[ISTJ] How does one go about wooing an ISTJ? (and other questions)

[Cimarron]

Better off as friends. Give me an ISFJ any day as a girlfriend.

That's good news for Tea Party, anyway.

 

[BlackCat]

ISTJ- First and foremost make friends with them first. Dig in deeper as you get to know them and you get to trusting each other. Then it's all reliant on the individuals and who makes the moves. I would recommend the thread "How to NOT pursue an ISTJ" for more information. ISTJs will generally be too nice to tell you what their REAL needs are in fear of offending you at first (this is probably relative, but this is just my experience). But to get it out in the open THEY NEED DETAILS. Details are their forte, if you give them all of the details you have about anything they will be able do much more with the situation. They can help you more, they can be more useful. Intuitives, watch yourselves! Don't just leave them in the dark. Don't expect to get anywhere with them if you constantly leave them in the dark, in the end it's frustrating for both parties.

 

[Shadow]

Well I was married to one, I have no idea why he gravitated towards me since eventually I became everything he hated in a woman and yet those were the things he loved best to start off with.



According to my ex ISTJ "not very important, after all he was with me right" (his words)




Depends who is the unrequited one, he always felt his love for me was more real than my love for him, so in his eyes his love for me was unrequited regardless of what I did to try to alleviate this worry. This made him paranoid and possessive and manishly violent to any competition.



In my experience yes, from what I heard of his last relationships I wasn't the only one to bear the brunt of his paranoia in regards to whether I liked and loved him enough.

I think honestly it was because he didn't understand "just feeling love" he wanted a graph or pie chart of all the things I loved about him, and I couldn't give him that because I "just feel" for no real reason.



Yes, from what I have experienced the shyer the better, very understanding of shyness and very patient with it, if anything they find it endearing and very feminine (imho).



Umm, no, not with my ex istj. He would not greet me enthusiastically just incase I got the wrong idea....ie that he cared more than he wanted to show (his words). If I greeted him enthusiastically he took it badly and would accuse me of being false because obviously I didn't love him enough to show great enthusiasm.



I would say a pretty big deal, if you become a part of their concern, you are in.



Not in my experience. My ex ISTJ had a friend who did love him alot, but he turned her down because she wasn't the right religion. I'm not sure if she had shown a willingness to convert whether or not he would have given it a go though.


This is just my experience with an ISTJ, not all of them could be like this though.

Yeah, your ex sounds like a bit of an 'extreme' character, in more ways than one.

 

[Shadow]

That's good news for Tea Party, anyway.

Yeah, I know I'm female but my ISFJ boyfriend is truly my perfect match. I think ISTJ-ISFJ is a great combination.

 

[Shadow]

But to get it out in the open THEY NEED DETAILS. Details are their forte, if you give them all of the details you have about anything they will be able do much more with the situation. They can help you more, they can be more useful. Intuitives, watch yourselves! Don't just leave them in the dark. Don't expect to get anywhere with them if you constantly leave them in the dark, in the end it's frustrating for both parties.

So true. Don't expect us to be mind readers.

 

[Cimarron]

ISTJ- First and foremost make friends with them first. Dig in deeper as you get to know them and you get to trusting each other. Then it's all reliant on the individuals and who makes the moves. I would recommend the thread "How to NOT pursue an ISTJ" for more information. ISTJs will generally be too nice to tell you what their REAL needs are in fear of offending you at first (this is probably relative, but this is just my experience). But to get it out in the open THEY NEED DETAILS. Details are their forte, if you give them all of the details you have about anything they will be able do much more with the situation. They can help you more, they can be more useful. Intuitives, watch yourselves! Don't just leave them in the dark. Don't expect to get anywhere with them if you constantly leave them in the dark, in the end it's frustrating for both parties.

Sounds like a good general blueprint for forming a relationship, friendship, any bond with an ISTJ.

 

[raz]

Yeah, I know I'm female but my ISFJ boyfriend is truly my perfect match. I think ISTJ-ISFJ is a great combination.

I think Dave and Cimarron think differently on the subject, but I'm really crazy about ISFJs. I can almost feel them out. I'm just so incredibly reserved, but I need someone who understands people, so ISFJs are a great match for me.

 

[BlackCat]

Sounds like a good general blueprint for forming a relationship, friendship, any bond with an ISTJ.

