[ISTJ] ISTJs: Is love worth the trouble?

[Moiety]

I'm not going to bother reading this thread (not even the OP) before posting my response:

It's worth it, because love is the ultimate form of loyalty. An ISTJ that loves you is one of the greatest gifts a non-ISTJ can ever receive.

How kinky are we talking here? I might need to start looking for ISTJs girls.

 

[simpleamazement]

That's why I'm looking for an ISFJ. They're so close to us that it makes me not feel threatened.

I understand how you feel, but after being in a couple of relationships with ISFJs, I must say that I've learned my lessons, both good and bad, and do NOT want to be in another relationship with one. You will learn a little something from every relationship you're in. You have to figure out who you WANT to be with. Not just who you're "attracted" to at first sight.

 

[simpleamazement]

What I would like to know from my fellow ISTJs is, is love worth the trouble? How have your relationships gone? Have you had many of them? If you’re married, are you satisfied? Did you make the moves or did your spouse have to initiate all the advances? Is it worth all the stress? Do you wish you were still single?

I sense you're viewing love in the wrong way. It's not about trouble, it's about sharing and giving, which ironically may be hard for you to understand. It is worth it if you are with the right person. If you are with the WRONG person, it's not worth it. Sometimes you gotta learn from your past to have a good future, if you know what I mean. Every relationship will have its ups and downs. I've had quite a few relationships. Never been married.

 

[Giggly]

I sense you're viewing love in the wrong way. It's not about trouble, it's about sharing and giving, which ironically may be hard for you to understand. It is worth it if you are with the right person. If you are with the WRONG person, it's not worth it. Sometimes you gotta learn from your past to have a good future, if you know what I mean. Every relationship will have its ups and downs.

Yeah, what he said. You just need the right person.

 

[raz]

Reminds me of that scene from American Pie 2

Jim: SHIT!

Finch: Jim, you can eat hot-dogs tomorrow

Jim: No no Finch it's not the hot-dogs. Nadia called me this morning. She's coming here at the end of the summer and she wants to see me.

Oz: Aww that's killer

Finch: Yeah that's a good thing Jim.

Jim: No not good thing, not killer. I'll never be able to do it. Nadia is going to be expecting filet mignon ok and all I'm gonna be able to give her is rump roast.

Oz: (laughs) Awww come on Jim, you've had experience since Nadia.

Jim: Aaaaa yes you would be referring to the flute fetish band geek that made me her bitch and then ditched me after prom.. yes that's great experience.

Oz: You just gotta find the right girl Jimbo..brings it all together.

Finch: I had the right woman, she just sells her cottage and takes off to parts unknown. Ooooo my romantic life has past it's peak. Take me out to the pasture and shoot me.

Oz: Super start to a super summer fellas. Welcome home.

 

[Giggly]

^ Well, what can you do? *shrugs*

 

[d@v3]

This thread is directed at ISTJs.

I’m on the fence about the topic of love. I’m 26 and still haven’t been in a relationship. It’s not because I’ve tried and failed with girls, it’s because I’ve never tried at all. When a pretty girl smiles at me, I usually look away. My life is ruled by my inner drive to have everything in order. I feel I need to plan everything out. Here’s a simple summary of my life plan, and how it’s gone so far.
1. Finish school – check
2. Finish college – check
3. Find a job related to my degree – check
4. Move up the career ladder to a satisfactory position – in progress
5. Build a house – currently saving money
6. Find a girlfriend – must finish previous steps before proceeding
7. Depends on how 6 goes

As you can see, I need my ducks in a row. It’s like I can’t handle more than one thing at a time so I don’t allow any time in my life for the unexpected. I live by routine and stick with what works. I feel out of control if I don't.

This brings me to the business of love. It’s something that’s foreign to me and frankly scares the hell out of me. I see all the stupid things people do for love and I think there’s no way I would do anything like that. It makes me uneasy to think that people so easily abandon all reason just as soon as their hormones kick in. No, I’m not immune to it’s effect, though I wish I was. I’ve caught myself in the heat of the moment a few times. Luckily, I realized how foolish I was acting and stopped.

Sure, I appreciate the idea of love, romance, and all that. What I don’t appreciate is gambling on an emotion, losing, and then regretting it forever. It’s a high risk game and I’m wondering if it’s really worth it.

Why is society so desperately pressuring us into finding love? You can’t turn on the TV or listen to music without getting hammered by someone’s view on love. I know I certainly feel the pressure. The two least favorite questions I hate to hear are “When are you going to find a girlfriend?” and “Are you ever going to get married?”.

When I weigh being single vs. being in a relationship, I usually side with being single. The only thing that would make me think otherwise is finding the elusive/mythical soul mate, however you’re supposed do that.

