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[ISTJ] How does one go about wooing an ISTJ? (and other questions)

swordpath

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Oh, he wasn't dating ME, haha. I am his supposed "unrequited love" in this case. (Except that it's not unrequited, I have loved him for a year.) I believe that he was interested in me at least at one point, but I was in denial for a long time and did not want to be in love, because I knew it would likely cause me a lot of emotional pain. (And it does!) :/ So my bashfulness mixed with my anxiety over dating essentially created an aloof demeanor that he interpreted as me disliking him, which I'm sure was of course very discouraging. (He once described it as being like "talking to a wall," which hurt me a lot, but probably not as much as it hurt him.) Then he started dating the other girl about six months ago, I was completely and utterly crushed (and honestly still continue to be.) But then he broke up with her, and he never stopped treating me the same way at any point.... so I'm trying to figure out if even now, after all this, he could possibly still be interested in me.
My god, this is too damn cute/sweet. I'd encourage you to break out of your shell a little and lay your feelings on the table. Sounds like the time is right. You know what your feelings are and it looks good on his end as well. Also, he's out of a relationship... Don't look back and wonder what could have been. Take the risk. I know it's gotta be hard for a shy ISFJ. It's hard enough for a semi-shy ISTJ.
 

Shadow

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My god, this is too damn cute/sweet. I'd encourage you to break out of your shell a little and lay your feelings on the table. Sounds like the time is right. You know what your feelings are and it looks good on his end as well. Also, he's out of a relationship... Don't look back and wonder what could have been. Take the risk. I know it's gotta be hard for a shy ISFJ. It's hard enough for a semi-shy ISTJ.

Yeah, good luck :)
 

Bubbles

See Right Through Me
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Tea, honey. You sound adorable. This guy sounds like he cares about you deeply, whether or not it's romantic. My advice is to tell him--and even if he doesn't like you, he'll most likely still want to be your friend. He'll probably be very touched and flattered either way, because it'll have taken a lot of guts for you to open up to him, and he knows it. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain.

And the best part? You'll never have to wonder about "what-if"s and "if-only-I-had"s. There'll be nothing left to regret, because you'll have put your feelings out for him instead of bottling them up. You'll feel so much better, I swear. Best of luck! :hug:
 

batumi

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I just married a wonderful ISTJ a bit over a week ago.
Let me try to give your questions some feedback.

I think most ISTJs like modesty, traditional cultural values, shared
values and lifestyles, and introversion.
Physical appearance is not that important.


My ISTJ was not concerned about much except tenaciously pursuing
me as a wife. I don't think he really worries about much at all.
He kind of puts things out there and goes toward what he wants.
He would be very empathetic to shy people around them, and was with me.
I was initially quite shy, or actually private when with him.


Is it typical that an ISTJ would greet his hopeful love interest with great enthusiasm, but if said love interest ever greets HIM first, he would respond shyly?

Yes, exceptionally possible.

How big of a deal is it if an ISTJ shows a consistent interest/concern in another person's feelings/emotional well-being?

I don't think it is that big of a deal but I am unsure what you are asking.

How likely is it that an ISTJ would be asked out by a good friend who they do not have romantic feelings for, but the ISTJ dates the good friend anyway out of pity, even if they are not interested in anyone, or have been romantically interested in someone else for a long time (but believe that their love is unrequited?) Could this be interpreted as an attempt to maintain "order" and "balance" in their lives by not hurting their friend's feelings? If the ISTJ tries to keep the relationship a secret, is this a clear sign that the relationship makes him uncomfortable?

Wow, a lot of stuff there. I don't see my ISTJ dating anyone out of pity
but I do think he kept our relationship to himself for quite some time.
It's not being uncomfortable, but being cautious. In fact I knew when he
was getting serious because he began telling me about his family and how
they knew about me.

I am interested in your story and you are more than welcome to post it for me or send it to me here.
 

d@v3

Perfect Gentleman! =D
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Tea, I agree with the other's, it sounds like you both like eachother so go for it! Like the INFP said, even if he does NOT like you back (which I would find surprising) he would still want to be your friend. :yes: You havn't anything to lose!
 

Bubbles

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TeaLike the INFP said, even if he does NOT like you back (which I would find surprising) he would still want to be your friend. :yes: You havn't anything to lose!
I love how it's "the INFP." Like I'm some trespasser in the SJ community. ;) *feels spy-like*

You won't regret it, Tea! ISTJs are real nice guys, and I have faith you'll be happy no matter what happens! (I have to agree with d@v3, he sounds pretty interested. :yes:)
 

d@v3

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I love how it's "the INFP." Like I'm some trespasser in the SJ community. ;) *feels spy-like*

You won't regret it, Tea! ISTJs are real nice guys, and I have faith you'll be happy no matter what happens! (I have to agree with d@v3, he sounds pretty interested. :yes:)

Sorry, I couldn't think of your name, so I used your type thing instead! :D No worries Bubbles. :) And yes, I am interested. :D
 

dux

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Tea, honey. You sound adorable. This guy sounds like he cares about you deeply, whether or not it's romantic. My advice is to tell him--and even if he doesn't like you, he'll most likely still want to be your friend. He'll probably be very touched and flattered either way, because it'll have taken a lot of guts for you to open up to him, and he knows it. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain.

