[ISTJ] question to ISTJ males...what should I do about this guy?

[d@v3]

Well, like I said, if he doesn't respond, he probably isn't an ISTJ... and if he is, he's a inconsiderate coward for not responding, in my opinion. I don't like to leave loose ends and I certainly don't like it when people are upset with me. So I'm just telling you what I would do if I were him.

Of course, he could also be trying to decide on what to do... possibly consulting friends? Your right, you shouldn't give him too much time to think about it. You have laid it out on the table for him, it's his turn to make a move.

On the other hand, it would be quite awkward living so far away as ISTJ's like tangible things.

 

[swordpath]

He's a nasty little sucker.

 

[d@v3]

Oh, you like German guys huh, b4b? Well, you'd better stay away from entropie then. He's a nasty little sucker.

^LOL!

 

[Siegfried]

here is my DILEMMA:

I'm falling for an ISTJ guy. I posted the description of him here:
http://www.typologycentral.com/forums/what-s-my-type/14263-please-help-me-type-guy-ixxj.html

the story is complicated. He lives far away, we just saw each other for the first time (after talking a little on the net) few weeks ago, right away there was a huge attraction between the two of us. He would kinda joke/flirt with me....he was hilarious...he gave me many compliments (some joking, some serious) and would say things like:
"i feel like i've known you forever" which I found to be very odd and maybe even fake...I mean, come on, we just met! there were 2 other girls hitting on him (i was trying not to), but he would ignore them.

anyway, we have been in daily email contact since.
I've known his best friend for a few years now, and this is what his best friend says about him:
he's got a girlfriend for 4 years now, it's a bad relationship, she's apparently cheating on him, very bitchy, they don't have anything in common, won't spend time together...not even on the weekends....they broke up a few times (he moved out) but came back 1-2 weeks later.
his friend says that the ISTJ really likes me a lot, and won't stop talking about me...however....mostly joking, example:
the friend is in a store with the ISTJ guy, the ISTJ guy picks some fancy high heels, his friend asks him: "do you want to buy them for your woman?" the ISTJ answers acting totally serious: "hmmm, do you think (mentions my name instead of his gf name) would like them?" (his friend starts laughing of course)
anyway, since we saw each other 3 weeks ago he writes me looooong emails, asking me questions about my life, giving some advice, he is being very sweet and nice, calling me very sweet names, giving lots of compliments and affection...but he never talks about his deep/true feelings which bothers me a lot....he would still joke whenever he flirts with me: example:
I'm telling him about a house I just saw and thinking about buying, he would ask how big the basement is? if there is enough space for him and his drums (adding that he won't mind if I take over the rest of the house, he is sure I will decorate it lovely) ....
I guess this is supposed to be a joke, because there's no relationship between the two of us. he writes me these type of things all the time: I usually answer joking as well, but he would never follow up on it or get serious. he keeps asking me why am I talking to him, telling me he can't keep up with me. I know he respects me for what I do for a living and stuff like that...

I really, really like him, and if it was up to me, i would want him here and now!

my question is....
is there any future for us? he is crazy about his career, work and looks like he is loyal to his gf despite the difficulties. I don't want to keep talking to a guy that is in a relationship, despite that his friend is really trying to get us two together, saying that his gf is bad for him, and I'm the best thing that ever happened to the ISTJ, saying that he will do anything to bring us two together (because he loves his ISTJ friend) and thinks I will be good for him.(i am surprised by his friend's actions though...but whatever)
Are all ISTJ guys so flirty but it doesn't mean much to them? do you think he really is serious about me? I don't know if I can trust 100% what his friend says...
Will the ISTJ ever consider breaking up with his gf, and try it with me? his friend (he really tells me a lot) says that he would already be with me if I was living closer...but the distance is too big (he is in europe where I'm originally from), however not so for me...I moved around everywhere, and I have the means to do it, I'm financially independent (he knows that), and I can support him, he doesn't need to work...I know he is aware of this and likes this about me, but would a ISTJ ever consider something like that? is there a hope for any relationship? or in order for anything to happen, I have to move to his city and do all the work?...will he ever make the first step and change something about his life first (break up with his gf)? I just read that ISTJ don't like change?

should I wait or just let him go?
this guy was the reason to start posting on here...I really care about him
I would appreciate any advice...thank you

Ok, I'll try to answer this as if Im the ISTJ guy.

"I care about you very much. You are the only girl I have found myself feeling like this about, I'm not the good at expressing at times. I want to say that this feels very weird to me, its not something that has happened to me often, I generally can be a detached person and seen somewhat as just being neutral all time.

