[ISTJ] How does one go about wooing a FEMALE ISTJ?

[zillah]

Thought it might be fun to answer some of Tea Party's questions since there are several of us ISTJ gals here. :hi:

What qualities do ISTJs most gravitate to in others? (In regards to a romantic relationship.)

How important is another person's physical appearance to an ISTJ?

How do ISTJs respond to unrequited love?

Are ISTJs generally self-conscious/afraid of seeming creepy when talking to someone they are interested in romantically? Do they frequently (or ever) worry that their person of interest does not like them or does not trust them?

Are ISTJs at all empathetic to other people who are shy around THEM?

I'm going to answer in reverse. I'm drawn to people who are shy or just introverted, I really loathe overbearing loud people. I do not like being hit on, I like to be in control. If I want you, you will know about it!

I'm very self conscious about seeming creepy! And yes, worry all the time that they don't like me. I've learned to read the signs better now but I still have to consciously check reality and talk myself out of freaking out "aaargh help they hate me, I should just leave them alone!!".

Unrequited love, I really dunno, I'm usually the unrequited one. Certainly if someone tries to pick me up and I'm not interested, I don't stuff around. I never play games and I respect someone who takes a clear no for an answer and walks away.

Physical appearance... well, there are two aspects to this I guess. Firstly, I've fallen for guys of all shapes and sizes. I can be attracted to just about anyone if I get turned on to them as a person. Having said that... if I was designing a guy... I would know what I prefer. There's something about a man with fine bones that drives me crazy. I like them skinny, or skinny with muscle, like my man, hubba hubba!! He's so pretty he makes me go cross eyed. Pass the smelling salts!!

Qualities I gravitate to for a relationship... Well, after much trial and far more error, I realised I need someone emotionally literate, with a really caring nature. ISTPs, INTPs etc, while hot, make me incredibly miserable in a relationship, like I am emotionally starving to death. So I must have an F. I don't like extraverts or strong Fe, and I don't like my fellow SJs, so that leaves me with ISFPs, INFPs and INFJs. So, when I'm looking for a guy I'm scanning all the time for some sign of these more gentle, unconventional, relational guys, and not your average Aussie dickhead.

 

[BlackCat]

Even though I know about you guys, it's nice having things like this typed out. I'm interested in hearing more responses, since you guys one of my top attractions when it comes to someone's type.

 

[d@v3]

Looks like your going to have to wait for the ISTJ ladies to get on... they seem to be scarce online.

 

[runvardh]

Eh, there are a few on this site. They just happen to have lives as well, that's all ^_^

 

[Amira]

Yikes, this is a really hard question, actually, due to not knowing where my own self wants ends and my type wants in general begins. Personally, there are certain beliefs/convictions that must be shared and must be being lived by the guy before I can even consider him. Being medium and stocky myself (athletic, but stocky), a scrawny/beanpole guy probably wouldn't like me. I don't care much about looks though, at all. His character (character encompasses more than personality and good character is more important to me than personality type) is far more important to me than looks. He needs to like reading and learning, I can't do without that. I kind of hope I can find an INTJ one of these days because I tend to really click with them big time, but if not an F would probably be good. And it would be difficult if he was strongly P - on the middle of J/P or a J would be good, as I am VERY J and don't want to drive/be driven nuts! He also needs to really, really like me, obviously!

As far as the worrying when talking to people, yeah. On another thread, a couple of us agreed that we seem to either accidentally flirt without intending it and without realizing that's what the other is thinking we're doing, OR we TRY to flirt but no one notices! If a guy likes me, I would prefer him not to be too indecisive about it. If he's nervous about too much too soon he can say right out that he would like to try getting to know me and decide later if he wants it to be serious. I am fine with that and can deal with keeping things casual and not pressuring him to go too fast. I just can't deal with head games of any sort. If he's shy I am likely to either not notice he likes me (sorry, certain person in my past!) or else just be extra low-key and friendly to try to help him get more comfortable. I think shyness can be really cute

I don't think most ISTJ girls would be hard to woo if you really care about them. Just notice them, be friendly, and show them you are thinking about them and like to hang around them and talk to them. Speaking for myself, if I can be one-on-one with someone who actually listens to me with interest, I really, really open up easily. Most people are just too busy and absorbed in their own worlds for that so, as an "I" I do not want to intrude by trying to talk about myself much. I'm easy to get to know if a person wants to find out about me, though. And I really enjoy connecting with people. Just don't expect a lot of witty banter until I've known you for a long time!

