[ISTJ] ISTJ & 'miss you'

[Rainne]

So.. ISTJs, can you go on vacation and have 'so much fun' that you don't miss/forget about your love interest?

It was probably an accident and will most likely not ever happen again.

 

[2XtremeENFP]

I don't think it's on purpose, and I don't think he's blocking you out. Just because something isn't positive doesn't make it negative. it could just be neutral. He got busy and you weren't on the forefront of his mind. You just have to accept that. There is no person you will ever be with who can honestly say that you are on his mind every second of the day. Or even once per day, every single day.

Well said.

Exactly. It's his vacation with his family and fun *should* be winning in this instance. It would be very difficult for me to be with someone who always wanted more more more all the time and couldn't relax enough in our relationship to be separated for a few days.

I may have miscommunicated this or perhaps not fully explained myself. I am totally okay and fine away from him, sure I miss him, but I am in no way unfunctional without him around, haha. I was TOTALLY COOL with him not calling (I know how he can be, and that when he is with his family, I am often kind of pushed to the side), and i was TOTALLY COOL with not texting much with him-- what bothered me was when he actually ADMITTED to not missing me. It's one thing to be busy and still miss me and still have fun, it's another thing to think its perfectly fine to tell me that he is having fun, busy, and NOT missing me. And to clarify, when I say that he's 'busy', it's not really going out to bars, or partying,.. it's sitting at home, watching movies, going out to eat, and playing games........ is that honestly SUPER BUSY enough for an ISTJ to not miss their girlfriend??

I can always tell when an ENFP is complaining under the guise of a joke, and it really really annoys me when someone doesn't speak to me plainly, so sometimes I'll jab back "innocently". I'm not suggesting that's what he's doing but I'm just putting it out there. You might speak with agenda and hidden meaning and therefore look for it in his words - it may just not be there at all. So if you keep looking for hidden meaning, he may be giving you something to work with, out of spite.

I'm not sure ISTJs would think that way, but I would.

This makes sense, but he really isn't like that. He would have joked and then taken it back, we've joked and teased like what you described before, but he isn't about mind games.

Yeah. When I say I'm going to call someone, I take a text message as fulfilling my duty.

I agree with this when it comes to friends, but not S.Os.. and like I said, I am not upset that he didn't call, it was the fact that he just plain out didn't miss me and doesn't find anything odd about that. Kinda strange. But like someone said (maybe you??), maybe he just hasnt had time to miss me...?

He probably means "... that you don't miss me" as something like "... that you didn't need me in order to have a good time".

In a situation where you're off without your partner, "missing" them might imply that you're not happy or whole without them--that they are, indeed, a missing piece.

Everyone needs "me time". I mean, I'd want my partner to not be dependent on me to have a good time on their vacation.

I'd just look and see if this is a pattern, or if it's a one-time miscommunication.


Breaking his promise to call you at night is inexcusable, though. He flaked on you there.

Thank you, this actually makes A LOT of sense to me As far as the pattern, he can just be insensitive to how a guy should treat a girl.. I know this, so I let this filter in my mind when I am trying to figure out his actions. So, this happens a lot (him saying kinda mean things) but this time, I can't find anything to shed a different view on what he could mean... :-\

I think you deserve better treatment, honestly. Down the line, would you find this behavior acceptable? Especially if you add children in the mix (hypothetically)? At least he was honest about his feelings.

How would this pan out in relation to getting marriage and having children... I don't see the connection.

Still, I don´t want to draw any conclusion without knowing how long have you been together.

We are not good at expressing our feelings, so, try to find out if that answer was just a communicational mishap, or if it contained his true feelings.

5 years on and off. you can find previous posts of questions about him and I, hahaha. The 'off'-times that happened are what makes me kind of insecure about our relationship. Does he love me to the full extend that he could, or does he just think that he loves me as much as he could. Irrational, I know, but I can't stop wondering that.......

I feel like it contained his true feelings, because he didn't try and take it back or explain himself. He just threw it out there and left it.