Knowing you for two years has been something that is etched into me. When I think of what has happened, even seeing you for that short time, I can't seem to remember anything as clearly as when I saw and talked to you. There is no other person, I feel like this. When our eyes met, after such long time, it both made me happy and sad, happy to see and sad I only saw you for a brief time.

I tend to use humour a lot, life can be harsh and difficult for all of us, joking with the people I care about is my way of showing that I care and am comfortable, I tend to be more shy generally.

About my girlfriend, I would rather be with you, I don't know how to say I this, I feel guilty thinking about leaving her, but I don't want to lose you either, this is tearing me apart, in some ways. I can leave her, please stay with me, so that I feel you are with me, this won't be easy.

That you are financially stable, I appreciate that. I don't want to not work though, I have to work on my career, thats an integral part of me but that doesn't mean we can't be together, we can help each other, in those things.

Distance, I'm sure we can figure out ways to meet up, even now, but yes, if it wasn't for that, I would have made been with you even earlier maybe. Once free of my degree and go to specialise, I'd like you to be there with me, I want to have you in my life, because you mean a lot to me.

Talking online, not yet meeting up, I keep having doubts sometimes from that, since its been quite a few months like this, but I will try to accept that. We should at least talk on phone and msn, though. We will have to move from online to IRL, eventually.

This reply was slow, I was thinking through what to say, I thought you were asking for general advice, which was my error.

I agree with my best friend we have potential. I wouldn't try to keep in contact if I didn't see things long term. I haven't liked someone this long before, without it turning into a serious relationship, its not something that has happened, I feel something special with you and things can work out, hopefully.

If I'm going to cut off things, its not going to be easy, it could be very emotionally numbing, please be with me, I don't want to feel alone and this why I want to talk to you in real life more.

Know that whatever you think you about you are a very special and sweet person. I want us to work, whatever happens, please believe in yourself.

 

[b4b]

hi Siegfried, this is is so sweet and really beautiful...thank you for taking the time and all...oh I wish this was true, but it looks like I've been dumped but the ISTJ (if he is even one?), haven't heard from him for a few days now...

 

[b4b]

If he's a true ISTJ, he will respond to you. It would be the polite thing to do in my opinion. You may have hit him with alot all at once so he is analyzing. Or you completely scared him off. (although I doubt that)

^Again, this is what I would do. As I don't like leaving "loose ends."

Unfortunately, your only chance now is to wait. Not sure how long he will take, or if he will at all, because with your description, he may not be an ISTJ after all?

you were right, he did respond! super nice and very, very apologetic (blaming work), asking for forgiveness...I don't know what to make of this, I don't even want to write him back....if it was me, I would always make sure I find the time to write the person I care about...so I can at least get his reply asap, right?
I mean, the only reason I would have him wait would be if I wasn't that interested anymore, or if he was boring me.

Is this something an ISTJ would do? place work above all?? even if they care about the person a lot?
would be great to see your response to this...thanks

 

[d@v3]

you were right, he did respond! super nice and very, very apologetic (blaming work), asking for forgiveness...I don't know what to make of this, I don't even want to write him back....if it was me, I would always make sure I find the time to write the person I care about...so I can at least get his reply asap, right?
I mean, the only reason I would have him wait would be if I wasn't that interested anymore, or if he was boring me.

Is this something an ISTJ would do? place work above all?? even if they care about the person a lot?
would be great to see your response to this...thanks

I'm not sure what to say. I would need more information on what he wrote back to you. He was apologetic? Did he say anything about you or what you told him?

 

[Habba]

you were right, he did respond! super nice and very, very apologetic (blaming work), asking for forgiveness...

It's easy to ask for forgiveness, but without actions apologies are meaningless.

So he just happened to became extremely busy just about the time you send him an important message telling how you feel, even thought he was able to write you long emails each day before?

Was he too busy to read his email? Was he too busy to answer? The first case seems unlikely, since he has been doing it probably many times a day before (you can't write daily email messages if you don't read your email couple of times each day). And if he knew he was too busy, why not just give a short answer, like

"Wow... I think have some feelings for you too. But all the hell broke just loose here at work, so I'll have to write you later. Be seeing ya! "

I think he was just confused by your message, needed sometime to think about it, and he eventually became avoidant towards the issue. So probably he was just flirting with you, because he felt miserable and unattractive (living in a bad relationship does that to a person). Maybe he liked the feeling of being liked again. And who of us wouldn't...

But I think he wouldn't be ready for a relationship with you anyways, since he'd need some time to heal his emotional wounds. Jumping from one relationship to an another wouldn't suit him, as he seems to be a SJ.

And seriously, how would you have dated him from North America? Long distance relationships just don't work. Period. Yes, you can email and use messenger all you want, but you wouldn't really learn to know this guy. You'd only see what he'd show you. I'm quite confident that good relationships can only be formed by spending lots of time face-to-face, sharing common experiences and having fun together. Well, of course there are exceptions to every rule, but I've learned not to count on those.