What I would like to know from my fellow ISTJs is, is love worth the trouble? How have your relationships gone? Have you had many of them? If you’re married, are you satisfied? Did you make the moves or did your spouse have to initiate all the advances? Is it worth all the stress? Do you wish you were still single?

I know we’re duty fulfillers, but that doesn’t necessarily mean we want the duties to begin with.

^ Sounds like me! Never had a relationship so at least your not alone. Those questions do suck and it's really nobody else's business, although, I can see why they would be curious. So when someone asks me (depending on who it is [usually mother or sister]) the conversation usually goes like this:

Mother: "When are you going to find a girlfriend?"
Me: "Never"
Mother: "Are you ever getting married?"
Me: "Nope"

-The End-

From what I have heard, it is worth it to love. I have found it incredibly boring to live my life by myself and noone to share it with. Kind of like my view on money. I hate the effects money can have on people. In my opinion, the only reason to have an excess of money is if you have someone (other than yourself) to spend it on. (That is where budgeting comes in )

 

[PinkIceTD]

^ Sounds like me! Never had a relationship so at least your not alone. Those questions do suck and it's really nobody else's business, although, I can see why they would be curious. So when someone asks me (depending on who it is [usually mother or sister]) the conversation usually goes like this:

Mother: "When are you going to find a girlfriend?"
Me: "Never"
Mother: "Are you ever getting married?"
Me: "Nope"

-The End-

From what I have heard, it is worth it to love. I have found it incredibly boring to live my life by myself and noone to share it with. Kind of like my view on money. I hate the effects money can have on people. In my opinion, the only reason to have an excess of money is if you have someone (other than yourself) to spend it on. (That is where budgeting comes in )

Sounds familiar. lol

 

[Spartacuss]

I'm not going to bother reading this thread (not even the OP) before posting my response:

It's worth it, because love is the ultimate form of loyalty. An ISTJ that loves you is one of the greatest gifts a non-ISTJ can ever receive.

I've hurt her in ways that would've broken other types. She's still with me.

In other words, it's worth it for the partner of the giving, loyal ISTJ. This doesn't exactly make a case for it to fishingdude.

 

[MacGuffin]

In other words, it's worth it for the partner of the giving, loyal ISTJ. This doesn't exactly make a case for it to fishingdude.

That can't be done.

You can't logically argue someone into loving another.

 

[Spartacuss]

Perhaps explain why (you think) your ISTJ finds it worth it beyond the pleasure of being a giving, loyal spouse to you.
Shy?

 

[MacGuffin]

Perhaps explain why (you think) your ISTJ finds it worth it beyond the pleasure of being a giving, loyal spouse to you.
Shy?

I don't want to put words in her mouth.

To be honest, I'm humbled by her.

 

[Spartacuss]

I understand. I wouldn't have ventured there, either. Let others do the flattery.

 

[raz]

I thought I'd just throw this out there since it's now coming up lately.

All my life, I've always been viewed by other people as the practical and impersonal person. I've always had such major difficulty seeing the softer and looser side of things. The amount of people in my life who don't say something to me about my rigidity or intensity is such an insignificant number compared to the amount of friends and acquaintances I've made over the course of my life. Whenever I'm with a group of people, and the conversation turns away from impersonal business to your personal life, it makes me wildly uncomfortable.

That's why I've never really gotten that close to a lot of people. Getting into a conversation about things like relationships, sex, romance, and really just personal goals has always left me bewildered. It's really just that, I feel like I always come off to other people as the person that's strictly business. I've always felt like it was a major problem, because it was like I couldn't relate to other people.

This just leaves me wondering about relationships. I have such an immensely difficult time just...letting things flow, as people put it. When I start talking to a person, I'm constantly analyzing it, wondering, "Is this person interesting to me? Am I just humoring them? Are they threatening my security? Why do I like them? Why am I talking to them right now? Why are they even talking to me? Am I even worth socializing with?" I know that just sounds like a massive lack of self-esteem, but it's just how I've always viewed things.

Maybe I just have to learn to accept this in order to move on and let a relationship come when it comes, if it ever does. It's not like I'm incapable of caring about someone to that point. I know I am. I just usually put people through such an analysis that I end up having very high standards for letting my guard down. The emotional vulnerability of even trying to get to know someone is terrifying. It's my outlook on things that makes it so scary, and I can't just turn it off.

 

[Lady_X]

i'm sorry raz...i don't know what you can do about that but being on the otherside...i'll just say...i know...i can see it...that critical thinking is written all over the face...so..just be aware of that maybe and know that people are individuals and if you try to control the outcome or have preconceived expectations you will ALWAYS be disappointed.

 

[d@v3]

I thought I'd just throw this out there since it's now coming up lately.