Agree with jeno. I don't think he's being unreasonable. I also don't think there needs to be a contest between fun and girlfriend.

I am trying my hardest to not be 'that girl'. I want him to have fun, but I want him to look forward to coming back home and seeing me. I can't force it.

it was somewhat insensitive of him to say it out loud, though only to certain personalities (others would prefer the truth). 5 text messages in a day is a TON of communication, especially for a busy vacation. I'm not surprised he wasn't missing you if his days were jam packed, and honestly I would be annoyed at someone getting annoyed at me for such a reason. It doesn't mean he doesn't care about you, just that he doesn't need to think about you 24/7 to be happy, and he isn't miserable when he's away for you for a few days. which is good!

don't enfp that poor boy to death...this is why opposites may attract but aren't always ideal...

5 messages is a TON? Really? lol, I must be a HEAVY texter than, because the conversations were just so... 'S' lol "Hi, Hope you have a good day!" "Thanks, you too!" "Good night!" "Sweet dreams!" I mean, no substance....

and like I said before, it's not like he's out white water rafting, and going out drinking, he's in a small town, sitting at home playing games with his family...

I do know that I can ENFP him to death, which is why I love coming here and sorting things out!

 

[kiddykat]

How would this pan out in relation to getting marriage and having children... I don't see the connection.

From what I read, it's an exclusive relationship, correct?

I meant it from a long-term perspective.

 

[2XtremeENFP]

From what I read, it's an exclusive relationship, correct?

I meant it from a long-term perspective.

Absolutely exclusive, yes.

 

[copperfish17]

I love my bf dearly but for me, out of sight is out of mind, for the most part. While I'm doing stuff, I'm doing stuff. When my brain has a minute to relax, he'll creep into my consciousness at some point and that's when he'll get a phone call from me.

I don't think anything is wrong with your guy, he's just built that way. If you try to pressure him to be exactly what you want him to be, you may end up driving him away.

AMEN to that.

I don't know if what you're experiencing is "just an Fi thing," but if there's one thing that's for sure... it's that you are overreacting.

I personally think that not missing someone is very much possible, especially when one is preoccupied with having fun/working/reading/playing sports/camping/playing video games--WHATEVER it is that one's doing right now.

I forget about people I love (love DEARLY, I assure you) regularly when I'm away from them. It's just me hanging out in my own world, and if you can't take that... you might not be giving me enough personal space.

Bottom line is: Accept that you're not all there is to his life. It's true, and there's nothing anyone can do about that.

5 messages is a TON? Really? lol, I must be a HEAVY texter than, because the conversations were just so... 'S' lol "Hi, Hope you have a good day!" "Thanks, you too!" "Good night!" "Sweet dreams!" I mean, no substance...

IMHO yes, 5 messages IS a ton. I don't text/call my loved ones AT ALL if I don't have specific reasons. This coming from a girl if you're wondering. And no, my T isn't strong at all, if you're wondering that as well.

Hope you can work things out with your boyfriend.

Oh, and "absence makes the heart grow fonder."

 

[IZthe411]

I agree wholly with Jenocyde's comment, and the majority of other's.

As an ISTJ guy, he might have a literal definition of what it means to miss someone. As an ISTJ guy I know I've always had trouble with that 'did you miss me' question because if it did not technically (read: according to my definition of being without any kind of contact for extended period of time with a resulting feeling of withdrawal or incompleteness) miss you, then in my head the answer is no, where for somebody else to 'miss' someone has a totally different meaning.

If I'm dating a girl, it's Wednesday, and we haven't seen each other since Saturday but have texted or talked each day in between, then I probably would have a hard time missing you. Distance between us is immaterial to this feeling.

I think what he said sounds insensitive on the surface, but understand his view.

