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[NT] Recognizing that one is in love

brightflashes

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I am curious as to how other NTs recognize when they are in love and if it's something one has to ponder over for days, weeks, months, or years or if it's something that one feels immediately and can instantly name?

I have noticed that being "in love" seems very unpleasant for me, although I admit that my understanding of what it means to be "in love" may be skewed by what society & poets say. For me, it causes me to prioritize in very wonky ways. Something I might usually treat as top importance may fall to the back burner, for example. I also equate being "in love" with sleep disturbances such as staying up too late and wanting to spend an unusual amount of time in bed. It can sometimes completely eclipse my thought and muddy my mind.

Or... maybe that's infatuation or a crush or something. Maybe really being in love is to be willing to fully celebrate another's unique characteristics, respect the facets of their personality (even if they're not quite understood), and also to fully embrace the desire to do just about anything to "make" the relationship work.

I've been (more or less) in the same relationship with the father of my kids for the past 15 years.

So what is love for you? And how is it identified?

I'm not certain that I've reached a suitable understanding myself, but I'm interested in what other people have to say.
 

Maou

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Shit... I don't know.

I know what love is, probably have romanticized it. But I don't experience Limerence, infatuation, or sexual attraction. I never know if I love something until it is gone. Sometimes I can realize it, if I think about situations of tragedy. But as an emotion, I do not experience love. Instead I associate it with loss, or grief. Logically you greive if something you love has died, so there has to be love there somewhere.
 

Yuurei

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This is one way I which I will except that NT correlates with your stereotypical nerd; falling in love is just like any other obsessive fanboy/girl.

Everything WAS in fact a reference to everything he did. Every conversation ended up with " Oh yeah, that reminds of them he..."

I'm not proud to admit that but I think we all know I'm nothing if not honest.
 

pmg_entp

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Impulsive ENTP here...

I tend to define my important life decisions and catalysts based on a very emotional/visceral response. From the moment we spoke, he challenged and intrigued me. I often see opinions online that an ENTP and ISTP would never work...but for an ENTP variety is the spice of life and an ISTP will never disappoint in indulging in hard-to-grasp concepts that can be debated for hours.

Also, NTPs tend to see the forest beyond the trees. My best advice is that if you don't see your long term aspirations, vision, and life goals aligning, then take some time to reassess. The eternal optimism of NTPs serves us so well in relationships, but only if our partner has a similar end goal. Love prevails over a difficult journey when shared values and mutual ideologies are a solid foundation.

I wish you all the best!
 

pmg_entp

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I am curious as to how other NTs recognize when they are in love and if it's something one has to ponder over for days, weeks, months, or years or if it's something that one feels immediately and can instantly name?

I have noticed that being "in love" seems very unpleasant for me, although I admit that my understanding of what it means to be "in love" may be skewed by what society & poets say. For me, it causes me to prioritize in very wonky ways. Something I might usually treat as top importance may fall to the back burner, for example. I also equate being "in love" with sleep disturbances such as staying up too late and wanting to spend an unusual amount of time in bed. It can sometimes completely eclipse my thought and muddy my mind.

Or... maybe that's infatuation or a crush or something. Maybe really being in love is to be willing to fully celebrate another's unique characteristics, respect the facets of their personality (even if they're not quite understood), and also to fully embrace the desire to do just about anything to "make" the relationship work.

I've been (more or less) in the same relationship with the father of my kids for the past 15 years.

So what is love for you? And how is it identified?

I'm not certain that I've reached a suitable understanding myself, but I'm interested in what other people have to say.

Your third paragraph, that's the key. But, if doing "just about anything to 'make' the relationship work" is out of necessity instead of love, that can't be very fulfilling. Try to identify your true intentions. If they are stemming from societal/outward pressure instead of personal desire, resentment may follow...
 

Amberiat

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Usually if I get a premonition that something bad will happen, falling in love is a likely candidate.
 

Lark

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I would say that reading sources such as Erich Fromm's book The Art of Loving would be a very good starting point.

As CS Lewis' The Four Loves.

To make a study of love and to experience it is life's purpose.
 