I'm glad I was accurate. You guys were pretty easy for me to figure out, and that is a good thing since I enjoy your company a great deal.

EDIT: And by figure out I meant understand how you work. I think it was easy since we have the same functions and I found that was easy to relate to. Wasn't trying to imply you were simple people.

 

[Giggly]

Oh, he wasn't dating ME, haha. I am his supposed "unrequited love" in this case. (Except that it's not unrequited, I have loved him for a year.) I believe that he was interested in me at least at one point, but I was in denial for a long time and did not want to be in love, because I knew it would likely cause me a lot of emotional pain. (And it does!) :/ So my bashfulness mixed with my anxiety over dating essentially created an aloof demeanor that he interpreted as me disliking him, which I'm sure was of course very discouraging. (He once described it as being like "talking to a wall," which hurt me a lot, but probably not as much as it hurt him.) Then he started dating the other girl about six months ago, I was completely and utterly crushed (and honestly still continue to be.) But then he broke up with her, and he never stopped treating me the same way at any point.... so I'm trying to figure out if even now, after all this, he could possibly still be interested in me.

Deary me, I think I would have reacted and felt the exact same way you have in this situation.

This is why I think it's best to tell someone you like them as soon as possible upon meeting them in order to avoid the build up of greater amounts of anxiety. The longer you like someone but not tell them the more afraid you'll be to tell them. The only solution now is to tell him or forget about him. *gulp*

 

[Tea Party]

Whoa, okay. I'm sorry I didn't have the time to respond to everyone yesterday, but I did get to read all of your awesome posts which were so, so helpful, and I was all encouraged and determined to be friendly the next time I saw him and everything, but... well, I probably should've mentioned this earlier.

His friend/the girl he was dating (an ENFP, meep) is still interested in him, and is apparently still trying to win him back. This causes a vast and terrible mix of emotions in me, but they basically all sum up to me feeling horribly sick whenever I see her or think about her (this is of course multiplied tenfold when she is with my ISTJ.) I am extremely paranoid about them getting back together, and it's always really hard to tell whether or not they have because they have remained close friends, and she likes to flirt with him (which he doesn't seem to discourage, but I am not sure if this is because he doesn't mind or because he is simply not receptive to it.) She has a huge advantage over me, a, being an ENFP and therefor naturally more compatible, and b, being able to talk to him whenever she wants to without feeling nervous. (This I am WILDLY and exceedingly jealous of.)
And like I said, I was really ready to talk to him today. But she was there. She doesn't have our first period (I'm afraid that this is a high school situation... which I'm sure has everyone rolling their eyes, I'm sorry) but she was there... waiting for him. (It's an elective period, so it's sort of permissible for random kids to just come and hang around.) He was uncharacteristically late today, but she went up to him once he arrived and was all "woo" and I was all "kill me." And it was kind of like that.

But besides the primary emotion I feel for her, which I will concede is hate (I tried really hard at first not to hate her, but... I just can't help it) she also fills me with the most painful sort of guilt and empathy, because I know exactly how she feels (assuming that she actually loves him and is not just infatuated) and somehow, even though I can't stand her, I feel like if one of us should suffer through the excruciating pain of unrequited love, it should be me. I can't help but immediately come to this conclusion and back down, even though I know it is ultimately the ISTJ's choice! D: And then there is of course the guilt that comes from hating a perfectly nice person... it's awful.

She asked him to go to this dance with her (it's a formal dance that I guess you could say is kind of specific to our school? It's not the prom or anything but it's about as important.) and he said yes, so.... I feel horribly discouraged and just generally sick. I know this is in the SJ forum, but does anyone know how hard it is for an ENFP to get over unrequited love? Is it as hard as it is for an ISFJ? Do you guys think I actually have any serious competition with her, considering that he was the one to end their relationship? :c

 

[BlackCat]

...but does anyone know how hard it is for an ENFP to get over unrequited love? Is it as hard as it is for an ISFJ? Do you guys think I actually have any serious competition with her, considering that he was the one to end their relationship? :c

If he has any common sense he will choose which of you he likes more. You don't "win someone" really, in the end it's all the person's choice.

ENFP getting over love? Very difficult. VERY. It's probably just her wanting him back, but if he ended it then he may push her away once again if he doesn't want a relationship with her anymore.

 

[uberrogo]

Considering it is high school you could probably work your self in by just being honest with your emotions and telling him you want him to take you to the dance instead.