One thing I have learned, and am still learning is to qualify my definition. Is there something about her that I did miss? Did catching that glimpse of her as I walked up to her generate some kind of reaction? When we hugged/kissed, does that contact put me in a place where I won't be unless I'm with her? Then in that smaller sense, YES I have missed her. I missed her smile, I missed her scent. That way, I can answer her question with a "Yes, I missed that beautiful smile", and make her day, instead of "We talk everyday, I don't have a chance to miss you". A little extra effort goes a long way!

 

[d@v3]

Hmm.. my definition of "missing" someone is this:
I see my girlfriend almost every day. If I go about 3 days without seeing her, then I start to miss her presence- it's similar to a withdrawal process. I miss her scent, I miss her smile, I miss her voice, and I miss her laugh. HOWEVER, if I didn't see her every day, then the 3 days stated above would probably increase. It's all relative. In other words, if I only saw her once a week, then it would take longer for me to start "missing" her. Does that make sense?

I think you are over-thinking your situation. How often do you see each other when he is not on vacation?

 

[burymecloser]

He said that he doesn't miss you. That's not a very nice thing to say, and it's obviously upset you. So why did he say it?

1) He was being careless with your feelings.
2) He was trying to be hurtful or put some distance between you.
3) He was upset that you "teased him about how he hasn't called" and said it deliberately to upset you, as revenge.

To me, all of those are problems. Maybe I'm missing some other possibility, but it seems to me that he was either deliberately mean -- which is a serious problem -- or he was unintentionally mean, which could also be a pretty major problem.

I would be concerned in your position. He didn't call, then when he finally did, said he didn't miss you. Is that kind of carelessness normal for him, or is it more of a recent development? I'd be tempted to assume he's trying to send you a message. Hope I'm wrong.

When I do asked him to clarify, I think he thinks I am trying to trap him so he says what I want to hear...

Could you expand on this?


I realize raz touched on this somewhat, but ISTJs, what do you make of him lying? He said he would call every day, then went three days without calling. Is that not a big deal, or is it surprising behavior to you?

 

[sciski]

He said that he doesn't miss you. That's not a very nice thing to say, and it's obviously upset you. So why did he say it?

1) He was being careless with your feelings.
2) He was trying to be hurtful or put some distance between you.
3) He was upset that you "teased him about how he hasn't called" and said it deliberately to upset you, as revenge.

^ These are all speculations and not necessarily reflective of his reasons.

I'm an F and I have said this to my partner before (though gently), for exactly the reasons that IZthe411 stated. My partner asked me the question, I examined my mental/emotional database to figure out the literal truth and responded with the result. To me, it's just data, though I understood that such data would sting my partner (and it did, though he accepted my explanation). It's possible it's like that for your boyfriend as well.

I could have chosen to give the desired response "Yes, I missed you so much!", but that would have been flat-out lying, and my partner would have known it. Better to just give the honest data then, as gently as possible.

Essentially, Dave and IZthe411's answers (taking the question literally) ring so true for me that I wonder if I'm actually ISTJ now.

 

[burymecloser]

^ These are all speculations and not necessarily reflective of his reasons.

Yes.

I have said this to my partner before (though gently), for exactly the reasons that IZthe411 stated. My partner asked me the question, I examined my mental/emotional database to figure out the literal truth and responded with the result. To me, it's just data, though I understood that such data would sting my partner (and it did, though he accepted my explanation).

You have to "examine your mental/emotional database to figure out the literal truth"? That's not being an F or a T, that's being a computer program.

Anyway, the boyfriend wasn't responding to a direct question, "Did you miss me?" It sounds from the OP like he volunteered this information, went out of his way to say it.

Even in response to a direct question, there are ways to answer nicely without lying, or even use things like tone of voice to communicate affection so your feelings aren't misunderstood. That's pretty much what I meant by "being careless with your feelings". It sounds to me like he doesn't care about the relationship all that much right now and isn't bothering to hide it. It seems like a lot of people are defending what he said, but to me the important thing is why he said it. Admittedly, I can't think of a reason that doesn't make him seem kind of jerky.

 

[IZthe411]

Yes.


