• You are currently viewing our forum as a guest, which gives you limited access to view most discussions and access our other features. By joining our free community, you will have access to additional post topics, communicate privately with other members (PM), view blogs, respond to polls, upload content, and access many other special features. Registration is fast, simple and absolutely free, so please join our community today! Just click here to register. You should turn your Ad Blocker off for this site or certain features may not work properly. If you have any problems with the registration process or your account login, please contact us by clicking here.

[ISFJ] male ISFJ and apologies

amazingdatagirl

New member
Joined
Aug 3, 2010
Messages
95
MBTI Type
INTP
Enneagram
6w5
My husband is an ISFJ - scoutmaster, sunday school teacher, state employee, Republican. Will tolerate groups but prefers one-on-one interactions.

I am confused by profiles of ISFJs that describe them as being apologetic. My husband never apologizes for anything. He tends to blame others for personal failures.

I am open to possibility that I may have mistyped him.
 

KarenParker

New member
Joined
Mar 3, 2009
Messages
319
MBTI Type
ESFP
Enneagram
7
My husband is an ISFJ - scoutmaster, sunday school teacher, state employee, Republican. Will tolerate groups but prefers one-on-one interactions.

I am confused by profiles of ISFJs that describe them as being apologetic. My husband never apologizes for anything. He tends to blame others for personal failures.

I am open to possibility that I may have mistyped him.

I don't know of an ISFJ that apologizes either. And most of the ones I know do tend to blame others for things but I think they secretly know deep down inside what the truth is because they are very insightful.

Your husband definitely sounds SJ to me.
 

ehastin1

New member
Joined
Jul 27, 2008
Messages
33
MBTI Type
ISFJ
I don't know of an ISFJ that apologizes either. And most of the ones I know do tend to blame others for things but I think they secretly know deep down inside what the truth is because they are very insightful.

yes! well atleast for me. if there is a situation where i am to blame then i usually know i am at fault. I get very introspective and will think about the situation for a long time and most people will not even know it. i think isfjs actually blame themselves for more than they actually should even if we never show it....or could just be me lol
 

Snow Turtle

New member
Joined
May 28, 2007
Messages
1,335
My husband is an ISFJ - scoutmaster, sunday school teacher, state employee, Republican. Will tolerate groups but prefers one-on-one interactions.

I am confused by profiles of ISFJs that describe them as being apologetic. My husband never apologizes for anything. He tends to blame others for personal failures.

I am open to possibility that I may have mistyped him.

To me that just suggest that he has a high level of self-esteem.

Granted, it's totally possible that he's some sort of enneagram 1 ISFJ as they tend to believe what they are doing is the truth, in a crusader sort of way. So people will be the one at fault instead if they don't follow what he believes would have been a better method.

Alternatively it could be that he's perfectly healthy, accept that he has his own flaws but believes in the concept that everyone is responsible for their own actions. I mean as long as he's not shifting personal blame onto external factors like "Oh that person was in the wrong first" then it's all okay. :D
 

IZthe411

Carerra Lu
Joined
Jul 19, 2009
Messages
2,585
MBTI Type
INTJ
I think XSFJs are quick to blame others initially but upon reflection and sometimes when they allow themselves to honestly hear others thy will see how they may have contributed to the problem.
 

tkae.

New member
Joined
Sep 4, 2010
Messages
753
MBTI Type
INFP
Enneagram
5w4
Instinctual Variant
sx/sp
My mom (ESFJ) will blame herself when she's stressed, but she never apologizes for it. I never noticed how weird that sounds :blushing:

If anything, she blames others more because her logic is, "Since I always do the best job I can possibly do, there's nothing I can be blamed for, and anyone trying to blame me for something is actually to blame themselves because the time they're taking to blame me could be better spent doing their own job better."

Usually the logic is sound... I can't actually think of a time when she wasn't right. Or if she's wrong, she'll admit it.

