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[ISFJ] ISFJs thoughts on intimacy

KarenParker

New member
Joined
Mar 3, 2009
Messages
319
MBTI Type
ESFP
Enneagram
7
When I say intimacy I mean bondedness, closeness, romance, etc. If you are an ISFJ or know an ISFJ, in general, what are other ISFJs like when it comes to intimacy?
 

Stanton Moore

morose bourgeoisie
Joined
Mar 4, 2009
Messages
3,900
MBTI Type
INFP
I'm dating an INFJ. She's very touchy-feely and grabs my package in public. I guess that's intimacy.
 

Giggly

No moss growing on me
Joined
Jun 12, 2008
Messages
9,661
MBTI Type
iSFj
Enneagram
2
Instinctual Variant
sx/so
I think I work towards intimacy without thinking. I'd feel out of sorts without intimacy. It's interesting that make the distinction between passion and intimacy. I think you are right and yeah they are often confused and/or substituted for each other.
 

Lightning_Rider

New member
Joined
Nov 2, 2008
Messages
94
MBTI Type
ISFJ
Well personally, I like intimacy and would try to cultivate it in a relationship. And I like all of those words you said in your first phrase.
 

Eiddy

Pronounced eye-ee-dee
Joined
Apr 20, 2009
Messages
757
MBTI Type
DEAD
Enneagram
1w2
I also love intimacy, but it has to be cultivated before passion comes along or else it would just be considered lust.

Intimacy, for me, is being close without sexual connotations. It's just basic cuddling up beside someone, having a meaningful conversation, or spending some quiet time with a SO. Sex is something else entirely, at least for me it is.
 

SubjectA

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Jul 17, 2009
Messages
164
MBTI Type
INTJ
Enneagram
1
I get asked a lot of questions regarding my feelings or what I'm thinking. He said that he wants me to open up to him more. It's very very hard for me to do because I hate feeling vulnerable to anyone, but I'm learning. I just wish he'd do the same.
 

Saslou

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Joined
Feb 1, 2009
Messages
4,910
MBTI Type
ESFJ
Bondedness - Sitting in a room and not having to speak. Going to the chemist for medicine when i am poorly. Bouncing ideas off each other and not taking offence.

Closeness - Stroking your hand, resting my head on your lap. cuddling in bed. A kiss before we part.

Romance - Going out for a meal. Buying a practical gift for no reason other than i saw it and thought of you.

You pretty such get all the above immediately with me. Although the closeness may take a little longer than the other 2.
Like Eiddy said though about the sex. Although it has elements of the above, it is still seperate.
 

KarenParker

New member
Joined
Mar 3, 2009
Messages
319
MBTI Type
ESFP
Enneagram
7
I also love intimacy, but it has to be cultivated before passion comes along or else it would just be considered lust.

Intimacy, for me, is being close without sexual connotations. It's just basic cuddling up beside someone, having a meaningful conversation, or spending some quiet time with a SO. Sex is something else entirely, at least for me it is.

See I want intimacy in sex. I think sex is best when you do it to get closer, more bonded, express how you feel about each other, slow and heavy emotionally. I mean, sex that has a lot of passion of course is great but I find it interesting that for you it's totally separate.
 

KarenParker

New member
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Mar 3, 2009
Messages
319
MBTI Type
ESFP
Enneagram
7
I get asked a lot of questions regarding my feelings or what I'm thinking. He said that he wants me to open up to him more. It's very very hard for me to do because I hate feeling vulnerable to anyone, but I'm learning. I just wish he'd do the same.

Yes INTJs really don't like to be vulnerable and express their emotions. Often times, I think they really couldn't tell you what they're feeling. But part of the joy of having feelings is the reward you get from expressing them and being vulnerable. It enriches your relationship and makes you feel the good feelings.
 

KarenParker

New member
Joined
Mar 3, 2009
Messages
319
MBTI Type
ESFP
Enneagram
7
bondedness - feeling like you belong with that other person and they belong to you. A mutual emotional attachment and affection.

closeness - mutual emotional vulnerability

romance - doing sweet things for each other to express how you feel about each other in a symbolic way
 

Saslou

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Feb 1, 2009
Messages
4,910
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ESFJ
Yes INTJs really don't like to be vulnerable and express their emotions. Often times, I think they really couldn't tell you what they're feeling. But part of the joy of having feelings is the reward you get from expressing them and being vulnerable. It enriches your relationship and makes you feel the good feelings.

