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[SJ] How do you react to unresolved conflict?

Fidelia

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Does unresolved conflict bother you? If so, how do you deal with it? Do you think SJs would handle it similarly as a whole or slightly differently depending on which of the four types they are?
 

Lightning_Rider

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ISFJ
I don't like it.

Depending on the severity and nature of the conflict, and the subject of course, it will bother me / cause me anxiety until it is resolved. I will usually try and think of ways to resolve it, and it will be one of the things on my mind constantly if the nature of the conflict is important to me. Also, I consciously try and resolve the conflict before an event occurs where I will have to wait to resolve it (ex: if in conflict with a person at work for example [not that I get in conflicts at work :p], I will try resolving it before leaving for the day).

Boo conflict.
 

Matthew_Z

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As an ISTJ semi-perfectionist, I am bothered when a job isn't finished. For me, this usually ends up being the stress that says "Find a solution, Matthew." To deal with it, I plan out what my strategy shall be to deal with this unresolved conflict. After I've figured out the most logical way to resolve the conflict (and put in a bit of effort to make sure this plan can work), my stress level goes back to within normal constraints.

If, for some reason, I can't think of a solution I go into the mode you NEVER want to see an ISTJ in. I experience a fair deal of paranoia and start imagining all of things that could ever go wrong. "No Way Out" syndrome, I suppose.
 

Fidelia

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Interesting. The ISTJ and ESTJ whom I have been close to are bothered by it but they seem to use avoidance as a way of dealing when confronted by it. I wondered if this is a T thing, or an SJ thing or neither at all.

Matthew Z, what kinds of things do you become paranoid about or imagine could go wrong?
 

MonkeyGrass

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If the relationship is worth it to me, I just go the most direct route. "Hey, I know we've had some tension in this area...shall we agree to disagree?" Leaving tension hanging is much more stressful to me than biting the bullet and addressing it. If the other party tells me to go play in traffic after I've tried to make amends for anything I've done, it's on them, not me. :newwink: Assuming that my end of the conflict wasn't deplorable, anyone who wants to continue to bear grudges after an apology isn't really worth my effort anyway (and I mean that in the most pragmatic way possible, not in a sour grapes way...if they come back later, I'm happy to make nice. :O)
 

Matthew_Z

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Interesting. The ISTJ and ESTJ whom I have been close to are bothered by it but they seem to use avoidance as a way of dealing when confronted by it. I wondered if this is a T thing, or an SJ thing or neither at all.

Matthew Z, what kinds of things do you become paranoid about or imagine could go wrong?
The paranoia usually manifests itself throughout all general areas of my life. I'll be a little more jumpy when I see action out of my peripheral vision and such. However, it's much more concentrated in the area of person-to-person relationships. Ideas such as "What if every person I've ever met has the same issue with me but they're only pretending it doesn't exist?" pop up and my ability to reason that these ideas are false is significantly inhibited.

If you ask me, the avoidance technique is a way of dealing with what I've described as paranoia, not with unresolved conflict. If the conflict got bad enough that we couldn't figure it out and had to withdraw from the situation, it's quite likely that we wont figure out a solution afterward. It's my hypothesis that your ISTJ and ESTJ friends handle the situation the same way I do, but by the time you find out about the situation they've already gotten to the point of the paranoia onset.
 

NewEra

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If it's between two people I really care about greatly, I would be bothered by unresolved conflict. This applies to a select few people. If it were me and another person conflicting, I would be slightly bothered by it but of course it depends on the situation. If it's between people I sort of care about but not as much, then it would not bother me at all.
 

Fidelia

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Matthew Z - what puts you into a situation where you can't think up a solution?

And is it the tension between you and someone very dear to you, or is it just a job left unfinished that bothers you when there's been a problem?

After you hit paranoia, are those thoughts ongoing, or do they wear off? Do you mostly give the particular situation at the time up as being a lost cause?

I've seen several situations between my ISTJ dad and I or he and my INFJ mum where he has everything in the world to gain, and nothing to lose by addressing the problem. I think though that unless he has already decided on a workable solution, he gives it up as an impossible thing to fix. In both of our cases, it has done great damage to our relationship and I think it makes him feel isolated. I don't do well without having things fixed up, but can't do it alone. Does any of this sound familiar or recognizable and if so, what is the way for the other party to approach the SJ successfully without inducing paranoia?
 

Amira

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Hmm, if it's conflict between two other people that I care about, I will try to do my best to tactfully help make peace, but I generally wouldn't stay awake at night about it. Any conflict between me and another person tends to bother me somewhat, even when it shouldn't, but if there is anything at all I can blame on myself it really, really, really rankles. Usually there is something that I can blame on myself so I hate conflict. I don't consider it conflict if, for example, I know someone I work with is having a really bad day and they try to pick a fight with me or something for no reason but their own emotions - in cases like that I just think, whatever, and make a wide berth around them 'till they calm down. I suppose if someone just had a weird misunderstanding about me or hated a viewpoint of mine they would either avoid me or I would address it directly once I figured out a good way to approach it.