She doesn't apologize though :blink:
 

Hornet389

Permabanned
Joined
Sep 29, 2010
Messages
13
MBTI Type
ISJ
I think XSFJs are quick to blame others initially but upon reflection and sometimes when they allow themselves to honestly hear others thy will see how they may have contributed to the problem.

i agree with this
 

Thalassa

Permabanned
Joined
May 3, 2009
Messages
25,183
MBTI Type
ISFP
Enneagram
6w7
Instinctual Variant
sx
I know two SFJ males who are like this...the ESFJ has to be crying desperately into his pillow to apologize, and the ISFJ ...well, he says things that he seems to think pass for apologies, but they're not apologies. The ISFJ in particular seems quite fond of blaming others for his many problems.
 

Thalassa

Permabanned
Joined
May 3, 2009
Messages
25,183
MBTI Type
ISFP
Enneagram
6w7
Instinctual Variant
sx
My mom (ESFJ) will blame herself when she's stressed, but she never apologizes for it. I never noticed how weird that sounds :blushing:

I am quite familiar with this phenomenon in my ESFJ ex. It's not weird at all.

"I'm a XXX person. I did XYZ. I even told my mom, she doesn't realize how I XXXX. I'm such a XXX."

But to actually say THE WORDS "I am sorry"??? That's a big event that generally involves having to also tolerate his nervous breakdown.
 

IZthe411

Carerra Lu
Joined
Jul 19, 2009
Messages
2,585
MBTI Type
INTJ
I know two SFJ males who are like this...the ESFJ has to be crying desperately into his pillow to apologize, and the ISFJ ...well, he says things that he seems to think pass for apologies, but they're not apologies. The ISFJ in particular seems quite fond of blaming others for his many problems.

ISFJ friend is doing work on my house. He messes up- nothing big, but what happened was not good. He didn't 'apologize' but went on this tirade about how hard it was to work on my house because it's older and isn't built to the standards of the newer stuff so he had to go at it differently, blah blah blah.

I told him that doesn't excuse his error. He did the same thing to a mutual friend, and the friend's wife got someone else to finish the job. The ISFJ was mad that this new contractor got to finish off what he started. The friend and his wife offered to compensate him by paying towards a trip that a group of us were going to take. ISFJ refuses. Complains to me later that they didn't pay him, but neglects to tell me that they offered to pay his way for the trip. Makes no sense.

Understanding MBTI I was able to show him how he likes to shoot down other people's work and point out their flaws but when he messes up he's ready to jump into traffic, and how that relates to his self perception. It sunk in to an extent.
 

FDG

pathwise dependent
Joined
Aug 13, 2007
Messages
5,903
MBTI Type
ENTJ
Enneagram
7w8
My experience tells me that they're quick to apologize for minor mistakes; however, whenever the mistake is potentially large, they're not likely to apologize. One way to make them do it is by getting extremely angry, however it's not something I'd suggest doing, rather something which might be a consequence of their behavior. My impression is that they're usually trying not to think about their mistake, because they'd feel terribly guilty about it. Another option would then be to let them know how you're ready to forgive them, although it does require a high level of even-kneeled-ness.
 

Thalassa

Permabanned
Joined
May 3, 2009
Messages
25,183
MBTI Type
ISFP
Enneagram
6w7
Instinctual Variant
sx
Some can actually be pretty irrational and verbally abusive, in my experience.

This is the opposite of the stereotype, but there it is.

Of course, when they tell you you're a whore who should burn in hell and deserves everything you get, they'll make sure to try to convince you that you've done something horrible to them to justify the behavior. They just don't feel right saying such things unless they can make themselves appear victimized, even if the victimization is completely imaginary.
 

Snuggletron

Reptilian
Joined
Sep 25, 2009
Messages
2,224
MBTI Type
INFP
Enneagram
10
My husband is an ISFJ - scoutmaster, sunday school teacher, state employee, Republican. Will tolerate groups but prefers one-on-one interactions.

I am confused by profiles of ISFJs that describe them as being apologetic. My husband never apologizes for anything. He tends to blame others for personal failures.

I am open to possibility that I may have mistyped him.