All my life, I've always been viewed by other people as the practical and impersonal person. I've always had such major difficulty seeing the softer and looser side of things. The amount of people in my life who don't say something to me about my rigidity or intensity is such an insignificant number compared to the amount of friends and acquaintances I've made over the course of my life. Whenever I'm with a group of people, and the conversation turns away from impersonal business to your personal life, it makes me wildly uncomfortable.

That's why I've never really gotten that close to a lot of people. Getting into a conversation about things like relationships, sex, romance, and really just personal goals has always left me bewildered. It's really just that, I feel like I always come off to other people as the person that's strictly business. I've always felt like it was a major problem, because it was like I couldn't relate to other people.

This just leaves me wondering about relationships. I have such an immensely difficult time just...letting things flow, as people put it. When I start talking to a person, I'm constantly analyzing it, wondering, "Is this person interesting to me? Am I just humoring them? Are they threatening my security? Why do I like them? Why am I talking to them right now? Why are they even talking to me? Am I even worth socializing with?" I know that just sounds like a massive lack of self-esteem, but it's just how I've always viewed things.

Maybe I just have to learn to accept this in order to move on and let a relationship come when it comes, if it ever does. It's not like I'm incapable of caring about someone to that point. I know I am. I just usually put people through such an analysis that I end up having very high standards for letting my guard down. The emotional vulnerability of even trying to get to know someone is terrifying. It's my outlook on things that makes it so scary, and I can't just turn it off.

^ good post! The way your describing it Raz, I don't think it effects me as often but I think rather, it effects me with certain people. like a girl im "interested" in, those questions would fly through my mind a million times a second during a conversation with her IF it got to the conversation point in the first place!

I don't know if this is true for other ISTJ's, but the gift of giving and the gift of love are hard to seperate. Are they intertwined? I THINK they can be integrated. Some ISTJ's could be just stuck with the "giving" part and don't know how to move to the "loving" part or don't know how to show it.

In other words, they may feel like the "giving" part symbolizes the "loving" part of the relationship.

IMHO i think you need a combination of both, but personally, I am only good at the giving part and I don't know how to combine them.

 

[raz]

i'm sorry raz...i don't know what you can do about that but being on the otherside...i'll just say...i know...i can see it...that critical thinking is written all over the face...so..just be aware of that maybe and know that people are individuals and if you try to control the outcome or have preconceived expectations you will ALWAYS be disappointed.

See, but that's the thing. I can't just be broken that I think like this. I refuse to believe that. There has to be a solution to it that is suitable for my way of thinking, or more so for me. The way I see it, every aspect of my life is like a puzzle piece. All of the impersonal matters in my life, I can find ways to fit a square into a square. It's just when it comes to relationships, the square is just too fucking big, and people tell me to turn it into a circle. I'd rather just find a way to make the square smaller.

 

[Lady_X]

i see what you're saying and that's a really healthy perspective...so yes...you're right...you just need to find someone who understands that....there's nothing wrong with you...didn't mean to imply that sorry.

 

[raz]

i see what you're saying and that's a really healthy perspective...so yes...you're right...you just need to find someone who understands that....there's nothing wrong with you...didn't mean to imply that sorry.

It was sparked by a conversation with someone last night and what CaptainChick was talking about with BlueWing in ventrilo yesterday afternoon. Basically she was talking about how she would spend too much time alone, and then when she went to socialize, she had major problems. It was all about how you shouldn't isolate yourself too much, or you won't experience "love" or I guess life.

I guess, I've just tried going way out of my "normal" life to try to socialize based on what I know, or try to meet people, and usually it ended up with failure and me just feeling stupid. Right now, I'm on break between college semesters, and I am perfectly happy doing whatever the hell I want, instead of thinking there's something wrong with me for not out trying to find random people to talk to in real life that I really don't care about.

I mean, all I do is pretty much read, screw around on my computer, exercise, work or go to school. I really like school because it does supply socializing but in controlled doses. Maybe I'll end college with no romantic headway. Maybe I'll meet someone amazing in 2 months.

To me, someone I can quickly fall for is a person that proves themselves as a reliable partner for my practical duties and pursuits. It could be explained as just a partner in crime. For relationships, it's weird. It's like, I start getting to know someone, and then one day, a light turns on, and just decide, "Hey, I really do like this person" and then I just start treating them in a way that I deem reserved for those sorts of people. I want someone, who, when I look at them, it's like everything around them is dark and there's a spotlight on just them. I want the syncronicity of having a connection with another person, the admiration of another person's sharp intellect.

A lot of my problem is just that I don't understand when people are talking to you about their problems just to vent. I don't get it. Whenever someone complains to me, I either seek a solution, or tell them that their complaining doesn't help us accomplish what we're doing right now. Like, if a family member walks up to me with a problem, I'll think, "Ok, tell me everything about the problem. Let's get this over with quickly. I'll analyze the problem, and come to a logical conclusion that you probably won't like."

 

[Giggly]

Raz, do you think you can socialize in real life more?