You have to "examine your mental/emotional database to figure out the literal truth"? That's not being an F or a T, that's being a computer program.

Anyway, the boyfriend wasn't responding to a direct question, "Did you miss me?" It sounds from the OP like he volunteered this information, went out of his way to say it.

Even in response to a direct question, there are ways to answer nicely without lying, or even use things like tone of voice to communicate affection so your feelings aren't misunderstood. That's pretty much what I meant by "being careless with your feelings". It sounds to me like he doesn't care about the relationship all that much right now and isn't bothering to hide it. It seems like a lot of people are defending what he said, but to me the important thing is why he said it. Admittedly, I can't think of a reason that doesn't make him seem kind of jerky.

We get to talking and started playing around and I teased him about how he hasn't called me until after 3.

This is what the OP said to bring up the fact he didn't call. I can see how he'd be considered a liar- to those who say that he should have called everynight like he said- If I said I'd call you every night I wouldn't necessary consider texting calling. But that's me, and I'd actually say I'll hit you up every night or something- to let her know it might not be a call, but it would be some form of contact.

But back to what I quoted- I hate that tactic. As someone mentioned, that's undercover complaining, nagging even. That is ANNOYING, and I can understand why her dude answered that way. When we're annoyed, we're less likely to try to find the right words. What comes out is unfiltered or unscreened, because you have touched a nerve.

He loves her, but she's out of sight, out of mind when he's on vacation. I'll put money on it that he thinks about her more than he expresses to her. He also knows he'll see her again in a few days, so the situation is not hopeless. He'll be happy to see her.

It's like when you go on vacation. As much fun as you have had, once you are home you are happy to be back to familiar surroundings and your bed. You don't necessarily miss these things. Now I know some of you will think 'objects vs people', and that has some merit, but it's not as clear cut, and that example's for illustrative purposes. He was having a good time and he accomplished the purpose of his vacation, but once that was over it was home and happy to see his girlfriend!

 

[sciski]

You have to "examine your mental/emotional database to figure out the literal truth"? That's not being an F or a T, that's being a computer program.

Heh, I was attempting to express myself in a tongue-in-cheek way. Scratch the use of "database" and just think of someone looking inside to figure out what she's feeling. Or maybe I just failed the Turing test.. or passed, depending on how you look at it.

I'm not sure why I even wrote the I'm an F comment as it wasn't related. It was the end of a long day at work... that's my excuse and I'm sticking with it!

Anyway, the boyfriend wasn't responding to a direct question, "Did you miss me?" It sounds from the OP like he volunteered this information, went out of his way to say it.

True. I guess it sounded like he was responding to the implied question/accusation (seeing as he got defensive)--"why haven't you contacted me in 3 days?"

I think he actually didn't mean that much by it, considering he phrased it as a question. My impression is that he completely expected her to agree with him, which would point to him assuming that this sort of feeling of non-missingness is universal and hence wouldn't be particularly harmful or hurtful to mention.

Even in response to a direct question, there are ways to answer nicely without lying, or even use things like tone of voice to communicate affection so your feelings aren't misunderstood. That's pretty much what I meant by "being careless with your feelings". It sounds to me like he doesn't care about the relationship all that much right now and isn't bothering to hide it.

True again! The problem is that we didn't hear his tone, just 2XtremeENFP's interpretation of his tone... Maybe he did snarl it out, or say it rudely, which would change things entirely... but without that information, I wanted to put forward the notion that it's entirely possible to say something like that without intending to hurt the other person, or convey any deeper message.

But your view does lead to more interesting speculation, so we can go with it.

 

[Poki]

Agree with jeno. I don't think he's being unreasonable. I also don't think there needs to be a contest between fun and girlfriend.

I am with jenocyde on this as well. When I am away I am generally in the moment. I have got knocked alot for not calling my wife. I then do it because she wants me to. At that point I am doing it for her not some "social norm", but because she wants me to. She wins over my fun.

