on a couch all day, but more so about not having a 8 hour/day 40 hour/week structured job to attend to). On a scale of 1-10, does that sound horrible (1) or ideal (10)?

Self-employment is another possible response.

Other types responses would be good also for comparison.
I'll say personally I'd respond with a 8.

 

[southern_lawyer]

my mom is a definite ESFJ !

i have lots of very positive things to say about her... let's see - she's a teacher, and she is awesome with kids. she always knows the right thing to do to make them smile. she is probably the most consistently hardworking person i am close to, in terms of she stays generally busy from 6 am to 9 pm. somehow the bowels of the internet are not appealing to her, and she doesn't get lost in idle projects like her husband and kids (we're all NPs). she has an amazing gift for communication... i think she could get just about anyone to do anything for her, if she wanted, but she doesn't abuse it. she's always on time and she's excellent with numbers. she's very responsible overall.

as a mom, she was my best friend when i was little. she was teaching me to read words when i was only 3 and 4, and i remember spending lots of time playing with her in the backyard while she taught me things. i loved it. she's definitely nurturing and protective. as a child i always was ahead of the game at school thanks to her, and when i got really sick she would fight tooth and nail for me to get the best care possible. she's always been my biggest advocate, and never during my childhood did i feel unloved or unwanted. i know that she sacrifices tons of her free time for the sake of keeping the family running... love my INTP dad though i do, he can be sort of spacey about the practicalities. so mom pretty much runs everything. i owe her a ton in terms of being a relatively well-functioning NFP - i'm fairly practical and socially adept. i fear that if my mom hadn't been the one to raise me, i may have turned out much more socially awkward and much less capable practically. it's thanks to her that i transitioned easily to being independent.

at the same time, as i've gotten older, sometimes her care feels a little too protective... i get frustrated with her occasionally because sometimes she'll want to help me, even though it's really just easiest for me to do things myself - but she'll feel rejected and get upset if i don't want her help. and to be fair, i think her biggest problem with me is that i get really absorbed in things like the internet or projects and am not on time or don't take care of day-to-day responsibilities, which ends up totally inconveniencing her if she's counting on me.

we bond well over pretty much everything besides that... our hobbies don't always overlap, but we usually enjoy just doing day-to-day stuff together. and we're really good travelling companions, which i think is awesome.

i mean, we squabble and all sometimes, but as far as moms go, i really can't picture having a better one

This reminds me so much of my Grandmother who is an ESFJ. This is stereotypical, but she is the perfect homemaker. She is so good with kids, too. At 82, she is still involved with a literacy program at an inner-city school where she helps kids read. In addition, she also teaches kids life lessons that their parents don't, such as saying please and thank you, and "sir" and "ma'am." Growing up, I loved going to visit her, and would often times take friends with me who loved her as well. She was so good at planning things. Any time I would go visit with friends, the first thing we would do is she would sit down with us and make a grocery list. She would ask what kind of cereal, sandwiches, etc. we liked. My Grandfather died at 59, so being a pretty young widow, she always had "beaus." She lives in a large city, and in junior high, friends and I would go stay with her during the summer and she would carry us to a different golf course to play every day we were there! She is so good at organizing things and planning and would find out from men she knew where to play. She has very strong ideas of what is right and wrong and gets frustrated with people that don't see things her way, me being one of those people, ha. She's very liberal, but also very traditional. She always has her house decorated corresponding with the season. I'm an ESFJ myself, which may explain why she and I have always had such a connection. She and I have very different views on religion and politics and argue a lot, but she has told me that I am the closest grandchild to her relationally. Also, when you mentioned your Mom being your biggest advocate that right away made me think of my Grandmother. My Dad is her only son and takes being "biggest advocate" to an extreme. He can do not wrong. However, she did often get frustrated with him when he would go against what she views to be the "grain." He's an INTJ. They are on very different wavelengths!

My secretary is also an ESFJ and she is awesome. She has known me my whole life, too. Last week on my birthday she brought a cake and cokes to the office and we had a little party that she put together. She also invited some other people from other law offices in town. I can tell that she gets very anxious when she is not busy. I'm the same way. Being an ESFJ, I have a hard time delegating duties and find myself doing a lot on my own. Things that she is perfectly capable of handling. I fear she wonders why I am not delegating enough to her. I am still a young lawyer and learning so much myself, so hopefully as the years progress we will find the right medium regarding office procedure and delegating, etc. I can tell she wants to be more involved with my cases and know where we are.

