[ENTJ] An INTP seeking advice in a relationship

[INTPbeast]

I'm an INTP and he is an ENTJ.

I won't get into the long and boring details, but fairly briefly.

I've been seeing him for the past 2 years in an open relationship, that he just admitted to himself was actually a relationship recently - essentially saying everything I've been wanting him to admit for the past few months (cared about me more than he realized, actually had strong feelings, didn't just see me as a friend with benefits, made him happy, etc.) after avoiding the conversation as far as moving forward when I had communicated that I had developed feelings and needed things to shift. He also went through a laundry list of concerns as far as long term potential, which (wow) he had thought about to an insane extent - from lack of being able to present well with affluent people and being able to play the social game (I generally do not care how others perceive me and pay little attention to social dynamics), to how I lay out my apartment, to financial concerns, to questions about fertility issues.

I was preparing for emotional disaster on my end, but instead I got something much more confusing.

He has been trying to rid himself of some bad habits and get further in his career and life goals for a while. Because he has not "really" been single for more than brief periods since being a teenager and is almost 40, and the majority of his relationships have been regretted or bad/stayed in for far too long, he really wants to be single and not seek to date or sleep with anyone for a year in order to work on these goals (including me). However, he said that if I wanted to work on "my stuff" over the next year as well - especially caring about familiarizing myself with social structures and dynamics/presenting well (he really wants a partner that can help him move up in social circles) - the possibility is there.

I'm kind of floored. On the one end, I realize this kind of blunt communication indicates that he does value me immensely and would like the relationship to continue (with these caveats), I knew about his relationship issues and it is understandable he want a break to fix his issues, I was not really prepared for the social climbing caveat. He had spoken about this before, how his ideal is a partner that can help him move up and navigate this arena, but I didn't realize it was this level of a deal breaker ("love isn't enough"). The way he explained it was very logical and I went from being offended to getting it to some degree objectively and seeing diagrams in my head regarding "playing the game". I had never considered "being an asset in someone's career" as a relationship qualification, as I am a latecomer to college and still working on my B.S. - only barely considering "real" career plans, but his advice has been correct at times when my impulse was to be confrontational regarding issues at my work (don't/suck it up), he has more experience in this area. There is some difference here because while I admit and am working on tolerating folks like this (those who talk about nothing and contradict themselves, but have the status to be able to do so without real consequence) for base reasons, right now I don't believe my goals will require dealing with these folks often/beyond tolerating them - I would be largely dealing with people developing tech directly, those who develop the stuff "the people who matter" (his words) talk about. I'm okay with being one of those people, he is not. While I can see how this particular socializing skill would be important in his career, I will (cringe) really have to think about how it would play into the future of mine and if it would be of benefit to consider (I'm not going to endeavor something only because of wanting to be with him - it has to have value to me as well).

If I'm correct in my assessment, it sounds to me like he is really trying to find a way to make it work in his head while also fitting into his more idyllic goals. He opened a window - if he just wanted to discard me he would have, and he admitted he had not expected to discuss this with me. This is just a weird window. He also laid out a few other possibilities where this aspect would not be as important (in great detail... ala if goal 1 is not met, goal 2, etc.).

He laid all of this out suddenly, the feelings, the 1 year break, all these details that pieced previous things he had said (appearing contradictory) together, etc.. While I do think it is sincere and do not think it is a "test" - it is a lot to process and a lot in general. A long term relationship was never on my long term goal list until I met him (I usually have flings versus relationships, am very picky), and I am trying to decide if it is worth it to wait a year and meet these caveats, and am having a hard time understanding his perspective as far as bad long term relationships because he is the first person I have chosen to stay with this long. I fully believe he is serious, but deciding whether to follow this path is a huge decision - I'm uncertain whether I am happy that he shares my feelings, or balk at the expense of follow through.

Insight from ENTJs appreciated.

 

[Alice in Blunderland]

Not an ENTJ, but I'm an INTP like yourself, and I was once in a relationship with an ENTJ, although mine never seemed bothered by my...I'll just call them various eccentricities, heh heh.

Anyway, I know you primarily want to hear from ENTJs, but after reading through your post, I found myself confused about what it is that you're asking. Your ENTJ has given you this ultimatum about things he wants you to change in order for him to consider a relationship with you, and it sounds to me like you're asking whether or not it's worth it for you to try to make the changes. Is that what you're asking, or am I misreading that? If that's what you're asking, I have to say...I don't think anyone can tell you whether a particular course of action is worth it for you or not. I think that's something you have to weigh in the balance and decide for yourself. And, as far as I can see, you already answered your own question when you said, "I'm not going to endeavor something only because of wanting to be with him - it has to have value to me as well." So, if you can find value for yourself in working on your people skills, giving your apartment a makeover, improving your financial situation, etc., then at the end of the year, the worst that could happen would be that your ENTJ didn't want to get into a relationship, while you would still have improved yourself, by your own standards. On the other hand, if improving in those areas isn't something you actually care about, then forcing yourself to do it just for him may result in resentment down the line, all the more so if, at the end of the year, he doesn't feel that you've improved sufficiently or doesn't want to get back together for any of the reasons that might come up over the course of twelve months.

Personally, unless I was very much on the same page with someone else about wanting to make those kinds of changes, I probably wouldn't do it, especially when the other person wasn't even committed to me. (If we're talking about a long-term relationship or marriage, then that's another story.) I would also be worried that trying to change things about myself that are probably an outgrowth of my basic nature would be only a short-term solution since I might tend to revert back to my old ways in the long-term. But, again, that's just how I feel myself, and my whole point here is that you might feel differently, which is why I don't think anyone else can tell you that you should or shouldn't try to make those changes in your life.

I apologize if I misunderstood your question, and I'm sorry that I can't be more helpful. Maybe the ENTJs who come along will have a better answer for you.