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  1. #1
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Oct 2008

    Default Need help with an ESFJ...

    I work with this ESFJ chick. She's really awesome. Got me out of my shell and I'm really glad we are friends. But I'm at a loss of how to comfort her. I feel kind of helpless in giving her advice because everything I say that makes sense to me is something that "she can't do" and I feel like I'm not making anything better.

    We both have two jobs. The one we have in common is pretty frustrating. The management is not making good decisions for anyone - staff or patrons or themselves. I put in my two weeks notice. I'm done with it.

    She is sticking around but getting super stressed out that they rely on her to keep the place running. I tell her that the place needs her more than she needs them and that she's got the control. If she needs a day off - tell them. Demand it. She says "I can't do that. They need me."

    She complains about how this place isn't getting on the ball and hiring people to cover these shifts that she's trying to cover. I tell her again, "If you've already talked to them about it and nothing is happened then force them to realize they need more people. Don't show up when they try to call you in."

    She's done a lot for me and is a true friend. However, she's always saying things like, "I try to make everyone else happy. When is it my turn?" But when I tell her to take a day off and tell that job, "Too bad. I'm not coming in. I need a break." She won't do it. I tell her that she's burning herself out and it's not healthy. I don't really know what else to do. Just keep listening? I don't understand why she feels so unhappy and stuck but yet won't DO anything about it. I guess because she's fearful of hurting their feelings but they're not exactly being fair to her. Dunno. Any suggestions from ESFJ's or others on how to be of assistance?

  2. #2
    Senior Member Saslou's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2009


    Awww, bless.

    Speaking from my experience only.

    Not a word you say will make any difference and unfortunately as i like to 'fix' problems including incompetent managers inadequacies, i just take the workload personally and as you say 'burn the candle from both ends'.

    If someone slacks i will pick up the pressure and work harder as i want to get out on time .. but unfortunately that is where i am called a martyr (Arghhhh). I don't mean for it to come across that way and i never complain unless i am at breaking point. Then it's watch out as Sas is on the warpath

    She can only help herself unfortunately. Just be there for her when she gets out of work and help her relax and have a laugh about something/anything.
    “I made you take time to look at what I saw and when you took time to really notice my flower, you hung all your associations with flowers on my flower and you write about my flower as if I think and see what you think and see—and I don't.”
    ― Georgia O'Keeffe

  3. #3
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Oct 2008


    Thanks Sas!

    Appreciate it. Now that I know that nothing I do will change or fix anything. I'm content just to be her shoulder to complain on...

  4. #4
    No moss growing on me Giggly's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2008
    2 sx/so


    Yeah, I'm thinking she won't listen to reason and will have to just burn herself out. When that does happen, she will be really dejected and worn out and will need you as a friend the most. She'll need to pick herself up and might need someone to lean on for emotional support. That's when good friends like you become invaluable to help her get her self-confidence back.

    Whatever happens, good luck!

  5. #5
    Senior Member wrldisquiethere's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2009


    I have been through all of that. It's an extremely frustrating place for an ESFJ to be in, because we carry around such a heavy sense of duty all the time. We also have a tendency to feel taken for granted quite often. It is hard being caught between those two things.

    The only thing I can think of that might actually help her is if you were to appeal to her sense of duty toward other things. Is she neglecting any other duties because of all the time she is spending on her job? Personally that's what would make me decide to just leave...if I felt my duty toward my job was keeping me from fulfilling other responsibilities in my life.

    Chances are she just wants you to listen, though.
    Si, Fe equal Fi & Ti

    "I had a bag of Fritos, they were Texas grilled Fritos. These Fritos had grill marks on them. They remind me of summer, when we used to fire up the barbeque and throw down some Fritos. I can still see my dad with the apron on. Better flip that Frito, dad, you know how I like it." -Mitch Hedberg

  6. #6
    Senior Member Lambchop's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2009


    Maybe you could do something nice for her? Such as a gift certificate for a day spa (if she likes those kinds of things) or something just for herself? I'm not an ESFJ, but I like to lose myself in books. If she reads, maybe she would like a new book to lose herself in?

    Or maybe take her to a funny movie? Or out for a drink...where she can loosen up and have a good time (it might help with her stress level), of course that's if she drinks? Or maybe a nice card that says "Hang in there!"

    When one of my friends is upset and there isn't anything I can do about it...I will just generally try to be supportive -- like it sounds like you are being.

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