[ISFJ] Are ISFJs stubborn?

[KarenParker]

Sometimes I will ask my ISFJ boyfriend to do something like go hang out with some friends with me (which we only do about 25% of the time!) and he will be SO stubborn. No matter what I argue I feel like he isn't REALLY taking it into consideration and he sounds like he absolutely will not go in a million years and I become totally convinced he won't do it. But then when the time comes, he will and he always enjoys himself and tells me how much fun he had! What is UP with that? Is that an ISFJ thing or not?

Drives me NUTS!

 

[Eiddy]

I am totally the same way. I would rather relax at home or do anything than have to hang around with a bunch of people I may or may not hit it off with. We are usually one on one communicators, 3 or more just gets to be overwhelming at times. There may have been times I did have fun after going out. It's just getting us to consider moving out of that comfort zone.

Consider like a nice cozy warm bed on a very cold morning and on top of that you still feel a bit sleepy. Getting us out of that comfort zone we have found ourselves in is hard. I hate more than anything breaks in my routine or being in situations I am unsure of. Anyhow, of course once we are up we are running.

Or consider the case of catching a cold or flu, you feel all crappy after you wake up. Sore throat, cough, slight headache or whatever else, but once you are at work and busy you really don't feel all that sick.

I hope this clears up the misunderstanding on this, since I am sure almost everyone can relate to these type of examples.

 

[Lightning_Rider]

Sounds like an I thing more than an ISFJ thing, but I admit, often I am guilty of this as well.

^ Hey there Eiddy

 

[Eiddy]

Hi LR long time no see. Glad you are back..

 

[Giggly]

I think if you're forcing any introvert to extrovert when they don't want to, then yeah, they will protest, or at the least act really uncomfortable. Have you tried plainly pointing out to him that you have been accommodating to his introverted tendencies but that you also have a need to socialize and want to do that a bit more and want him to be with you? Why does he say he doesn't want to go? Does he like your friends?

 

[KarenParker]

I think if you're forcing any introvert to extrovert when they don't want to, then yeah, they will protest, or at the least act really uncomfortable. Have you tried plainly pointing out to him that you have been accommodating to his introverted tendencies but that you also have a need to socialize and want to do that a bit more and want him to be with you? Why does he say he doesn't want to go? Does he like your friends?

Yeah I point that out to him and he doesn't say anything back which makes me think he knows I'm right. He says he doesn't want to go because he doesn't like to meet strangers, it takes a lot out of him, he's tired, makes him nervous, uncomfortable, blah, blah, blah. He's a complaining MACHINE but when he goes, he usually has a good time and tells me he had a good time. I'm just not sure if I should let him complain and then drop it because he'll come around, or if I should try to talk with him about it and rationalize with him. (for example, telling him that I never ask him to go out and socialize with me)

 

[Lightning_Rider]

I think you just need to strike a balance. You obviously like to go out and be E. He obviously prefers to stay home and be I. I think a bit of compromise on both sides is the answer. As long as you're not going out every night, he should be able to cope with that, and I guess you should be able to also, I suppose depending on his level of I and your level of E of course...

 

[Saslou]

I am going to take a wild guess and say 'YES'. :yim_rolling_on_the_

 

[FDG]

Yeah, they do that. You just need to insist more.

 

[spirilis]

Lol I love being an introvert, I rarely encounter this problem with mine Actually it's worked the other way around once... she wanted to go to this one party but I didn't want to b/c of its location (nasty part of the city), then she explained she wanted to go to show off her hairdo to some of the folks there so I decided OK. Ended up having a great time

 

[Journey]

We are both introverts, me more so than him, so he ends up dragging me out. But once we get there I am content socializing and want to stay and he is ready to leave. So I have to get him involved in a conversation or two before he begins to be comfortable. Then I'm ready to leave, lol. We introverts have a hard time, we just want to hug a hearth with a comfortable few.

 

[substitute]

ISFJ's are easy. You just put them in a position where they have a choice between agreeing to something, or offending people publicly, people they like. That way you both win - you get them to do what you want, and they get to feel like righteous martyrs, which they enjoy more than anything

 

[Totenkindly]

ISFJ's are easy. You just put them in a position where they have a choice between agreeing to something, or offending people publicly, people they like. That way you both win - you get them to do what you want, and they get to feel like righteous martyrs, which they enjoy more than anything

That doesn't work all the time... if their religious values are too strong.
Then there is no compromise possible... although they won't make an ugly scene in public, that would be uncouth.

 

[INTJMom]

Sometimes I will ask my ISFJ boyfriend to do something like go hang out with some friends with me (which we only do about 25% of the time!) and he will be SO stubborn. No matter what I argue I feel like he isn't REALLY taking it into consideration and he sounds like he absolutely will not go in a million years and I become totally convinced he won't do it. But then when the time comes, he will and he always enjoys himself and tells me how much fun he had! What is UP with that? Is that an ISFJ thing or not?

Drives me NUTS!

YES, they can be so stubborn it's enough to drive a person insane.
I'm sure they're not ALL that way.

