[MBTI General] ISTJs Explained By ISTJs: Post your questions here!

[Habba]

Yo Habba- you hit 500 points! Don't you get some new privleges with that?

Oh... must be of obscure nature as I haven't noticed anything.

 

[IZthe411]

Oh... must be of obscure nature as I haven't noticed anything.

At a minimum you can change that 'Senior Member' title under your name.

I thought it was more. I think 500 posts signifies that you have some kind of commitment to the board. Not some fly by night sensation!

 

[Poki]

I agree. I think because we take in a lot of what's around us (Si), we are very astute joke tellers. I read in some book that we are among the best joke tellers. I agree.

yes, I frickin suck at telling jokes. I tend to do better when my mind is somewhere. Read a "dirty" joke book and for a week I was turning everything around in a sexual nature. More of a play on reality and words and stuff then actually telling jokes.

 

[JoSunshine]

OK, here's one for you ISTJ's. There is this ISTJ (not tested, but I couldn't be more certain he is an ISTJ) guy who I have been talking to / hanging out with on and off for about 10 months. He drives me bananas!!!

He had a rough childhood and will admit that he is carrying around a lot of the hurt. He will open up a hair and then shut right back down. He has no patience for listening to or even validating my feelings (yes I said it), not that I expect a lot of that out of him, but I have explained to him that at the very least not invalidating my feelings would be nice...he won't do it, I think becuase he thinks it's dumb. Not to mention he is sooooooooooo stubborn...good lord! I can't get this guy to accomodate me in pretty much any way without a fight...something as simple as getting him to go to a different restaurant takes an act of congress. I know he wants more from me than what I am giving him, but I keep him at arms length becuase I don't feel listened to or validated by him and shut out from really knowing him. He kind of refuses to even meet me half way - as a matter-of-fact I am pretty sure that he thinks annoying me is funny. I feel like I'm handing him a roadmap with directions to get close to me, but he is too stubborn to compromise.

That being said, for all of you ISTJ nay-sayers. This guy is anything but dull. I find him very interesting (albeit frustrating) and fun. I appreciate his reliability and consistancy. Any advice on getting him to see the value in compromise and to see how his behavior is actually pushing me away? Otherwise, at arms-length he stays.

 

[Amira]

I know he wants more from me than what I am giving him, but I keep him at arms length because I don't feel listened to or validated by him and shut out from really knowing him. He kind of refuses to even meet me half way - as a matter-of-fact I am pretty sure that he thinks annoying me is funny. I feel like I'm handing him a roadmap with directions to get close to me, but he is too stubborn to compromise.

That being said, for all of you ISTJ nay-sayers. This guy is anything but dull. I find him very interesting (albeit frustrating) and fun. I appreciate his reliability and consistancy. Any advice on getting him to see the value in compromise and to see how his behavior is actually pushing me away? Otherwise, at arms-length he stays.

Not sure how to give advice without knowing a few more details, but for one thing I agree with the bolded part. Don't change your mind on that. From what you've said it sounds like he is not very mature and doesn't understand some important aspects of relationships yet, which is understandable given his childhood. However, accommodating that inappropriately will not give him motivation to learn and grow. If you want to give us more specific details, like anecdotes about specific situations, we could probably help you understand a bit more about his thought process and maybe some of what his motivations are.

 

[JoSunshine]

Well, there is nothing that "serious" as far as anecdotes go becuase I have never allowed things to get serious. But I can give you an example that sounds trivial, mostly becuase it is. However, this is typical of how conflict goes with us.

He likes to text as a primary form of communication. I like to talk on the phone. I told him that I am fine with texting some, but would also like to talk on the phone becuase A) I don't feel like I can really connect with someone via text and B) I have a hard time focusing (particularly when I am working on something I don't like) and my phone buzzing every few minutes is too distracting becuase it breaks my concentration C) I just generally find having an entire conversation with someone over text annoying and cumbersome. I explained all this to him.

He will text me ALL DAY! If I ask him to call me, he flat out refuses. If I call him, he doesn't answer. I really don't think there is anything going on or that he is hiding anything just becuase he is like this with almost everything. He's just stobborn like that. He has a "You can't make me do it." attitude. If we are on the same page, we are all good and have a great time together, if not it's a problem...but like I said, he thinks it's funny. I don't think he has any concept how frustrating he can be to me and I am sure a lot of other people.

I hadn't talked to him in a while...he just cropped back up a few days ago and I am trying to figure out if there is any way of getting my point across to him or if I am wasting my breath.

 

[Sam Spade]

I have to censor myself around feelers, and it makes them boring.

