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  1. #1
    Junior Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2019

    Default How to handle ex ISFJ. Does she need anything? Inconsistent behavior.

    Hi all! I'll try to keep it as simple as I can ... First - I'm a INTP (m). I share many traits with this type but I'm not a strict one (ex. I like small-talks). I figured out that my mom is an ISFJ so I kinda know how to handle that type. Of course there are things that makes me angry but as I am over 30 yo. I already know there is no perfect match

    Few month ago I met an ISFJ girl (but I wasn't aware of her type at that time).

    --- THE STORY ---

    She was shy. I was open, kind, etc. I managed to build trust. We started a relationship (aprox. 5mo). There was an intimacy, sex. We were meeting when she was able to (her day to day routines). I have freelance job and I'm flexible and adapt. I tried not to force her anyhow. However I might did some things unconsciously. Overall I copped with her very gently in an adaptive way (not forcing, asking, encouraging). One day I noticed she was stressed with my behavior in a strange manner. That made a bad impression as I invited her to my apartment while I was not ready. I had a harsh day, messy apartment that time etc .. I hadn't manage to welcome her in way I would like ... But you know life is life.

    there was a week that she had great stress. She was at the conference where she discused her scientific achievements. This has been contested. I was trying not to influence her anyhow, just to let her handle things by herself. I messaged her "how did it go?", And trying to support her a little. However at that time she was quiet and rarely messaged me. When she came back next day, we met and she told me that everything is great when she is beside me but she lacks some feelings. She wasn't able to explain more. And there started a 2-3 weeks of weird times.

    I just wanted some answers from her and consistent behavior. She was telling one thing ("we ned to end this now") and behave differently. Everytime when we met during that time she invited me to her apartment, we hug, drink wine, flirt. And that was her whom started to stroke my beard ... At one visit we even had sex.

    I managed to gain some info. She told me that her ex contacted her. He had just left her few months before we met (I was unaware). She told she had a strong feelings to him previously. She see me as a stable and confident, calm, good person while he is unbalanced and cry a lot, etc. She thinks, that our relationship will not survive. I said, ok. You're in a big mess, and I understand it. You want personal space, time - i'll give it to you. She gave me big seducing kiss, watched my eyes for a long time. I gave her a spank That was a peaceful separation. But she never said this is the end. Stop.

    I stopped all communication. She messaged me for first two weeks. I always answered but with a delay and without unnecessary emotions. Then she messaged me (circa) every 3-4 weeks. I answered with a delay and without emotions, but she stopped replying. Just a Ping-Pong.

    One of the last messages was "I thought we would be in touch, but you probably don't want it. Correct me if I'm wrong.". I answered that "I don't know what are the conclusions you have, but put your feelings and needs in the first place. You didn't continued the past conversations further despited the I've answered.". That was a month ago. Few days ago I received a notification that she started using new message app. I thought ... I've nothing to lose. Maybe I'm crude. I messaged her. And for the first time - she almost instantly answered. We had a quick chat. First time she asked me - "How are you?". I answered 'there are great days and some not so great, but overall everything is quite positive "but I didn't ask her the same. I jus said" I hope your days are at least as good as my" and I waited for a while for her answer. She didn't replied that case, but she switched to previous topic. I ended that I've got some work to do and "Have a good day".

    What is noticeable for me - we have each other on FB. I do rarely put some stories about my sport goals. She is always in the first three persons that watch my stories...

    ---- TLDR -----

    Dear ISFJ's. I don't know to think about her. I am aware of some things that are incompatible between us, however I'm a highly adaptable and open to people INTP. I don't know what to expect. I liked her. I wanted her. Now I'm aware that she is a kind of ISFJ. On the first thought our relationship was a rebound. But I noticed little things that are rather uncommon in that kind of relations. Maybe she is having a toxic relationships.

    I don't know if is wise to contact her again or to wait for her move. Or just leave it. For me some of the behavior is inconsistent. I might accept an friendship maybe. She do not initiate anything since last conversation (about week ago). What she as a ISFJ need at this point from me? Does she need anything?

  2. #2
    Senior Member tinker683's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2009
    9w1 sx/sp


    Less serious answer: She cray. Wish her well, put some distance between you, and move on.

    More serious answer: It sounds like she has a lot of personal issues she hasn't resolved and she's trying to resolve those dramas while also trying to have her cake and eating it too. I'm sure she's very nice but this all reads as being untenable to me. If you want to stick around and go through that yo-yo and hope things work out for you, more power to you brother. But it has all the signs of ending in tragedy and a whole lot of drama from where I'm sitting.

    Best to care for yourself and put a kibosh in this now.
    "The man who is swimming against the stream knows the strength of it."
    ― Woodrow Wilson

  3. #3
    Now with less salt. Methylene's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2016
    639 so/sp
    LII Ne


    She's not that into you. I think it's obvious.
    Maybe at first there was a spark, or maybe she wanted to try and see if she could've liked you, but imo she's realized she's not that into you, or that she's just not ready to have another relationship.

    Female INTP, but I've definitely acted like her in the past. Your relationship sounds like the one I recently had with an INTJ, with him playing your role.

    Forget her and you'll feel better.
    I don't think that it's so personal
    I don't think that it's irreversible
    Sometimes I feel like I'm a sentimental trooper.

    6w5 - 3w4 - 9w8 so/sp
    Chaotic neutral.

  4. #4
    ιяяєѕιѕтιвlє Ꮆяαѕρ Luminous's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2017
    925 sx/sp


    You sound so sweet. And like you deserve someone who will be as sweet and thoughtful and caring to you as you are to her.

  5. #5
    Junior Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2019


    Well, I i'm wondering what do I need... And at the end there is a simple INTP need - I like to learn. Learn by action. But I personally like to take a wise path. I'm not afraid I will end up with drama qeen or other unhealthy thing. I like to try. Verify it. Maybe even try to heal if it'll become sick. Or just end it up. I'm selfish... yeah I know

    Today i decided to take a chance and I wrote her something silly related to her PhD. I apologized that I am so distant person and that I feel bad and silly not even once trying to ask her how is she, regardless what we want from each other. Eventualy it ended at the end on 2h hour long lazy chatting. She said that, she is not angry and she know that it was just a sondage what we want from each other. We didn't talk about relationship, just day-to-day things. At least I know she want to talk. And I feel excused that I didn't just left it.
    Lastly she wrote that she is happy that I wrote.

    Damm... what now ?

    Some silly remark - she answered almost all subjects, and asked detail information (J trait?). Where there was a sad information (ex. my stolen bicycle bags) - she comforted. My plans - she cheered.
    That is the sweetness od ISFJ, isn't it?

  6. #6


    She gave me big seducing kiss, watched my eyes for a long time. I gave her a spank

    Serious reply: She's back with her ex, or she's just not interested in being with anyone at this time.
    Likes Methylene liked this post

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