[ISFJ] will an ISFJ tell you she isn't interested?

[istar11]

Thanks for that post, Kai. I like to think I'm the last person on earth to pursue someone if I didn't think they had the interest, mostly because I also feel crushed from unrequited love. but then again i am a guy, a bit romantic, so i may not see things clearly some times.

Normally, i would say, sure, friendship is a good goal for now, and we'll see where that leads, but i've spoken to other women who've said they'll never date anyone they've been friends with for any period of time. maybe because it's like, "if you were never interested in the first place, then you probably aren't sincerely interested now?" of course that was an ISTP talking, and i do not go to them for relationship advice (no offence if they're out there but they're probably not)

i gotta think less and do more...i like hmm's suggestions, and yours about bluntness, (although the flirting to me is actually lots of fun i hate to give it up...neither of you knowing...lots of tension...i'm horrible)

my most pressing question: is saying she doesn't want to "rush into things" actually that, or would an ISFJ be in fact very willing to rush into things immediately after a relationship if the new interest is someone she is truly, deeply interested in?

 

[Jeffster]

Yes. With a restraining order.

 

[Grungemouse]

I actually have a question now.

While me and the ISFJ are together now, I sent her an email telling her how I felt and she never replied. We sort of side-stepped around it and carried on as though I never sent it. I'm still really baffled by this because from what I know, if she was interested, she would have replied. But if that were true we wouldn't be going out. :S Can anyone explain this? It's been on my mind for ages.

 

[Snow Turtle]

Normally, i would say, sure, friendship is a good goal for now, and we'll see where that leads, but i've spoken to other women who've said they'll never date anyone they've been friends with for any period of time. Maybe because it's like, "if you were never interested in the first place, then you probably aren't sincerely interested now?" of course that was an ISTP talking, and i do not go to them for relationship advice (no offence if they're out there but they're probably not)

i gotta think less and do more...i like hmm's suggestions, and yours about bluntness, (although the flirting to me is actually lots of fun i hate to give it up...neither of you knowing...lots of tension...i'm horrible)

Yep. There's way too many factors influencing the ideas of love. At this stage I'm not sure there will be a correlation between behaviour and type, might have to play this one by the ear.

my most pressing question: is saying she doesn't want to "rush into things" actually that, or would an ISFJ be in fact very willing to rush into things immediately after a relationship if the new interest is someone she is truly, deeply interested in?

I'd think no.
But I've never fallen head over heels, perhaps I don't allow myself. Friendship first provides me the stability and knowledge of what I'm getting into, something that I'm sure most SJs look for. Most people will probably love high intensity of passion, but at the same time it can be quite daunting.

 

[istar11]

frustrating, isn't it? that's similar to what i've found from the ISFJ i know. as if she's avoiding something that's unpleasant, like an obligation or responsibility to you she's not comfortable in fulfilling. there could be a lot of stress in her life right now, and she feels she can only handle so much of it. I know I might avoid relationship stressors when my life gets too busy cause they can take a lot of emotional effort to deal with...i dunno...

 

[istar11]

ha that's a cool point, kai...at this stage in dating maybe we shouldn't even be considering personality type...

this is like the 4th time i've fallen crazily in love

 

[Snow Turtle]

frustrating, isn't it? that's similar to what i've found from the ISFJ i know. as if she's avoiding something that's unpleasant, like an obligation or responsibility to you she's not comfortable in fulfilling. there could be a lot of stress in her life right now, and she feels she can only handle so much of it. I know I might avoid relationship stressors when my life gets too busy cause they can take a lot of emotional effort to deal with...i dunno...

Mmm.
There's the other possability that she might just want to slow things down so that she can get to know you better before investing herself emotionally in you. For example I'm really slow opening up to others, but once I've done so... I'm pretty much loyal for life.

Tempted to think other FJs react in a similar fashion here.

Course there are ISFJs who go for the ride rather than hold back because the feelings are too strong to resist. Curious about the statistics for ISFJs getting trapped in unhealthy relationships.

 

[swordpath]

How would ESFJ differ from ISFJ on this issue? Or should it be about the same?

 

[Giggly]

ha that's a cool point, kai...at this stage in dating maybe we shouldn't even be considering personality type...

this is like the 4th time i've fallen crazily in love

It's never a personality type thing, but shhhh, that's a secret.

Course there are ISFJs who go for the ride rather than hold back because the feelings are too strong to resist.