 

[substitute]

That doesn't work all the time... if their religious values are too strong.
Then there is no compromise possible... although they won't make an ugly scene in public, that would be uncouth.

oh yeah I won't argue with that, when it's deeply held religious stuff. I just meant on a normal day to day sorta thing.

 

[fill]

Yes, yes, yes, and yes.

I have an ISFJ dad, and the points about them holding religious beliefs over anything (there lives, their family's lives, a small town's worth of people...) is spot on. I'm driven insane because my dad will completely reject any argument or question I bring up, and when something happens that proves himself wrong, he'll say, "You know, you were right." He usually says that about a month after I've told him what was in fact "right," and the time spent in between is full of silly details that don't contribute anything to the argument.

I think the biggest pet peeve is when I take something he says and put it in another circumstance to reveal how ridiculous it is and he says, "That's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about _____."

*sigh*

 

[Giggly]

Yeah I point that out to him and he doesn't say anything back which makes me think he knows I'm right. He says he doesn't want to go because he doesn't like to meet strangers, it takes a lot out of him, he's tired, makes him nervous, uncomfortable, blah, blah, blah. He's a complaining MACHINE but when he goes, he usually has a good time and tells me he had a good time. I'm just not sure if I should let him complain and then drop it because he'll come around, or if I should try to talk with him about it and rationalize with him. (for example, telling him that I never ask him to go out and socialize with me)

How often are you wanting him to go out socializing with you? Just curious.

We are both introverts, me more so than him, so he ends up dragging me out. But once we get there I am content socializing and want to stay and he is ready to leave. So I have to get him involved in a conversation or two before he begins to be comfortable. Then I'm ready to leave, lol. We introverts have a hard time, we just want to hug a hearth with a comfortable few.

Hug a hearth. So true. Bless the hearts of those poor ExxPs out there who love us. must be hard for them to deal with.

ISFJ's are easy. You just put them in a position where they have a choice between agreeing to something, or offending people publicly, people they like. That way you both win - you get them to do what you want, and they get to feel like righteous martyrs, which they enjoy more than anything

hahaha too funny.

 

[countrygirl]

Yeah I point that out to him and he doesn't say anything back which makes me think he knows I'm right. He says he doesn't want to go because he doesn't like to meet strangers, it takes a lot out of him, he's tired, makes him nervous, uncomfortable, blah, blah, blah. He's a complaining MACHINE but when he goes, he usually has a good time and tells me he had a good time. I'm just not sure if I should let him complain and then drop it because he'll come around, or if I should try to talk with him about it and rationalize with him. (for example, telling him that I never ask him to go out and socialize with me)

Yes ISFJ can be stubborn. Regarding the highlighted part, that's how it is for me. I tend to think in negatives terms then end up enjoying myself. Maybe you are asking him when he feels tired. Leave an opportunity for him to change his mind without making a fuss because it does depends on how he feels before the actual date.

I personally appreciate it when I can gracefully back out of a social situation without any fuss and it makes it more likely that I will say yes to future dates.

Stepping out of a comfort zone can be mentally challenging at times and it depends on how introverted he is. Striking a balance can be hard but if he has enough 'down time' or time to himself before he socializes with you, then usually there should be no problems.

When it comes to socialization, it is easier to say no first then changing your mind rather than agreeing to go then saying no 'I'm too tired' and disappointing those we love and care about.

 

[KarenParker]

How often are you wanting him to go out socializing with you? Just curious.

Well we only see each other once or twice a week because he works 45 hours a week and is taking 6 credits in school AND we live about an hour and a half away from each other. So I usually do want to spend time alone with him. But if it was always my way, we'd go see friends just about every other week. so maybe twice a month? maybe half of the time we spend together? I just like him to go because I want to share my friends with him. And because I feel like he belongs with us.

 

[SubjectA]

I don't know about all ISFJ's, but my ISFJ bf is VERY stubborn. As soon as we don't see eye to eye on something, it turns from a simple disagreement to a battle of the egos. When you put two personalities who think they are always right together, it can be quite difficult. It seems like I'm usually the one that has to be flexible.

Sometimes I get lucky. We'll drop the subject for a little bit, and suddenly one day I'll find that he actually agrees with me or vice versa.

Though it's annoying, I'm glad that this hasn't caused any serious problems in our relationship thus far. We both want to stay together and work hard to keep it that way.

Originally Posted by KarenParker View Post
Well we only see each other once or twice a week because he works 45 hours a week and is taking 6 credits in school AND we live about an hour and a half away from each other. So I usually do want to spend time alone with him. But if it was always my way, we'd go see friends just about every other week. so maybe twice a month? maybe half of the time we spend together? I just like him to go because I want to share my friends with him. And because I feel like he belongs with us.

That's good that you want him to meet all your friends, but don't do it all at once. Speaking as another introvert, being forced into a social situation with a bunch of strangers is intimidating and mentally exhausting.

Find some middle ground. Let him meet them a couple at a time. If he doesn't want to go out, perhaps you can have him AND a couple friends come over? Whatever you do, don't force him into a huge group where he can't escape. You said that he always says afterward that he enjoyed it, but him being an ISFJ, he might be just saying that so he doesn't hurt your feelings.