[ISFJ] I accidentally hurt an ISFJ's feelings... now what do I do?!

[KarenParker]

I told him I needed more space because he wanted to see me every day and call all the time. I said it as gently as I possibly could. Now he's just cancelled our date for tonight because he said he had an awful day. I feel so bad about it and I don't know what to do. I only told him because I want things to last with him for the long-haul.

 

[countrygirl]

You told him that 'you needed more space'? People usually say that when they are not interested in a relationship. If you need him to slow down well that's different.

Best try to correct this as soon as possible.

 

[KarenParker]

You told him that 'you needed more space'? People usually say that when they are not interested in a relationship. If you need him to slow down well that's different.

Best try to correct this as soon as possible.

Oh no! I said both. But I don't think needing space means you aren't ready to be in a relationship. Everybody has a different amount of time they like to spend with a boyfriend or girlfriend. For some it's every day, for others it's once a week.

 

[Amargith]

Do something sweet for him, so he knows that you're still into him. Restore the bond, and reassure him

 

[Geoff]

ISFJs need to be nurtured. Let him know you really do care (and that you want him to care for you.. that's especially important to most ISFJs)

 

[illume]

ISFJs need to be nurtured. Let him know you really do care (and that you want him to care for you.. that's especially important to most ISFJs)

Word

 

[ThatsWhatHeSaid]

Do something sweet for him, so he knows that you're still into him. Restore the bond, and reassure him

This is the closest thing I would have said, but truthfully speaking, I don't think there's much you can do. He sounds like he's really sensitive and emotional and is not really ready for a relationship that isn't codependent. Even taking Amargith's advice won't help because it just reinforces his dependency on you. He needs to figure out how to be self-sufficient, and that's something he has to do on his own.

Sorry for the gloomy forecast.

 

[d@v3]

Do something sweet for him, so he knows that you're still into him. Restore the bond, and reassure him

I think this will work, but make sure you are genuine about it!

(Wow Amar, you really know your ISxJ's... )

 

[KarenParker]

This is the closest thing I would have said, but truthfully speaking, I don't think there's much you can do. He sounds like he's really sensitive and emotional and is not really ready for a relationship that isn't codependent. Even taking Amargith's advice won't help because it just reinforces his dependency on you. He needs to figure out how to be self-sufficient, and that's something he has to do on his own.

Sorry for the gloomy forecast.

I think everyone here has a good point. I think I should give him some reassurance but I think I shouldn't be too accommodating. If I stop hanging out with my friends and working and spend all my time with him, that's not healthy. He might have abandonment issues. I'm not sure what someone is supposed to do to get over that problem.

 

[ThatsWhatHeSaid]

I think everyone here has a good point. I think I should give him some reassurance but I think I shouldn't be too accommodating. If I stop hanging out with my friends and working and spend all my time with him, that's not healthy. He might have abandonment issues. I'm not sure what someone is supposed to do to get over that problem.

He DOES have abandonment issues. He needs to learn how to deal with the uncomfortable feelings without jumping to react (unconsciously) the way he has been probably his whole life. He needs to slow down and deal with it more strategically and calmly.

If you talk to him calmly, you might be able to create an atmosphere for something like that.

 

[Amargith]

I do think that if you make sure that you restore the bond, you then can have an open conversation about it and explain that it isn't personal, but it's just that you occasionally need some space, and that doesn't mean you don't care for him suddenly. It will reassure him to realize that if this situation happens again, he doesn't need to panick right away

Edit: dave, you're sweet, but this is something I've found to work on any new relationship where people aren't sure yet about how strongly the other person feels for them and they're still working out how to navigate the differences between the two. It's only natural to be insecure at first when dealing with this. Ime, reassurance is the best way to get past that insecurity so you can open the debate on how to deal with the issue at hand

 

[KarenParker]

He DOES have abandonment issues. He needs to learn how to deal with the uncomfortable feelings without jumping to react (unconsciously) the way he has been probably his whole life. He needs to slow down and deal with it more strategically and calmly.

If you talk to him calmly, you might be able to create an atmosphere for something like that.

I'm very interested to hear more of your thoughts on this. Is there anything he can concretely do to help him get over this? For example, thinking certain thoughts?

 

[Lightning_Rider]

Here's my opinion:

Basically, what the others said, reassure him, but also be firm in saying that you need your space and don't want things to progress too quickly.

ISFJ's will usually appreciate directness and openess, so just come out and say exactly what you want him to know, but also make sure that you give him some reassurance at the same time. Otherwise he may take it the wrong way.

I think ISFJ's are naturally clingy so it might be something that he needs to overcome on his own. I don't know how to help this person specifically with this but if it were me, again I would appreciate honesty and trying to work through the problem together. Though it's probably too early to just bring that up right now... maybe as it progresses, if it becomes a problem...

 

[Lightning_Rider]

Here's my opinion:

Basically, what the others said, reassure him, but also be firm in saying that you need your space and don't want things to progress too quickly.

ISFJ's will usually appreciate directness and openess, so just come out and say exactly what you want him to know, but also make sure that you give him some reassurance at the same time. Otherwise he may take it the wrong way.

I think ISFJ's are naturally clingy so it might be something that he needs to overcome on his own. I don't know how to help this person specifically with this but if it were me, again I would appreciate honesty and trying to work through the problem together. Though it's probably too early to just bring that up right now... maybe as it progresses, if it becomes a problem...

 

[KarenParker]

Though it's probably too early to just bring that up right now... maybe as it progresses, if it becomes a problem...

How can everybody tell it's early?

 

[ThatsWhatHeSaid]

I'm very interested to hear more of your thoughts on this. Is there anything he can concretely do to help him get over this? For example, thinking certain thoughts?

He doesn't believe in himself. He tries to change himself all the time to fit what he thinks is normal and acceptable. His belief that he's defective and different makes him afraid to be alone, so everything he does is an attempt to create a good impression in your mind, and as soon as that slips, he revives it. Trying to force himself to think differently reinforces the defective illusion. He needs to figure out how he's okay with his defects, including the anxiety itself.

What can you do? Have a good sense of humor about things. Anything else you try to do is just going to make your relationship unnatural.

P.S. Everyone who says you should reassure him is wrong. Just keep your sense of humor.

 

[maliafee]

He DOES have abandonment issues. He needs to learn how to deal with the uncomfortable feelings without jumping to react (unconsciously) the way he has been probably his whole life. He needs to slow down and deal with it more strategically and calmly.

If you talk to him calmly, you might be able to create an atmosphere for something like that.

It's silly to assume he has abandonment issues because he wants to have constant contact. My ISFJ is/was like that (even convinced me not to go on a spontaneous trip, and stay home with him) and he has ZERO abandonment issues.

Some people like constant contact, and it's best not to try to change that. If you can't give him that, he'll never feel fulfilled. Not fair to lead him on.

 

[ThatsWhatHeSaid]

It's silly to assume he has abandonment issues because he wants to have constant contact. My ISFJ is/was like that (even convinced me not to go on a spontaneous trip, and stay home with him) and he has ZERO abandonment issues.

How do you know he has zero abandonment issues?

 

[maliafee]

How do you know he has zero abandonment issues?

My ISFJ boyfriend? Because I know the story of his life from start to finish, inside and out, every detail.

 

[ThatsWhatHeSaid]

My ISFJ boyfriend? Because I know the story of his life from start to finish, inside and out, every detail.

Er. I doubt even he knows all the details of his life. And knows the details doesn't mean you know all the issues that arise from them, either.

Besides, your boyfriend has probably been with you for quite a while. This guy just met KarenParker, ergo, abandonment issues.