This is me. Well, what I mean is, if I like a guy, I won't hold back my feelings or put off getting into a relationship with him, unless he wants to. I think I'm pretty good with picking up on someones good vs. bad intentions and I don't think it's such a horrible thing to get to know someone while within a romantic relationship. In fact, I like it better that way. As unwise as it may seem.

That said, I think I'm a little atypical when it comes to this matter so it's hard for me to give advice.

I actually have a question now.

While me and the ISFJ are together now, I sent her an email telling her how I felt and she never replied. We sort of side-stepped around it and carried on as though I never sent it. I'm still really baffled by this because from what I know, if she was interested, she would have replied. But if that were true we wouldn't be going out. :S Can anyone explain this? It's been on my mind for ages.

I'm a little confused by this too. How can you be going out if you've never mutually acknowledged how you feel?

 

[d@v3]

I actually have a question now.

While me and the ISFJ are together now, I sent her an email telling her how I felt and she never replied. We sort of side-stepped around it and carried on as though I never sent it. I'm still really baffled by this because from what I know, if she was interested, she would have replied. But if that were true we wouldn't be going out. :S Can anyone explain this? It's been on my mind for ages.

How do you know she got the e-mail? Could it have gotten flagged as spam?

This is an awkward situation.

 

[Mondo]

I recently had such a situation with an ISFJ but since we were good friends from the start, she felt she could be honest and direct with me about how we should 'just be friends'.

 

[d@v3]

I recently had such a situation with an ISFJ but since we were good friends from the start, she felt she could be honest and direct with me about how we should 'just be friends'.

^ Thats the most most infamous line I've been told.... "we should just be friends, I don't want to ruin our friendship"... BS!:steam:

I'd be rich if I had a quarter for everytime I heard that!

 

[Grungemouse]

I'm a little confused by this too. How can you be going out if you've never mutually acknowledged how you feel?

Well after I sent the email, I avoided her for about a month out of embarrassment. But in her MSN screen name she had included lyrics to a few pining love songs and she would appear online a couple minutes after I had signed in, or around the same time the next day. So eventually I conjured up the nerve to strike up a conversation with her and we started having a casual conversation. But this time she asks me if I'm doing anything over the weekend, invites me out for the day, and then to sleep over for the night. The entire time I never attempted to make any move, because I assumed this was her way of being harmonious, as we've been close friends for over three years. And then we somehow kissed. But I still don't get why she never replied to that email.

How do you know she got the e-mail? Could it have gotten flagged as spam?

This is an awkward situation.

That was what I thought at first, but it seemed too coincidental that her best friend suddenly added me over IM the day after the email was sent. I suppose she might have only just opened it recently and felt too embarrassed to reply? :S But then I would have replied and included an apology for being so late.

 

[Giggly]

Grungemouse, when did you start to feel attracted to her as more than just a friend?

 

[Grungemouse]

May, of last year. That was around the time I had realised she saw me as more of a friend and she had been throwing all sorts of signs at me the whole time. But I was interested in someone else at the time, so I didn't bother reading into it.

 

[Giggly]

So are you unsure if you two are going out right now? Because I'm unsure.

 

[d@v3]

That was what I thought at first, but it seemed too coincidental that her best friend suddenly added me over IM the day after the email was sent. I suppose she might have only just opened it recently and felt too embarrassed to reply? :S But then I would have replied and included an apology for being so late.

What does your e-mail to her have anything to do with her friend adding you to IM? I thought you said you were already going out with her? She could have just told her friend to add you?

In other words, there is a better chance it could have been a coincidence since you were already going out with her when you sent the e-mail.

 

[Giggly]

Grungemouse, the more that I think about it, the more that I think that you, too, should just kiss de girl.

 

[swordpath]

May, of last year. That was around the time I had realised she saw me as more of a friend and she had been throwing all sorts of signs at me the whole time. But I was interested in someone else at the time, so I didn't bother reading into it.

If it's been that long and you're sure of your feelings now, put em out there. Why not?

 

[Grungemouse]

Oh no! I meant we weren't going out before I sent the email. I sent the email because we were dancing around each other for quite a while so I decided to speed things up a bit... which led to no response. So I avoided her for a bit and tried approaching her again. I suppose I used the term "going out" a bit too loosely, as no one has actually asked the other out. But we do like each other? I'm not explaining myself well.

Hmm, I shall take your advice. A kiss says a thousand words after all.