[ISFJ] will an ISFJ tell you she isn't interested?

[Neo Genesis]

But I still don't get why she never replied to that email.

Don't worry about it dude. It sounds as if she likes you too, so just go with it.

I suppose she might have only just opened it recently and felt too embarrassed to reply? :S But then I would have replied and included an apology for being so late.

Possibly, or she may have just wanted to talk to you in person, instead of an email, but couldn't because you were avoiding her. I think it would depend on how strong you came on in your message.

 

[d@v3]

I wouldn't worry about the e-mail if it happened before you were "going out". Especially if it happened a long time ago. She wouldn't have "gone out" with you if there was no interest, right? Just go with the flow, you will be fine.

 

[nightning]

How would ESFJ differ from ISFJ on this issue? Or should it be about the same?

I thought ESFJs are more foward about those things... They'll let you know if they like you or not. (I'm extrapolating from a guy, but he's very verbose in declaring love.)

I would think INFJ would be closer to ISFJ in terms of avoiding hurt feelings and just not say anything.

I wouldn't worry about the e-mail if it happened before you were "going out". Especially if it happened a long time ago. She wouldn't have "gone out" with you if there was no interest, right? Just go with the flow, you will be fine.

Wrong. Sometimes it's difficult to say no.

 

[d@v3]

Nightning, I thought from the earlier posts that the ISFJ was blunt? That is why I said that. Maybe they just meant that they like it when others are blunt with them?

 

[Grungemouse]

.
Wrong. Sometimes it's difficult to say no.

Hmm. Well in that case, I'll back off and see what happens.

 

[Giggly]

Hmm. Well in that case, I'll back off and see what happens.

I think you should go forward. If you don't kiss her somebody else will, and then you'll have to hear all about it as her friend. Remember, she already kissed you once and probably wants you to take the lead now. Forget the email.

 

[Grungemouse]

I think you should go forward. If you don't kiss her somebody else will, and then you'll have to hear all about it as her friend. Remember, she already kissed you once and probably wants you to take the lead now. Forget the email.

I suppose you're right. She's already had two guys after her. I'll try to forget the email.

Sorry for the thread hogging, by the way.

 

[Mondo]

I think you should go forward. If you don't kiss her somebody else will, and then you'll have to hear all about it as her friend. Remember, she already kissed you once and probably wants you to take the lead now. Forget the email.

I agree with Hmm, if she kissed you before- just go ahead and take the lead.
She obviously has some interest in you.

 

[nightning]

If she's kissed you before... then yes I agree that it's different Good luck with it.

 

[earthangel]

Are ISFJ's known to want to take things slow and make more informed decisions by getting to know someone first (even if that takes a long time)? Or are they more likely being "nice," not wanting to hurt any feelings, and and making things friendly with the hope that I get the picture?

It's really tough reading her some times. She's not coming out and saying she's not interested. I sense that she is putting up some boundaries, but isn't coming right out and saying she isn't interested in me, even when I'm gushing all over her.

How would an ISFJ let someone who is very and explicitly interested in them know that she is unavailable? Do ISFJ's really need to know a person inside out before they seriously date them?

Is she giving you any reason to think she's not interested?

I've been an ISFJ forever to my knowledge, not like that the other cool cats out there who change their type as life goes on. And of course each person is different, but when I really like someone I let them know at least within a week if I think I have enough information on them not being a bad person, and if I think they might be interested. If I'm unsure if they're interested I become slightly withdrawn and nervous around that person, not entirely myself because I'm for some odd reason always thinking that'll scare them off -- that is if they don't give me a strong vibe back. I'll still persue them, but I won't be open and happy and vibrant about it because of fear of rejection. So maybe she needs some affirmation?

I really love bluntness. I like to know things as a concrete fact before any action is taken. If a guy will just tell me he is interested, that helps immensely. At that point I normally do one of two things:

Case 1-- I don't reciprocate feelings. If the guy makes me uncomfortable with his advances, I will normally avoid him, lose contact with him gradually. If he does anything even slightly negative or creepy, I will use that as my excuse to cut him off and not speak with him anymore. If he tries to make a move and I'm not into it, I'll tell him no and push him away if I have to. I will emphasize friendship as much as possible.

Case 2 -- I like him back, or will consider the person because they seem genuine. If I already know enough about him and like him completely, I will be all over him, talkative, flirty, open, and continuously reaffirm my intentions and feelings. If I'm not sure, I'll let the person know that as well, and then just play it by ear. If someone tells me they love me, and I don't love them back, I refuse to say it back. I've done that with people i've tried starting relationships with. Its good to be up front in that case.