I suggest you find a guy from North America... there are few millions of them anyways... Enough room for one perfect husband?

 

[d@v3]

It's easy to ask for forgiveness, but without actions apologies are meaningless.

So he just happened to became extremely busy just about the time you send him an important message telling how you feel, even thought he was able to write you long emails each day before?

Was he too busy to read his email? Was he too busy to answer? The first case seems unlikely, since he has been doing it probably many times a day before (you can't write daily email messages if you don't read your email couple of times each day). And if he knew he was too busy, why not just give a short answer, like

"Wow... I think have some feelings for you too. But all the hell broke just loose here at work, so I'll have to write you later. Be seeing ya! "

I think he was just confused by your message, needed sometime to think about it, and he eventually became avoidant towards the issue. So probably he was just flirting with you, because he felt miserable and unattractive (living in a bad relationship does that to a person). Maybe he liked the feeling of being liked again. And who of us wouldn't...

But I think he wouldn't be ready for a relationship with you anyways, since he'd need some time to heal his emotional wounds. Jumping from one relationship to an another wouldn't suit him, as he seems to be a SJ.

And seriously, how would you have dated him from North America? Long distance relationships just don't work. Period. Yes, you can email and use messenger all you want, but you wouldn't really learn to know this guy. You'd only see what he'd show you. I'm quite confident that good relationships can only be formed by spending lots of time face-to-face, sharing common experiences and having fun together. Well, of course there are exceptions to every rule, but I've learned not to count on those.

I suggest you find a guy from North America... there are few millions of them anyways... Enough room for one perfect husband?

^ I agree. ISTJ's like tangible things. Personally, I would find a long distance relationship very difficult.

On the other hand, Habba, what actions would you have liked from him? He is across the ocean? Although like you said, it was ironic how he just got "busy" when she sent that e-mail. I think it's more along the lines of my earlier post saying that he was analyizing everything she said and trying to come up with a good response.

 

[Siegfried]

^ I agree. ISTJ's like tangible things. Personally, I would find a long distance relationship very difficult.

On the other hand, Habba, what actions would you have liked from him? He is across the ocean? Although like you said, it was ironic how he just got "busy" when she sent that e-mail. I think it's more along the lines of my earlier post saying that he was analyizing everything she said and trying to come up with a good response.

I agree, he was analyzing too much and coming up with a response, wanted it to be thought out, should try to be more rapid, definantly. Hmm relationships are made strong by meeting face to face, spending time together, it can help to address much misunderstandings, make communication better, that is true.

 

[b4b]

It's easy to ask for forgiveness, but without actions apologies are meaningless.

So he just happened to became extremely busy just about the time you send him an important message telling how you feel, even thought he was able to write you long emails each day before?

Was he too busy to read his email? Was he too busy to answer? The first case seems unlikely, since he has been doing it probably many times a day before (you can't write daily email messages if you don't read your email couple of times each day). And if he knew he was too busy, why not just give a short answer, like

"Wow... I think have some feelings for you too. But all the hell broke just loose here at work, so I'll have to write you later. Be seeing ya! "

I think he was just confused by your message, needed sometime to think about it, and he eventually became avoidant towards the issue. So probably he was just flirting with you, because he felt miserable and unattractive (living in a bad relationship does that to a person). Maybe he liked the feeling of being liked again. And who of us wouldn't...

But I think he wouldn't be ready for a relationship with you anyways, since he'd need some time to heal his emotional wounds. Jumping from one relationship to an another wouldn't suit him, as he seems to be a SJ.

And seriously, how would you have dated him from North America? Long distance relationships just don't work. Period. Yes, you can email and use messenger all you want, but you wouldn't really learn to know this guy. You'd only see what he'd show you. I'm quite confident that good relationships can only be formed by spending lots of time face-to-face, sharing common experiences and having fun together. Well, of course there are exceptions to every rule, but I've learned not to count on those.

I suggest you find a guy from North America... there are few millions of them anyways... Enough room for one perfect husband?

Habba, I think you're right about him...yeah, he just happened to be extremely busy when I wrote him how I feel...now that he wrote back, it was very long too, but ALL apologies, he didn't even answer one question from my previous (important) email....he was probably hunting for some compliments, once he got them, he was all happy and moved on....maybe there's a little narcissist in him

anyway, I cut him off before he could do this to me, I wouldn't be able to handle that if he did it again

as for the distance....most of my serious relationships where long distance at first (i mean we would meet in person somewhere and then continue over phone/mail) I lived in different countries (that's because of the job I do), so this is not such a big deal, plus we will see each other at least 2 more times this year (good thing I finished it on a very friendly basis )...however, I'm sure somebody closer would be better...I'm just so stubborn and picky i guess....he 'seemed' to fit very well

 

[Siegfried]

What issues didn't he address before? Please tell me and I'll try to answer them. I mean, its possible he could have been busy, or it took time to realise that you were talking about him. He seems to care about you..Are you sure, you want to do this? Are there any ways you could feel this can work out?

