[INTJ] confused enfp

[clippityclop]

Alright!

So this is one of those annoying posts about some confusion concerning a love interest. I'm sorry in advance.

I'm an enfp, and I've known this intj for a while. We did actually date years and years ago, and even though its been a decade or longer of us not dating, we have always remained friends and have been on okayish terms. Well in the past few months, things between us have been kind of going in a very heated direction. We did hook up a few times, and it was actually really great. But then he had to take this job that required him to move away for a year. So we both kind of made the agreement that we would keep contact, and maybe if the opportunity presented itself, sleep with other people and it would be okay. Well its been a month or so, I did hook up with someone. I told him and he's pissed off, BUT the catch is he's moving back for an ever better job now. But I think he's so mad and hurt by me that he doesn't take us seriously now. He's being crazily cold towards me.

So I'm wondering, what is the chance he'll just forget about it and move on? I wouldnt have done this if I had known he was going to be back so soon, and we did make the agreement we could hook up with other people. Or is he just so thrown off by how hurt he actually is by it, and he's freaked out and wants nothing to do with his emotions...??? haha help me out intjs!!!

 

[notmyapples]

You both agreed that you'd be okay with each other sleeping with other people, so you were essentially on a break. You slept with someone else on this break which was within the guidelines of your agreement and you were honest with him about doing so, but despite such he is angry with you. Maybe he assumed you wouldn't really want to sleep with other people or didn't foresee how it would truly make him feel in the moment, but he's being very unfair to you in this situation and I would be feeling extremely put off by this behavior if I were you. I would confront him about the issue head-on instead of letting it fester and stand my ground to him, as you were not in the wrong in this scenario. If he is going to show a pattern of this behavior, making an agreement with you but not having the ability to accurately predict how such an agreement will actually affect him in the future, it shows emotional immaturity and that is detrimental to a relationship.

 

[clippityclop]

See, and that's what I'm thinking. If this was reversed I would try and be understanding about it. Maybe I shouldn't have told him.. I thought I was being honest.
He has also been cheated on in the past so perhaps it was a trigger for him.
I did write him some really well thought out messages of how I feel about him, and how seriously I take us, and even if we aren't technically dating we don't have to sleep with other people if that's something that makes him more comfortable. And he wrote back a very tiny message saying he's jealous, and that he's not into anything right now. I'm pretty frustrated with how this has all gone down. He's still talking to me here and there, small talk stuff. But he hasn't addressed my long messages I sent him!! But considering he's an intj, they apparently hate to prodded into having those types of conversations. So I guess I'll just wait and see if it ever happens.

 

[j.c.t.]

What a vulgar agreement. Nonetheless it seems like the INTJ must have misunderstood it, so it's not really your fault.

 

[Coriolis]

So I'm wondering, what is the chance he'll just forget about it and move on? I wouldnt have done this if I had known he was going to be back so soon, and we did make the agreement we could hook up with other people. Or is he just so thrown off by how hurt he actually is by it, and he's freaked out and wants nothing to do with his emotions...??? haha help me out intjs!!!

I think there is something to the highlighted. His head knows that there was an agreement, and that your actions were entirely in keeping with it, and moreover you were up front with him about it. He probably didn't expect you to act on the freedom it gave both of you, especially if/since he did not, and may very well be experiencing an emotional reaction that is unexpectedly strong and he isn't sure how to handle. At this point it becomes as much about him as about you, in that he can be upset or disappointed in his own reaction and how much it is throwing him for a loop. If that is a big part of it for him, all your patient explanations are beside the point. That doesn't mean they are not important, just that he is not ready for them yet.

I had a similar experience just recently - nothing to do with a romantic relationship, but similar in that I was completely blindsided emotionally by an unexpected and negative event. It left me at a loss for words, actions, anything, for longer than I care to admit.

If you are still interested in him, now is the time to exercise patience. Continue to reciprocate his low-level, noncommittal messages in kind, with friendly but brief replies. This lets him know that you are still there, but are giving him his space. If he hasn't replied to your more personal earlier messages after several weeks, no more than a month, then it would be fair game for you to raise the issue again, as in: "I've tried to respect your need for space these past few weeks, but I do feel we need to discuss our relationship, so one way or another, we can both move on."

 

[clippityclop]

Well we had only JUST started seeing eachother again.. and then he had to go away for a year. :/ so it may be vulgar in some peoples eyes, but I was trying to be realistic here. It would have probably not been the same agreement if we had been dating for a while.

 

[j.c.t.]

Him moving away from you was a problem in the first place. Half-assed commitments don't make much sense if you plan to stick together in the long run. Agree with [MENTION=9811]Coriolis[/MENTION] on the patience part. Good luck, I hope everything works out.