 

[southern_lawyer]

Thanks for the replies!

It got me thinkin that maybe work is an important element of life for an ESFJ.
Of course, for most work is an important part of life (providing structure/identity/purpose etc), but maybe a full-time job is needed by some more than others.

What I wonder is - how would an ESFJ feel about not working (this does not mean sitting on a couch all day, but more so about not having a 8 hour/day 40 hour/week structured job to attend to). On a scale of 1-10, does that sound horrible (1) or ideal (10)?

Self-employment is another possible response.

Other types responses would be good also for comparison.
I'll say personally I'd respond with a 8.

I'm not a ESFJ mother, but am just a male ESFJ, but I suppose I would answer a 6 or 7. I get very anxious without structure. I guess to me, a work schedule means there is productivity. I am self-employed, but I naturally impose a work schedule on myself. I get anxious during the day if I am not being productive or am having to do something that is not making money or productive. I would consider myself a workaholic, but I also love my job. I've never been able to just relax as there is always something that can be worked on. For me it's not so much having set schedule, but rather just being productive at all times.

 

[southern_lawyer]

my mom is a definite ESFJ !

she is probably the most consistently hardworking person i am close to, in terms of she stays generally busy from 6 am to 9 pm. somehow the bowels of the internet are not appealing to her, and she doesn't get lost in idle projects like her husband and kids (we're all NPs). she has an amazing gift for communication...

I'm the same way about the internet. I'll get interested in this, but then I'll go months without logging in here. I use the internet for very little, mainly e-mail, legal research, and sports. My 60 year old Dad is more technologically apt than me.

 

[skylights]

^ lol it's a gift in a lot of ways, to not be sucked in... anyway your grandmother sounds wonderful!

also two quick additions to the thread...

1. my mom was awesome today when i had a bit of a freak-out and she just sat with me for a while and was supportive to help cheer me up. she totally put off being productive just to sit with me.

2. mom actually doesn't have a very structured job. it's a specialized position. she usually works about 8:30-4, but she's always on the go and her schedule changes frequently. she loves that she gets to move around and would not want a desk job. she is much too energetic for that.

 

[Redbone]

My mother was an ESFJ. She never understood or accepted me. It hurt...really bad especially when I was little because like most children, I was crazy about my mother. It seemed like the "oughts" and "shoulds" mattered more than accepting her children.

I have several ESFJ relatives. I try to avoid them at all costs.

 

[southern_lawyer]

My mother was an ESFJ. She never understood or accepted me. It hurt...really bad especially when I was little because like most children, I was crazy about my mother. It seemed like the "oughts" and "shoulds" mattered more than accepting her children.

I have several ESFJ relatives. I try to avoid them at all costs.

I know my Grandmother and her three daughters have all clashed at times. They and my Dad had very liberal parents (for the 1950s-60s) and were encouraged to be themselves, whatever it might be, but my Grandmother's "oughts" and "shoulds" have helped cause a lot of tension through the years. She was never held back from expressing it if she disapproved of something they did, or something they wore. She and her daughters all just have very different personalities and it's been fun to watch them all interact growing up. Ironically, two of my aunts are therapists! One of my Aunts sounds like you in that she so desparately wants to please my Grandmother but she can't figure out what my Grandmother wants from her. She's an ENTJ. I know they have gone periods of time without speaking.

 

[Redbone]

^This sounds all too familiar. My oldest sister is ENTJ and my mother would just be horrified over her. Very vocal about it, too. Her disapproval over me was a lot more subtle but no less intense. If she would have known about MBTI, she would have wondered why was she cursed with ENTJ and INTP daughters.

 

[eternal recurrence]

i'm having to mix with an esfj mom a lot lately and ... things are not working so well. Ought and should are words that need long justifications for me. you know the 'why? why? why?' person - that a part of my personality is definitely not helpin this situation
My strategy so far as been to just be agreeable at all times - the problem is no relationship is being built from my pure conformism.

 

[skylights]

^ what kind of problems are you running into? like what kind of situations?

one thought i have is that you can try to balance a little more - ask whys for the "shoulds" when it seems like a REALLY important issue, but don't worry about it if it's less important.