[ISTJ] How to win back an ISTj's heart...?

[missellis75]

Hello all, I am an ENFj and I have recently been estranged from my ISTj ex-boyfriend (due to my leaving the country for several months). When I left he disowned me (this is rather tragic) then he called me and left a voice message; essentially he said that he still cared for me and that he was sad that our relationship had to end this way... I was on the plane and could not call him back.

In my absence, however, he was cold and reserved--he "un-friended" me on facebook, and did not respond to my correspondences. I am back in the states, and we live near enough to eachother now. When we run into eachother he goes out of his way to see how I am, and yet he won't pursue even a friendly relationship with me now.

This is more hypothetical than anything; at this point it would be impossible to rectify anything that we had. But I am curious. What happened, and what can I do to help this awkwardness...?

Thank you much!

 

[MacGuffin]

What do you hope to accomplish?

 

[missellis75]

HA! that's a great question to ask an ENFj (;

I guess it is mostly like I said, hypothetical... at this point I just want to know:

A) why he might have changed directions so quickly (that is right before I left, he broke up with me, and then left a heart felt message to the contrary) which was so unlike him.

B) what he might want from me at this point, considering that he goes out of his way to talk--even joke! like we used to! --in public, but he still won't even be my friend of facebook...

I'm sure that one will lead to the other.

 

[BlackCat]

Here's a hint... People on a primary MBTI board will get confused with socionics talk.

He probably wanted to cope with the loss by disowning you is my guess. He wanted closure, so that he wouldn't dwell on you. I'd say just do all you can do and talk to him again. Talk to him on the internet, and specifically tell him that you want to talk to him online. The internet is a great medium for communication for us introverts.

 

[d@v3]

HA! that's a great question to ask an ENFj (;

I guess it is mostly like I said, hypothetical... at this point I just want to know:

A) why he might have changed directions so quickly (that is right before I left, he broke up with me, and then left a heart felt message to the contrary) which was so unlike him.

How long were you gone?
How far in advance did he know you were leaving?
How long did he wait to leave the message?
How long had you been dating?
How long have you been back stateside?

My guess is that he felt you didn't tell him far enough in advance therefore he felt that you were leaving [disowning] him. Thus he lost all rationality and made the rash decision of "disowning" you. He then probably realized that he made a terrible mistake by doing so, and he felt it necessary to leave the message.

Of course, there is the other explanation: He didn't trust you enough to think that you would go off for several months and still be loyal to him.

B) what he might want from me at this point, considering that he goes out of his way to talk--even joke! like we used to! --in public, but he still won't even be my friend of facebook...

I'm sure that one will lead to the other.

This is a harder question and I can only speculate. Have you tried "re-friending" him first? He may be waiting for you to do that. You see, in his eyes, you "left" him therefore it is up to you to rectify your mistake.

In either case, depending on how long it has been, it is probably easy to get back to where you were. Unless of course, he's a stubborn ISTJ. But it will probably take time because he will want to regain his trust with you.

 

[missellis75]

d@v3

First of all, you are very helpful, thanks!

Second--down to business:

How long were you gone?
ten months--no weekend trip :/

How far in advance did he know you were leaving?
from the get-go. the whole time we were dating.

How long did he wait to leave the message?
about a day after we broke up. literally right before I left.

How long had you been dating?
about two months.

How long have you been back stateside?
ten months.

+++

A)

"My guess is that he felt you didn't tell him far enough in advance therefore he felt that you were leaving [disowning] him."

That makes sense to me. We had danced around the issue so much, and one of us (stubborn creatures that we are) had to break. I think really if we had talked more about the whole thing it would have never been an issue.

B)
Yeah, I "re-friended" him twice actually. Once about three months into my stay, and again just about two months ago--after we had a (I thought) very promising conversation in-person. Both times my thought process was something like "oh, it's been long enough now..." and both times, he's just ignored it.

+++

UGH. I don't even know if I have feelings for him anymore of if I'm just frustrated with the situation and obsessing... well I know I'm obsessing... : )

 

[d@v3]

So it has been almost two years since you were dating? Well, I'm afraid it doesn't look very promising, at least from my standpoint. Perhaps the others have some better advice? But generally,I think the statute of limitations on an ISTJ is short.
Unless it involves that four letter "L" word.

Are you sure he is single still? I mean, you were only dating two months...

However, in your defense, the guy knew about the trip before you started dating, right? So he should have known what to expect and been more understanding!

As far as coming up with a scheme on getting back together with him, just be nice to him. (Smiling at us is always nice! ) It will probably feel like you are starting from scratch because it has been so long, so don't get discouraged if it takes while to get a reaction from him. But be blunt with your flirting or whatever it is you do- that is, make it obvious.

There is no point in doing this if you don't want him back. Does he know you have "feelings" for him still? For that matter, do YOU know if you have feelings for him still?

 

[Colors]

Sounds like there was a bit of a communication misunderstanding between you two. Like he freaked out that you were leaving and went to cut if off first and then realized he'd been a jackass and called back... and then felt stupid about that whole thing (hence the ignoring you while you were gone).

Even if it's been a long time and the romantic "thing" is no longer there, it seems like you guys never really got closure on the whole deal. So maybe like a brief pronouncement like, "That was a confusing time and lots of stuff went down and it's over, but we had good times" would work out? Course it could just blow up but eh, maybe y'all can be reacquainted friends. Depends on whether you hate being awkward limbo or complete estrangment more, I guess.

 

[missellis75]

Thanks to all! (esp. Colors and d@v3)

I think you are both right about the "communication misunderstanding." In a word: yikes.

Anyway, truth be told, I am not so good at judging how relevant things remain over long stretches of time (hmm, clearly. (; ). At any rate, you were a great sounding board, and gave great advice--and didn't jump to conclusions (for that I am most grateful, because he and I were the only two that saw/felt the whole thing, and honestly from the perspective of an observer it all seems a bit... crazy, lol). You stuck to the facts that I gave you, and interpreted them in a very sobering way, but also such that I now feel like I know what to do a bit more.

Thanks again!