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[ISTJ] How NOT to Mislead an ISTJ?

Bubbles

See Right Through Me
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I love ISTJs. I do. They're great workers, friends, thinkers...basically, great people. However, I have a problem with guy ISTJs: I seem to lead them into thinking I'm romantically interested in them.

This is, in a word, frustrating.

Everyone is attracted to different sorts of people, but the ISTJs who like me I like as friends, nothing more. (Frankly, I'm a sucker for Es of all types...) I argue more with them than any other type, I find myself using that "count to ten before replying" rule with them the most, and I find myself feeling horribly guilty for lashing out at them, because I rarely do that at all! So from my experience, I wouldn't enjoy an intimate relationship with an ISTJ, yet admit there are many pros for befriending them. I'm a great listener when they have a problem, I like to talk when they obviously feel like talking but don't know what to say, and I'm very encouraging when they're down. I don't do anything particularly flirty but those three things...so I'm lost as to what I should do.

I would chalk this up to coincidence, except it has happened three times now, and I can feel a fourth coming on. Those whom I've asked IRL accuse me of being too nice, but I treat everyone like that. What do you SJs know that I don't?
 

BlackCat

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It's hard to NOT mislead a guy when you randomly start talking to us. You have to make it clear you aren't interested in some way. I do this with girls I'm not interested in, I somehow push the feeling of "I don't think of you that way" in a nice way.
 

ThatsWhatHeSaid

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Honestly, is this type-dependent? Wouldn't you use the same strategy regardless of type? Are ISTJs any momre prone to being misled by what's happening? Just be clear about your intentions.
 

Haight

Doesn't Read Your Posts
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To me, this sounds like a question that Uber could answer quite quickly.
 

Bubbles

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Honestly, is this type-dependent? Wouldn't you use the same strategy regardless of type? Are ISTJs any momre prone to being misled by what's happening? Just be clear about your intentions.

Honestly, I think so. I've never had a problem with any other type about this. It's getting repetitive, which makes me think I'm doing something wrong, and has happened for two years. And please don't see this as an attack on ISTJs--they're just the people I'm misleading. It's a coincidence that seems to be bigger than a coincidence, to me.

Am I making sense? I hope I am. ^^;

(But if you feel it's too general, I'll certainly take the question down. I don't want to sound biased against any type...)
 
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BlackCat

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It's because ISTJ-INFP is such a good match, I typically get INSTANT chemistry with ISTJs. With men it's the desire to want to get to know them and to get to be their friend, and with women it's that along with the romantic desire too.
 

Bubbles

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You have to make it clear you aren't interested in some way. I do this with girls I'm not interested in, I somehow push the feeling of "I don't think of you that way" in a nice way.

So...since the people I've mentioned were all massively introverted, it'd be a good idea to speak less-often one-on-one and more group-initiated, then? I'm the sort of person who'll go up to anyone who's sort of sitting by themself and talk to them, but I guess even if it's small-talk, that could sound like more than just friendliness. Drat.

I do feel mean when I do the cold-shoulder, though. When I'm obvious (like making up an excuse for not wanting to be with them at the moment) it kills me, and still does not seem to get the point across. I've gotten treated badly by one person in particular who assumed I'd been flirting, and told nicely that I'd never thought of him that way. I suppose I'm too open?

(laughs) Maybe Edahn is right. Maybe it's me who's the problem, not the ISTJs. It could all just be some cosmic coincidence.

It's because ISTJ-INFP is such a good match, I typically get INSTANT chemistry with ISTJs.

And that could explain why I like befriending them. This all points to the it's-Bubble's-fault theory, doesn't it?
 

d@v3

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I agree with others, you need to be straight forward. You know, tell them the truth and make it obvious! On the other hand, I think ISTJ's are the worst when it comes to "leading" them on. They tend to be vulnerable to that type of thing I think. :doh:
 

BlackCat

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So...since the people I've mentioned were all massively introverted, it'd be a good idea to speak less-often one-on-one and more group-initiated, then?

One to one is much better for me, friends or anything deeper. How would this fix your issue?

I'm the sort of person who'll go up to anyone who's sort of sitting by themself and talk to them, but I guess even if it's small-talk, that could sound like more than just friendliness. Drat.

If the person is single, it will spark hopes regardless. An easy way to say it is "I'm not actively seeking anyone right now, I have other priorities in life." I've been told that, it totally disarmed me, I understood the point.

I do feel mean when I do the cold-shoulder, though. When I'm obvious (like making up an excuse for not wanting to be with them at the moment) it kills me, and still does not seem to get the point across. I've gotten treated badly by one person in particular who assumed I'd been flirting, and told nicely that I'd never thought of him that way. I suppose I'm too open?

So just don't. Don't be afraid, tell them you aren't actively seeking someone. Be open, be who you are, but just make it clear.
 

Bubbles

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I agree with others, you need to be straight forward. You know, tell them the truth and make it obvious! On the other hand, I think ISTJ's are the worst when it comes to "leading" them on. They tend to be vulnerable to that type of thing I think.

If the person is single, it will spark hopes regardless. An easy way to say it is "I'm not actively seeking anyone right now, I have other priorities in life." I've been told that, it totally disarmed me, I understood the point.

Roger that. I'll slip it into conversation that I'm not interested in dating right now, thereby saving the friendship and not letting it become awkward.

...Reading that, it sounds totally obvious, and I sound like an idiot for not coming up with it earlier. Wow. :rofl1: Thanks for listening, guys. :hug:
 

wakeangel

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May 29, 2015
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It's hard to NOT mislead a guy when you randomly start talking to us. You have to make it clear you aren't interested in some way. I do this with girls I'm not interested in, I somehow push the feeling of "I don't think of you that way" in a nice way.


So um.... what do you do if you've already said this to an INTJ friend but you keep picking up "feels" that say otherwise.
Better to ditch the whole relationship to avoid confusion or what??

Seems no matter what I do, I tend to attract this type. and they are usually quiet but very attuned to me when I am present.
I straight out say I have a man who is also ISTJ, but I am very sarcastic and joke a lot, and then I get caught up in the mixture of feels and fall back into worrywarting... ugh
 

Destiny

A wannabe dog
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Aug 5, 2013
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452
Oh that's easy. Just tell them that you are already attached and are planning to get engaged soon and they will soon get the hint and back off ;)
 
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