 

[clippityclop]

Thanks so much for that.

I think he's having a hard time processing what happened, and maybe he didn't think he would feel that way.

I am still interested, so I'll give what you've said a shot. I won't lie, I did get mad and was debating on blocking him or not. But I just didn't want to deal with the consequences that might have happened with that. I'll be patient and give him his space right now. Although I wish he knew I was just as upset. I really wish I could take back time! :'(

 

[Lib]

Agreement is one thing, but how you both approach sex is another. He probably accepted this agreement because he thought that things are going to change and you might never be together again, so what's the point of tying you.

Anyway, if I were him, I'd never consider you a potential partner again but hopefully, he is different.

 

[clippityclop]

but he outright said he was "mad and jealous" in the very few words he gave me

 

[Lib]

but he outright said he was "mad and jealous" in the very few words he gave me

I'm just trying to make sense of the information that he is an INTJ - this type is avoiding dramas with their life and they tend to distrust people. No matter of the agreement, you caused him drama and now he doesn't trust you. If he really cares about you, he will give you a chance after you demonstrate that you're serious. Otherwise, he might be interested to have sex after some time, but that would be all.

 

[clippityclop]

I understand that. I guess I'll see if I can prove anything to him.. I don't know how I'll be able to prove to him I'm serious when he's being like this though. Ah dammit.

 

[Coriolis]

I understand that. I guess I'll see if I can prove anything to him.. I don't know how I'll be able to prove to him I'm serious when he's being like this though. Ah dammit.

At the risk of stereotyping/generalizing, it should matter to him as an INTJ that you acted in keeping with an arrangement to which he agreed, and which he presumably thought was reasonable and fair at the time. He may not find it so good in hindsight and may regret having made it, but he should understand logically that he cannot hold your actions against you - at least once his emotions have settled down enough for him to think rationally on the subject. Hopefully then you can regroup and decide together what you want going forward. (Hopefully you will both also learn from this experience.)

 

[clippityclop]

Thanks so much for your words. You really have a calming way of putting things. I really hope you're right, and that when he does become rational, he doesn't just decide to get rid of it all together.

 

[Sacrophagus]

A man makes an oath, a man delivers. A man makes a choice, a man owns it. His tears are nothing you should concern yourself about, but you should be grateful you can see them.

What puzzles me though, is that I fail to imagine the possibility where I could simply agree with someone I solemnly claimed to just bed other males because I am away from her. If I allow that personally, it means that she amounts to nothing.

I don't think he has got much grip. Most likely, it was your idea of sleeping with other people. He must've agreed with you for he thought that's the only way to work out the distance dilemma coupled with the incertitude.


I can't decide which one is worse, him back-pedaling, or you finding out he doesn't care in the end though. Take his jealousy and his wayward tantrum as a sign that he at least cares about you.

 

[Lady Lazarus]

ENFP's are always confused.

 

[clippityclop]

you are not wrong!

 

[clippityclop]

I guess I did originally first state the agreement.. the place he had to go to for work is known as being a party town. He's had a rough year and I was just trying to be supportive, and make him excited for his new "adventure". We also hadn't been seeing eachother that long, so I didn't want to put any restrictions on him. As much as I would have liked to.. I know he wasn't ready for the emotional tie down. I knew that there would be hope for us in the long run or when he would get back from his job though. So yes I did bring up the idea, but I didn't mean for it to go the way it did.

 

[Sacrophagus]

Clinging to that hope and not letting go is what might actually bring more harm.

The best course of action would've been breaking things off completely, as such, everyone is fully responsible for their own deeds without the brouhaha of misunderstandings.

You are a confused existence and he's equally insane for agreeing upon that. If there's a possibility in the future of you dating correctly, it will happen without these desperate schemes, for I am sure there is no considering long distance relationship for many reasons.

Good luck.

 

[Tilt]

At the risk of stereotyping/generalizing, it should matter to him as an INTJ that you acted in keeping with an arrangement to which he agreed, and which he presumably thought was reasonable and fair at the time. He may not find it so good in hindsight and may regret having made it, but he should understand logically that he cannot hold your actions against you - at least once his emotions have settled down enough for him to think rationally on the subject. Hopefully then you can regroup and decide together what you want going forward. (Hopefully you will both also learn from this experience.)

I agree. From an outsider's perspective, it usually dies down with time. The fact that the guy had such a strong reaction means he cares on some level. And with enough space, the guy may reconnect but the OP must try to not become clingy or needy or it just adds to the negative emotions associated with the situation.

It may or may not work out but good luck [MENTION=38059]clippityclop[/MENTION]