If all else fails send him a note that says "I like you, do you like me? check yes or no"

 

[Tea Party]

Sounds like you like eachother! So he kept the other girl a secret? Sounds like he was just dating her to put the pressure on you to see if you would budge on your decision or maybe he was just trying to move on but couldn't. Either way, it's not a big deal if you truly do love him especially if he never stopped treating you the same.

Oh yes, I am quite sure that I love him. C:

You being aloof/ignoring him = you not caring about him. It's as simple as that in the eyes of an ISTJ. Although SOMETIMES we can see through your smokescreen of aloofness and see how you REALLY feel. It kind of sounds like you are sending mixed signals to him. Being bashful around him and ignoring him are two different things. If you are bashful (blushing, giggling) it means you like him, if you ignore (keep conversations short, keep your distance around him) him that means you do not care about him.

Oh no oh no, it sounds like he probably feels like I'm ignoring him for sure. D: Sometimes I actually HAVE tried to ignore him because being around him hurt so much. Aagh, I feel so guilty!

You said he makes you depressed, why?

A LOT of reasons. My fear of rejection, my fear of being inadequate... (a lot of my childhood experiences greatly encouraged my already-powerful ISFJ tendency to feel inadequate/unworthy.) I just sort of... think too much. I tend to think about all the things that could go wrong in any given situation, the more emotionally invested I am in the situation, the more this is true. When I am with him I tend to think about all of my faults and all the things I am probably doing wrong, and end up convincing myself that there is no way he would like me. I guess you could say that my mind is somewhat self-destructive in this way. And of course when he is with or has been with the ENFP, that's the worst.

 

[Tea Party]

Considering it is high school you could probably work your self in by just being honest with your emotions and telling him you want him to take you to the dance instead.

If all else fails send him a note that says "I like you, do you like me? check yes or no"

Hahaha, I could never do that. xD It's not that I don't intend to tell him, it's just... I could never tell him THAT way. Either of those ways.

 

[Tea Party]

For every ISTJ's action, the person of interest must respond with an equal to or greater than reaction!

!

This is going to be hard, but it's really helpful. :0

 

[Tea Party]

Yeah, I know I'm female but my ISFJ boyfriend is truly my perfect match. I think ISTJ-ISFJ is a great combination.

<3 !

It is such a relief to know there are ISTJ-ISFJ relationships out there. All of the ISTJ profiles on the internet make it seem like they would only ever be interested in Es. :/ And they make them sound almost robot-like, which I know is not my ISTJ.

 

[d@v3]

<3 !

It is such a relief to know there are ISTJ-ISFJ relationships out there. All of the ISTJ profiles on the internet make it seem like they would only ever be interested in Es. :/ And they make them sound almost robot-like, which I know is not my ISTJ.

Well... I would have to disagree with those internet profiles! You sound like a very sweet, shy girl and that is what ISTJ's like! Well, at least I do!

 

[BlackCat]

i'm sorry...i have to disagree with this...as an enfp...i will certainly go after what i want but if it wasn't mutual...i would get over it super fast....hypothetically.

The ENFPs I know who have broken up, if they still think that there is a chance it could happen again then they will try to keep pursuing it. They hold on to their old feelings, and if they do then they won't see the bad sides of things or if they do then they will ignore it and hope it will get better. Just what I've seen. This will happen especially at the high school age, and especially in the females. The males I know who are my age are a little better about it.

 

[Lady_X]

The ENFPs I know who have broken up, if they still think that there is a chance it could happen again then they will try to keep pursuing it. They hold on to their old feelings, and if they do then they won't see the bad sides of things or if they do then they will ignore it and hope it will get better. Just what I've seen. This will happen especially at the high school age, and especially in the females. The males I know who are my age are a little better about it.

you're probably right blackcat...see...^^ i had already deleted it! haha

i decided maybe i shouldn't answer hypothetically.

oh...but you didn't quote the nice part..anyway tea party...i was saying i think an isfj would be great with an istj so good luck to ya..

 

[BlackCat]

Yeah erin I know that you're mature, but immature people of any type are bad. This ENFP in question hasn't let go of her old boyfriend yet. They broke up about 5 months ago and he's had two other girlfriends. He used to beat her and get very mad at her all the time and tell her he hated her, he was basically using her. Nothing has shown her that he isn't a good person yet, she's still attached. It's a messy situation.