MBTi doesn't account for accountability (see what I did there). Come to think of it, I don't know of any SFJs that are very apologetic. Male or female. My mother, who is ESFJ, tends to blame others and act the martyr when things go wrong, then turns around and says she hates when she gets blamed for things. My friend's ISFJ father wasn't apologetic at all. In fact, I would have sworn he was an ISTJ because he isn't a softy at all (he was in the military, and was also a scoutmaster, like your husband). Perhaps it is because SJ's tend to be more stubborn and headstrong in their convictions and ideas. This is sometimes a positive trait but I don't think it lends itself to accountability.

I dated an ISFJ, it became apparent that she is prone to blame others for mistakes done to her but not so much the other way around. Is this an Fe-Ti reaction to what happens when mistakes are made? I've noticed they are apt to be impatient and point out things that are wrong externally, generally people or relationship related.

btw, I don't want to make SFJ's look like assholes, but this is an issue I've noticed in all that come to my mind.
 

FDG

pathwise dependent
Joined
Aug 13, 2007
Messages
5,903
MBTI Type
ENTJ
Enneagram
7w8
I dated an ISFJ, it became apparent that she is prone to blame others for mistakes done to her but not so much the other way around. Is this an Si-Fe reaction to what happens when mistakes are made?

btw, I don't want to make SFJ's look like assholes, but this is an issue I've noticed in all that come to my mind.

Really you just have to be blunt / assholish when they do that. Perhaps they will end up crying but they will slowly stop their behavior. You can think of it like a "training".

It's generally better to just leave someone that has such big character flaws, though, IME (unless you're married of course)
 

Giggly

No moss growing on me
Joined
Jun 12, 2008
Messages
9,661
MBTI Type
iSFj
Enneagram
2
Instinctual Variant
sx/so
I take blame.
 

amazingdatagirl

New member
Joined
Aug 3, 2010
Messages
95
MBTI Type
INTP
Enneagram
6w5
I take blame.
Had not looked at this thread in a while - did not intend for it to turn into SJ bashing.

I have a lot of admiration for the SJs in my life - my husband has grounded me and helped me to be less narcissistic. Thanks to him, bills are paid, the house and yard are reasonably tidy, and both kids made it to adulthood.

OTOH, nobody is perfect.
 

Giggly

No moss growing on me
Joined
Jun 12, 2008
Messages
9,661
MBTI Type
iSFj
Enneagram
2
Instinctual Variant
sx/so
No worries, I didn't take it as an SJ bashing thread. You seem sincerely frustrated and looking for help. I still think that most ISFJs will be apologetic. The only time I wouldnt is if I think the other person is not taking other people (including me) into consideration, then I wouldn't see the need to apologize.



PS - is that you in your avatar?
 

Kacamata

New member
Joined
Mar 1, 2014
Messages
1
MBTI Type
INTP
I have an ISFJ friend, and he apologizes all the time, especially for minor things. I don't know about major things, though, but he seems to be ready to take the blame for the sake of harmony in the group.
 

bronte27

New member
Joined
Nov 11, 2014
Messages
33
MBTI Type
ISFJ
Enneagram
6w5
Wow there's some definite SFJ hating going on here. Hey, not all of us are bad people, I promise! :( Anyhow, I tend to apologize for most everything. I've even had people get mad at me about it and tell me it's not my fault and I need to stop trying to put all the blame on myself. But it's very possible that's just me as a person rather than part of the ISFJ type. I'm definitely the type who's going to get told "stop saying you're sorry" only to have me blurt out "sorry" in response. But hey, everyone's different.
 

Unionruler

New member
Joined
Dec 2, 2014
Messages
98
MBTI Type
ISFJ
Enneagram
2
Instinctual Variant
so/sp
Some days I apologize and some days I don't. I can turn defensive easily. In a relationship situation I usually don't because I already give people so much care that I expect them to kinda be responsible as a friend or SO before criticizing me; that's usually if they don't bother with wording whatever what they want to say gently in acknowledgement of my feelings.

The really sad part is that I apologize for stuff that is not my fault in relationship situations. Especially when I get ignored, or I feel really uncared for but just want to salvage the relationship. I feel so sick when I get rejected anyway, as you can tell I'm not a very healthy ISFJ.
 
Top