And the best part? You'll never have to wonder about "what-if"s and "if-only-I-had"s. There'll be nothing left to regret, because you'll have put your feelings out for him instead of bottling them up. You'll feel so much better, I swear. Best of luck! :hug:

Tea,

as a certified ISTJ. Bubbles hit it REALLY on the spot (don't understand how she reads us). Just SHOW or even better, TELL him about your feelings. it will all work out fine. Believe the ISTJ.

And you can thank Bubbles on the way because this ISTJ wouldn't have bothered to reply if it wasn't for her INFP-type with which I would have liked to get a chance, but my INFP was too.... (yea, what was she? Too much on the rebound/scared/whatever? Complex type, but us ISTJ's don't like the shallow ones, we're too deep ourselves....)

And, you really sound adorable, you know....

and -on another topic - Bubbles, where are YOU from? :newwink:

(Tea, don't be mistaken by my humour, this guy really digs you, believe me)
 

Bubbles

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Sorry, I couldn't think of your name, so I used your type thing instead! :D No worries Bubbles. :) And yes, I am interested. :D

Haha, that sounded odd, didn't it? I meant the guy who you like, Tea, I think HE'S interested! Not that d@v3 isn't interested, either. Haha!

Tea,

as a certified ISTJ. Bubbles hit it REALLY on the spot (don't understand how she reads us). Just SHOW or even better, TELL him about your feelings. it will all work out fine. Believe the ISTJ.

And you can thank Bubbles on the way because this ISTJ wouldn't have bothered to reply if it wasn't for her INFP-type with which I would have liked to get a chance, but my INFP was too.... (yea, what was she? Too much on the rebound/scared/whatever? Complex type, but us ISTJ's don't like the shallow ones, we're too deep ourselves....)

And, you really sound adorable, you know....and -on another topic - Bubbles, where are YOU from? :newwink:

(Tea, don't be mistaken by my humour, this guy really digs you, believe me)

Aw, well thank you. It's nice to be vindicated by someone who's actually an ISTJ. (If you must know, I based it off experience with NFs--we may not be exactly like you SJs, but we're alike in the sense that we don't like to hurt people without cause. We're both just awesome like that. :D) And as for your edit, :blush:, ahaha, I think I might be a little young for you, dux. But keep on looking: there are plenty of INFP gals waiting to be swept off their feet. ;)
 

kyuuei

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Hm. I'm reading all these detail oriented responses to the OP.. =( but the question was also "How does one go about wooing the ISTJ?" Which none of you ISTJs seemed to have a particular answer towards.

Does it take the woman instigating?

Are ya'll good at picking up body language?

Is there a particular "do NOT do this if you're interested in me" sort of thing??
 

Eagle

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It depends. It always depends. Honestly, just be yourself. We hate fakes. HATE. Some people like fakes. Stupid people. Anyways, you don't have anything to loose. I think he would still be your friend even if he didn't want to date you. It seems as if he cares a lot. That's good. I'm not going to give you advice about how to specifically "woo" someone. You know them best. What they like, don't like. Type only has so much to do with it. You have the advice of other ISTJ males here and those that have married or dated them. Take that and run (Yes, I know it's hard. Do it anyway. Grow.). Ignore the ENFP for a second [kyuuei - ;)]. Just go for it. Like you might any other guy. You care about him, you are attracted to him. He, from my stand point, cares and is possibly attracted to you too. You don't have anything to lose. You have a closer friend to gain.
 

d@v3

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Hm. I'm reading all these detail oriented responses to the OP.. =( but the question was also "How does one go about wooing the ISTJ?" Which none of you ISTJs seemed to have a particular answer towards.

Does it take the woman instigating?

Are ya'll good at picking up body language?

Is there a particular "do NOT do this if you're interested in me" sort of thing??

Kyuuei... you take all of our [ISTJ] answers, and roll them up into one girl. Then you be yourself and PRESTO! You have the perfect ISTJ wooing machine! :D:D:D:D

For every ISTJ's action, the person of interest must respond with an equal to or greater than reaction! :yes:

No, we SUCK at body language. Havn't we talked about this before?! I'm PRETTY SURE we have missy!!! And YOU were laughing at me! :cry:

A "DO NOT" list? That's a thread in itself, lass! :doh:
 

uberrogo

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It depends. It always depends. Honestly, just be yourself. We hate fakes. HATE. Some people like fakes. Stupid people. Anyways, you don't have anything to loose. I think he would still be your friend even if he didn't want to date you. It seems as if he cares a lot. That's good. I'm not going to give you advice about how to specifically "woo" someone. You know them best. What they like, don't like. Type only has so much to do with it. You have the advice of other ISTJ males here and those that have married or dated them. Take that and run (Yes, I know it's hard. Do it anyway. Grow.). Ignore the ENFP for a second [kyuuei - ;)]. Just go for it. Like you might any other guy. You care about him, you are attracted to him. He, from my stand point, cares and is possibly attracted to you too. You don't have anything to lose. You have a closer friend to gain.