+1.
NTJ's can express themselves (never saw the vulnerability though myself until the end) but its just different from the way we do it. One is not necessarily better than the other. :)
 

SubjectA

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Jul 17, 2009
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164
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INTJ
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1
+1.
NTJ's can express themselves (never saw the vulnerability though myself until the end) but its just different from the way we do it. One is not necessarily better than the other. :)

That's true. More often than not our feelings are translated into thoughts. You'll more than likely hear me say "I think..." instead of "I feel..." It only becomes a problem when we don't know why we're feeling the way we are and therefore, can't translate those feelings.

I don't know about other rationals but when I let my raw feelings speak for me, I tend to say things I quickly regret. :doh:
 

Saslou

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ESFJ
That's true. More often than not our feelings are translated into thoughts. You'll more than likely hear me say "I think..." instead of "I feel..." It only becomes a problem when we don't know why we're feeling the way we are and therefore, can't translate those feelings.

I don't know about other rationals but when I let my raw feelings speak for me, I tend to say things I quickly regret. :doh:


That is exactly what i have learnt from this site. Being with my ex (INTJ) for 6years, things were never expressed so although he said 'i love you' .. there was never anything else, so naturally you start questioning.
Best example i can give - Just as the relationship was ending, i said to him, you never openly expressed how you felt about me', he gave me an example, 'Sarah, you hated making the children's sandwiches for school (this is true), i made those sandwiches for you for the kids because i knew you didn't like doing it AND because i love you, i express my feelings through my actions, not my words' .. Damn, if only that was explained years sooner, then i wouldn't of been on his case all the time.

Would you talk to your partner though when you don't know why you are feeling whatever feeling it is .. Or do you need time out to process the feelings alone? I have heard that INTJ's take ownership of their own feelings and thoughts and this is maybe why they can seen as somewhat distant sometimes in relationships. What are your thoughts?
 

SubjectA

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Jul 17, 2009
Messages
164
MBTI Type
INTJ
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1
That is exactly what i have learnt from this site. Being with my ex (INTJ) for 6years, things were never expressed so although he said 'i love you' .. there was never anything else, so naturally you start questioning.
Best example i can give - Just as the relationship was ending, i said to him, you never openly expressed how you felt about me', he gave me an example, 'Sarah, you hated making the children's sandwiches for school (this is true), i made those sandwiches for you for the kids because i knew you didn't like doing it AND because i love you, i express my feelings through my actions, not my words' .. Damn, if only that was explained years sooner, then i wouldn't of been on his case all the time.

Would you talk to your partner though when you don't know why you are feeling whatever feeling it is .. Or do you need time out to process the feelings alone? I have heard that INTJ's take ownership of their own feelings and thoughts and this is maybe why they can seen as somewhat distant sometimes in relationships. What are your thoughts?

Most of the time we need to reach these conclusions on our own. It's extremely difficult to try to explain something that doesn't even make sense to you.
 

Saslou

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Feb 1, 2009
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4,910
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ESFJ
Most of the time we need to reach these conclusions on our own. It's extremely difficult to try to explain something that doesn't even make sense to you.

For as much as i envey you guys. To not know why i feel the way i do. I supose there are some blessings for being SJ's then. :hug:
 

seeker22

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Apr 14, 2009
Messages
173
MBTI Type
XNTJ
The ISFJ I was with for five years had a tough time with emotional intimacy. She tended to keep things bottled up inside. It made it difficult to feel emotionally close to her because her guard was always up, emotions walled off. She also did not display much facial affect in the way of emotions, except for sulky/angry when she would get upset at me for not cleaning.

I felt like she was more in the role of *helpmate* (tasks) than *emotionally intimate* or *mindmate.*

She showed her love through *doing* not *saying* or providing *feedback* or *intellectual engagement* which for me as an ENFP was difficult because we do need *at least* some verbal feedback/exchange to thrive it seems.

Sometimes I didn't even know something had upset her - it's like she would silently collect incidents that had upset her and had just *sucked it up* at the moment, but then exploded later on down the line out of the blue over something small because she had failed to address things at the moment they occurred and they consequently built up.

Again, I realize that probably not all ISFJs are this way. But that was my experience.
 
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