[MBTI General] STJ's-Crying/seeing people upset

[d@v3]

Yes, that is what I have perceived, so I shall continue doing it. But, do know that I TRY to avoid violence...but sometimes you just gotta do what you gotta do. But I would never kill anyone..... (who didn't deserve it.) I might SAY I am going to kill them, but you know how that is.

 

[Lexicon]

Aww, such a gentleman.

 

[EJCC]

Serial hugger? ...One who gives painful hugs?

Serial hugger= One who hugs pretty much anybody, whether it's appropriate or not. e.g. They'll hug people they don't even know.
Serial huggers... I've had a few. But seriously, those people got issues.

^Where the heck do YOU live?? What's a painful hug?

When people hug you way too tight/hard, and they're not a very comfortable hugger to begin with (e.g. they're bony). It hurts, physically!

But to get back on task... I agree with pretty much everybody who's posted since I last added anything in. I have definitely had the "who do I need to kill" reaction, but I usually keep it in my mind. (That was how I felt on 9/11, when I saw people crying while watching the news - no joke! ) My general comforting-those-who-cry reaction is total silence, a long hug if they're that sort of person (or some other physical comforting, like a hand on the shoulder), and then an "Is there anything I can do? Just say the word." This whole process consistently feels awkward to me, but hopefully it doesn't to the person I'm comforting.

 

[Giggly]

My tear ducts get good exercise but when people actually want to see me cry I worry that it's because they find some sort of joy in my pain.

 

[raz]

If I cried in front of my ISTJ ex.. he calmly asked who he needed to kill.

Exactly. If someone I truly care about has been hurt, it's like someone is trying to assault me. I forget about the rules or use the rules to get revenge.

 

[LadyJaye]

Exactly. If someone I truly care about has been hurt, it's like someone is trying to assault me. I forget about the rules or use the rules to get revenge.

There was an ISTJ guy I was involved with several years ago - we both worked in the same fabrication shop together. He was a well built guy, but not a big guy, but it didn't stop him from standing down this enormous ox of a man because he didn't want him messing with me. It was quite impressive. lol

 

[Fidelia]

So would you say then that those feelings come out of a sense of loyalty to the person you care about, or more protectiveness of them?

 

[raz]

So would you say then that those feelings come out of a sense of loyalty to the person you care about, or more protectiveness of them?

Time and emotions invested in them causes the sense of loyalty which leads to the protectiveness. They essentially just become a part of us.

 

[d@v3]

Exactly. If someone I truly care about has been hurt, it's like someone is trying to assault me. I forget about the rules or use the rules to get revenge.

I don't know about revenge, Raz. I feel it's more about justice and protection. In Jaye's case, I would not have hesitated to do the same thing her ISTJ did, justice or not.

 

[d@v3]

My tear ducts get good exercise but when people actually want to see me cry I worry that it's because they find some sort of joy in my pain.

What kind of sick person WANTS to see you cry, Hmm? I want names, there WILL be [justice] retribution! :steam: (Unless of course it is girl, then there isn't much I could do except ask "why".)

 

[NewEra]

So would you say then that those feelings come out of a sense of loyalty to the person you care about, or more protectiveness of them?

One word... Justice.

 

[d@v3]

So would you say then that those feelings come out of a sense of loyalty to the person you care about, or more protectiveness of them?

For me, it is Justice and Protectiveness.

 

[Dizzy]

Speaking for myself as an ISTJ, I have troubles helping someone when he/she is crying. I will try to turn the conversation, try subtle jokes, just to make the sadness go away. Knowing for myself that I don't want anyone to see me crying, I then think others must feel the same. I pretend not to notice it, try to move the conversation.
But in a close relationship I am much better to comfort the person. Haven't had a lot of those relationships though...

 

[/DG/]

Speaking for myself as an ISTJ, I have troubles helping someone when he/she is crying. I will try to turn the conversation, try subtle jokes, just to make the sadness go away. Knowing for myself that I don't want anyone to see me crying, I then think others must feel the same. I pretend not to notice it, try to move the conversation.

Yeah, I guess I sort of do the same. Sometimes when people get emotional in front of me I get annoyed. But then I feel bad because I don't really know how to comfort them.

But in a close relationship I am much better to comfort the person. Haven't had a lot of those relationships though...

Yeah. I try to comfort my family members, but no one else is that close to me.


Last year, I remember a time when I was really upset from an event and I had to go somewhere where a lot of people I knew were. I tried to keep myself from crying. Someone I knew came up to me and tried to hug me. Like an asshole, I pushed them off of me and went away from them. I just don't like that sort of thing. :/

 

[Shadow]

I would add that some INTP's seem to be less likely to show emotion than myself, so I can't really speak for all INTP's when I say this, but from my viewpoint crying is a very natural human emotion. I'm not inclined to cry very often, but it does happen from time to time. And if someone around me cries, I want to understand what is going on inside of them so that I can try to be of some comfort. The last thing I would want to do if someone is crying is to turn a cheek or just walk away. That's why I'm interested to know what the thought process is.

I think it's slightly different with me, it's more a case of not wanting to bother them at that moment. When I'm crying I want to be left alone, and it annoys me if people come over and try to speak to me. It's a private moment. However, I realise that most people aren't like that - but I'm still at a loss how to comfort someone. I honestly don't know what you're supposed to do. My natural reaction is to mention practical solutions, but that's not the best thing to do, I know.

Neither of those, really. I am a girl so I think guy STJs are quite different in how they handle emotion.

I disagree. I'm female and not very emotional at all, publicly anyway.


