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[ISFJ] ISFJ's and jealousy

SubjectA

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164
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INTJ
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So last night I was talking to a friend of mine online, who happens to be a guy. My ISFJ looked over my shoulder and asked, "Oh, is that your boyfriend?" I didn't really think he was being serious, but I said "Of course not. He's a friend." He still acted a little huffy for the rest of the night, but I couldn't tell if he was serious about it or not.

He didn't even want me touching him for the rest of the night, though he still talked to me as usual. He also grumbled something about me ignoring him and talking to my "boyfriend." I continued to explain that this guy was only a friend. And here I am still very confused.

This morning was a bit better. He was back to wanting to cuddle and be close. So I guess I feel a bit more relieved now, but still a little confused.

So is it typical for an ISFJ to get jealous easily? Any advice on dealing with this or explaining it?
 

Lightning_Rider

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Nov 2, 2008
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94
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ISFJ
I think naturally, it's easy for them to get jealous. Because they like constant affirmation and affection, when they see someone else getting attention (particularly another person of the same gender with their SO) they make comparisons and feel like they should be the ones receiving the attention. Of course, ISFJ's need to learn to control this tendency if present and realise that not every person that you talk to means that you are replacing them.

But I do think it would be a common thing in ISFJ's and that they have to learn to realise this and get over it/control it. Just make sure you show him lots of affirmation of his own afterwards.
 

Saslou

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Hope you don't mind me answering.

With my ex, i was never jealous when he went out of an evening. I was not jealous of the female attention he received in public or at work.

It was the internet where i got jealous. Being an INTJ he couldn't see when girls were hitting on him. He loved the attention to his ego. Also when i would walk into the room he would x the msn message box. No trust.

On one occasion when i was so jealous as he wanted to meet her in Amstadam so she could show him the sights, i got a key logger and put it on the computer. Call it intuition. Caught him red handed crossing the boundaries.

Never mind. :blush:
 

kyuuei

Emperor/Dictator
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enfp
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Wait. you like cuddling? :sick:
 

Totenkindly

@.~*virinaĉo*~.@
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BELF
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sx/sp
I think naturally, it's easy for them to get jealous. Because they like constant affirmation and affection, when they see someone else getting attention (particularly another person of the same gender with their SO) they make comparisons and feel like they should be the ones receiving the attention.

This part.

What about social expectations and inherent role dynamics?

I.e., if I am the significant other in your life, then there are certain behaviors and privileges attached to that role that are not part of other roles (friends, parents, siblings, coworkers, etc.) and perhaps if you enact behavior that the ISFJ believes is part and parcel of the SO role, then feathers get ruffled?

... sorry if I did not word this coherently, I feel like I could have worded it better but can't think of it right now.
 

Rachelinpa

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878
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ENFP
My ISFJ doesn't verbalize his jealousy if he is. He said he used to be a lot more that way, but he's learned how to control it.
 

SubjectA

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Hope you don't mind me answering.

With my ex, i was never jealous when he went out of an evening. I was not jealous of the female attention he received in public or at work.

It was the internet where i got jealous. Being an INTJ he couldn't see when girls were hitting on him. He loved the attention to his ego. Also when i would walk into the room he would x the msn message box. No trust.

On one occasion when i was so jealous as he wanted to meet her in Amstadam so she could show him the sights, i got a key logger and put it on the computer. Call it intuition. Caught him red handed crossing the boundaries.

Never mind. :blush:

I think I see what you're saying. Perhaps as we were having a friendly conversation he saw that as flirting (even though I really wasn't)? I know sometimes he goes on and on about the intentions of someone else, and more often than not he is correct about it. Hmmm... Perhaps my friend really was flirting and I didn't see it?

Either way, I wish I could just make him see that it wasn't flirting. *sigh*

Wait. you like cuddling? :sick:

Is that a problem?
 

