[ISTJ] Need Help Consoling An ISTJ

[soleil]

My best friend an ISTJ is under a lot of stress. He's works super hard ( 7 days/week) while trying to pursue a career in music. On the outside he holds it together, but inside he's breaking down. I hate seeing him in so much pain...it kills me! He's an amazing person (talented too) & I don't want him to give up all hope, but it's looking like that at the moment. The only thing he wants more than anything & that means the world to him is his music....nothing makes him happy & the thought of not being successful in it is devasting to him. He feels unappreciated by those around him & it's breaking his spirit.

Question for the ISTJs....when you are feeling down & about...what helps you cope? What is the best way to approach my friend? How do you deal with disappointment? Any input would be helpful. Thanks in advance!

 

[ChocolateMoose123]

My mother is an ISTJ and I'm very close with her. (I'm 30 and I can count the number of times on one hand that I've seen her cry). I may not be right in this but here's my experience:

Approach them one on one and in a private setting if you want to discuss these things with him. Approach with honesty and detachment when asking about his state of mind. If you start expressing your worries about him he may feel an obligation to not "burden" you with HIS problems and clam up.

Instead, ask him about what you've observed about his moods not what you feel about them. "I've noticed you've been looking tired lately. Are you not getting enough sleep?" (open ended observation where there's no pressure and he can then express himself further)...rather than "I feel like you're running yourself down too much. You need to relax" (a judgement that may put him on the defensive).

I don't know your friend obviously, but I'd say the music industry is incredibly unpredictable and making it is very difficult. For an ISTJ, who thrives on order and knowing what's expected...this is even a bigger risk for him because the field he's chosen to be in throws all that an ISTJ values out the window!

I hope that helps a little. I may be completely incorrect but I wish you luck!

 

[Amira]

Wow, I don't really know what to suggest. The above suggestions are pretty good and would probably help, but honestly when I feel like I am putting my all into something and people still think I'm not good enough... that is a really horrible feeling. There's not much anyone can do. We can endure a lot, but that situation would really be crushing. In that sort of situation, I think I would probably need one or two people who would encourage me to blurt out whatever I was thinking, which would be basically constant reanalazing, and if the person listened to me calmly and adjusted my doomsday perceptions for me while validating my feelings and helping me clarify thoughts and plans, that would probably be the biggest help. When trying to get an ISTJ to open up, you may have to be prepared for a lot of silence - the more emotional something is, the harder it is for me to express it verbally. You could even email him about it and talk about it on email at first. Sorry I can't be more help, that is a hard situation to be in for you.

 

[Matthew_Z]

When I'm down, it usually helps to know that I've done the right thing, or at least have a chance to do the right thing. As an ISTJ, I hold myself to very high standards, and I need to be reminded of my successes whenever I have a devastating failure. "You did a good job" certainly won't work. SPECIFIC accomplishments need to be noticed.

 

[Ozz]

I find that unspecific encouragement from people do not work. The encouragement has to be from someone with some previous knowledge or experience in that field for it to be believable. That... makes it a lot harder.

 

[Fidelia]

Would consoling an ESTJ be similar or would there be differences? What kind?

 

[mortabunt]

Tell him he's doign the right thing, and that you appreciate it.