[MBTI General] help an INTP understand an ESFJ

[JoSunshine]

But don't be[...]a turnip. No one wants to date a turnip.

Good lord! That cracked me up! It's good advice for anyone

 

[pardo]

My gf is esfj. It's easy and hard.

On the good side: you don't have to do anything fancy, she's uncomplicated in desires and expectations, if a little formal. Probably needy for intp standards, but the needs themselves are of a simple nature. So, if she likes you that's it. High level of self-sustaining commitment, *valuable* for long term companionship.

On the other hand, you MUST NOT do anything fancy, until you know her better. Very easily offended. Interpret -and confront- everything on a deep personal level. Can't be criticized or contradicted. Subject to heavy mood swings. Light forms of conflict, like "what you would call a normal discussion", consistently trigger "what you would define an overreaction". So, uncensored exchange of ideas always somewhat dangerous. Learning to cope with this side, possible... but requires time, for her too, to grow respect in your superior reasoning. Keeping conversation on light subjects and focusing on her is advisable. Or, try to find common ground on everything. Intp naturally good at this(open mind, can see the rationale for every viewpoint, chameleon persona.)

 

[citizen cane]

i have an ESFJ mother *groans*. this list seems spot on so far.

 

[quamdel]

Keeping conversation on light subjects and focusing on her is advisable. Or, try to find common ground on everything. Intp naturally good at this(open mind, can see the rationale for every viewpoint, chameleon persona.)

thats the only way I can talk to her sometimes, by staying on neutral ground.

great advice so far. I dont think I have really seen her mood swings though. we had sushi earlier and she kinda gave me a serious look in her eyes and ranted for a cool 30 seconds about her unresponsible ex-roommates. scary! plus she is brand new to figurative language...

 

[quamdel]

Good lord! That cracked me up! It's good advice for anyone

I don't want to be a turnip! What are great topics of discussion for Fe types? I watched the Devil Wears Prada earlier. Did that help or hurt things?

 

[Saslou]

I don't want to be a turnip! What are great topics of discussion for Fe types? I watched the Devil Wears Prada earlier. Did that help or hurt things?

That film is cute.

What to discuss with Fe's .. In my case i enjoy talking about

Space/astronomy
Aliens/conspiracy theories
Spirituality
Psychology
Sociology
Religion
Politics
Foreign affairs
And so much more ..

I kind of get an idea into my head then want to discuss it further to connect the dots.

I am pretty much open minded to anything and enjoy seeing different perspectives but don't talk to me about how the pixels in a TV works .. Someone once did that over the phone for a good 10 mins and i was bored to death .. To me, the most important aspect of a TV is 1080 LCD HD TV

 

[burymecloser]

I like this thread. for helpful ESFJs!

 

[Fluffywolf]

My sister is an ESFJ and I know a thing or two about ESFJ's in general. Enough to know that ESFJ's, although they sometimes seem rather emotionally invincible and tough, they have to be handled with a certain care.

Ease her into you, don't go all INTP style on her right away! If you get her on your bad side by being too reckless early on, it won't be easy to get yourself back on her good side. They love to argue about things, but when it's about something dear to her, you have to be careful. Being on neutral grounds is advisable for short term, but I personally would say it's not a bad thing to show your worth once in a while too, as long as you do so tactfully and in a way she can understand your viewpoint. Which won't be easy.

Also, good luck trying to keep your pants on if it comes to a relationship. ESFJ's can be very bossy.

 

[Chaotic Harmony]

My sister is an ESFJ and I know a thing or two about ESFJ's in general. Enough to know that ESFJ's, although they sometimes seem rather emotionally invincible and tough, they have to be handled with a certain care.

Ease her into you, don't go all INTP style on her right away! If you get her on your bad side by being too reckless early on, it won't be easy to get yourself back on her good side. They love to argue about things, but when it's about something dear to her, you have to be careful. Being on neutral grounds is advisable for short term, but I personally would say it's not a bad thing to show your worth once in a while too, as long as you do so tactfully and in a way she can understand your viewpoint. Which won't be easy.

Also, good luck trying to keep your pants on if it comes to a relationship. ESFJ's can be very bossy.

Ha! This is very true... I have always kept my emotions under control pretty well.... My ex finally said the one thing that brought them all out and when I snapped and went off on him about it, I thought his eyes were going to pop out of his head.

We're not bossy.... We just know what we want....and how to get it!

 

[quamdel]

emotionally invincible... a scary thought!

 

[Giggly]

I like this thread. I agree with most of the advice here.