 

[Recoleta]

Take this with a grain of salt. These are merely my opinions...

What qualities do ISTJs most gravitate to in others? (In regards to a romantic relationship.)

I look for genuine people. I like to see consistency in both attitude and actions over time and in a variety of situations. I also gravitate to people who are able to be independent...codependent relationships kinda scare me. Not to say that I don't want to spend quality time with my SO, but I can NOT be the only source of socialization and entertainment for the other person. They need to understand that I need quiet/alone time. Finally, kindness, respect, confidence, honesty, strong values, etc. are really important to me.

How important is another person's physical appearance to an ISTJ?

It's hard to say. Of course in a romantic relationship you want to be physically attracted to the other person, but personality and sense of humor are most important. I don't have a "type" of guy that I look for, except that I find that I'm more often drawn to guys that are fairly clean-cut.

How do ISTJs respond to unrequited love?

If I'm the one that is unrequited toward someone else, I usually try to rationalize myself out of liking the other person. I generally don't think it's a great idea to obsess over someone else...especially if it's only one-sided. I usually try to avoid the other person and push them out of my mind. It heals with time.

If someone is unrequited toward me, and I know that there is no chance I'd be interested, I'd probably try to avoid the person as much as possible, because I think it would make it easier for them to forget about me. I've done the "trying to remain friends" thing, and it hasn't worked thus far, and I think it only makes things more painful in the long run. Cutting them off, while cruel, is probably the best thing.

Are ISTJs generally self-conscious/afraid of seeming creepy when talking to someone they are interested in romantically? Do they frequently (or ever) worry that their person of interest does not like them or does not trust them?

Errr, self-conscious, yes. Sometimes I wonder if I'm interesting enough, smart enough, funny enough etc. or if my detailed conversations about mundane or random topics are boring the other person to tears...lol. Plus, I don't feel the need to always be actively involved in conversation, so sometimes silent pauses make others feel uncomfortable. I don't worry so much about being creepy, because what you see is what you get with me. As far as them not trusting me, I don't worry about this at all, because if you can't trust an ISTJ, then who can you trust???

Are ISTJs at all empathetic to other people who are shy around THEM?

Only to a certain extent. For new friends it's ok, but for a romantic interest not so much. Truthfully, if they're shyer than I am, they might not even show up on my radar. As the female, I don't want to be the one to constantly hold up the conversation or make the decisions...a.k.a. I don't want to be the extrovert in the relationship. I can be strong and assertive, but it's not my natural role at the beginning of a relationship. My extrovertedness comes out with time. With shy people I end up getting frustrated because I'm like, "Are you just going to sit there or are you going to actually say what you want?"

 

[AutumnReverie]

What qualities do ISTJs most gravitate to in others? (In regards to a romantic relationship.)
I tend to gravitate towards people who have the same essential values that I have. This is not to say that I want someone who will agree with 100% of the time, because I don't. In fact, I'm intrigued by people who have different opinions from me and who will discuss them with an open mind. I just mean that there are certain values/beliefs/morals that need to be there in the person, even if we disagree. I'd like someone who is responsible, kind-hearted, traditional (in certain ways), and honest.

I also would like someone who is independent. Like a poster said above me, co-dependent relationships kind of scare me. As soon as I sense a guy is really dependent or clingy, I'm immediately turned off. I'm a very independent person and whoever I'm with would need to understand that and not resent for it.

Lately I've been thinking that a xSxJ type might be best for me (possible a xSFJ type). I'm very J, so a P might drive me crazy (but I guess maybe if he was more balanced 55%-65% P, then that wouldn't be too frustrating). As far as the S, I guess it'd be nice to have that in common with a significant other. Although I absolutely love conversing with N's more, but there would definitely be a lot more arguments in that sort of relationship (I'm guessing based on experiences with that type). Overall though, I wouldn't eliminate a possible romantic interest just based on type.