Lib

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I would say that reading sources such as Erich Fromm's book The Art of Loving would be a very good starting point.

As CS Lewis' The Four Loves.

To make a study of love and to experience it is life's purpose.
Go away with your NF propaganda. 'Love' is a luxury not a purpose.
 

rav3n

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You're in love when you put the other person's happiness and overall relationship health, before your needs of the moment. This doesn't mean that it's always this way since your partner needs to feel the same way and reciprocate. This gauge is applicable long term, rather than during the honeymoon period (first few months to a year of relationships) when people are infatuated or in lust where they'll do anything.
 

Lark

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You're in love when you put the other person's happiness and overall relationship health, before your needs of the moment. This doesn't mean that it's always this way since your partner needs to feel the same way and reciprocate. This gauge is applicable long term, rather than during the honeymoon period (first few months to a year of relationships) when people are infatuated or in lust where they'll do anything.

I dont agree with that really.

Self sacrifice or gradated social exchange and investment models are not love as I understand it.
 

rav3n

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I dont agree with that really.

Self sacrifice or gradated social exchange and investment models are not love as I understand it.
It's neither transactional or self-sacrificial. If you perceive it that way, you haven't been in love. It takes two to fuel a relationship.
 

Amberiat

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It's neither transactional or self-sacrificial. If you perceive it that way, you haven't been in love. It takes two to fuel a relationship.

I agree with this, it becomes self-sacrificial if it's not reciprocated, otherwise it's just healthy love.
 

Yuurei

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I really don't think it's anyone's place to tell another person whether or not they are/have been in love. It's true that they could be mistaken it for infatuation or obsession but that's up to them.

I shouldn't have to say this but everyone is different, regardless of their "type".
 

Sacrophagus

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-When I put you in my short term/long term decision making process.
-When I can stand having you around 24/7 but still want to send you to Iraq for 10 years to miss you or have you killed.
-When I notice when you're not annoying me, but still celebrate your absence.
-When I'd rather be alone than be with you because fuck you.
-When I'll trust you with my darkest secrets.
-When I'll play John Petrucci's "Lost Without You" so that I can make you feel wanted you goddamn insecure hoe.
-When I use the abundance of my wit, charm and shrewdness to make you feel desired as if you were the only woman who exists on the Earth. Snap out of it, you're not.
-When I claim you solemnly and openly, make the oath to be your ally when you have none, engulf you in scorching manly spirit, and shout through a thousand thousand worlds "This bitch is mine".
-When I make you an extension of my ego, but we're still separate beings, an unwavering aura of sovereignty surrounds us wherever we may roam.
-When the way we treat each other inspires others to elevate.
-When I can listen to your poetry and not cringe.
-When I can look at your face first time in the morning, smile, but still call you ugly.
-When I can mobilize the whole fucking world for you.
-When your word echoes through my domain unchallenged as if it was I who spoke.
-When I start caring about your family but still don't care enough to remember their names.
-When I finally utter the words "I love you".
..etc.


Fuck being in love.
 

brightflashes

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I would say that reading sources such as Erich Fromm's book The Art of Loving would be a very good starting point.

As CS Lewis' The Four Loves.

To make a study of love and to experience it is life's purpose.

This is really helpful advice actually. I'd also suggest reading on the Greek words for love from someone outside of CS Lewis as well; just to get that concept down.

My favorite book on the subject when I was in my early 20s was The Road Less Traveled.

----------

I have found that being "in love" is mostly unpleasant for me. I feel out of control when it happens and it's sort of scary, too. As I said before, I've been with the same man for the past 15 or so years and I'm well past the age of needing to care much about what being in love is. However, I'm curious as to how my daughter and son might start to experience it as they grow up and start hormone-ing everywhere. Thanks for the thoughtful answers. I've been signed up here for a while, but haven't really thought to participate as much until now. Hope to get to know you all really well.
 

AStrange~Nostalgia

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I know this is NT forum:). But quick thing is when you can relate to the love lines and can feel them, the same line you used to pass by like a stranger, then you are feeling something toward love. Their are many types of love/like, this is the part where you have to decide for yourself. Through studying the types. As it was mentioned above in the posts.
 
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