 

[Saslou]

My sister is an ESFJ and I know a thing or two about ESFJ's in general. Enough to know that ESFJ's, although they sometimes seem rather emotionally invincible and tough, they have to be handled with a certain care.

You are not supposed to be able to read my soul darling .. But yeah pretty much spot on.

Once i trust you, the emotional side slowly comes through .. And once you have it, it's yours pretty much forever.

Ohhhhh, that does sound gooey

Ease her into you, don't go all INTP style on her right away! If you get her on your bad side by being too reckless early on, it won't be easy to get yourself back on her good side. They love to argue about things, but when it's about something dear to her, you have to be careful. Being on neutral grounds is advisable for short term, but I personally would say it's not a bad thing to show your worth once in a while too, as long as you do so tactfully and in a way she can understand your viewpoint. Which won't be easy.

Also, good luck trying to keep your pants on if it comes to a relationship. ESFJ's can be very bossy.

I can't take myself serious sometimes so struggle to take others also .. I love a good heated debate where the end result is us doing a then a :yim_rolling_on_the_ When i am being serious though and want a serious talk, the worst thing ever to do is laugh in my face .. I have to vacate quickly or i'm like a bull to a rag

I am not bossy .. I'm assertive, lol

 

[MrScar]

Is this really the way to go with an ESFJ?

Hahaha, I think I just could not resist talking about sex, politics and religion...

My guess is I won't be dating many of them. xD

 

[quamdel]

Once i trust you, the emotional side slowly comes through .. And once you have it, it's yours pretty much forever.

Ohhhhh, that does sound gooey
I can't take myself serious sometimes so struggle to take others also .. I love a good heated debate where the end result is us doing a then a :yim_rolling_on_the_ When i am being serious though and want a serious talk, the worst thing ever to do is laugh in my face .. I have to vacate quickly or i'm like a bull to a rag

Our date is coming up in a few weeks!(She was out of town)

I hope all this advice doesn't lead me the wrong way. It shouldn't. I just don't know how to get her to trust me, but i can wait on that. I will definitely avoid laughing in her face. I don't want to get mauled! My problem the last time we got food together was that I kept spacing out! Literally, I would run out of things to say and stare off for a few seconds. Awkward! She did try to teach me to use chopsticks though, and we had a few of those laughs where your face muscles hurt afterwards!

Oh it was so cute too the other day (cute for INTPs, but she was serious). She asked me why there is war, and I told her some disputes can't be settled with words. As I was saying it, I got more attracted to her. That was my first attempt at "proving my worth" as an INTP. She didn't give me a "WTF" look afterwards, so I hope it went over well.

 

[Domino]

Dude, just be respectful and *apparently* just be yourself because she accepted going on a date with you with any back bends or contortions. Good news - you can just be yourself! Don't overthink it.

 

[quamdel]

Dude, just be respectful and *apparently* just be yourself because she accepted going on a date with you with any back bends or contortions. Good news - you can just be yourself! Don't overthink it.

My friend, I was actually under-thinking it, but I see where your coming from.

 

[Saslou]

Our date is coming up in a few weeks!(She was out of town)

I hope all this advice doesn't lead me the wrong way. It shouldn't. I just don't know how to get her to trust me, but i can wait on that. I will definitely avoid laughing in her face. I don't want to get mauled! My problem the last time we got food together was that I kept spacing out! Literally, I would run out of things to say and stare off for a few seconds. Awkward! She did try to teach me to use chopsticks though, and we had a few of those laughs where your face muscles hurt afterwards!

Oh it was so cute too the other day (cute for INTPs, but she was serious). She asked me why there is war, and I told her some disputes can't be settled with words. As I was saying it, I got more attracted to her. That was my first attempt at "proving my worth" as an INTP. She didn't give me a "WTF" look afterwards, so I hope it went over well.

.. Awwww .. She'll trust you in time and you seem a really nice guy .. I don't know about the other ESFJ's on here but i try to hold my emotions back but i think it may be true in all of us in that we wear our hearts on our sleeves .. Laughing is a good sign

I am glad though you didn't perceive her 'Why is there war?' as a silly question .. We are not stupid be any means but i personally enjoy asking why questions so i can see how the other person answers them (curious by nature) ..

Well it's early days but i do hope it continues to be a barrel of laughs for you .. Enjoy it for what it is

 

[Chaotic Harmony]

Is this really the way to go with an ESFJ?

Hahaha, I think I just could not resist talking about sex, politics and religion...

My guess is I won't be dating many of them. xD

I don't mind talking about sex, politics or religion.... Just not on the first date.

 

[Saslou]

I don't mind talking about sex, politics or religion.... Just not on the first date.

Nor during sex

But second date is fine by me