KarenParker

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Mar 3, 2009
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319
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ESFP
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7
So last night I was talking to a friend of mine online, who happens to be a guy. My ISFJ looked over my shoulder and asked, "Oh, is that your boyfriend?" I didn't really think he was being serious, but I said "Of course not. He's a friend." He still acted a little huffy for the rest of the night, but I couldn't tell if he was serious about it or not.

He didn't even want me touching him for the rest of the night, though he still talked to me as usual. He also grumbled something about me ignoring him and talking to my "boyfriend." I continued to explain that this guy was only a friend. And here I am still very confused.

This morning was a bit better. He was back to wanting to cuddle and be close. So I guess I feel a bit more relieved now, but still a little confused.

So is it typical for an ISFJ to get jealous easily? Any advice on dealing with this or explaining it?

Like a typical INTJ you're missing the obvious point! (that's a joke) The ISFJ isn't so upset because you were talking to someone of the opposite sex, it's that you were ignoring him to talk to someone else of the opposite sex. Just because he acted better in the morning, don't assume that means he's totally fine with it. I would reassure him that you won't ignore him to talk to people of the opposite sex anymore and then make good on that but let him know that he needs to trust you and try to remember not to take things you do so personally because you don't mean it like that at all. Even if you don't believe you were doing that (which is entirely possible) that's how he perceived it. So you should both try to accommodate each other.
 

Saslou

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I think I see what you're saying. Perhaps as we were having a friendly conversation he saw that as flirting (even though I really wasn't)? I know sometimes he goes on and on about the intentions of someone else, and more often than not he is correct about it. Hmmm... Perhaps my friend really was flirting and I didn't see it?

Either way, I wish I could just make him see that it wasn't flirting. *sigh*

But it never bothered me that he was being friendly, even flirting with girls.
It bothered me that he was being secretive about it. Like he had something to hide.
If you're being honest and open with your partner, then i don't see why he should have issues with it.

Curious now.. How long you have you been dating him?
 

Lightning_Rider

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Like a typical INTJ you're missing the obvious point! (that's a joke) The ISFJ isn't so upset because you were talking to someone of the opposite sex, it's that you were ignoring him to talk to someone else of the opposite sex. Just because he acted better in the morning, don't assume that means he's totally fine with it. I would reassure him that you won't ignore him to talk to people of the opposite sex anymore and then make good on that but let him know that he needs to trust you and try to remember not to take things you do so personally because you don't mean it like that at all. Even if you don't believe you were doing that (which is entirely possible) that's how he perceived it. So you should both try to accommodate each other.

I think this is a good idea, I think I would appreciate this. It's honest, open and straightforward, which ISFJ's usually go for.
 

SubjectA

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But it never bothered me that he was being friendly, even flirting with girls.
It bothered me that he was being secretive about it. Like he had something to hide.
If you're being honest and open with your partner, then i don't see why he should have issues with it.

Curious now.. How long you have you been dating him?

A year and nine months.
 

seeker22

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Apr 14, 2009
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I was together with an ISFJ for five years - lived together in the house we owned and everything... And yes - she was the jealous type. She would go through my email, phone, phone bill, etc. She didn't like me to hang out with friends unless she was also present. When we did go out together she would watch me like a hawk and not like to leave my side. If she did see me talking with someone, she would get really suspicious, upset, and accusatory - in fact she accused me of affairs constantly although I have never ever cheated. She was jealous of everyone - from neighbors, to the mailman, to colleagues, to friends...

I'm not saying that all ISFJs are like this however.
 

BerberElla

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Like a typical INTJ you're missing the obvious point! (that's a joke) The ISFJ isn't so upset because you were talking to someone of the opposite sex, it's that you were ignoring him to talk to someone else of the opposite sex. Just because he acted better in the morning, don't assume that means he's totally fine with it. I would reassure him that you won't ignore him to talk to people of the opposite sex anymore and then make good on that but let him know that he needs to trust you and try to remember not to take things you do so personally because you don't mean it like that at all. Even if you don't believe you were doing that (which is entirely possible) that's how he perceived it. So you should both try to accommodate each other.