Honestly I end up stressing over not doing it and it causes all sorts of problems and the rest of my day is ruined. It becomes a burden and honestly that just makes every thought of her stressful as opposed to anything that would even cause me to miss her.

This whole thing of missing people doesnt ever pan out very good with in the moment types

 

[jenocyde]

I just think people shouldn't ask questions that they don't want to hear a truthful answer to. There is always going to be a possibility that someone won't feel or think exactly the way you want them to in that given moment.

My advice is to wait for him to say he misses you instead of prodding him to do so.

It's perfectly acceptable to ask him to be more verbal with his emotions, but you can't dictate which emotions he should be feeling. Or getting upset over an honest answer to an honest question.

I wouldn't be hurt if my boyfriend said that to me, I would be like "No? You don't miss me at all? You don't miss the way I [expletive] or the way I [censored]?" hahahaha... Basically, I would just make him miss me. Seriously, don't overthink (or emote) this.

 

[IZthe411]

I am with jenocyde on this as well. When I am away I am generally in the moment. I have got knocked alot for not calling my wife. I then do it because she wants me to. At that point I am doing it for her not some "social norm", but because she wants me to. She wins over my fun.

Honestly I end up stressing over not doing it and it causes all sorts of problems and the rest of my day is ruined. It becomes a burden and honestly that just makes every thought of her stressful as opposed to anything that would even cause me to miss her.

This whole thing of missing people doesnt ever pan out very good with in the moment types

DAAAAAAAAAAAANG I've thought this before. So I guess it's not only me.

 

[Poki]

I wouldn't be hurt if my boyfriend said that to me, I would be like "No? You don't miss me at all? You don't miss the way I [expletive] or the way I [censored]?" hahahaha... Basically, I would just make him miss me. Seriously, don't overthink (or emote) this.

Perception controls thoughts, which controls wants, which controls desire, which controls drive....Drivers wanted

 

[2XtremeENFP]

If I'm dating a girl, it's Wednesday, and we haven't seen each other since Saturday but have texted or talked each day in between, then I probably would have a hard time missing you. Distance between us is immaterial to this feeling.

I think what he said sounds insensitive on the surface, but understand his view.

One thing I have learned, and am still learning is to qualify my definition. Is there something about her that I did miss? Did catching that glimpse of her as I walked up to her generate some kind of reaction? When we hugged/kissed, does that contact put me in a place where I won't be unless I'm with her? Then in that smaller sense, YES I have missed her. I missed her smile, I missed her scent. That way, I can answer her question with a "Yes, I missed that beautiful smile", and make her day, instead of "We talk everyday, I don't have a chance to miss you". A little extra effort goes a long way!

This makes sense.

I think you are over-thinking your situation. How often do you see each other when he is not on vacation?

Hmm... we hang out after work usually 4 days a week, ranging from 3-4 hours at a time...

He said that he doesn't miss you. That's not a very nice thing to say, and it's obviously upset you. So why did he say it?

1) He was being careless with your feelings.
2) He was trying to be hurtful or put some distance between you.
3) He was upset that you "teased him about how he hasn't called" and said it deliberately to upset you, as revenge.

To me, all of those are problems. Maybe I'm missing some other possibility, but it seems to me that he was either deliberately mean -- which is a serious problem -- or he was unintentionally mean, which could also be a pretty major problem.

When he said the hurtful comment, he said it as if it wasn't a rude/mean thing to say. He said it in a normal tone, yet being serious, like it wasn't a big deal.

Yes.


Anyway, the boyfriend wasn't responding to a direct question, "Did you miss me?" It sounds from the OP like he volunteered this information, went out of his way to say it.

Even in response to a direct question, there are ways to answer nicely without lying, or even use things like tone of voice to communicate affection so your feelings aren't misunderstood. That's pretty much what I meant by "being careless with your feelings". It sounds to me like he doesn't care about the relationship all that much right now and isn't bothering to hide it. It seems like a lot of people are defending what he said, but to me the important thing is why he said it. Admittedly, I can't think of a reason that doesn't make him seem kind of jerky.