To approach an ISTJ about a conflict without overloading our puny emotional circuits - the best way for me is to be brief, to the point, and pretty calm about it. Don't go by my stone face - If I can see your point then I'm already beating myself up and you don't need to. Just say it and leave as soon as you come to some sort of conclusion/agreement. I may be more sensitive to disapproval than the guy ISTJs, I don't know, but I really hate doing something wrong and that makes me try hard to fix something once it's pointed out and I can't stand it when people try to make me show on my face how upset I am and sorry and how I'll definitely change!!! :cry: Yikes... :shock:

I will agree about the paranoia/avoidance thing in that if I've tried and couldn't fix something or I feel like the person still holds a palpable grudge, I will try to avoid them, which I know isn't really healthy and I am working on that and being a bit more assertive.
 

Matthew_Z

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Matthew Z - what puts you into a situation where you can't think up a solution?

And is it the tension between you and someone very dear to you, or is it just a job left unfinished that bothers you when there's been a problem?

After you hit paranoia, are those thoughts ongoing, or do they wear off? Do you mostly give the particular situation at the time up as being a lost cause?

I've seen several situations between my ISTJ dad and I or he and my INFJ mum where he has everything in the world to gain, and nothing to lose by addressing the problem. I think though that unless he has already decided on a workable solution, he gives it up as an impossible thing to fix. In both of our cases, it has done great damage to our relationship and I think it makes him feel isolated. I don't do well without having things fixed up, but can't do it alone. Does any of this sound familiar or recognizable and if so, what is the way for the other party to approach the SJ successfully without inducing paranoia?
You remind me of my therapist.

As an ISTJ, I always at least think I have a solution. When all of my solutions have failed to solve the problem and I'm out of new ideas to try, that's when I've hit no-solution mode.

It's both, really. However, I consider resolving conflicts with those I care about to be my social job, if you will. SJs and their sense of duty, I suppose. I don't really draw a line between work and play/relationships.

The thoughts are usually ongoing. If there's one thing I am, it's persistent. After not being able to solve the problem myself, I'll usually turn to a confidant(e). If the two of us collectively figure out a solution, I'll try that, or prepare to try it. At that point, I usually find myself relieved. If this method fails, I'll take the "flight" option in response to stress, usually allowing the problem to resolve itself. I'll probably not talk to the person, they'll not talk to me, and we'll more or less go on with a small bit of tolerance of the other's existence, but not much more. Until things are resolved, I'll probably seem pretty withdrawn from the world and look at things with intense cynicism.

The way to approach me is pretty much what Amira described. Being calm and brief is very important. Once I know what I've done wrong, don't bring it up again. I've already been kicking myself over it. In my case, and I'm sure the other ISTJs can relate, I'm VERY willing to resolve a conflict, even if I'm not showing it. Not showing it is a sign that I'm going to back to my normal volition. That LAST thing to do to an upset ISTJ is to try to make the show it. If you bring me to tears, you've REALLY screwed up.
 

Recoleta

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If I'm in conflict with someone at work or somewhere where I don't have to deal with the person a whole lot I figure that I just have to tolerate them in a professional manner and go about my life. I feel no need to pick conflicts with people I don't really know/care about. I'll just keep it inside and not worry about it.

If I'm in a conflict with someone I care about, it bothers me a lot. I need resolution and closure for those situations. Disarming these situations is really difficult for me, as I'm probably not good at nipping these things in the bud. The problem is sometimes I will avoid talking about issues in the hope that they will just blow over and eventually resolve themselves...kinda along the lines of what you mentioned about your dad, fidelia. I don't really know why I do this since I know that it's just easier to say something than passive-aggressively being annoyed by it.

I can only think of 1 situation in my life where this happened and blew up completely. It was with my old roommate, and we had a "passive-aggressive silent war" going on. It was terrible, because we really were friends, but we were both silently mad with one another and wouldn't say anything about the problem. Eventually, the tension got really bad, and things exploded...I was actually really relieved that this happened, because it meant resolution and openness were coming despite compromise being a tough thing to reach. Something HAD to be said, and I felt so relieved...I had been feeling sick about the situation for awhile, and I hated being angry with her.

In a way, letting tension build and then having a rapid release is almost nice sometimes. I'm not trying to say that it is a healthy thing to do, but really, it kinda lets people see the real you -- sometimes it's very freeing to be ruled by your emotions and to just say exactly what you want and be mad, etc. For me, fighting with a loved one is almost an intimate experience because it means I have finally reached a point of complete vulnerability and I can't have any walls up. So, in a way, conflict is both a terrible and wonderful experience all in one.
 