Wait, am I missreading this, or are you advising her to pander to his jealousy? :shock:

She was talking to a male friend online, this is something that could happen again, whilst he is there, to make good on her promise not to ignore him to talk to someone else of the opposite sex, I presume she would have to not talk to her male freind, which is pandering to a jealousy that shouldn't be pandered to.

You say they should both try to accomodate each other, which I agree with, but in your advice I only see what accomodates him, not her.
 

KarenParker

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Wait, am I missreading this, or are you advising her to pander to his jealousy? :shock:

She was talking to a male friend online, this is something that could happen again, whilst he is there, to make good on her promise not to ignore him to talk to someone else of the opposite sex, I presume she would have to not talk to her male freind, which is pandering to a jealousy that shouldn't be pandered to.

You say they should both try to accomodate each other, which I agree with, but in your advice I only see what accomodates him, not her.

It's the ignoring part that's key here. I wasn't suggesting he not talk to people of the opposite sex anymore. Just try not to ignore her partner to talk to this person.
 

Saslou

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It's the ignoring part that's key here. I wasn't suggesting he not talk to people of the opposite sex anymore. Just try not to ignore her partner to talk to this person.

I am sorry but does anyone else see a problem with the bolded sentence.

I don't think anyone should behave that way. That is showing some serious insecurities and trust issues.
In a sense you do ignore (that is an incorrect word for this situation) your partner when talking to someone else because the other person has your undivided attention. You shouldn't have to please someone else all the time.
Isn't that give and take. And respect.
 

ceecee

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It was the internet where i got jealous. Being an INTJ he couldn't see when girls were hitting on him. He loved the attention to his ego. Also when i would walk into the room he would x the msn message box. No trust.

I do this and have always done this no matter who I am talking to. The reason is that I may be conversing with someone about something in confidence. I think it would be just as bad for someone to walk by and read the conversation when the person confiding in me has no idea it was just breached. I'm not insecure so I can't understand it being an issue. It is a blanket policy I have with IM conversations so if that lead my SO instantaneously connect minimizing the window to having no trust then there are much bigger issues afloat.
 

Saslou

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I do this and have always done this no matter who I am talking to. The reason is that I may be conversing with someone about something in confidence. I think it would be just as bad for someone to walk by and read the conversation when the person confiding in me has no idea it was just breached. I'm not insecure so I can't understand it being an issue. It is a blanket policy I have with IM conversations so if that lead my SO instantaneously connect minimizing the window to having no trust then there are much bigger issues afloat.


I wouldn't sit there and watch the conversation unfolding. There wasn't a lot of transparency though. He just liked female attention.

Never mind.
;)
 

BerberElla

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I am sorry but does anyone else see a problem with the bolded sentence.

I don't think anyone should behave that way. That is showing some serious insecurities and trust issues.
In a sense you do ignore (that is an incorrect word for this situation) your partner when talking to someone else because the other person has your undivided attention. You shouldn't have to please someone else all the time.
Isn't that give and take. And respect.


I agree. :yes:

I've have pandered to a mans insecurities before, and it never ever appeases them, they never ever grow out of or learn to trust you, they just keep on taking and taking until there is no you, just them left.
 

FDG

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I do this and have always done this no matter who I am talking to. The reason is that I may be conversing with someone about something in confidence. I think it would be just as bad for someone to walk by and read the conversation when the person confiding in me has no idea it was just breached. I'm not insecure so I can't understand it being an issue. It is a blanket policy I have with IM conversations so if that lead my SO instantaneously connect minimizing the window to having no trust then there are much bigger issues afloat.

I don't believe that there are necessarily bigger issues. It is kind of bad, no matter how one tries to rationalize it.
 

Giggly

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I can be jealous and possessive at times.
 
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