 

[b4b]

What issues didn't he address before? Please tell me and I'll try to answer them. I mean, its possible he could have been busy, or it took time to realise that you were talking about him. He seems to care about you..Are you sure, you want to do this? Are there any ways you could feel this can work out?

I wrote him how I feel about him...it was pretty honest (so unlike me) asked him some personal questions, future related, his dreams and stuff...no more joking (normally the entire conversations were mostly jokes, especially about "serious" subjects) but he didn't respond to them...
it's too late, I already wrote him sort of: "let's just be friends" and stuff...this time he responded right away but very short " i will write you back tomorrow i promise..."(plus some nice words)...almost as if he was busy again...but then I see him being online an hour later! can't be that busy after all... I think he just doesn't know what to say...and all he wanted is to hear some nice words from me to make him feel better...

 

[Siegfried]

I wrote him how I feel about him...it was pretty honest (so unlike me) asked him some personal questions, future related, his dreams and stuff...no more joking (normally the entire conversations were mostly jokes, especially about "serious" subjects) but he didn't respond to them...
it's too late, I already wrote him sort of: "let's just be friends" and stuff...this time he responded right away but very short " i will write you back tomorrow i promise..."(plus some nice words)...almost as if he was busy again...but then I see him being online an hour later! can't be that busy after all... I think he just doesn't know what to say...and all he wanted is to hear some nice words from me to make him feel better...

When I'm like that I'm trying to improve as person, by trying to learn more, I have done many things wrong, trying to catch up and in this I become abit lost. I agree that he doesn't know what to say at times, but not nice words to make him feel better, I wouldn't mean to do that. I can address issues a lot better like on MSN or phone daily or meeting up, where I'm sure its to do with me. Its your decision, if you're not happy with it, he will understand.

 

[Habba]

as for the distance....most of my serious relationships where long distance at first (i mean we would meet in person somewhere and then continue over phone/mail) I lived in different countries (that's because of the job I do), so this is not such a big deal, plus we will see each other at least 2 more times this year (good thing I finished it on a very friendly basis )

I'm not you, but for me it would have to be "2 more times this month". In person meetings can not be replaced by any other means. Seeing and feeling the other person in real-time is just so much more intense, than any other way. There are several studies saying that people who "click" very start synchronizing with each others. Their heart rates begin to follow each others, they'll both start doing unconscious, uncontrollable and almost unnoticeable moves (like they might blink their eyes the same time), etc. And this is only possible if you hear, see, feel and smell the other one.

Look at me explaining all this stuff scientifically! I'm ISTJ alright! Just follow your heart, yours is much more useful than mine.

 

[b4b]

you guys are right...despite the things I've done before, I understand not everyone is into long term relationships...and I rather end it before he does.

thanks for all the advice, I like this place....I'll stick around

 

[Habba]

I like this place....I'll stick around

Welcome.

Not so sure anymore about the extrovertness of yourself?

 

[d@v3]

you guys are right...despite the things I've done before, I understand not everyone is into long term relationships...and I rather end it before he does.

thanks for all the advice, I like this place....I'll stick around

I'm agreeing with the others this time. Habba hit it right on target!

I hope you DO stick around!

 

[b4b]

Welcome.

Not so sure anymore about the extrovertness of yourself?

yeah, well, I thought I was more E, but from the description I posted about myself in another thread (to help me type myself) I'm being typed as I...and since I don't know much about MBTI yet, i will just stick with an X

 

[moonbaby]

wow.....I felt like I just read my circumstances more in the beginning.

Mine is still in Germany, still doing all the same things you mentioned including STILL in a bad relationship. I refuse to be his pacifier. I walked away for awhile...he freaked out a bit and got blatent toward me. Once I responded back with 'it is what it is, I will always care about you and consider you one of my best friends' he disappeared for like 4 months. Finally he has resurfaced but in a VERY VERY formal manner.

*by the way, mine uses work all the time as an excuse for not being in touch....and he also runs and hides when emotions are aligned. As long as we are playing, he is fine. If it gets serious he cant handle it. I think it is because he is across the pond in a unhappy relationship that involves a child.

I am glad to see you arent wasting your time. I wasted 3+ years of mine....


*by the way...hi to all the regulars -I havent been on in awhile.