I agree with the earlier poster. The only people who have described me as "boring" are those I have to censor myself around. Namely, immature people of all types including SJs. This has more to do with the TCK experience in my book than any Myers-Briggs correlation.

 

[Poki]

Well, there is nothing that "serious" as far as anecdotes go becuase I have never allowed things to get serious. But I can give you an example that sounds trivial, mostly becuase it is. However, this is typical of how conflict goes with us.

He likes to text as a primary form of communication. I like to talk on the phone. I told him that I am fine with texting some, but would also like to talk on the phone becuase A) I don't feel like I can really connect with someone via text and B) I have a hard time focusing (particularly when I am working on something I don't like) and my phone buzzing every few minutes is too distracting becuase it breaks my concentration C) I just generally find having an entire conversation with someone over text annoying and cumbersome. I explained all this to him.

He will text me ALL DAY! If I ask him to call me, he flat out refuses. If I call him, he doesn't answer. I really don't think there is anything going on or that he is hiding anything just becuase he is like this with almost everything. He's just stobborn like that. He has a "You can't make me do it." attitude. If we are on the same page, we are all good and have a great time together, if not it's a problem...but like I said, he thinks it's funny. I don't think he has any concept how frustrating he can be to me and I am sure a lot of other people.

I hadn't talked to him in a while...he just cropped back up a few days ago and I am trying to figure out if there is any way of getting my point across to him or if I am wasting my breath.

Breath is only wasted when you dont stand up for what you speak. You want him to call you then dont talk to him unless he calls you or if he sees you in person and keep him at arms length until you feel like you can let him closer. Dont give up or force it to end, but dont give in if its important, hold him where you feel, just move forward with your life. Easier said then done though.

 

[IZthe411]

Breath is only wasted when you dont stand up for what you speak. You want him to call you then dont talk to him unless he calls you or if he sees you in person and keep him at arms length until you feel like you can let him closer. Dont give up or force it to end, but dont give in if its important, hold him where you feel, just move forward with your life. Easier said then done though.

Agree here.

Again, not sure how old both of you are, but nobody's type gives them carte-blanche to insist people put up with their crap.

If he's not willing to adjust, move on.


If you feel that his withholding is a major concern to you, you have to let him know, more than once, and be direct.

 

[aerogirl]

Impossible?

One an ISTJ says a relationship is over, is there any way to win them back or is it forever?

I still like my ex I really want to make things work.

 

[haag261390]

One an ISTJ says a relationship is over, is there any way to win them back or is it forever?

I still like my ex I really want to make things work.

most likely not.

 

[aerogirl]

Ah okay.

 

[Habba]

ISTJs can be quite stubborn sometimes.. but what's the harm trying anyways?

 

[raz]

I'm kind of caught in the middle of the trying to win back an ISTJ boyfriend thing. I've known this ESFJ 17 year old that lives in Florida for a year. I'm 23 and live in NC. A mutual friend of ours I've known for 10 years gave her my phone number one day to text me to help her with some family issues. We texted only until around December when we started calling. Once we started talking on the phone, our casual friendship quickly escalated to very sexual.

We had fun talking on the phone and made plans for me to see her for Valentine's Day, but I found out a few weeks before hand that she lied to me about the amount of guys she slept with, and then some other things, so I broke off the relationship, and then her friendship with our mutual friend broke off because she lied to her also. We later found out she slept with our friend's ex-boyfriend.

So, I stopped talking to her for a month, and she texted me out of the blue a few days ago. She said she realized she was dumb and blind, and wanted to repair her friendships, and correct the things people thought wrongly about her. She said she never slept with the people I was told about and that it was a lie, and said she wanted to gain back my trust, getting to know me better.

Our mutual friend is getting married in 2 weeks, and I'm going down there for the wedding, meeting them both for the first time ever in person. I met the bride online and she's been my best friend even though we've never met. My opinion of the thing with the 17 year old, is that I jumped to a lot of conclusions and the nature of a long distance relationship means I didn't have much of a basis for my knowledge of what she was doing. It was all hearsay.

Right now, I'm just playing it by ear, and I forgave her for what she did, telling her it was okay as long as she realized what she did wrong and wanted to work to do better. I'll see how things go at the wedding, but I'm not expecting or forcing anything. I'll just let what happens....happen. Though, getting laid wouldn't hurt.

 

[IZthe411]

One an ISTJ says a relationship is over, is there any way to win them back or is it forever?

I still like my ex I really want to make things work.

