[ISTJ] regrets for an ISTJ (sleeping with one's ex)

[Usehername]

I tend to live orderly, eat healthy, work hard, go to the gym at least four times per week. In the weekends I allow myself to let go and drink with my friends. It seems then I get to the opposite of my character, I let go, cross borders, go all the way.
Past friday I ended up with someone's ex-girlfriend and spend the night with her after a party. I know her ex for like two years, and they have been separated ever since. When she invited me in, I told her: I don't think that is a good idea, I should go now. She replied: but we can only talk and sleep. Well, that sounded reasonable. One thing led to another, borders were crossed.

The day after, the feeling over regrets were just overwhelming. My core value is loyalty & responsibility. But the things I have done were quite the opposite. I have called her ex-boyfriend and told him about what happened. He is all but happy and he has his reasons too. I took full responsibility.

I feel bad, normally I seldom regret things because my choices are logical and rational. When I let things go, things are quite the opposite. I feel bad for her ex. But also because I fear for my reputation. I have broken with my core values, this is so not me.

Anyone resembles this? Anyone, offer me some support

ITA with ThatGirl.

You say they've been broken up for years (plural), i.e. their lives are separate and distinct now, and yet you feel comfortable confiding intimate facts about her for the sake of alleviating your own guilt?

All of your feelings talk about conflicts with your abstract morals, your interal values, your ideals...

What about the concrete and very real ways in which she is now betrayed? Did you even talk this over with her before you picked up the phone to deal with your own self-involved feelings, blabbing about her personal choices? Maybe she had different feelings than you and thought it was a good thing.

I cannot imagine being more betrayed than having someone expose intimate facts about me to someone who I closed off from that area of my life a long time ago, yet all of your post revolves around your own feelings and only considering the guy who frankly has no business knowing about her sex life if she doesn't want him to know.

 

[Dizzy]

ITA with ThatGirl.

You say they've been broken up for years (plural), i.e. their lives are separate and distinct now, and yet you feel comfortable confiding intimate facts about her for the sake of alleviating your own guilt?

All of your feelings talk about conflicts with your abstract morals, your interal values, your ideals...

What about the concrete and very real ways in which she is now betrayed? Did you even talk this over with her before you picked up the phone to deal with your own self-involved feelings, blabbing about her personal choices? Maybe she had different feelings than you and thought it was a good thing.

I cannot imagine being more betrayed than having someone expose intimate facts about me to someone who I closed off from that area of my life a long time ago, yet all of your post revolves around your own feelings and only considering the guy who frankly has no business knowing about her sex life if she doesn't want him to know.

I think being open is the best thing, I mean he would have found it out anyway. Some peepz saw us leaving together. And yes I did talk it through with her, she thought this was best too. Well you bring an interesting perspective...

 

[Usehername]

I think being open is the best thing, I mean he would have found it out anyway. Some peepz saw us leaving together. And yes I did talk it through with her, she thought this was best too. Well you bring an interesting perspective...

I didn't mean to slam you, only from your words, it seemed like you weren't thinking of her at all. As long as she was on the same page, that's cool, but if you didn't check, that's not cool.

 

[FDG]

Well, I can't see the big problem. They have been separated for 2 years, it's quite a long time. You just shouldn't have told him, probably she wouldn't have disclosed everything, and everybody could have lived happily thereafter.

 

[Saslou]

Oh bless you.

Now you know if a girl offers you to come inside to talk and sleep, you know she has other ideas .. Talk, f*ck, then sleep. lol

You're human, put it in perspective and move on. No big deal.

 

[poppy]

I used to have a friend who would spend a lot of time ruminating about his most recent mistake.
Then one time, I accidentally (and rather tactlessly) said "You know, you've done worse".

Sometimes it helps to put things in perspective.

 

[Habba]

You say they've been broken up for years (plural), i.e. their lives are separate and distinct now

I think this is the interesting part. Two years in separation is a separation! Whatever happens after two years of separation is none of the exs' problems.

If I would hook up with someone's ex, I wouldn't tell him. Not because I would be trying to hide anything, but because it's none of their business. ISTJs might feel bad if one of their friends would hook up with their ex, but that's really because of ISTJs common inability to let go of the past.

So if that guy got upset because of someone he knew was with his ex, then it's his attitude problem, not your loyalty problem.

So, in my personal opinion, you have done nothing wrong, except brought the issue on your friend. He didn't need to know. It's really a matter between you and the girl.

But for ISTJ's sense of loyalty. It goes incredible distances.

 

[Laurie]

I personally think it was fucked up and disrespectful for you to disclose someone else's (the girl) sex life, by telling your friends what happened.

Lol, no one is even asking about how she took all this.

+1

 

[Fluffywolf]

I don't see what ex's have to do with other peoples sexlife. If you regret having sex it's your problem, but what does the ex-boyfriend have to do with it. *confused*

 

[Salt n' pepper]

I don't see what ex's have to do with other peoples sexlife. If you regret having sex it's your problem, but what does the ex-boyfriend have to do with it. *confused*

Since they are close friends, it's kind of disrespectful. However, I'm completely with you on your "moral-logic".

 

[Dizzy]

Thing is he would have found it out anyway, it's like unavoidable. Imagine then how he would feel, things would be much worse...

Still think this is the best thing...

 

[Lambchop]

I think this is the interesting part. Two years in separation is a separation! Whatever happens after two years of separation is none of the exs' problems.

If I would hook up with someone's ex, I wouldn't tell him. Not because I would be trying to hide anything, but because it's none of their business. ISTJs might feel bad if one of their friends would hook up with their ex, but that's really because of ISTJs common inability to let go of the past.

So if that guy got upset because of someone he knew was with his ex, then it's his attitude problem, not your loyalty problem.

So, in my personal opinion, you have done nothing wrong, except brought the issue on your friend. He didn't need to know. It's really a matter between you and the girl.

But for ISTJ's sense of loyalty. It goes incredible distances.

I agree with Habba here.

You are being too hard on yourself! It's good to hold yourself to high standards, but everyone makes mistakes. I found it funny that you needed to point out the things you usually have under control, like working out. Life is messy...you can't control everything all the time. Even if you regret it (which I think you have no reason to...it's none of their business) and stepped outside the boundaries you set for yourself, you did what you thought was right to rectify it...so let it go. The manipulative text needs to be ignored. It happened...it's over..don't waste your time feeling bad. You are still a good person.

 

[Dizzy]

hehe thanks, slowly but surely start to feel better...
I talked to the girl today, she's doing ok, kinda upset that her ex is making a big deal of things. She told me she'd would consider a repetition, if things weren't so complicated. I was wise enough not to answer...

like the replies and the different angles!

 

[Totenkindly]

I know her ex, he's a friend of friends, know him pretty well, meet him every other week on these parties. I know the both of them since they are apart. I know since they broke up they still met occasionally, but that has ended for as far as I know.
Anyway just got this text message: lost my best friend (her), she is not slut you can take whenever you feel like it...
PFff

I'm sorry. That seems horribly unfair.

I have enough close relationships with ISxJ people that I "get it" and have a feel for it even though I don't understand it, especially with the sense that you felt like as long as you controlled the situation you were good, and as soon as you let go, look what happened, so you should never let go again.

But honestly, she made decisions and you made decisions.
You are not responsible for her decisions.
You just are responsible for what you choose... and she choose to involve you in this way, so now it's her issue to work out with her ex.

have to admit that his text response sounds rather admonishing to you, not just to her. Since they're "exes", technically his opinions have no bearing on who she chooses to involve herself with.