Exactly. I wasn't bugging him, or fishing for a "Miss you". he just felt the need to say it. Perhaps I may have not given enough information about the situation in the original inital post...

But back to what I quoted- I hate that tactic. As someone mentioned, that's undercover complaining, nagging even. That is ANNOYING, and I can understand why her dude answered that way. When we're annoyed, we're less likely to try to find the right words. What comes out is unfiltered or unscreened, because you have touched a nerve.

That was not my intention... I wasn't nagging, complaining. I wasn't upset that he didn't call. I was upset that he said that he didn't miss me. (Which, could as an effect, make me upset that he didnt call.. like... "Oh, so.. he didnt miss me.. AND He didnt call....wow..."

He wasn't annoyed. He was in clear mind, and just .. said it.

It's like when you go on vacation. As much fun as you have had, once you are home you are happy to be back to familiar surroundings and your bed. You don't necessarily miss these things. Now I know some of you will think 'objects vs people', and that has some merit, but it's not as clear cut, and that example's for illustrative purposes. He was having a good time and he accomplished the purpose of his vacation, but once that was over it was home and happy to see his girlfriend!

My impression is that he completely expected her to agree with him, which would point to him assuming that this sort of feeling of non-missingness is universal and hence wouldn't be particularly harmful or hurtful to mention.

Who would want their S.O. to agree in conversation of not missing eachother??

True again! The problem is that we didn't hear his tone, just 2XtremeENFP's interpretation of his tone... Maybe he did snarl it out, or say it rudely, which would change things entirely... but without that information, I wanted to put forward the notion that it's entirely possible to say something like that without intending to hurt the other person, or convey any deeper message.

But your view does lead to more interesting speculation, so we can go with it.

OK.. Yeah, I needed to give more info about what happened in the original conversation with my boyfriend and I...
...

OK, while we were talking on the phone, my friend was there in the background and she was goofing around and trying to get me off the phone, so I said as JOKING (all 3 of us are mutual friends) to my friend, "Shut up, This is the first time he's called since he left! Sorry me and my boyfriend dont talk every second of the day like you and your bf, we don't need constant communication to have a successful relationship!" And then my boyfriend said in her defence "Hey! Don't say that to her, sometimes couples just call each other just to hear each other's voice" And so I said something like "Oh yeah, so that's why you called me 3 days after you left" and then he said his dreaded, I dont miss you, line.

I just think people shouldn't ask questions that they don't want to hear a truthful answer to. There is always going to be a possibility that someone won't feel or think exactly the way you want them to in that given moment.

Trust me, dating an ISTJ, I dont ask a question unless I'm ready for a blunt response... which is why I DIDNT ASK HIM He just said it...

I wouldn't be hurt if my boyfriend said that to me, I would be like "No? You don't miss me at all? You don't miss the way I [expletive] or the way I [censored]?" hahahaha... Basically, I would just make him miss me. Seriously, don't overthink (or emote) this.

hahahah i wish I would have thought that quick to say that!

 

[Amphion]

Exactly, and thank you!

He said that he doesn't miss you. That's not a very nice thing to say, and it's obviously upset you. So why did he say it?

1) He was being careless with your feelings.
2) He was trying to be hurtful or put some distance between you.
3) He was upset that you "teased him about how he hasn't called" and said it deliberately to upset you, as revenge.

To me, all of those are problems. Maybe I'm missing some other possibility, but it seems to me that he was either deliberately mean -- which is a serious problem -- or he was unintentionally mean, which could also be a pretty major problem.

 

[IZthe411]

Exactly, and thank you!

What makes you so sure of his motives?

 

[Amphion]

Where did I indicate that I'm sure what his motives were? I think burymecloser summarized the possibilities nicely.

Having been in relationships I didn't esteem very much and relationships that I cared about deeply, I can definitely say that I might have acted this way with the former but not the latter.

You get what you're willing to settle for in life, don't you think?