I can comfort my boyfriend, but not anyone else. I don't know why I can't transfer that. Probably because it involves getting a bit closer than you'd get for anyone who's not your SO.

 

[Fidelia]

I think most of the types react differently to their emotions, so part of the problem is that the expected response is different. I very rarely would cry where others could see me and if it happens, it's an involuntary response, not something that can be controlled and it is hidden by me as quickly as possible. If it is someone I don't know whom I am on my way past, I would rather them notice non-verbally (pat on the shoulder maybe, maybe not even that) and let me go mop up. If it is someone very close to me, the worst thing they could do is pretend it's not happening or try to cheer me up before the problem has been talked about. I usually need a chance to say what's going on, just have the person listen and respond supportively and then I improve rather quickly and can solve the problem myself. Maybe it depends whether the person is a thinker or a feeler...

I think one of the main things that makes you feel uncomfortable is knowing what is expected and feeling responsible to somehow fix the situation. In most cases, showing whatever expression of sympathy that comes naturally to you and the ability to listen with undivided attention (without offering solutions) is the most that is needed. You are not expected to do anything to actually fix things.

If you are somehow implicated in the problem, I don't know what works for other types, but for NFs, taking responsibility to bring it up (instead of hoping the other person will forget about it) will earn you all the points in the world. In that case, it is a matter of showing that having things right between you matters to you. In a romantic relationship, not expecting physical affection to resume until the problem has been resolved in some way, is also very important.

 

[EJCC]

These three quotes prove that everyone reacts to their emotions differently:

I am a girl so I think guy STJs are quite different in how they handle emotion.

I disagree. I'm female and not very emotional at all, publicly anyway.

I think most of the types react differently to their emotions, so part of the problem is that the expected response is different.

I'm not as good as you ISTJs at hiding emotion - probably the nature of E vs. I. But I agree with Amira that there's naturally some difference between male and female STJs with regards to handling emotions, at least in the western world. It's a cultural thing - men are expected to never cry, and to "take it like a man" - as well as a hormonal thing. (Unless, say, you're a girl STJ that isn't affected by PMS, in which case you are a lucky biznatch.)

I very rarely would cry where others could see me and if it happens, it's an involuntary response, not something that can be controlled and it is hidden by me as quickly as possible. If it is someone I don't know whom I am on my way past, I would rather them notice non-verbally (pat on the shoulder maybe, maybe not even that) and let me go mop up. If it is someone very close to me, the worst thing they could do is pretend it's not happening or try to cheer me up before the problem has been talked about.

There are two main crying situations that happen with me: crying from being sad (which is rare) and crying from being angry or frustrated (which is why I cry at least 75% of the time). The bolded portion really struck me because it's the exact opposite of how I am when I'm crying from being frustrated. When I'm crying from frustration, if you touch me physically, I'll get mad at you - "Don't touch me!" - and I'll want to be alone, so the best thing you can do is pretend like nothing's happening. I'd prefer that it be ignored, because that way it's easier for me to, if I can't be alone, pretend like I'm alone, so that I can calm down quicker.

 

[Shadow]

I'm not as good as you ISTJs at hiding emotion - probably the nature of E vs. I. But I agree with Amira that there's naturally some difference between male and female STJs with regards to handling emotions, at least in the western world. It's a cultural thing - men are expected to never cry, and to "take it like a man" - as well as a hormonal thing. (Unless, say, you're a girl STJ that isn't affected by PMS, in which case you are a lucky biznatch.)

But that's what I mean... I don't feel I have permission to cry in public or get emotional because I'm the "strong one". I feel like I have to "take it like a man"...despite not being a man. My PMS just makes me really depressed - I start questioning the meaning of life in a big way, but then I realise the cause.

 

[EJCC]

But that's what I mean... I don't feel I have permission to cry in public or get emotional because I'm the "strong one". I feel like I have to "take it like a man"...despite not being a man. My PMS just makes me really depressed - I start questioning the meaning of life in a big way, but then I realise the cause.

I'm sorry, I guess I didn't phrase it clearly (my bad). I'm exactly the same way with regard to wanting to be the "strong one". But when I say "hiding emotions", and that you guys are better at it than me, I mean that sometimes (usually when I have PMS), I get choked up and my voice shakes and even though I refuse to shed tears, I can't hide the rest of the reaction. I don't let it last long - I leave for somewhere private so I can calm down, or I listen to music or something for that same end - but nonetheless. ISTJs are better at it, I think - and guys don't have the whole... estrogen problem. So maybe it's just an ESTJ girl thing. Hm.

 

[Shadow]

I'm sorry, I guess I didn't phrase it clearly (my bad). I'm exactly the same way with regard to wanting to be the "strong one". But when I say "hiding emotions", and that you guys are better at it than me, I mean that sometimes (usually when I have PMS), I get choked up and my voice shakes and even though I refuse to shed tears, I can't hide the rest of the reaction. I don't let it last long - I leave for somewhere private so I can calm down, or I listen to music or something for that same end - but nonetheless. ISTJs are better at it, I think - and guys don't have the whole... estrogen problem. So maybe it's just an ESTJ girl thing. Hm.

One of my ex-housemates was an ESTJ and she was definitely more emotional than me. It was still hidden, but you'd know what she was feeling... although sadness less so. I think she was fine with emotions except ones that made her seem too vulnerable. There always seemed to be something frustrating her Is that just her or an ESTJ thing?
Leaving for somewhere private to indulge in emotion is a general SJ thing I think. Well, not ESFJs.