That being said, fake can mean different things to different people.
 

Eagle

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Indeed uberrogo, but I conveyed my meaning. You know what I meant. :)

Dave... We don't entirely suck, just typically more than everyone else. :yes:
 

Amira

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Amira
HTH a little!

:0

What?

Oops, sorry Tea. It is just short for "hope that helps."

I agree with everyone - go for it, he sounds really smitten. The way he constantly pays attention to you is major for an ISTJ.
 

CzeCze

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Don't assume that ISTJs want someone "just like them". And don't assume an ISTJ is prudish or bookish or totally straight-laced -- i.e. 'boring'. ISTJ's really are attracted to EXFPs and colorul, fun, free-spirited people. I think ISTJs want to be with people who draw them out and loosen inhibitions.
 

raz

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I want someone like that all my to myself though. I could totally befriend an ExxP if we did stuff together and just the two of us. It'd be a blast. I'm just not the one for the big gatherings. I think that's the thing is I need an ExxP friend to hang out with a lot. It'd probably teach me a lot.
 

BerberElla

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Note: All of these questions are regarding a male ISTJ, in case it makes any difference.


What qualities do ISTJs most gravitate to in others? (In regards to a romantic relationship.)

Well I was married to one, I have no idea why he gravitated towards me since eventually I became everything he hated in a woman and yet those were the things he loved best to start off with.

How important is another person's physical appearance to an ISTJ?

According to my ex ISTJ "not very important, after all he was with me right" :rofl1: (his words)


How do ISTJs respond to unrequited love?

Depends who is the unrequited one, he always felt his love for me was more real than my love for him, so in his eyes his love for me was unrequited regardless of what I did to try to alleviate this worry. This made him paranoid and possessive and manishly violent to any competition.

Are ISTJs generally self-conscious/afraid of seeming creepy when talking to someone they are interested in romantically? Do they frequently (or ever) worry that their person of interest does not like them or does not trust them?

In my experience yes, from what I heard of his last relationships I wasn't the only one to bear the brunt of his paranoia in regards to whether I liked and loved him enough.

I think honestly it was because he didn't understand "just feeling love" he wanted a graph or pie chart of all the things I loved about him, and I couldn't give him that because I "just feel" for no real reason.

Are ISTJs at all empathetic to other people who are shy around THEM?

Yes, from what I have experienced the shyer the better, very understanding of shyness and very patient with it, if anything they find it endearing and very feminine (imho).

Is it typical that an ISTJ would greet his hopeful love interest with great enthusiasm, but if said love interest ever greets HIM first, he would respond shyly?

Umm, no, not with my ex istj. He would not greet me enthusiastically just incase I got the wrong idea....ie that he cared more than he wanted to show (his words). If I greeted him enthusiastically he took it badly and would accuse me of being false because obviously I didn't love him enough to show great enthusiasm.

How big of a deal is it if an ISTJ shows a consistent interest/concern in another person's feelings/emotional well-being?

I would say a pretty big deal, if you become a part of their concern, you are in.

How likely is it that an ISTJ would be asked out by a good friend who they do not have romantic feelings for, but the ISTJ dates the good friend anyway out of pity, even if they are not interested in anyone, or have been romantically interested in someone else for a long time (but believe that their love is unrequited?) Could this be interpreted as an attempt to maintain "order" and "balance" in their lives by not hurting their friend's feelings? If the ISTJ tries to keep the relationship a secret, is this a clear sign that the relationship makes him uncomfortable?

Not in my experience. My ex ISTJ had a friend who did love him alot, but he turned her down because she wasn't the right religion. I'm not sure if she had shown a willingness to convert whether or not he would have given it a go though.


This is just my experience with an ISTJ, not all of them could be like this though.
 

BerberElla

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Don't assume that ISTJs want someone "just like them". And don't assume an ISTJ is prudish or bookish or totally straight-laced -- i.e. 'boring'. ISTJ's really are attracted to EXFPs and colorul, fun, free-spirited people. I think ISTJs want to be with people who draw them out and loosen inhibitions.


Yes, initially they are drawn to that, like a moth to a flame really and we know what happens there.

However in my experience those things that most attract them to start off with, the free spirit, the fun easy going fly by the seat of your pants attitude, the confidence, it all eventually led to a very horrible place.
 

raz

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Yes, initially they are drawn to that, like a moth to a flame really and we know what happens there.

However in my experience those things that most attract them to start off with, the free spirit, the fun easy going fly by the seat of your pants attitude, the confidence, it all eventually led to a very horrible place.

Better off as friends. Give me an ISFJ any day as a girlfriend.
 
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