How important is another person's physical appearance to an ISTJ?
I don't think that it's extremely important to me. Someone's personality can make their physical appearance more appealing to me. As far as a "type", I guess I tend to like slim/thin guys and I like the "clean cut" look as well. I also tend to like guys who are taller than me (but I'm only about 5'3, so I don't think that's asking for too much).

How do ISTJs respond to unrequited love?
If I'm the one with unrequited feelings for someone else, I try to completely forget about it and put it out of my mind. If that's hard for me to do, then I'll convince myself that I don't really like him that much in the first place or I might explore the possibility that I like him only because I know he doesn't like me (i.e. want what I can't have).

If someone has unrequited feelings for me, then I usually avoid spending "alone time" with him so he doesn't get the wrong idea (i.e. I'll try to avoid having lunch/dinner or going to the movies, just the two of us). I figure that he'll get the hint eventually.

Are ISTJs generally self-conscious/afraid of seeming creepy when talking to someone they are interested in romantically? Do they frequently (or ever) worry that their person of interest does not like them or does not trust them?
YES, definitely. The other ISTJ's females have already basically articulated exactly how I feel:

I'm very self conscious about seeming creepy! And yes, worry all the time that they don't like me. I've learned to read the signs better now but I still have to consciously check reality and talk myself out of freaking out "aaargh help they hate me, I should just leave them alone!!".

I do the same thing. I'm always nervous that I'm talking/hanging around to them too much, and that maybe I was overconfident when I was reading the signs and maybe they don't like me at all. I'm really dense actually when it comes to reading "signs" of romantic interest (although I'm trying to improve) which is why I can doubt myself in that respect. Most of the time, unless someone spells it out for me, then I won't understand that he is interested. But if he is too obvious about it then I get turned off. So the whole thing just makes me very hard to get.

As far as the worrying when talking to people, yeah. On another thread, a couple of us agreed that we seem to either accidentally flirt without intending it and without realizing that's what the other is thinking we're doing, OR we TRY to flirt but no one notices! If a guy likes me, I would prefer him not to be too indecisive about it. If he's nervous about too much too soon he can say right out that he would like to try getting to know me and decide later if he wants it to be serious. I am fine with that and can deal with keeping things casual and not pressuring him to go too fast. I just can't deal with head games of any sort. If he's shy I am likely to either not notice he likes me (sorry, certain person in my past!) or else just be extra low-key and friendly to try to help him get more comfortable. I think shyness can be really cute

This happens all the time to me. I always seem to accidently flirt without intending/realizing it, OR I try to flirt and I feel like the person doesn't even notice ...and I don't want to try more because then I would embaress myself and I already feel like I'm making my feelings clear.

I agree, I think shyness can be really cute as well. But then again, if he's shy I probably won't even notice that he likes me. In fact, I may misinterpret his shy actions to mean that he doesn't like me. So, note to shy guys: if you really like an ISTJ girl, it'd be in your best interest to just suck it up and say something or else it may never happen. Other types may be better at picking up on subtle signs but not ISTJ females.

Are ISTJs at all empathetic to other people who are shy around THEM?
I am, at first. But after a certain amount of time, I expect the person to become a little less shy around me. I don't want to be the "extrovert" in the relationship, and I don't want to be the one who is constantly taking the intitiative, starting the conversations, inviting the other person to do things, etc. So yeah, at first I don't mind it, but after a little while I expect the guy to step up and try to take the initiative and do something with me.

I don't think most ISTJ girls would be hard to woo if you really care about them. Just notice them, be friendly, and show them you are thinking about them and like to hang around them and talk to them. Speaking for myself, if I can be one-on-one with someone who actually listens to me with interest, I really, really open up easily. Most people are just too busy and absorbed in their own worlds for that so, as an "I" I do not want to intrude by trying to talk about myself much. I'm easy to get to know if a person wants to find out about me, though. And I really enjoy connecting with people. Just don't expect a lot of witty banter until I've known you for a long time!

I agree with this completely. I really enjoy connecting to people, conversing, and just spending time getting to know someone. I find that I am a lot more open with someone if I feel like they are really listening to me and enjoying my company as well.