Yeah what we say are usually a reflection of what we have put together inside, most times after long deliberations. It's not an absolute; you might have a chance. You know your circumstances better than us, so if you think you might have a second chance, take it!

 

[aerogirl]

Cool thanks a lot! I'm not quite sure if I have a second chance or not. Right now I'm just giving him a lot of space and keeping myself occupied with other important things. There is always plenty to do (school, work, etc). I just really care about him.

I asked him once what he thinks I should work on at one point but he didn't give me an answer so I dropped the subject. He believes that long term relationships are to work naturally and fluently between two people. That would be ideal, but I believe that any long term relationship despite compatibility does involve some form of work and compromising to a degree.

Hm let's see. We stopped being official about a year ago, but still would sleep and cuddle together, as well as go on little dates. In August I did decide to stop sleeping with him because we were not in a relationship anymore. I'm assuming at this point he is over it. I do know he is not dating anyone else right now because he told me so.

Anyways though, my question is this: If you were in my ex's situation and still have feelings for the ex-girlfriend, what could she do to make it easier for you? Or what could she do to ensure your happiness?

Even if the answer is something really negative that's fine. I would rather be realistic about it. I honestly just want him to be happy.

 

[IZthe411]

Cool thanks a lot! I'm not quite sure if I have a second chance or not. Right now I'm just giving him a lot of space and keeping myself occupied with other important things. There is always plenty to do (school, work, etc). I just really care about him.

I asked him once what he thinks I should work on at one point but he didn't give me an answer so I dropped the subject. He believes that long term relationships are to work naturally and fluently between two people. That would be ideal, but I believe that any long term relationship despite compatibility does involve some form of work and compromising to a degree.

Hm let's see. We stopped being official about a year ago, but still would sleep and cuddle together, as well as go on little dates. In August I did decide to stop sleeping with him because we were not in a relationship anymore. I'm assuming at this point he is over it. I do know he is not dating anyone else right now because he told me so.

Anyways though, my question is this: If you were in my ex's situation and still have feelings for the ex-girlfriend, what could she do to make it easier for you? Or what could she do to ensure your happiness?

Even if the answer is something really negative that's fine. I would rather be realistic about it. I honestly just want him to be happy.

How old are you both?

What is your MBTI type?


How sure are you that he still has feelings for you? It sounds like he broke up with you. If that's the case, he's probably sure in his decision. Most of the times, when an ISTJ says something, they mean it, unless it's some kind of emotional outburst. But based on your circumstances of still sleeping together and fooling around, it sounds like you were transferred from girlfriend to FWB. In his mind, there was something that wasn't working on that most intimate level between you and him.

What were the issues that you and he kept discussing? What were the things that he complained about? Were they things that were part of your personality (you know, things you couldn't help, like being introverted or very abstract in thought), or were they things that you could help, but felt that he just had to accept (maybe you wore too much black)? You have to recognize the things that led him to break up. If they were things you could change, then maybe in the future when you have both matured, you'll have another shot. But if they relate to aspects of your personality, then it's better to cut your losses and keep moving. He may or may not change in that respect.

 

[aerogirl]

Honestly, I am an ENFP...

I think that says enough about the situation right there. My results are not always consistant when I take that MB test. Without fail I am an extrovert and a feeler, however the other two letters (S/N and P/J) are almost perfectly balanced. I am more of an E(S/N)F(P/J) but that is not a category

We are both 20.

Hm, I'm trying to think about the issues. I wasn't lazy or too laid back or anything. I like to be on time to things and enjoy cleaning and knowing where my things are. I love to dance and have fun... he complained once that I was too spontaneous for him... which yea, that may be true!

Haha no I don't wear too much black. He always complimented me on how I look, dress, and carry myself.

He told me after I decided to stop sleeping with him that he still has feelings for me, but not feelings like he wants to date. He wouldn't tell me the reasons why we don't work so I dropped the subject.

I think I should just continue to move on. I don't think I can re-spark his interest again once he's decided he doesn't want to date. But at least I learned a lot from the experience.

 

[miss fortune]

do all ISTJs live in dread fear of someone they aren't REALLY close too drinking out of thier glass or less than immaculate silverwear in resteraunts, or is it just mine?

 

[Cimarron]

do all ISTJs live in dread fear of someone they aren't REALLY close too drinking out of thier glass or less than immaculate silverwear in resteraunts, or is it just mine?

I pretty much do, yeah. It's not "dread fear," but it is gross and I don't allow people to do it. If a family member tries some food with a fork, then hands me the fork and says, "Try it, it's good!" I just respond, "...You used that fork."