[ISTJ] ISTJ, Si & breakups

[2XtremeENFP]

if an ISTJ had a successful (aside from 'future' possible problems) relationship, would their Si cause difficulty in trying to make the decision of getting back together?

For example,
ISTJ still enjoys the persons company, still finds them attractive, but is unsure if getting back together is the idea

would mind/emotional games (not purposely) happen because they dont want to let go of the past or is it they're trying to see if things have changed to allow progression? I thought ISTJs were decisive, but this has been dragging it on

 

[Cimarron]

Reasons for hesitation about going back to a certain relationship:

Foreseeing problems that might come up. Deciding whether it would be "worth it," when considering those problems. Asking "which situation is better? The way it is now, or the way it would probably be if back together?"

Worrying that it may eventually end for the same reason it ended the first time. If it's not going to last, is it really worth starting? (My answer could be a "maybe," but then I wouldn't take the relationship itself as seriously.)

There are some other ones here, but I can't think of them.

Less likely:

He thought he was "over you," and was hoping to keep it that way. Now he's all turbulent inside, and doesn't feel the way he thinks he "should." Or more positively, he finally got used to thinking about you in a friendly but non-romantic way, and now you're going and changing that.

Enjoying more time to do things in other areas of life (probably work-life), getting those things accomplished, and knowing that a relationship may marginalize some of that again.



I guess that's a start. Doesn't feel like a solid post, though.

 

[2XtremeENFP]

Worrying that it may eventually end for the same reason it ended the first time. If it's not going to last, is it really worth starting? (My answer could be a "maybe," but then I wouldn't take the relationship itself as seriously.)

This is pretty much exactly as he explains it. I feel like I need to keep showing him that things have changed, but he ultimately feels it hasn't. Yet, he still wants to hang out one-on-one and do things that couples do. I cannot see him 'using me' because, he honestly isnt like that. I just do not know how to show him that if we've been hanging out like this for a while now, (since the break up) and things are still okay between us, what is wrong?

 

[Cimarron]

I think I get what you're saying. Yeah, I could see it being a realistic obstacle for an ISTJ. I'm trying to think of a way to explain the reasoning/process in English, but nothing's forming.

Sometimes, people give a rational argument as to why my idea or belief or worry is unfounded, but I still have trouble letting go of what "I know". (that may be relevant here)

 

[d@v3]

I base a lot of my decisions from experience so I agree with Cim on this one. I would probably not go back to the relationship because it didn't work the first time.

Although, should there be evidence that a good (and significant) change has happened, I would consider it.

 

[2XtremeENFP]

yeah, that's what I'm fearing. Does it seem like he's thinking about it, or just delaying the inevitable?


How can I show things have changed besides actions?
Should I let him come up with a decision on his own in his own time?
Should I tell him how confident I am in how successful I think it will be, or is that too pushy?

Should I just let go?

 

[d@v3]

Actions speak louder than words in this case. So the best thing to do is show him that you have changed/fixed whatever the issue was.

I'm sorry to say this, but if the issue was regarding your loyalty to him, it WILL probably be significantly more difficult to prove that you have changed.

Wait for him, but don't dwell on him. You can tell him you are confident that things will be better, but like I said, your actions are what he is probably basing his opinion on. Be friendly with him, don't be constantly questioning him about it and most importantly give him some space. How much space? Well, don't call him or try to talk to him every day, unless you know he appreciates it.

There are lots of variables in this situation though so that depends on how accurate my advice is. Also, I can only speculate based on how I would feel about the situation (putting myself in his shoes) without knowing what the problem is, and knowing that although we are "ISTJ's" we are individuals and think differently.

 

[2XtremeENFP]

Thank you for the advice.
I've never cheated on him or anything. We are very different (obviously, with me being ENFP) but we tend to balance each other out. I feel that the balance helped me more than it helped him.

The issues we had were 'future' related. Would we raise kids the same? Would we move? Do we have the same values?

It's funny, we have the same values but just different perspectives, obviously. I don't think he sees/understands that. I'm not sure how to express it. Any ideas?



It's hard to give evidence that our futures would work since it is in the future.

 

[Cimarron]

Okay, I was just thinking, and your above post seems to back it up: in the best case scenario, he is probably afraid of the commitment factor. It can happen even to ISTJs , though maybe not for the obvious reasons.

Edit: No wait, now that the pieces are all starting to come together, I think this is the main issue:

The issues we had were 'future' related. Would we raise kids the same? Would we move? Do we have the same values?

It's funny, we have the same values but just different perspectives, obviously. I don't think he sees/understands that. I'm not sure how to express it. Any ideas?

It's hard to give evidence that our futures would work since it is in the future.

And yes, this is probably going to be difficult for an ISTJ. He is of course looking for evidence that your mutual future can work, and there's not enough of it to convince him that he can safely go ahead with it. It also doesn't help that we (at least I) wouldn't be very willing to "just try it, and hope for the best" or "fix whatever comes up along the way." Best to have indicators that it will work well, right from the start.

And once I have my mind set about how it's going to go, it will be very hard to change it. Even logical evidence is resisted, sometimes, though that can be overcome gradually:
if I see enough proof that things can work in the new way
if I care enough about the person
I will keep thinking it over in my head, even when we haven't mentioned it recently.
But it's a really uncomfortable process.

 

[Ozz]

<snip />
And once I have my mind set about how it's going to go, it will be very hard to change it. Even logical evidence is resisted, sometimes, though that can be overcome gradually:<snip />

I agree with Cimarron here. I realize that it is sometimes very hard to change my mind, and that sometimes make me uncomfortable committing to something for I may ignore all the warning sign if/when it turns out bad.

 

[2XtremeENFP]

I wish one of you would tell me how to manipulate him