Malice, I can answer a little of this from my ESFJ ex's POV and of course, mine.
He disliked my independence a great deal. He enjoyed being needed and doing things for me. INTPs don't do well with that at all. They'd rather struggle to do something alone rather than ask for help. He hated that. He was always ready to jump in and would be hurt when I told him I didn't need his help. He never understood how important my independence was to me and took it quite personally. He also couldn't see how his 'help' was something that made him feel good and was not necessarily for me.
He really hated that when he came to me with an issue, I'd attack it with Ti. I really hated it that when I came to him with an issue, he'd reach out with Fe. Sometimes it would take us hours to plow through a problem or issue because both of us would be desperately trying to reach the other in a way that the other is weakest at. It created a huge amount of misunderstanding.
He hated that I wasn't cuddly, very feminine, or emotionally demonstrative. I would and could be but not on a level he considered 'normal'. He had a lot of 'oughts' and 'shoulds' and when I didn't fit into these, he passed judgment on me.
He disliked the fact that social events, crowds, and gatherings caused me a great deal of stress and energy. He read this as, 'not wanting to be with him'. I did go places with him but he was unhappy that I didn't enjoy it like he did, that I wasn't as enthusiastic as he was about it, and that I didn't consider this a great way to spend time.
He got tired of me pointing out when there was a problem or something wrong. To me, I brought it up because I wanted to solve it. To him, it was a personal attack.
If you get into a relationship with an INTP, you need to discard this and take them as is. We're straightforward. We don't have hidden agendas or motives. If we like you, we just do and don't see the need to keep telling you this. We feel like our presence in your life speaks for itself. Don't expect an INTP to 'know' what you want. You have to tell them, be direct and brief. When we love someone, we usually want to please them but love gives no one the power of telepathy. My ex never told me what he wanted, he felt like if I loved him, I should just know and that if he had to tell me, it wouldn't be from the heart. That's not so, because if I didn't want to do it at all, I'd never ask, and if told, I'd tell you that I wasn't going to do it. We don't do stuff just to 'please' people--we do it because we really want to.
The good stuff? Oh, yes. When things are good, they are great! My ex has a terrific sense of humor. We were able to and still can make each other laugh. I loved how he was able to be organized and accomplish tasks. Hell--the man was fun to be with. He loved the fact that he could depend on me--that if he left something in my hands, I would do a good job. He loved my curiosity and how I loved to try new things. He also loved my problem solving ability (well...not all the time).
Okay...I'm taking too long here. In a nutshell, is it doable? Yes, but both of you are going to struggle to communicate. It's going to be hard as hell, too, make no mistake about it. You both are capable of putting barbs in the other's weak side and it is not pretty. The ESFJ is going to have to accept and deal with the fact that they cannot change the INTP and that this person is a logical, analytic, and cool person. The INTP is going to have to deal with the fact that the ESFJ is a warm, personable, organized, and emotional creature and not belittle or put them down because of that. That's going to be really hard. I mean, reaaaaaallly hard.
If you do it, good luck. You will need it.