And I'm not gonna lie, as long as I'm not in a relationship, every guy I meet (within reason) I will size up immediately and see if they are someone I would go for. I can tell with like 95% accuracy (eh... probably 100% accuracy, and then I just deny the idea that someone wouldn't want to date me because I want what I want! lol) a guys feelings towards me. She probably knows or gets a strong hint that u like her, but wants confirmation before she will embrace or condemn things. She will probably not want to hurt u up front if she will reject u, but she might. But hopefully all will go well and things will work out between u two.

 

[istar11]

that's a great response, earthangel, thanks so much for sharing your thoughts.

I don't really know what case i'm at - 1 or 2. She did show initial interest immediately (which i probably didn't pick up on immediately), and has since slowed down, while I've become a little more aggressive. She does see me interacting a lot with other women (I have a lot more female friends than male ones) so maybe she's getting the wrong idea. She does get emotional when i flirt with her, but doesn't ignore me. She does tell me to stop when this gets a little too strong. I read somewhere that you shouldn't see someone you're just starting to date any more than once per week, and she definitely knows I would love to see her every day, so maybe that freaks her out. I'm being too aggressive, I know. I feel a strong physical attraction to her, and I would really love to make her happy, and I think this interferes with the fun we can have just by chatting and hanging out.

This is interesting - "I'll still persue them, but I won't be open and happy and vibrant about it because of fear of rejection." because it's exactly how I feel towards her right now! (otherwise why would i be on this board if not myself looking for affirmation).

You say you haven't changed your personality type like others, but i think most supposed change is really just getting in touch more with our weaker functions. Maybe you will one day tho...

 

[simpleamazement]

If you don't kiss her somebody else will.

Quoted for truth.

 

[Grungemouse]

Quoted for truth.

Not if I kill them first.

 

[BerberElla]

My ISFJ freind would not tell you if she wasn't interested, we have had long talks about it with me telling her it was unfair to string some guy along by not just coming straight out and saying she wasn't interested.

She usually just hopes they will take the hint, what that hint is I don't know, because it appears to me she is giving out far too many confusing signals for them to pick up on the hint.

There is no hint to pick up on, she will talk to them, she will answer the calls, so it's not like she is avoiding them, but she won't meet up with them, so maybe that's the hint right there.

Unfortunately all it seems to do is convince a guy that he needs to work harder, so they still hang around and humiliate themselves by not picking up the hint.

I just wish she would be more upfront, say she isn't interested so they can move on and find someone who is. I prefer people who are direct about such stuff.

 

[istar11]

There is no hint to pick up on, she will talk to them, she will answer the calls, so it's not like she is avoiding them, but she won't meet up with them, so maybe that's the hint right there.

Unfortunately all it seems to do is convince a guy that he needs to work harder, so they still hang around and humiliate themselves by not picking up the hint.

Thanks for the post. Wow, seems to describe this situation pretty well. She's just not really committing to anything, and I am likely mistaking that for her being cautious instead of being unininterested. If that's the case, the truth hurts.

I'm not worried at all about humiliating myself, I just hate getting my hopes up and having them crushed. That's painful. Maybe ISFJs are sadistic. Because this one is a smart woman, and she must realize how hurtful leading on people can be.

i'll just risk it and kiss her and end this once and for all

 

[CzeCze]

Hmmm, I know 2 biofemale ISFJ's IRL and they do not fall under the Susie Homebody or knitting stereotypes.

I think if she is hesitant at first, if you are persistent and/or just ask her outright, she will tell you if they are into you.

The two ISFJs I know are very flirtatious. They don't like to reject people outright, but they WILL tell you if you they are interested in you. They are relatively forthcoming about it.

 

[FDG]

Yeah they will tell you, but first you have to ask, of course.

 

[entropie]

That's why I (try) to date INFJs, they tell you, if they like you and you dont have to ask

 

[Giggly]

My ISFJ freind would not tell you if she wasn't interested, we have had long talks about it with me telling her it was unfair to string some guy along by not just coming straight out and saying she wasn't interested.

She usually just hopes they will take the hint, what that hint is I don't know, because it appears to me she is giving out far too many confusing signals for them to pick up on the hint.

There is no hint to pick up on, she will talk to them, she will answer the calls, so it's not like she is avoiding them, but she won't meet up with them, so maybe that's the hint right there.

If I remember correctly, your ISFJ friend also has a fiance, right? I suppose this is proof that just telling someone that you are in a relationship already is not enough.

 

[istar11]

well, screw this. i'm just going to keep trying to have as much fun with her as possible and keep it open, while trying to meet other women too. if i waste my time then fine. at the very least I'm learning about her and others like her and that's cool. if I keep on severing relationships the second I think she isn't interested, just because of my ego, I won't learn as much as i'd like about people.

And to me, with types that are more concerned with the non-physical aspects of a relationship (and I'm assuming she's this type), how could she know she was really interested in me anyway at this early stage? if it doesn't happen naturally through friendship then maybe it's not worth happening at all.