Amira

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That LAST thing to do to an upset ISTJ is to try to make the show it. If you bring me to tears, you've REALLY screwed up.

Yeah. And how. This was actually the main problem I used to have with my dad, an NF, and me for years - he wanted me to be obviously upset or he didn't think I was paying attention. This was unconscious for him, and made me push back defensively, thus confirming that I really wasn't trying to fix things. Gah!!! :steam: Fortunately we finally managed to change some of those patterns and usually get along much better now.

In a way, letting tension build and then having a rapid release is almost nice sometimes. I'm not trying to say that it is a healthy thing to do, but really, it kinda lets people see the real you -- sometimes it's very freeing to be ruled by your emotions and to just say exactly what you want and be mad, etc. For me, fighting with a loved one is almost an intimate experience because it means I have finally reached a point of complete vulnerability and I can't have any walls up. So, in a way, conflict is both a terrible and wonderful experience all in one.

I understand what you're saying here. For me it's really exhausting to do the blowup thing so I do try to avoid it to my utmost, but when it has happened it is very intimate in a sense. If I'm that mad I'll start by crying from anger and crying is a very private thing to let someone in on, for me. And yeah, it can be nice to just disable the automatic speech filter I was born with!
 

Recoleta

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Yes, those are exactly my sentiments, Amira. Indeed, blowup situations are really grueling. I completely relate to what you said about crying out of frustration and anger. I work myself up so much that I just break down...without fail, it happens every time. I hate crying in front of others...and even more, I hate being angry with those I love.

When I cry, there is really 1 ideal thing that the other person should do: Comfort me, and stop yelling. Clearly I am upset, and I don't want to be. If I have been brought to tears you need to stop, and we need to discuss whatever problem we have as equals. ISTJs are not the kind to take advantage of the crying game. We don't whine and cry about insignifigant things...we cry when something is REALLY wrong.

Once I was in a fight with my dad, and I started crying out of anger....he laughed at me. Never. Ever. Do. That. It. Is. A. Terrible. Idea.
 

d@v3

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Two ways I deal with conflict: Spearhead (take it head on) or Ignore it and deal with it in a professional manner. If it is personal though, then it is dealt usually with the spearhead routine. :yes:
 

Take Five

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I hate conflict being unresolved. When I see the impossibility of resolving a conflict, I negotiate a deal that tries to get both parties to forget the problem. Usually though I spearhead through conflict and try to get my way.
 

wrldisquiethere

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Does unresolved conflict bother you? If so, how do you deal with it? Do you think SJs would handle it similarly as a whole or slightly differently depending on which of the four types they are?
It drives me CRAZY. I can't relax about it as long as it's unresolved. Even if it is unresolved for years...if something reminds me of that, I will still be uncomfortable thinking about it.
I don't like it.

Depending on the severity and nature of the conflict, and the subject of course, it will bother me / cause me anxiety until it is resolved. I will usually try and think of ways to resolve it, and it will be one of the things on my mind constantly if the nature of the conflict is important to me.

This is my reaction, as well.

I'll usually try every single thing I can come up with to resolve the issue. If the other person has no interest in resolving the matter, it frustrates me to no end. If I reach a point where I've tried everything and nothing works, I feel like a failure. I can become really sad and/or angry. On the outside, I give an impression of "Whatever, I don't care," but on the inside it kills me.
 

Fidelia

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Take Five - what if your way isn't working for the other person?

wrldisquietthere - How do you manage to pull off the "Whatever I don't care" to other people? I can't hide it for the life of me, even when I know that there is nothing that can be done and it isn't productive to keep rehashing!
 

Take Five

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Take Five - what if your way isn't working for the other person?

I kill him.

Seriously, if the other person doesn't like my way, I don't particularly care, as long as I know I'm not doing wrong. I will try to persuade the other person.
 

Fidelia

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That works great if they are persuadeable and if it isn't going to matter long term. What if you are married to someone who wants some input into the solution and who isn't going to just forget about it or necessarily take the course of action you have decided on without some back and forth discussion (not just your persuasion?).

I'm not trying to be difficult. I have just seen this situation happen a number of times, particularly in the couples that are an NF/STJ matching (I know at least five couples like this). Whether they've stayed together or separately, this solution rarely seems to work well for the NF and the STJ rarely seems to deviate from course. Should this matching just be avoided altogether because both parties would need to do too much adjusting to operate honestly and naturally?

I also wonder if the my way or the highway approach works very well when raising children. Maybe it just depends which types you get.
 
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